The Blonde Alliance takes aim at Boogie, while Boogie proves that his best days might be behind him

By Darren Franich
Updated July 19, 2012 at 02:20 AM EDT
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S14 E3
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So the Blonde Battalion was running away with the week-one game. They were loving every minute of it. Janelle came back into the house seeking vengeance against Boogie. Britney came back into the house seeking vengeance on the entire male race. They were both riding a wave of populist adoration. They both won the America’s Choice consolation prize. Britney won because everyone loves a sassy southern girl who can bitch like an east coast liberal elite Bravo executive. Janelle won because everyone loves a strong self-sufficient woman and also boobs. And now they were running the house. Boogie’s strongest player was on the block, and all Boogie could do was wear funny T-shirts. Dan’s most likable player was on the block, and all Dan could do was assure her, “Don’t worry, honey, everyone loves you, you’re gonna be a star.”

So Janelle and Britney were celebrating their week-one victory. They poured out a couple cups of wine and had a good bathroom cackle. “We’re leading the witch hunt on Dan and Boogie,” they laughed. Janelle was wearing an unnecessary bikini. Britney did her best imitation of herself: “Willie, Dan and Boogie are coming after you!” They laughed again. No one was coming after Willie. No one cares that he’s the brother of Russell Hantz — lots of people are brothers of lots of people. Britney and Janelle were fearmongering their own players. You get the vibe that the coaches think these new Big Brother contestants are all just saps, puppies, puppets, puppy puppets.

Over on the bleak side of the house, the male coaches were commiserating. “Team Blonde is a reality,” said Dan. “If we go out as coaches before these two girls…” Yes, truly a horrible thought, that two washed-up old winners could stumble back into the house expecting an easy victory, only to be undone by the oldest trick in the book. The first alliance isn’t always the best alliance. But the first alliance always makes it past week one. And if you can’t make it past week one, who are you? Boogie tried to pull out some veteran knowledge. He told Frank that Kara was going to freak out. “Hopefully she does what a lot of girls do. Especially the first girl nominated: They go into their shell. Let her cry! Let her cry!”

At the veto draw, Frank begged the gods of reality television not to select Danielle and Shane as his competition. The draw came out: “Danielle and Shane!” Kara knew that Danielle had her back. So she walked over to Shane. “Hey, can we talk?” she asked. “In private?” she specified. They went into the Andy Warhol Vortex Room for a quick chat. Kara’s mind was focused on strategy. Shane’s mind was focused on Kara. “With Kara being so cute, if she wants to come talk to me, I’m there,” said Shane. (I should point out that, at one point in this episode, Shane suddenly had a confessional faux-hawk and perfect stubble. He looked like a man in the process of transforming into David Beckham circa 2002.) Then Frank tried to woo Shane into an alliance. “You and I are the main targets in this house,” said Frank. “You’re jacked, dude,” agreed Shane. Just a couple dudes, duding out in the kitchen.

Meanwhile, Boogie went upstairs to kiss Britney’s ring. I’ll be intrigued to see how the player-coach dynamic works in future weeks, when the Head of Household is an actual person and not the De Vito half of a Twins brother cloning experiment. Right now, Britney is like one of those popes who basically ran the Holy Roman Empire while the Emperor was hosting month-long orgies in Tuscany. Boogie knows this. Boogie’s tragedy this season is that he has a perfect read on the situation, and has no idea how to properly react to it. He’s like a brilliant multi-lingual man who just suffered a brain hemorrhage, and now he can read perfect English but can only speak Finnish.

Boogie smiled his old Boogie smile, looking for all the world like Jack Lemmon in Glengarry Glen Ross. “Nice to meet you!” he laughed gleefully. He acted as if meeting Mike Boogie on Day 6 of a Big Brother season is a holy Sacrament. “You might feel it’s girls against boys,” he said. “Are Janelle’s people off-limits?” Pope Britney ate some Cheez-its and said nothing. “I’m going to put my foot forward,” said Boogie, putting his foot in his mouth, “If Frank comes off, and Jenn is the other nominee, I will know what game I’m playing.”

Pope Britney laughed in his face. “Boogie tries to intimidate me,” she confided. “His little tactics do not rattle me, do not phase me.” This was a delirious strategy mishap for Boogie. This wasn’t quite Ned Stark giving Cersei a five-day head start, but it was close. Even worse was to come, though. Britney told Janelle about Boogie’s sleazebag move. Then Boogie walked over and made an offer to Janelle. “Here’s Dan’s head on a platter,” he said, “Do you want to claim his left retina? It goes great with Tabasco.” Boogie sold out his only close ally. Janelle told Dan, so now Dan hates Boogie, too.

