Another double eviction rocks the house... or, at least, could have.

By Marc Snetiker
Updated September 04, 2015 at 04:10 AM EDT
Credit: CBS
S17 E32

Another double eviction!? Surely you jest, Julie C.K.! But no, it’s the truth, despite the freshness of the wounds from that last double eviction evening, when Steve went full Blanche DuBois and wreaked havoc across a streetcar named Jackie. But is this week’s just as scintillating and unexpected as Steve’s meltdown? Not quite.

Sure, it could have been — the double eviction comes on the heels of a very interesting pairing on the block, between friendly neighborhood Meg and fair-weather symbiote Julia, whom Vanessa nominated believing to be the least of the remaining evils. Heading into eviction, would her plan work? Would Slytherin-with-Hufflepuff-undertones Julia be construed as the more minimal threat and thus finally push Meg out the door?

Unfortunately for anyone who enjoys unpredictability, yes.

Meg, James, and Johnny Mac were eager to seize the moment and try to flip the votes against Julia, which would have finally pumped some excitement into this banal last third of the game. When they bring the opportunity to Steve, he melts into a puddle of giddy realization that it might actually be the time to break up the Scamper Squad. But Steve brings the option to Vanessa, and the Almighty Beanied One (who now lives in constant fear of an impending attack from James) convinces Steve to stay the course, reasoning that James and a saved Meg would never support them in the long run, and they should stick with the plan to oust Meg. (Vanessa also still has a secret albeit bizarre final-two deal with Johnny Mac, who is much more likely to make a bigger move if Meg remains in the house.)

Steve vomits from indecision, as so many of us are wont to do, but in the end, he, too, contributes to the friendliest eviction since Grover couldn’t pay his rent on Sesame Street.

There’s no time for tears to be shed on Meg’s behalf, or for a 21 “Blank Space” salute to be sung in her memory. It’s right into the HOH trivia competition, which Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Vanessa is unable to compete in, leaving the door wide open for a victory from someone who can really shake things up. But does anyone interesting win? Of course not, since this season is already past the point of no return and crawling toward a slow, boring finale with an unlikable victor wearing the Grim Reaper’s hoodie.

In the HOH comp, Steve and James are immediately eliminated, with John and Austin shortly after. The new HOH is Liz, which is great news for people who like corn flakes and lukewarm showers and empty cups of plain yogurt. She safely puts up her two targets: James and Johnny Mac. I’d like to think that if she had more time in a regular week, she might be able to be convinced to make a big move against Vanessa and ensure her spot in the final three with Austin and Julia. But in this limited time, Liz keeps it safe.

Everyone is chosen to compete for the veto except Vanessa. It’s a simple roll-the-ball, get-a-score game, and it’s really anybody’s to win—except it’s not, because Steve immediately bones out and the easy win goes to Julia. The good witch of the west opts to keep the nominations the same, out of respect to her sister and unsalted butter everywhere.

In their final pleas, both James and John seem to share my ambivalence: They both appear to be largely uninterested in however this vote turns out. I mean, do you blame them? The quality of life is rapidly declining inside the BB17 walls, and the eventual evicted houseguest—James—is actually quite lucky, as he no longer has to live in Austin’s Fun-Time Harem, sharing a bed with Steve’s vomit and a bathroom with Vanessa’s halitosis of the soul.

I like to imagine that James and Meg will reunite in the jury house and begin a long, three-week staycation that’s worlds better than living out their summer days in the actual game. Sensible viewers should agree that there’s only one saving grace left for victory and season-wide redemption: the good dentist Johnny Mac, who is our last hope for an interesting finale and, in truth, humanity itself.

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