Big Brother recap: Girls Gone Wild, Then Wobbly
After Natalie and Chelsia bare nearly all in a hot-tub party, Allison and Amanda collapse -- and, oh, yeah, Amanda and Alex get evicted
What a horrifying week in the Big Brother house — and I’m not just talking about Sunday’s nontelevised re-enactment of Caligula. (We’ll get to that later.) Allison’s beeline to the diary room Tuesday was certainly an unexpected development. Did she want to quit? Was she hoping the producers would punish Sheila for her incessant yapping? Was she going to beg for the construction of an Olympic track in the BB backyard? Then I started hearing Allison’s plaintive wail about wanting an EpiPen and realized this chick was in some serious trouble. Nobody asks for an EpiPen unless they’re — well, I actually had no idea why anybody asks for an EpiPen until I WebMD’d it the following morning. Turns out if you have a history of allergic reactions — and serious fear of going into anaphylactic shock — you should request a shot of epinephrine. And that was only the beginning of this special ER edition of BB! Minutes later, Amanda was halfheartedly filing her acrylic nails while inquiring about Natalie’s confectionary delight when — bam! — Bueno Babe was out cold on the floor. To say that I was immediately consumed with fear and anxiety would be…a flat-out lie. I honestly thought Amanda was faking! When she started complaining about being hypoglycemic, my first reaction was ”You just hate the slop, beeyotch!” So I naturally assumed Amanda was trying to gain sympathy with a faux collapse so Natalie would relinquish her cookie.
Guess I was wrong. After multiple viewings of the broadcast, it appeared that Amanda did display the classic signs of moderate to severe hypoglycemia: irritability, trouble walking, loss of consciousness, seizures, and a serious aversion to shorts that cover her ass. Nurse Whats-Her-Name took a break from treating Allison’s dreadful case of the bloats to heap even more attention on Amanda, calling in not one but three medics to treat this mess of a gal. Thank God producer Allison Grodner saw fit to call in the pros — to say nothing of the relief that Alex must have felt (albeit fleetingly) to finally be rid of the woman who was single-handedly responsible for his not-so-surprising nomination.
But then…what’s this? They’re back? They’re actually back? I wasn’t entirely surprised by the return of Amanda, who’s starved not so much for sugar as for attention. But that poor, puffed-up, glad-to-be-alive Allison? Only when I launched a medical investigation of my own (thanks, Mom!) did I figure out that Allison must have felt comfortable enough about the origin of her allergic reaction (exercise induced, maybe?) that she didn’t consider the BB house to actually be a threat. So I guess I’ll have to see this incongruous medical time-out as nothing more than an opportune moment to bring a little kumbaya back into the house.
Yeah, for like a second! The compassion for Amanda’s fainting spell obviously didn’t last long, as she and Alex were drop-kicked last night by a unanimous vote. Makes me wonder whether Amanda might have saved herself had she chosen to slather whipped cream all over her chest so Chelsia could lick it off.
NEXT: The hot-tub orgy
Which brings me back to the houseguests’ sordid behavior on Oscar night. The point of this column is to reflect on the CBS broadcast only, but I’d be derelict not to reference the soft-core porn, a.k.a. scenes from the house, that are currently streaming on sites like jokersupdates.com and dlisted.com.
I think many of you posters acknowledged the record speed with which Natalie behaved badly under the covers with Matt during the show’s first week, but that alcohol-soaked bacchanal on Sunday night really took the cake (if not downright demanded that this den of iniquity undergo a high-pressure wash of Massengill once it’s finally vacated this spring). Somewhere, a small-town Iowa mom is crying over the waterlogged orgy — but even that isn’t quite as depressing as the sight of an inebriated Natalie groping madly to kiss Matt, who preferred to swap spit with Sharon and Chelsia instead. ”That woman Natalie is the most sadly needy person I’ve seen in a long time,” EW’s Josh Wolk said in an e-mail to me after the telecast. ”That’s exactly the kind of person who ends up going into porn, and weeps into the mirror saying, ‘Love me, Daddy!’ as she cleans off her smeared makeup.” It’s really too disgusting to discuss any further, though shame on the Chenbot for not making so much as a joke about the sex-charged circus in last night’s telecast. Sadly, we won’t be able to gather any more intel about it from Alex and Amanda, because the Eye is continuing to sequester the HGs until further notice. Damn!
I don’t have much more in me to say after a week like that, though I must admit I’ve grown fond of the straight-talking James, who pretty much told Alex and Matt to bring it when the two were whining about their nomination. The dude is fearless, as witnessed by the full frontal nudity he displayed on Sunday night and the prompt attention he gave to Amanda during her fainting spell. If only he’d keep it platonic with Chelsia and give up on the idiotic code names like Operation Condor and Operation Bro-Down. (No one will top Nakomis’ Six-Finger Plan — ever!) But I’ve decided he’s my pick to win, if Joshuah and Sharon don’t target him on Sunday. But my guess is they will, as James is obviously the sharpest tool in the drawer. Then again, the aptitude threshold is pretty freaking low in this house, when you’ve got Natalie saying things like ”triathaloning” and Matt opining about how ”cups are a very essential part of life, you know. We use them for drinking and whatnot.”
So what do you think? Was it smart to send Amanda and Alex home? Do you think Allison blew it by admitting her lesbian relationship with Sheila was a joke? If you weren’t already turned off by this cast, did Sunday’s wingding make you want to abandon the show — and scour yourself with antibacterial soap?