Big Brother recap: Finale With a Chance of Meatballs
Remember when Dominique was in an alliance with God? That was fun
Do you feel it? You totally feel it, right?A slight crisp in the air (even though it’s 80 degrees and climate change is real)…a feeling that you need to pack up that suspiciously revealing one-piece bathing suit and take a moment to remember? Remember the vaguely sexy times you had this summer. Remember that trip to the lake or the beach or that nice pond that feels like a lake. And remember this season of Big Brother, when Paul slowly convinced 16 other people they were in charge of the season.Paul opens this year’s review episode by pointing out what should be obvious at this point: This season belongs to him. He essentially starts giving his jury speech, and it’s 100 percent logical. Paul should win, but here’s the thing: One more person has to leave, and while Christmas is still torn on whether or not she should take Paul to the finale (?!?!), Josh understands that this is his last chance. He has to take a shot if provided with the opportunity. Big Brother treats the team to a lobster dinner, and we kick it off: The Memories™.We flash back to night one…well, kind of. We flash back to when Kevin takes the 25K temptation, and for some reason, he decides to tell Matt about it. Matt promises that he won’t say anything and then immediately goes and tells literally anyone who will listen. Kevin kind of flips out, and then Raven shows up because of course she does. Dear readers, will you remind me: When exactly did we all decide that Raven was literally the worst? I mean, she definitely is, but I can’t remember when it happened. Was she storing all that annoying in her red topknots? Who knows. Anyway, she flips out on Kevin for calling out “Matthew” (whoever that is), and then Alex joins in, and the Drama just ends up living in the backyard with a pickle juice/hot sauce stain somewhere on the nearby AstroTurf.But then we get some relief. Somehow in all of this, Jody (Jessica and Cody) get a bit of a hero edit. We see the moment when Cody revealed to Jessica that he has a daughter, and how nice was that?? Cody lights up and smiles all over about his 5-year-old Paisley, and it’s honestly adorable. And if you’re not a Jody fan, apparently you can slide in at the end of the season and root for the couple we never really knew existed: Friendship Paul and Christmas Joy. Apparently they really care about each other. Now it makes a lot more sense, though, that Christmas would give up $500K for Paul.Next up, we get a recap of Matt and Raven, and you know what? I respect you more than to waste your time. They threw stuff at each other, and Raven likely acquired a medical condition because of it. So instead of reviewing that, let’s talk about Kevin and this low-key mobster edit they gave him. Kevin taught the houseguests how to yell at people, how to assign aliases, and how to rock a nice summer suit, but they all decide that Kevin isn’t a mobster as much as he is a rat.Rats aren’t the only issue in the Big Brother house. There were snakes, and that takes us back to the age of Dominique. Remember Dominique, who wasn’t doing anything for a while until she literally figured out everything? She was one of the first to point the finger at Paul before he had her taken care of.Maybe the issue with Dominique’s attack is that it was founded in this strange, vaguely prophetic and Biblical phrasing that made it seem that the Unexpected this season was that God was going to descend on the house and send Paul to damnation. Let us all remember Dominique: a true threat whose only downfall was comparing Paul’s demise to the actual book of Revelation. And we can’t discuss throwdowns without discussing Josh. I suggested earlier this season that if you argued with Josh, you went home soon after, and you know what? That theory pretty much held true.What was pretty fascinating this season was the temptation aspect — not just the temptations that were given out to Paul, Christmas, and Jessica, but the consequences that followed. Unfortunately, the Halting Hex held little to no benefit for Jessica and Cody, but the idea behind it was pretty genius in theory. But the temptation are over, and we’re stuck with these three meatballs. The first competition is full endurance that every competitor can participate in. That means it’s an even playing field, and whoever wins will immediately make it to the last competition. And for once this season, no one is throwing this comp.Who are you rooting for? Who do you want to see take this season, and are you as worried as I am about Christmas falling and rebreaking her foot? I don’t know…I’m just a nervous mom, ya know? We don’t have to love this final three, but we do have to wish for their safety because without them, we don’t have Big Brother, and Julie Chen needs a break from The Talk sometimes.