The Biggest Loser recap: We've Come a Long Way, Baby
We have come a long way, fellow Biggest Loser fans. Just four months ago, we watched our unhealthy contestants huff and puff their way through climbing a small flight of stairs. Now they’re running marathons. That’s right: marathons. Let me channel Keanu for a second and simply say, whoa. The whole scene last night was so inspiring, I don’t want to believe that we’ll have to say goodbye to one of the four at the beginning of next week’s finale. But before we get to all that buzz-killing yellow line nonsense, let’s rewind a bit.
At the beginning of the episode, we met our final four, who stood on a stage in front of a large movie screen. For they are rock stars now, don’t you know? All of a sudden, the light behind them flashed brightly. Daris, mistaking this for lightening and remembering the scene in Twister when the tornado ripped through the drive-in movie screen, ran inside the ranch, found a bathtub, and placed a mattress over his head. Ashley came inside to get Daris, telling him that the lights, like the siren from weeks back, was no indication of a tornado, and Daris came back out, fears officially quelled.
That would have probably been more relaxing than having to watch footage of themselves from the entire season on the big screen. Because Biggest Loser hates when its contestants are comfortable, Daris, Ashley, Mike, and Koli were forced to stand directly in front of the screen and crane their necks back to see the footage. I’m beginning to think Biggest Loser is actually produced by owls.
But after watching themselves on screen — something I imagine the contestants are quite tired of by this time — the final four headed home. Mike went back to Chicago to show people how he’s changed. Not only has he lost weight, but now he can accessorize! Ashley headed back to Tennessee, a non-smoking woman. Daris rode in a car home to Oklahoma, wearing flannel fit for his state. Koli went back to his high school, where he ”took [his] shirt off for the first time.” (I’m assuming he’s talking about the first weigh-in.) And each of our contestants had one thing in common: boatloads of people waiting to cheer for their arrival. Now, I’m assuming a good number of these folks are fans of the show, and they aren’t all acquaintances of our contestants, right? Because the only place where I have as many friends as Daris & Co., is on Facebook, and I would bet that only 15 percent of them would actually travel to a gymnasium to cheer on my weight loss.
NEXT: Marathon man (and… woman…)
Either way, there were plenty of fans there, most wearing t-shirts rooting for their favorite contestant. Best effort would have to be awarded to Koli’s kin, who all wore ”I heart Koli Bear” shirts. Worst effort? Daris’ clan, who all wore shirts that simply read ”Daris.” No ”Go Daris” or ”Daris, you’re our hero”? Nope, just ”Daris.” They might as well have worn shirts that said, ”You exist.”
We saw some familiar faces in the crowd — Maria, Sam, Sherry, and Cheryl all looked significantly smaller, and were all on hand to see their family members weigh in much, much skinner than they did months before. Daris lost 151 pounds. Mike lost 204 pounds. Ashley lost 143 pounds. And Koli lost 172 pounds. Impressive, but Koli has loftier goals yet — not only does he want to champion Sione and Filipe from season seven, but he also has plans to win the whole shebang. Ah, now we’re officially game-playing, huh? (Not that Koli hasn’t already done so during the course of the show.)
But ah! Stop the cheering, crowds! A poltergeist has appeared on the screen! Oh wait, sorry, it was just Ali. But, let’s face it, what she had to say was equally as scary — the final four would be running the Biggest Loser marathon. And those who complete the marathon would get to donate $10,000 to their charity of choice.
Time to train! In between working out, Koli had a nice chat with his dad, Ashley realized she finally got her life back after mourning her father’s death, and Daris discussed his journey with his mom. Upon getting home, Mike walked into the bathroom, where he bent down to the sink and washed his face. He grabbed a towel behind him, dried himself off, looked up in the mirror in front of him — and screamed. ”Ah!” he yelled, spotting a faint blue light hovering next to him in his reflection. ”Hello Mike,” the light said, its low tone echoing through the bathroom. ”Who are you?!” Mike said, eyes wide in fear. ”Mike, you should know who I am. I trained with you every day on the ranch,” it said slowly, as a crisp, hauntingly white smile appeared in the middle of the light. ”Bob?” Mike asked, creeping his face closer to the light, as if hypnotically drawn in. Half a second later, he snapped back to reality and staggered backwards, grabbing onto the towel rack behind him. ”No, no, it can’t be. You aren’t human!” ”Try again,” the thing said. ”I’m Bob’s soul. He sent me here to portal into your body to do my duty. And you will do my duty, Mike.” ”But-but,” Mike stammered, backing up to the door, trying to find the knob. ”There’s no escape,” Bob’s soul said, ”I’m coming in — now!” Just as Mike’s fingers were inches from the knob, the blue light raced into his mouth, causing Mike to buck back and slam in to the door as Bob’s soul ran through the entirety of Mike’s body.
