In this episode, Jenn cried. Dan cried. Ian cried. Shane and Danielle cried again.

By Andrew Fuller
Updated September 10, 2012 at 12:35 PM EDT
S14 E26
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Ian had been waiting for this moment since he was ten. A video “love message” from Season 12 & 13’s buxom, so-fake-I’m-real, Vegas-in-a-bottle, Rachel Reilly!?! Not so much. But more on that later…

First, let’s recap the recap.

Last Thursday’s episode had us all wondering what went on behind the scenes during the double eviction which led Dan to put up Danielle on the block as a replacement for Ian, and ultimately Chef Joe going buh-bye.

Here’s what went down: After Dan won HOH (post Frank’s au revoir), he told Ian that he had to go up on the block with Joe as a pawn in order not to expose their “Renegades” alliance [Insert cheesy gun shot noise]. Dan then turned around and told Dani, Shane and Jenn that he was going to put up Joe and Ian, with the plan being to evict Ian if the nominations ended up staying the same after the POV. When Ian won the POV in what he called “the best feeling I’ve had in my entire life” and Dan was forced to replace Ian with another nominee, Dan wanted to make another power play by targeting Shane. With the seconds ticking away before Dan had to name his replacement, Dani pled her case to keep Shane safe, clarifying to Dan that Shane would never put up or backstab either of them (Dan or Dani), nor would he ever tell Ian that Dan had made a play to get Ian evicted earlier that night. In a moment of weakness, Dan caved in and accordingly, “Danielle saves her boyfriend for one more week.”

After Chef Shouts-A-Lot was evicted 3-0, Dan decided it was time for damage control. While making the case that putting up Danielle never put her anywhere close to harm’s way came as a breeze, Dan even managed to manipulate Dani into believing that HE did HER a favor by putting her up on the block instead of Shane. “That was my shot to take out Shane. That’s on you now. You’re staying. But I kept him because you wanted to keep him. Just so you know. I did that for you.” All I could think of during that speech was how Dan must talk to his poor wife when he wants her to make him dinner.

As Dani likes to say, “OMG.” As she actually said, “I know why he put me up, but it’s still scary.” WTF is Danielle smoking? I’m guessing it’s buff and rhymes with “pain.” To absolutely no surprise, Dani immediately ran and told Shane that she went up because she convinced Dan not to put up Shane, because putting her up would ensure that Joe would be voted out and that her knight in shining armor would hath remain to see the live long day for yet another week. In a scene from the cutting room floor, Shane bowed, knelt down on one knee, kissed Danielle’s hand and proclaimed, “Thank you milady.”

By now, it’s clear that Shane isn’t going to take his relationship with Danielle to the next level. But like Frank, Shane’s game seems to be held back by his loyalty. As we know, just like slop, loyalty is a four-letter word in the Big Brother house. Shane is so ridiculously loyal to Danielle that by the transitive property he also seems to be automatically, unabashedly loyal to Dan as well. Does Shane have any clue what the transitive property is? Of course not. But neither do I.

NEXT: Let’s talk Trump. Thankfully, not the Donald.

At this point in the game, Shane holds two, HUGE potential trump cards to pull out against Dan. First, that Dan wanted to evict Ian had Ian not won the last POV and pulled himself off the block. Second, that Dan would have put Shane up had Danielle not convinced Dan to do otherwise. This begs the question fellow BB viewers: Will Shane use one or both of these trump cards to his advantage and make a big move to try to evict Dan? Or will he continue to come up with a new hairstyle for each episode instead? I’d say the jury is out. One thing’s for sure, he better pull something out of his pink tank top pretty darn quick.

It’s likely too little too late for Shane since Ian ended up putting him on the block this week against Jenn “Floater” City. Though in a possible editing moment of foreshadowing, Dan admitted he was stupid for saying anything to Shane about trying to evict Ian during Dan’s short-lived reign as HOH. However, Dan has Dani wrapped around his finger so tightly with their “final two” deal that she isn’t even considering anything other than the fact that she is going to have to vote to evict Shane at some point in the future.

Jenn feels SO ALONE IN THIS GAME. Pissed off at Dan, she refused to speak to him and explained, “he told me one thing and did the other!” At this point, Jenn just makes me laugh.

Going into the HOH Competition, everyone felt Ian was the player that needed to be beat. Lucky for Ian, the game was Big Brother Memory Lane, whereby the houseguests were asked questions about past Big Brother events that occurred during the season. To answer, the players had to know which specific day number the event in question occurred. Then, using a wheel to steer a ball as it rolled down a shoot with sequential numbers, the houseguests deposited their ball in the stall number of the day that the event happened, with one penalty point awarded for each number of days they were off by. The player with the least number of penalty points at the end of the fifth round would be this week’s HOH.

