Anna Kournikova arrives on the scene, but two players decide they want to go home
The first elimination always makes people crazy! Right away on last night’s Biggest Loser, we learned that two people wanted to go home. Lisa lives near last week’s eliminated loser Allie in real, non-ranch life, so she wanted to go help her drop weight in that alternate dimension. Grandma Tina had taken $16,000 from her 401K so that she could go on vacation with her family. That’s sweet for her and her family, but don’t tell the other contestants that! Just say “I’m ready to go home.” You know what’s on vacation, Tina? BUFFETS.
The entire two-hour episode felt unnecessary after Tina’s announcement, because it was so clear she’d be hitting the eject button. But the show must go on. Bob took the contestants through a major circuit workout, and it was brutal. Frado was loud, Brendan was slow, someone barfed in the corner, everyone moaned, and Bob told Patrick “I’m gonna break your legs and beat you with them.” Just another day. Then Bob freaked out because Jesse, a.k.a. “Funny Man,” lashed out at Bob: ‘I DON’T HAVE S— TO SAY TO YOU RIGHT NOW.” Bob felt disrespected by Jesse and made everyone run another circuit. Whatever, Bob. Start acting as tough as your tattoos!
Anna Kournikova showed up in a hot pink dress, hot to trot. Burgandy claimed her heart was “literally pounding out of my chest,” and this seems to be a theme this season. Everyone’s organs are eternally on the verge of literally exploding. Leave the prognoses to Dr. Ranch Dressing, Burgandy. Anyway, the guys obviously drooled over Anna. “She was slamming hot. She could have taught us calligraphy,” claimed Jesse. I’m pretty sure most people would rather take calligraphy from Anna Kournikova than sweat it out on a tennis court while Alison Sweeney hangs out in a sun hat.
The best part of this segment was the confluence of a voiceover of Brendan saying the tennis lesson was “more fun than sitting on the treadmill working out” and a visual of Anna Kournikova doing a deep squat. The worst was when Brendan wouldn’t release her from his meaty hug. Let go, buddy! It’s okay. You have an alliance now.
Immunity challenge! This one was very Survivor: Each player had a cylinder and the other players had to drop tennis balls in their enemies’ cylinders until they brimmed over with neon-green resentment. Everyone piled balls into Tina’s cylinder (sounds dirty, sorry) so she was the first to go. Then Burgandy, who reasoned that “everyone took me out because I’m the fastest.” She’s delusional. Mark compared climbing the bleachers to hiking in the Sahara Desert. Foreshadowing for the sand-dune elimination challenge, perhaps?
In the end, Patrick, Brendan, and Frado were fighting for immunity, and Adam was onto them: “They seem to have some sort of agreement.” That they do: In the next scene, those three half-heartedly fist-pumped on an official alliance. They’re like the “Pride on 3” from season 3. Frado won. The next day was the weigh-in. SURPRISE.
Jesse looked naked during his confessional, maybe because he…was naked.
NEXT: Who’s the man? Let’s ask Jillian.
Farmer Jillian returned in her plaid shirt with a thirst for Yoplait Pomegranate Blueberry Smoothies and blood. She took the women aside to let them know how disappointed she was in their “Koombayah” spirit. They should all be more selfish. Bob made a big speech about this later, too. These people are not supposed to be your friends! Stop acting like a human being and MOVE THAT GIANT TIRE.
At the weigh-in, Adam came out on top with a week 2 loss of 12 pounds. He’s really laying it on thick about his late, diabetic mom. Every single time he talks, it’s about her. I’m over him already. Mark lost 11 pounds and spoke of his heart trying to leap out of his chest. Again with the errant internal organs! “Eleven pounds in the second week. Who does that?!” wondered Mark. Um, Adam does. Frado only lost three pounds, but he had immunity. Jesse and Patrick also lost over 10 pounds. Ada had a good week and was safe from elimination, and Jessica lost seven pounds. “She gets it,” said Jillian, who was still disappointed in most of the women for falling below the yellow line.
Adam got to save one player, and despite an impassioned plea from Burgandy, he chose Aaron. This was probably very good for Aaron’s morale, as he had recently been WHACKED by Jillian both physically and verbally during a heavy-weight workout. “I’m still the man around here!” yelled Jillian, as if this was ever in question. I was so glad she was back.
Amazing Race time! For the elimination challenge, the six contestants below the yellow line had to find four brass rings in huge heaps of sand. Lisa thought this sounded easy, and then came the DUMP TRUCKS of doom. They’d be digging through this sand forever, or at least for another half hour of airtime. Elizabeth got the first ring, Sophia swiped the second ring from Brendan, Brendan got the third, and Burgandy found the fourth. But not before Lisa threw a tantrum! “I. Want. A ring!” she complained, like Veruca Salt demanding a golden egg from Daddy. I want a feast…I want a bean feast! I still can’t get that song out of my head. It’s my bar of chocolate! Give it to me nowwww… Oh well, it’s a slightly better brain wave than the default What have you done today…to make ya feeeeeel proud?
In the end, Lisa and Tina — the women who wanted to go home anyway — were up for elimination. Tina got the boot in a no-brainer vote. She barely made a case for herself in front of the jury. It was her time. Based on post-ranch footage, she seems to be doing much better at home than she was doing on the ranch. She and her daughter (who looks exactly like her) have been working out, and her daughter’s lost 85 pounds. That’s pretty amazing. They hope to go onstage at the finale together to show “how it really got paid forward.” Annnnnnnd scene.
Hidden Gem of the Week: Bob seductively munching on forbidden fruit while Jillian delivered some tough love.
Happy with last night’s elimination, Biggest Loser fans? Do you like the B/P/F alliance? Would you have made it through the sand challenge or buried yourself alive on purpose? Chat about episode 3 in the comments!
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