A double eviction sends the house into total chaos, with one blindside and a very peeved Nicole. Plus, Dr. Seuss is alive and well and doing the Gator Chomp.

By Marc Snetiker
Updated August 08, 2014 at 03:55 AM EDT
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Big Brother

S16 E20
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Double eviction! Jury house! Angry Nicole! Wheezing Donny! Rhyming Zach! The death of the double HoH twist for an hour! Just because you’re out of the house, you’re not necessarily out of the game! Allison Williams playing Peter Pan!?!?

Holy moly, what an hour of Big Brother. Sure, we’ve been expecting the double eviction ax to drop all week long, but this week has certainly proven to be one of major upheaval in the BB treehouse, and thus the drama of tonight’s episode has truly reached a “Hogwarts is under attack” level of intensity.

Double evictions are just the rudest. They shake up the game, but in a way that’s almost so horrifyingly unexpected, it’s unlikeable. Tonight’s shake-up was utterly delicious, though. Twisted summer ever indeed.

Let’s break it down:

PART 1: THE PRE-SHOW FESTIVITIES

Remember when the episode began and the threat of Zach’s departure was looming? Oh, those good old days. Much like Trapper-Keepers and French Toast Crunch, the idea that Zach could leave seems like a distant memory from a lifetime ago. But at the episode’s onset, we find Derrick, Cody, and Hayden thoroughly convinced that Zach is likely going home, and rather than incur the wrath of Zach Attack (now a certified superhero), they decide to give him the peace of mind and not tell him—or Frankie—he’s being voted out. But when Frankie catches Cody and Derrick mid-plotting, the most awkward thing in the history of awkwardness happens. Not only does Cody completely stop mid-sentence, but he winks and then says “’ello, sir!” in a cockney accent. I honestly can’t decide which action was worse because they were both so painfully, horrifically cringe-worthy. It was like Cody imitated every bad romantic comedy ever, and the result was just bad. (Movie idea: Cody in Cockney Blocked, co-starring Katherine Heigl.)

Derrick tries to do recon with Frankie, and they mutually decide that Zach is a manipulator and not long for this world, which breaks poor Frankie’s heart à la Ralph Wiggum in The Simpsons. Frankie really does seem convinced that there’s nothing he can do to save Zach, an attitude that the Pink Grande seems to have adopted a few weeks ago and never dropped. Alas, all good romances must come to an end. Until! The boys let Caleb in on the plan, and wouldn’t you know it—Caleb convinces them that it’d be dumb to get rid of Zach for the numbers. This suddenly dawns on Derrick, who is ostensibly the Velma of this group and should have come to this realization a long time ago. “Zach might be a snake, but he’s my snake,” quips Derrick, and so a meeting of the Detonators is called and Nicole and Hayden are exposed for their plan of backdooring Frankie and Christine. Thus, the Detonators have been picked up for another season! Just like the why-won’t-you-die Community, the Detonators just can’t seem to stay down for too long. How many times has the alliance basically destroyed and regenerated itself à la Groot this season?

PART 2: OH, THE PLACES YOU’LL GO (AFTER YOU’RE EVICTED)

So the votes roll around and Zach stays, largely because of the aforementioned Detonators’ renewal but perhaps also because he proves himself to be a rhyming genius and master of the Dr. Seuss game. Donny and Hayden seem genuinely shocked that Jocasta is going home. The level of their shock itself shocks me, but is perhaps not as shocking as the fact that Victoria got the vote right, because I have to believe that nobody really tells Victoria anything remotely related to strategy in this house. Like, does she just sit there making up her own mind? I bet that sometime during the 23 hours of the day Victoria spends in bed, she made one of those little fortune-teller things out of folded notebook paper and used that to guide her decision.

Jocasta leaves, and I’m sure someone out there thinks her exit interview with Julie is interesting, but I’m not going to waste the text space. She was a worthy player who managed to stick around much longer than she should have, if only because she was a pawn for getting out more threatening players. But her time is up, and if she doesn’t end up coming back into the game (as Julie so coyly teased), I’d like to think she’ll open up a bow-tie store somewhere that maybe someone will go to because they got lost on the way to a Sonic.

And now, things get REAL. To lead us into the major drama of the night, here’s a photo of Ariana Grande realizing she’s forgotten the lyrics to “Bang Bang.”

NEXT: The “double” part of “double eviction”

PART 3: AYCH OH AYCH

For the next hour, there is just one HoH, and without hesitation we blast forward into the competition. It’s a math memory competition, and half of the house is eliminated in the first question. After just four questions, Caleb wins. Yes, you read that correctly—it’s a mental capacity competition and Caleb has emerged victorious, thus proving the prophecy that Ellie Goulding set forth in the lead single of her second studio album two Augusts ago.