NEXT: Ladies and gentlemen, Curtis Stone
”Mike, everything okay in there?” Maria asked from outside. ”Mike” smiled, his eyes flashing blue, and stepped outside the bathroom. ”Just fine, Mari—er, mom,” he said. ”Just coming out here to tell you how much Jennie-O turkey can improve your dinner. It’s lean, healthy, and sold at grocery stores across the country. Jennie-O: Fresh, oven-ready turkey for you and your family!” ”Mike, are you okay?” Maria asked him. ”Of course Mari—I mean—mom. Just want you to know that Biggest Loser powder can help you reach your weight-loss goal. And you’re only five miles away from a five-dollar foot-long at Subway!” ”Bob,” Maria whispered wide-eyed to herself. She clasped her hands together, and walked briskly to ”Mike.” ”Get your soul out of my son!” She accentuated that last word by slapping ”Mike” on the back, a move that sent Bob’s blue-tinted soul flying out of the white contestant’s mouth while screaming, ”Nooooooooooo!” It flashed its white teeth at Maria, ”You’re going to find me in your Brita filter — when you least expect it!” Then, a snap later, he was gone. ”Well, that was weird,” Mike said, and began eating some Jennie-O turkey.
Shortly thereafter, Ashley called Mike to chat about the fact that Marmaduke had just jumped out of the Knoxville News Sentinel to play with her. ”Awesome,” Mike said. ”Hey, Ashley, shortcake, do you want to run this marathon together?” ”Of course, rice pudding,” she said gleefully. Daris, meanwhile, was running in the Oklahoma outdoors when a deer so kindly approached him and asked if he could run the marathon alongside the orange team contestant. ”Aww, Bambi, sounds like fun!” he said, rubbing the deer’s head while a pair of birds flew down and perched on Daris’ head to sing him a tune.
When he returned home, Curis Stone was there waiting for him. Unfortunately, since Daris didn’t see Sunday’s episode of The Celebrity Apprentice, he didn’t know that he should do everything possible to avoid Curtis’ handshake. You know, because of the chef’s bathroom habits and all. Anyway, Curtis told Daris, ”Hey mate. I’ve got a surprise for you.” Daris said, ”Really? A surprise? For me?” ”Yea! Just follow me inside your house!” Curtis said. Upon entering the home, however, Curtis immediately ran to the bathroom, shut the door, and came out ten minutes later. ”In there,” Curtis said, pointing towards the toilet, ”is your real surprise.” Daris pressed his fingers over his nose and asked if Curtis would just show him how to cook some healthy food. Curtis sighed, ”Oh, very well.”
So, even after learning that Curtis convinced Daris’ favorite restaurant to cook a healthy menu for the orange contestant, Daris slipped. Ate plenty of things he shouldn’t. But — he would train it off! With the help of Jillian! If only the trainer could find him. Jillian rode in a car in Oklahoma to find Daris. Couldn’t find him. She rode in a boat in an Oklahoma lake searching for Daris. Couldn’t find him. She flew in a Duff blimp searching for the guy. Couldn’t find him. She even took to one of those old-timey bikes from the 1900, riding in the fields of Oklahoma while saying, ”I’ll say, I’ll never find this lad. Why, I oughta…” Finally, she settled on a helicopter, and saw an orange blue dot running. There was Daris!
NEXT: The thin yellow line
Bob and his clone, meanwhile, simultaneously drove to Chicago and Las Vegas to train with Mike and Koli, respectively. But wait, Koli is from California. Why is he in Las Vegas? According to the grey team contestant, he needs to make the top two, and will do anything in his power to wipe out two other contestants. Hence, he’s journeyed to Vegas… to hire a hit man? Or, I guess, to shed weight thanks to mixed martial arts. This worries Bob, since contestants so hell-bent on winning tend to gain the weight back after the whole shebang is over, like season three’s Erik.
Still, the contestants trained. And trained and trained and trained. Daris ran so hard he needed a knee brace, Jillian spanked Ashley, and South Park’s Kenny took a walk through a Chicago neighborhood. Then it was time to return to the ranch and run a marathon — during a monsoon! Daris aimed to beat Tara’s record — four hours and 55 minutes — and raced in front of the other three contestants. Eventually, they all had company, from family and previous contestants like season 2’s Matt, season 7’s Sione, season 5’s Ali, and season 7’s Mike. Oh, and some dolphins decided to race alongside Daris, while a chipmunk waiting for him at mile 26 jumped on his back and cheered him on, ”Go, Daris, go!” And, what do you know? Daris did it. He killed Tara’s record, finishing the marathon at Four hours and two minutes. Koli nabbed second place, collapsing into a ball of tearful victory after crossing the finish line. And Ashley and Mike finished in six hours and 26 minutes, after Mike said something about GTL-ing in the sun. (Or did I hear that wrong?)
But let’s not be too celebratory — two contestants will have to beg for America’s vote to grab a spot in the final three. The results of the weigh-in:
Mike: -23 pounds. Percentage weight loss: 7.14
Koli: -13 pounds. Percentage weight loss: 5.63
Ashley: -18 pounds. Percentage weight loss: 7.79
Daris: +2 pounds. Percentage weight loss: +1.03
”Daris!” screamed the animal kingdom. ”What happened?! We were with you!” Yep, our man Daris gained weight, even while training like a monster, thanks to those moments when he succumbed to hunger. So he and Koli will have to face-off for votes — and is it any doubt who will nab the third spot in the final three? (Daris has it in the bag, doesn’t he? Especially after Koli’s sleepy plea?)
Who do you plan on voting for, Biggest Loser fans? Did you, like me, cry when Mike realized he was finally out of the 300s? Are you as in awe as I am of these contestants, with their ability to run a full marathon? And who are you rooting for to bag the whole win during the live show next week?