For a quick rant, if I have to hear Jesse scream “Ho ho holy cow I look good” again, I’m going to projectile vomit immediately all over my screen. A request to the BB producers: could we please call in to vote the worst houseguest in BB history who is then evicted from America to live alone, on a far off island, forever? Jesse can be the only nominee. He would certainly get my ten or howevermanyyouget $.99 text message votes even though I’ve yet to ever call in on one of those things. Am I somehow missing Jesse’s appeal other than being the guy we love to hate…or who’s with me to vote him out of America?

After five rounds, it was down to a tiebreaker question between Ian and Shane. At that point, they both looked up to the heavens and prayed to God. Ian then took the competition, edging Shane out by two penalty points, even though they both knew the correct answer to the question about which day number Coach Janelle had been evicted (Day 34).

After balling on the playing field, Ian exclaimed in the DR, “I can’t believe that I actually got to the final four on Big Brother. This is a dream come true.” Then he said, “Thank you to my parents for sitting me in front of the television at age ten and never letting me miss an episode of Big Brother or any other TV show for that matter in eleven years. I am truly the product of watching endless hours of television. I love you, Mom and Dad.”

NEXT: Love, Tears and Tissue

With Ian in power, no one felt safe. The other Quack Packers knew that the time had come for one of them to go up this week. Dan pled to Ian’s innermost nostalgia, citing “You know its Renegades, death before dishonor.”

But Ian had one more choice to make before nominations. And her name was Pandora’s Box. With Ian’s game on fire, the powers that be apparently thought it would be fun to see just how much luck Ian truly believed he had. And apparently Ian thought he still had a lot of luck.

After being shown a picture of his parents with the option to receive a “message of love” along with a consequence should he open Pandora’s Box, Ian tempted fate and went for the love message. As it turned out, the “message of love” wasn’t from Ian’s parents, but instead from another ghost of houseguests past, Rachel Reilly from BB seasons 12 & 13. I certainly felt for Ian when he said, “I’m going to vomit.” I’m fairly sure that in some foreign countries, Rachel’s laugh would be grounds for vocal chord removal.

While Ian was on his “bad date,” each of the other houseguests sat in the living room and received a video “message of love” from a loved one. The tears flowed like wine for Shane, Jenn and Danielle. Even Dan, who “prides [himself] on controlling [his] emotions” couldn’t help but cry when his wife Chelsea came on the screen. My favorite moment came when Shane barely managed to spit out his request to, “Get more tissues.”

At the nomination ceremony, Ian played it safe and put up Jenn and Shane for eviction. Shane continued to forget that he was in the Big Brother house and in fact playing a game, justifying his nomination as “a pawn of the Quack Pack,” while Danielle voiced the inevitable: “I am terrified that Shane’s on the block because I know Dan wants me to vote Shane out. I will be so upset if I have to vote Shane out. Oh my gosh, I’ll feel like one of the worst people in this house.” OMG.

At this point, this season seems to be shaping up as a race between Dan and Ian. Dan keeps pulling the strings that he put in place after making several “final two” deals, in addition to his many other real and bogus alliances, whereby Ian continues to win competitions and dominate the house with his mental game. Between Ian and Dan, who will go home (if either) first?

Dan went for and blew his shot at taking out Ian during his reign as HOH, falling short when Ian came up winning the POV. Given Dan has openly stated that his only loyalty is to his wife, Chelsea (“Make me a steak dinner. That’s on you now.”), Ian still seems to have just a bit more loyalty to Dan in him, which may fair to Dan’s advantage. Though, with Ian in power this week, there’s a chance Shane may rat Dan out for wanting to get rid of Ian. If so, I’d expect Ian to do everything in his power to send Dan packing. As Ian said in the nomination ceremony, “the veto is really what counts.”

Dan still thinks he is running the ship: “This time I talked Ian into not putting me up so he could put Shane up so I could take my final shot at the kid from Vermont.” I guess we shall see about that one, Coach Dan. You’ve certainly made a lot of big moves and one of them might just come back to bite you in the keister here before too long.

What do we think, BB fans…will it come down to Dan and Ian in the final two? If so, who would win? Who, if anyone, will make a move first to try to evict Dan or Ian? Will Shane go home this week and or will he somehow be able to take himself off the block? What are Jenn “Floater” City’s odds to make it past this week? Does Danielle have a shot at going to the final two with Dan or will Dan pull another move that accidentally sends her home? Who is Dan the most loyal to in his superior non-loyalty?

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Big Brother

Julie Chen hosts as the houseguests battle it out.

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