When a siren sounds, all of the couples are split up, prolonging this unpleasant season further, and Allison gets voted off twice

By Lynette Rice
Updated March 06, 2008 at 05:00 AM EST

”Big Brother” recap: Sudden death

My EW colleagues and I all had a few theories about what that exasperating siren would mean to the game and this trashy cast. Dalton Ross, for instance, figured it was another shameless cross-promotion for Jericho, while I thought (hoped?) it would be a wakeup call to evacuate the house — for good! Seems I wasn’t alone in thinking it was the Big Brother death knell. Look what a poster named Mole had to say on Wednesday: ”That new alarm sound that is the twist sure sounds like the executives hitting the panic button as the ratings continue to dive.”

Alas, the show remains alive and kicking. In fact, the twist turned out to be exactly what many of us predicted in that first week: that CBS would eventually break up the couples so that only one person would be evicted per week and this pathetic ol’ beater would make it to the finish line in May. Clearly, most of the male houseguests couldn’t have been more pleased with this development (we get it, Matty — you’re sick of sleeping with the Beaver State gal), but the real person to watch was Allison, who had to realize this twist would only offer her a temporary stay of execution. Face it, sister — Joshuah made you his primary target, and no amount of campaigning (or crying, or additional lying) was going to save you from walking out the door. I gotta admit Allison was rather sympathetic early on; she got stuck with the guy who was already aligned with another airhead, to say nothing of that whole Epi-Pen incident. But rather than use Jen’s deceitfulness to her full advantage by presenting herself as the innocent victim, Allison responded by spreading a crazy story of her own about being Sheila’s longtime lover. Though Joshuah should have been offended by her actions, did he really have to unleash the hounds of hell on her? He treated Allison like a hatemonger, but he gave Sheila — who participated just as happily and willingly in the ruse — a free pass. I was astonished to see Joshuah go off on Allison while the cougar sat quietly by. It makes me think Joshuah wasn’t that offended by the so-called joke and was just looking for someone to revile — and Allison was just as good as anybody. Oh sure, she might have forced Sharon and Joshuah to change their vote the previous week, but at least she kept her clothes on and decided not to participate in that repulsive mackfest the week before. Give girlfriend some credit for that.

NEXT: Degrees of obnoxiousness

So one of the least obnoxious members of the house is now in sequester, where one lucky guy is about to learn that America will soon send him back to the house. And when I say guy, I mean Parker, because — like Janelle and Kaysar before him — he seems the most obvious choice for a second chance. I’m down with that. Parker got a raw deal when he was forced to leave because of Jen’s sins, and I want to hear more from the paparazzo with the bitchin’ hair. I imagine he’ll be immune from eviction during his first week back, though I doubt he’ll be Ryan’s target now that Matt has proved that he can’t be trusted. It was brilliant seeing James call Matt out for playing both Adam and Ryan, but it’s Matt’s loutish behavior that should really be outed by the other HGs. God, that Neanderthal is trying my patience. I know Natalie is a tragic hanger-on and desperate for love, but why doesn’t Matt just flat out say he doesn’t want her rather than pussyfoot around the truth with incoherent lines like ”If I’m being particularly mean to you, it’s not because I’m being particularly mean to you.” What the hell? This crap about being friends is not working, either, and only makes him seem like an obnoxious pig who’s reserving the right to diddle her later. Honestly, he makes that Dick from BB8 look like an honest-to-goodness gentleman.

I wish I could feign more interest in the upcoming nomination ceremony, but right now I’m just plain bored, man. Your comments are far more interesting than anything Sheila and Adam have to say, anyway. Take this one from Richard M: ”I miss the days when Big Brother was about big and interesting personalities who brought a variety of perspectives and fun to the game. Where’s the fun this time around?”

How ’bout we start by making fun of the people on the show? I’ve got a hankering to take apart the Chenbot’s distracting choice of attire last night. But I’ll leave the mockery to you. What do you think of the new — and rather predictable — twist? Do you think it would be more interesting if someone other than Parker returned to the house? And who is your least favorite player? Let’s rank ’em and predict their odds of winning next week. Until then, keep the spoilers coming! Anything’s better than watching YouTube clips of James’ gay porn days.

Episode Recaps

Big Brother

Big Brother

Julie Chen hosts as the houseguests battle it out.

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