The houseguests ran the emotional gamut from tears to rage and... well... whatever emotion Lawon is always feeling.

By Lanford Beard
Updated August 08, 2011 at 07:01 AM EDT
Credit: Lewis Jacobs/NBC
S13 E14

Wah, wah, wah. Everyone was crying this week. Crying under blankets. Crying behind horn-rimmed glasses. Crying at pictures from home. Crying on purple couches… The list goes on and on. As Darren noted Wednesday, clearly the psychological stress of this much boredom is starting to eat up the houseguests from within.

Perhaps most notably in Rachel’s delusions of grandeur that she is some sort of military dictator. Twice during tonight’s show, she mentioned being at war with someone (first Daniele, then Kalia). As much as I love the sound of the name “Generalissimo Rachel,” she gave herself a little too much credit there, don’t you think? Being a warlord implies that you have some sort of power, and Rachel couldn’t have been farther from the sphere of influence this episode. Not helped by the fact that she spent essentially the first half of the episode curled up in the fetal position. And what was up with that ridiculous attempt at psychological warfare against Daniele right before the nomination ceremony? To Rachel, apparently war means just being really annoying. So every day is war for her then, I guess.

Also steadily losing any shot at that money was Porsche. Jorff and Rachel immediately turned on poor Porsche for foolishly pitting Jeff and Shelly against each other in the HoH competition. She immediately scampered over to apologize for her slip-up, making it all the more clear how useless she is to anyone in the game right now. It reeked of desperation, and her rationalization that it would probably end up keeping her safe for another week was pear-shaped. Honey, the only reason you’re still here is because no one can muster the energy to care.

NEXT: Kalia-in’ me softly…

Kalia had a strange episode. From the strange, solo pantry dance at her HoH win to the breakdown at seeing photos of her family photos (those were some histrionics!), she seemed just as emotionally volatile as Rachel in some respects. Though Rachel at least has conviction. When she wasn’t sleeping or sequestering herself in her HoH room, Kalia seemed more confused than anything by the onslaught of deal brokering and threats coming her way. Were you embarrassed for her at how ill-prepared she seemed to be for her HoH win? Do you think she ever seriously considered Rachel’s offer? (Don’t even get me started on that nonsense respect speech.) Did/does her reliance on Daniele make you nervous?

Kalia ultimately stuck to her guns and preserved her alliance with Daniele, putting Rachel and Jeff on the block. Do you think this is going to backfire, as Jorff predicted? Notwithstanding the POV challenge, Kalia and Daniele’s game plan seems to be entirely too prone to fits and starts. Daniele can repeat her mantra (“We’re risk takers”) all she wants, but it was utterly predictable and probably not that smart to carry on with this anti-vet offensive. Not to mention that, as much as they’re hoping to slowly win over the newbies, it certainly didn’t seem to be happening tonight. Surely there was a more dynamic move to be made?

Speaking of Jordan’s righteous indignation, man that was a sight to behold! Behind the thick accents, the good looks, and the charm, there was some serious anger in that teeny little body. Anger that I might add was a tad hypocritical, no? The exact same targeting would be happening in the opposite direction if one of her alliance had won HoH, so to have gotten this worked up over Daniele and Kalia’s strategy seemed a little sore loser-y. Especially when Rachel accused Kalia of being a puppet and Jordan claimed that “everyone else [beside her, Jeff, and Rachel] is hypnotized and just follows Dani.” Were they not following you two weeks ago? Were they “hypnotized” puppets, too? Or just smart? There’s the rub.

NEXT: Giving new meaning to the idea of a mocktail.

So there were no MVPs this week. There was way too much crying for that. But I can confidently say that everyone who had to participate in this week’s Have/Have Not competition was the biggest loser. Long story short, two people faced off, preparing a smoothie of various revolting ingredients (more on that in a minute) for his/her competitor. Whoever guessed the most ingredients correctly won. In the event of a tie, it was a chug-off.

Now, witness the list of “cocktails” that were consumed: For Jeff — potato chips, corned beef hash, and creamed corn; for Lawon — applesauce, scrambled eggs, and gorgonzola. Jeff won on his chugging ability, which you never would have guessed, right? Porsche proved to be as slow-witted as ever, first admitting she didn’t know the taste of onions when preparing a carrot, sweet potato, and cocktail onion smoothie for Shelly, then getting a bright red drink and not immediately guessing beets; for her part, Shelly (who blended beets, dill pickles, and jalapeños for Porsche) also biffed her chance to win by only guessing one ingredient correctly, even though Jeff basically told her one of the ingredients in her cocktail. Porsche took that round.

It all came down Jordan and Daniele. Jordan had to identify sauerkraut, horseradish, and applesauce; Daniele was given a blend of liverwurst, spray cheese, and creamed corn. Unlike her boyfriend, Jordan is no expert chugger, so Daniele won. Haves: Daniele, Porsche, Lawon, and Adam. Have Nots: Jordan, Jeff, Shelly, and Rachel. Cue the waterworks from Jordan, especially when they learned that their menu for the week consisted of catfish and coconut.

So, questions to ponder? What to make of the do-nothings of the house? Jordan finally singled out Porsche and Lawon for their coasting. And what of super-floater Shelly? Are her days numbered? Are Rachel and Jeff’s nominations progress or a misstep? Did Kalia sign her own hit with her failed attempt at transparency? If Jeff or Brendon returns to the house, will it be back to square one for vets versus newbies?

Episode Recaps

Big Brother

Julie Chen hosts as the houseguests battle it out.

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