NEXT: It all comes out in the wash. At least, that’s what the dirty people always say.

There are many problems with this season’s decision to swoop The Voice and bring in coaches. The main problem is that the Big Brother producers did not go all the way with their “homage” and insist that the coaches spend the entire season on Star Trek swivel chairs, being pushed everywhere by their teammates. But the other big problem is that we haven’t had too much time to get to know the new contestants. So we have to cherish the little character moments we’re getting. Like the revelation that Ian can kick himself in the face. And he demonstrated that trick over and over and over again. Meanwhile, Jojo and Danielle had one of those funny “I’m from the South, you’re from New York!” conversations that never gets old, because everyone in America talks funny. (Except for Californians. We talk totes normal, dude man hella like.)

Jojo is fast emerging as one of my three favorite contestants on this season of Big Brother. Maybe it’s because she has the biggest personality, or maybe it’s because she has the most clearly defined onscreen persona. She was hosting the veto competish, which involved bubbles. She said: “I know a thing or two…about laundry.” I don’t know why she referenced laundry like that. Was it a reference to the Jersey Shore “GTL” catchphrase? Is laundry a codeword for sex? I just don’t know. But I almost want to name Jojo my ridiculously early pick to win it all….

But I cannot! Because another relatively minor Big Brother contestant has already claimed the top spot in my bracket. I’m talking about Smashley, this season’s burgeoning quote machine. I can’t get a read on Smashley. She thought Ian was cute. She takes such childlike joy in everything around her. But she had one line in this episode, and it had me on the floor. “I see laundry and washing machines!” she said. “I love doing laundry. AND I LOVE BUBBLES!!!” [Italics and exclamation points mine.] Smashley looks at the world through the eyes of a lobotomized child. I imagine that, every time she smiles, an angel gets its wings. And every time she laughs, a volcano erupts and destroys a small uninhabited island in the Pacific.

(ASIDE: My other favorite contestant is Wil, but we haven’t really seen him do anything yet, so it’s impossible to give him a draft ranking. Although he wasn’t exactly burning up the veto competition. But hey, not everyone loves bubbles. END OF ASIDE.)

Anyhow, the veto competition sent the contestants into a field filled with bubbles to find some oversized coins and throw them into a magical slot. They had to get exact change: $1.30, or the price of a monthly comic book twenty years ago. Kara was having some problems with the whole skill-and-accuracy thing. (Neither Kara nor Danielle read like physical competitors. That means Team Dan is depending almost entirely on pure neutral likability at this point — which, this early in the game, might actually be a good bet.) Frank found himself a hidden stash of dollar coins. He was like that weird dude who only pays in Sacagawea dollars. But he couldn’t get them into the slot. It came down to Frank vs. Shane, physical competitor vs. physical competitor, ’80s McEnroe vs. ’00s Beckham. Shane won it all.

Upstairs, the Blonde Battalion celebrated again. Another day, another week one victory for L’Alliance du Femme Fatale. Shane dithered for a hot second about maybe pulling someone off the block. Boogie tried to engage in some old-school Boogie banter. He woke up early and bugged Shane about strategy. Boogie was wearing blue capri shorts and a red-and-white-striped short-sleeve hoodie over a long-sleeve blue shirt. He looked like the picture your divorced uncle posted on his OK Cupid profile. He looked like Where’s Waldo after a poorly-advised attempt to make Where’s Waldo cool in the early ’90s. He looked like Michael Jordan in retirement. Shane nodded his head while Boogie talked and didn’t listen to a god damn thing Boogie said.

Neither player on the block made a convincing case. Kara said, “Shane, you look really good today.” Shane nodded, as if to say, “Of course I do, honey doll. I’m Shane. I flip houses.” Frank said: “If you pull me off the block…appreesh.” Shane laughed and condemned Frank to death. “Appreesh.” It was subtitled. In the aftermath of the non-veto, Team Blonde celebrated their victory. Boogie was left sputtering. “I’m Mike Boogie,” he said, “Mike Boogie won All-Stars while Dan was beating a bunch of amateurs.” Boogie better shape up, or he’ll spend the season lurking in the corner while different teams keep Ian the Face-Kicker around as a bronze-medal patsy.

Or will he? The narrator claimed that, in tomorrow’s episode, the players will unite against the coaches. Maybe Team Blonde’s pride is going before the fall. Maybe this whole coaching twist will be turned on its head by a cast of contestants who already seem way savvier than the supposed all-stars coaching them. Fellow viewers, what did you make of last night’s shenanigans? Is Boogie washed up? Is Britney the new Boogie? How much does Smashley love bubbles? How much do you love Smashley? Tweet at me @EWDarrenFranich. I’ll see you tomorrow. Yo guys: Appreesh.

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