Big Brother recap: Three Men and a Maybe
A trio of colorful and kooky men head to the finale, but which one is worthy of the prize?
Riddle me this, readers: What does it mean when the jury house has more action and drama than the Big Brother house? Seriously. How. Did. This. Happen?
Take a moment to shake off the shock of being Big Brother bitch slapped because it has been aweird season. Now take a deep breath and accept the fact that at this time next week, Lane, Hayden, or Enzo will be walking around in this world a half million dollars richer. I know, God help us all.
As if we needed further proof that this game has turned into three apes fighting for a $500,000 banana, Big Brother stuck the finalists on swinging ropes and slammed them into walls this week for the first part of a three-part HOH competition. Enzo put most of his energy into chattering. ”Meow meeeoooowww!” he yelled…for all of 19 minutes before falling off. Surprised? Me neither. He, of course, bemoaned his defeat, but I’m sure his squished boys downstairs celebrated in glee.
Hayden and Lane battled it out for over two-and-a-half hours (while Enzo went inside to make soup and pizza). Lane compared the challenge to a Texas bar fight: “You get slammed from wall to wall to wall. People pour alcohol and water on your head, and you wake up the next morning and your testicles hurt.” This could be your winner this year, folks. A man with the build of the Brawny man and the brain of Beverly Hillbilly. What a season!
In all seriousness, of all the competitions we’ve seen this season, this one looked the most brutal-looking and was one mildly poisonous animal away from being one of those Japanese game shows that harms contestants to amuse the audience. Which is to say, of course: Haven’t the comps been great this season!?
By the end of part one, Hayden was king of the jungle.
In another jungle known as Jersey, we visited the adorable famiglia di Enzo, who were in full cooking mode and made me realize why Enzo had complained earlier this season about missing his home cooking. I would, too! Feasting aside, Enzo’s ”wifey” was a patient-looking woman, who complained not of her husband’s poor performance but instead joked about not having laugh lines before she was married to him. It was the most charming inside look at a contestant’s home life that we’ve seen this season. You couldn’t help but feel a pang of sympathy for the guy as his wife talked about him working two full-time jobs and still managing to spend a lot of time with his daughter, being a hands-on dad. Enzo’s mom confessed that he’s never been the brightest bulb, but looking at his family, it seems like Enzo’s gotten through life much like how he’s gotten through Big Brother: making the best of what he had to offer. Did anyone else find this all endearing? Because I gotta say, Enzo, I still don’t think you’ve pulled your weight, but me and yous, we a’ight.
Next: Back in the jury house, everything was far from a’ight…
In a secure location (somewhere on Area 51, I’m sure) the jury awaited the next evicted houseguest’s arrival…by painting. Pause for audience confusion.
And as happy as Ragan was to see Matt again (”There another showmance in the jury house!”), Matt was less-than-thrilled to see him because he wasn’t looking forward to coming clean about his giant, soul-killing lie regarding his wife’s health.
When it came time to confess, Matt took Ragan outside for privacy to break the news, while the rest (namely Rachel) waited by the door like children waiting to hear their sibling get scolded. Their conversation didn’t go well, but it certainly wasn’t as catastrophic as last week when Matt revealed his secret to Kathy, Brendon, and Rachel. Still, Matt’s apology to Ragan was awkward and seemed somewhat forced. Was Matt being smug? Was he embarrassed/uncomfortable? Did he eat a bad burrito? Who knows. As for Ragan, all he could see was betrayal, a lie he’d shed tears over, and a sadness of Charlie Brown proportions. Good grief.
To add salt and red hair dye to Ragan’s open wound, Rachel came out shortly after and all-but challenged him to duel. Well, to be fair it didn’t start that way. After Ragan revealed that he was a professor of communication, Rachel asked if he thought his insight in communication helped him in the game. It spurred a genuine conversation about everyone’s approach to the game. But it snowballed from there into a rolling avalanche of poorly enunciated insults and half-thoughts, mostly a result of Rachel’s interruptions of Kanye proportion.
There were several opportunities to prevent the Level 5 meltdown that was approaching, but none of them stuck. When Ragan accused Rachel of being the cause of all the arguments in the house, it was like being a watchman on the Titanic. Iceberg, right ahead! But nothing could be done. It was too late. Rachel’s defensiveness and Ragan’s condescending tone caused the monstrous blow up from a few weeks back, and the same happened in the jury house.
Ragan: ”You’re right. The problem was with everyone else and not you. It was just magic that when you left the house that people stopped arguing.”
Rachel: ”Funny how there’s never been a fight in the jury house until you got here.”
In the end, they both grabbed their tiaras and stormed off. We are so over them.…NOT. MORE! MORE!
Back at the game (Yes, that ole thing!), it was time for round two.
The Beast vs. Meow Meow. That doesn’t even sound fair…
In round two, it was Lane against Enzo. And while a simple shoe-tying contest or 50-piece kiddie puzzle probably would have sufficed, the boys were asked to correctly identify the two former houseguests in five “Frankensteined” photos. I suspect this was a challenge for both of them, considering Lane never looked above most of the female contestants’ chest area and Enzo wore sunglasses outdoors AND indoors for 98 percent of the summer.
Surprisingly, both men correctly matched up the names with each poster, but Lane completed his task in 1:13 seconds, 30 seconds faster than Enzo.
The final part of the HOH competition, which will pit Lane against Hayden, will take place next Wednesday. The winner of that competition will win HOH and decide who goes with them to the finale. The live vote will also take place. Sunday’s episode will be footage we haven’t seen from this season.
Holy crap. There are two episodes left. Where has the time gone? Wait, forget I asked. I don’t want to know.
But here’s what I DO want to know: What’s on your mind as we approach the finale? Who do you think will be in the final two? Who are you voting for America’s Choice? And, here’s the big plastic wiener of a question: Who has the best chance of winning Big Brother when it comes time to vote?
So many questions! And we’ll have answers soon enough. Until then, stick around EW.com for a ton ofBig Brother-related awesomeness. Julie Chen’s blog is this-a-way. For the very latest, follow me on Twitter (@EWSandraG).