With a win under his belt, Caleb turns on the Beast Mode, meaning he gets really red and flexes his biceps. The funniest thing about Caleb winning is that his ego is probably inflated to a ridiculous degree, and it’s already pretty big. Caleb has been operating under the assumption that he’s one of the puppet masters in his alliance when really he’s probably the most oblivious member. (Movie idea: Caleb in Always a Pinocchio, Never a Geppetto, co-starring Tilda Swinton.) But that’s no matter, because Caleb’s HoH, and there’s no way this won’t turn out well for him. There are only three real people left in the house who aren’t in his alliance—Donny, Hayden, and Nicole. You can also count Victoria the Friendly Ghost, but I think even she forgets she’s still in the house at this point.

So Caleb puts up Hayden and Donny, blaming it on “a lot of he say, she say,” which coincidentally enough was going to be the title of my upcoming memoir. It’s a smart move, because it’s a win-win—Nicole is just waiting to be put up in case either won veto, and then the drama will really unfold.

PART 4: THE DRAMA REALLY UNFOLDS

The veto competition involves Caleb, Donny, Zach, Christina, Hayden, and Victoria, but to say I even noticed that those last three were in the competition would be a lie and, well… Things to notice during the rubber-ducky-retrieval-in-a-ball-pit game: Caleb leaping and flipping over the hump like some kind of non-Michael Bay Ninja Turtle, Donny almost dying for a solid 10 minutes after the competition, and Zach giving up before finding his third duck because Zach kind of has a rage problem at this point when competitions don’t go his way.

So Donny wins the power of veto, and obviously he takes himself off the block, because why wouldn’t he? Caleb, without further ado, puts Nicole up, and she is pissed. She’s so pissed, she won’t even look at Hayden. She’s so pissed, she won’t even cry. She’s so pissed, she won’t watch the final season of The Killing on Netflix because she was so dissatisfied by seasons 1 through 3. She’s so pissed, she isn’t even wearing her chunky glasses.

In their plea speeches, Hayden and Nicole both attempt to throw Frankie and Christine under the bus as the masterminds behind the whole plan. It’s a strategy that won’t really work here—nobody in the house is really rallying to “fight against them,” although I wonder if the blonde duo has planted the seeds that Frankie and Christine ought to be major targets moving forward. When Hayden and Nicole mention that Zach should be worried, Frankie and Christine both quell his paranoia with just a look. (Movie idea: Frankie and Christine in Look Who’s Looking: Looks to Kill, co-starring Modern Family‘s Rico Rodriguez as ‘The Baby.’)

PART 5: NICOLE STOPS BEING POLITE AND STARTS GETTING REAL

At the vote, Cody and Donny vote for Nicole, and Derrick/Christine/Frankie/Zach/Victoria vote out Hayden. It’s a sign of the true nature of the Double Eviction Scramble that allied duo Cody and Derrick didn’t even vote together. My roommate was convinced that the houseguests had apt time to mouth names to each other, but nope, even the Hitmen can’t get in sync on this one. I imagine that most people voted out Hayden in the pinch because he’s probably more of a physical threat moving forward, even though there’s basically no evidence to back up this claim. Or maybe they just didn’t trust him, which is a claim that actually has evidence since he’s been super shady at times (remember when he made that weird veto deal with Victoria?).

Hayden leaves the house, and we can see Nicole on the brink of an explosion before he’s even out the door. In fact, there are actually soundbite snippets of the first seepage of rage. “You’ll see it all on TV someday, Zach,” she yells at him because I think Zach made fun of her almost immediately. “Was that your plan the whole time, Christine?” she tosses over to her bygone barista BFF.

Ohhh, boy. Something is cooking next week! As we finish the episode, everyone looks like they’ve just survived the Titanic. Nicole is frantically pacing and mouthing something off to Caleb; Cody’s expressing beautiful distress with Donny, who is expressing equal distress but with a beard; Zach is holding court with Frankie and Christine, which will likely be an interesting trio to watch as next week rolls around; and Derrick’s talking to Victoria, who likely had never met Hayden and is now super confused about who the strange man in the tank top is who just hugged her.

PART 6: FINAL REMARCS

I didn’t give enough love to Zach’s Dr. Seuss rant, but truly, anyone who can passably rhyme “Jocasta” deserves to stay another week.

–Donny and Caleb’s diary room bypass WOULD be skeet shooting.

–Remember when this season’s living quarters were supposed to be themed as a treehouse?

–I take a little offense at the announcer suggesting in the episode recap that if Frankie were evicted, he’d be sent “back to Broadway.” That is for casting directors to decide.

–Amid all of this madness, the last thing anyone wants is a Team America mission choice. There’s nothing worse than Team America, except maybe Devin.

–Remember when Caleb went to the nomination ceremony as Kate Winslet?

Follow me on Twitter: @MarcSnetiker

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