The house starts making alliances, talking about Botox, and squeezing a white liquid out of psychedelic cow costumes -- but stays mum on big off-air news

By Jessica Shaw
Updated July 11, 2011 at 03:59 AM EDT
Big Brother
Credit: Sonja Fleming/CBS
S13 E2

Mooooo!!!! Were you udderly irritated that Big Brother said nothing about Evel Dick leaving the house even though we all know about it? I sure was. In fact, tonight’s had way too much Dick, as the craggy-faced, cocky papa went around trying to make deals with newbies right and left. What a waste of our time as viewers, considering we know that he won’t be a factor on the show in about 48 more hours.

Of course, that doesn’t mean that tonight’s episode was without its merits, choice lines, and horrible novice game playing. So let’s get to it, starting with a player who probably won’t last much longer than the Dick himself.

Porsche. Dear, dear Porsche. At VIP cocktail waitress school, did they not teach you to hold your cards close to your enhanced chest for more than two minutes? The Florida hottie was quick to align with Evel Dick and to offer her and her horndog youth minister partner Keith’s votes to go with the veterans and against all logic. I’d get on her for acting like she’d never seen a reality show, but being a VIP waitress is busy work so maybe she hasn’t had time.

Keith was, of course, horrified. And why not? He’d already formed one of the more unfortunately-named alliance in Big Brother history, the Regulators, with Cassi, Lawon, and Dominic. Mind you, I kind of like this alliance, even though I kind of hate 2-2.5 members of said alliance. It was wise for someone to form an alliance out of one member of each newbie duo. I was just hoping that Cassi and Shelly would stick together longer. I like the idea of these two sisters in Southernness outsmarting the dolts like Dominic. Also, is it just me or does Keith skeez you out? This man of God has leered at every woman in the house, humped his way through the competition, and spends way too much time working those biceps in the yard. I’d be thrilled if he went home.

Next: Don’t have a cow, moon man

Holy moly. Does that mean I have something in common with Rachel? We both want Keith gone and I think when I was 7, I too had a teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini like she wore tonight. I’m not liking this one bit. In her defense, she of the cackle that would turn the Buddha into a rageaholic, was relatively subdued tonight. Was she thinking strategy or whether you need Botox at 27? Or why on earth Julie Chen dared let a woman into the house who’s so much hotter than she is? As she said to her fiancé, Brendon “Do you think Cassi had a nose job? She either had Botox or a nose job.” Brendon yammered on about the woman he loves needing nothing, but Rachel called Brendon on his less-than-pure taste…which if anyone saw his You Tube apology, already knows about. “Brendon hates Botox, lip injections, anything that’s plastic surgery,” she said, then pointing to Thing 1 and Thing 2, “But he never complains about these.” Bam! Take that, B and your PhD!

As for tonight’s cow on the moon competition, in which the cow-dressed contestants absorbed milky stuff in their costumes, only to be wrung out by a teammate, it was a solid first week challenge. As previously noted, Keith certainly seemed to like it. Jordan didn’t seem to understand much and proclaimed, “If I was a cow I would definitely not want to be on the moon. I would want to be on the farm with all the other cows.” Yes, Jordan. It’s always wise to take Big Brother challenges to as literal a place as possible. The only Jordan moment more painful (or endearing? Why do I love Jordan so much even though if my daughter grew up to be Jordan I’d be horrified?) was watching her attempt to have the brain power to talk strategy with Rachel. But back to the competition, the veterans took a decisive victory. Shelly claimed she “felt like I was in a womens’ prison fight,” which made me wonder why a women’s prison fight would feel like lots of milky, padded people running around and squirting things at each other. Are women’s prisons just lactation centers?

In the end, Kalia, Lawon, Cassi, and Shelly lost and were sentenced to the brightly-lit room that would scare even Nurse Ratched. Of course, the loss only emboldened our dear Lawon, who took the opportunity to refer to himself in the third person and talk about still being handsome. That should get you far, buddy. At least there’s something slightly sweet about him and his attempts at fashion. Kalia just looks miserable all the time, like an 8-year-old whose parents are forcing her to play with the really yucky kids down the street. She needs to stop thinking she’s a princess, queen, and especially Carrie Bradshaw.

After the challenge, Evel Dick decided to lure in Adam, the 90210-loving bearded badass from Jersey. “This is an offer you can’t refuse,” Dick told Adam about the deal in which Adam would do every single thing Dick told him to do. Cool! And though at first Adam seemed to be in awe of the veterans, it became clear that he eventually put his game brain in the right place. Yes, he announced that he’s determined to get Evel Dick out of the house. Uh, yeah, like that’s relevant information anymore.

In the end, Rachel decided to put horndog Keith and VIP waitress Porsche up for elimination. I guess there’s going to be a power of veto but does it matter? The game doesn’t really start until next week. And until then…the Regulators are here to stay! Wow. That really is a bad name.

What did you all think? Do you like the Regulators? Do you think Shelly looks like Steven Tyler? Did you wonder why Rachel left her cow costume on long after the challenge was over?

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Big Brother

Big Brother

Julie Chen hosts as the houseguests battle it out.

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