When Julie Chen closes one door, she opens up another that allows you to practice your cooking skills

By Justin Kirkland
July 22, 2016 at 03:00 AM EDT
Credit: CBS
S18 E14

I threw up a lot in kindergarten. Like, almost every day. So much so that by the end of kindergarten, I was arguably one of the most uneducated kids in my class. Not because I was stupid or unable to learn, but because I spent so much time throwing up and recovering that I fell behind. I had a lot of making up to do in first grade, and I had no time to waste. If first-grade Justin could pick up on that, then what’s Da’Vonne’s excuse?

That’s right — in the course of one week, Da’Vonne went from being in the seat of power to the seat of nomination, because old habits apparently die extra hard with this one. Of course, her behavior came to light once she was nominated to replace Corey by Tiffany, who makes it known she is NOT one to back down to a hair flip. But if this week has yielded anything, it should be an Emmy nomination for whomever is in charge of sound effects: The whipping noises that accompany each mention of Da’Vonne’s hair flip and the laser sounds every time Tiffany stares at her are incredible.

On top of all of that, James and Natalie are “having a fight.” I won’t elaborate on this anymore unless it seems important, because I’m here for hard-hitting Big Brother recapping, not this showmance poppycock. Janelle, Derrick, and I have that in common.

Elsewhere in the house, where the game is actually being played, Frank, Paulie, and Corey come together so Frank can try and oust Da’Vonne because of her strength in the jury house. That’s an awfully thoughtful long game, but you can’t blame a man for trying. Similarly, Tiffany is outside with Nicole (whose voice has been particularly grating this season, am I right?), trying to convince herself Da’Vonne has too many faces to name. Nicole takes the bait REAL hard. Diet Vanessa, feeling REAL good about herself, tackles Paulie — and from the outside, it seems Paulie also takes the bait. I can’t with these people.

Neither can Da’Vonne, though. She sashays up to the HOH and complains that the other house guests are, um, “having a kiki?” with Tiffany. I’m more shocked Da’Vonne potentially knows the Scissor Sisters than the prospect of her going home. And that’s why she chats with James about going after the couples and where she might stand with the house. Simply put, Da’Vonne is blowing up her game really hard. James takes that information over to Paulie Good Pecs, and now it seems Tiffany could literally blanket herself for the rest of the week and be totally fine.

That’s when we pan out to the all-knowing Julie Chen, who has decided to focus on Paulie and Tiffany and their alumni siblings, Cody and Vanessa. Cody comments on how Paulie is being too flirty, but still being really great. He wanted him to align with Tiffany, but like… he changed his mind. And then Vanessa essentially says Tiffany has no chance at all of winning because she’s her sister, which was Vanessa’s problem in the game. She seriously overestimated her own power.

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After all that, the three ladies go forth and offer up their votes, and it appears Tiffany’s powers weren’t enough because it’s she who’s sent packing. Honestly, though, it wasn’t even close. By a unanimous vote, Tiffany collected everyone’s spite and is pushed out the door. A Vanessa, she is not.

NEXT: Down (to play volleyball), but not out

Ultimately, Diet Vanessa struggles to admit exactly why she was evicted, even if Vanessa had something to do with it. Hilariously, she listens to the goodbye messages, and it seems the big problem was too many people were pulling for her. If given the opportunity for a do-over, Tiffany admits she wouldn’t be as emotional (LOLOL) — and like the last four evictees, she just might get the chance. That’s when we get a hair more information about the Battle Back, which takes place tomorrow night. Tiffany seems 45-percent excited, but also 55-percent totally devastated she might have to go back in. Poor Tiff.

This catapults us into the BONUS sequester house, where we find out Glenn has been working on his cooking skills this season. You remember Glenn?! He was the token older guy so no one could claim ageism. He was also eliminated without actually being eliminated, so my hope is he comes back. And then there’s Jozea, who is literally a garbage person when it comes to the game. He’s been playing volleyball by himself in the sequester house. Sexy Victor, who admits to having an awful game, has spent his sequester time… working out. I KNOW — a plot twist if there ever were one. And then, of course, there’s Bronte, who figured out she was playing the game as she walked out the door. She’s interested in being brutal. BRUTAL BRONTE.

But more importantly, we find out tonight’s team twist comes to an end — which is wonderful, because Bridgette hasn’t been relevant since May and the show hadn’t even started then. Roadkill goes away as well. But this is Big Brother, as Julie says, so there’s more secrets to reveal. James, being the logical one, immediately assumes it means Corey is Derek Jeter. Seems legit. So we don’t get an HOH tonight, but we do get some houseguests stirring about trying to determine what the twist will be. And even from afar, Da’Vonne looks like she’s about to blow up. I’m anticipating some Regina-George-style tomfoolery by the end of next week. I want to root for her… I do, but she’s on the way to self-destruction.

Until tomorrow (LORD, we’re getting a lot of time together this week), what do you think? Who do you hope returns from the Battle Back? Do you feel bad for Diet Vanessa? Did you take a shot after each word Michelle said? We’ll see you tomorrow for more Julie and more drama.

Episode Recaps

Big Brother

Big Brother

Julie Chen hosts as the houseguests battle it out.

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