The season's most polarizing romantic pair gets split up, and the one left standing prepares for revenge

By Sandra Gonzalez
Updated August 14, 2010 at 12:42 AM EDT
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Credit: Sonja Flemmimg/CBS
S12 E16
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You have to admit that Rachel held her own in the Big Brother house. Sometimes, she even fought harder than that ”man” of hers. We have to respect her for at least that, right?

Well, not really. You don’t have to do anything, but perhaps we simply should. Maybe we should briefly forget her diary room confessions that left us all thinking, what the f— is wrong with my TV volume?!?. Maybe we should forgive the fact that she always referred to Brendon as ”her man,” the greatest crime not being her repetitiveness but rather her reference to that yutz as a ”man.” And just maybe we can let it go that she sometimes forgot to wear primetime-proper clothing. And why should we do all this? Well, because she was kind of a hoot.

Yes, Rachel’s gone, and like many of you (maybe?), I’m not sure what to feel. I don’t know whether to celebrate with some tequilllaaaa or cry (without actually producing tears, of course). I’ve come to the conclusion that she was a good, interesting competitor, but my sanity takes precedence. My tolerance for annoying people on television was reaching its limit. A person can only take so much strain three nights a week before they get hauled away by burly men in white.

Speaking of being committed, who knows what Rachel’s absence will do to poor, emotional Brendon. I half expected him to have a Falling Down-style meltdown in the middle of the HOH competition, which is now over and you can spoil for yourself here.

After all, he did try with every fiber of his freakishly hairless body to get Rachel to stay in the house, and all in the name of [swallows bile] love. ”If giving up a half million dollar for someone you love makes you an idiot, I guess I’m an idiot,” said the idiot. Sure, if Rachel and Brendon get married, have gaggle of little red-headed swimmers (merbabies?), I’ll eat my words. I just wouldn’t go preparing my place setting quite yet. That’s all I’m sayin’

If anyone in the house would agree with my skepticism about their relationship, it would probably be Britney, who told Rachel that Brendon hates women. She based this argument on the fact that he’s targeted only women in the game. Nice one, Brit. That kind of twisted logic will help you take people out of this game — and possibly get you elected to a number of political offices in the future.

Speaking of future careers, acting shouldn’t be one of Rachel’s. Was that scrunchy-faced look an attempt at crying, or was your Botox-starved face just getting used to movement again? Don’t worry; you’re out of the Big Brother house now. Nothing a shot won’t fix. Wait! Do dermatologists make home visits to the jury house? The drama never ends!

Next: No, seriously. It NEVER ends.

Still fuming over Brendon calling her a ”spoiled brat,” Britney took her cause to the Brigade, which is still lurking around undetected, like a venereal disease on a hot guy. The Brigade doesn’t have any hot guys (in my opinion), but itdoes have men so self-congratulating that you’d think they poop gold bars. With Rachel out, I’m hoping we see the other houseguests shift their attention toward disbanding this astoundingly inadequate group of people who seemed to have formed a decent alliance. Of course, the other people in the house would have to figure out it exists first…

Here’s what the Brigade is doing right: Matt has everyone believing he’s in an alliance with Ragan. And I have to admit, they appear to be genuinely friends. (Did I just use a form of the word genuine in a Big Brother recap!? Shoot me.) Lane and Britney have a little somethin’ somethin’ going on. And HAYDEN publicly lost his other half last week. Enzo seems to be the only lone kitty right now. This definitely will hurt him in the future and makes him one of the weaker members of the Brigade. That and he hasn’t won a damn thing — nor does he try. He just sits there.

We learned in this episode that sitting idle is safe thanks to Britney and Ragan’s hammock confrontation with Rachel. Ragan called her theatrical and a bad sport, which made her cry and stomp off, making his point. When a gay man calls you theatrical you’re either (1) an uber talented person or (2) a drama factory (in a not good way). This being Rachel, she took it (rightfully so) as No. 2.

In the mind of Brendon, where the world works in a special (and simple) way, he took this as an attack and stomped to the hammock to confront Britney and Ragan. At this point in the episode, the other houseguests had called a ”Neanderthal” a few times, which I giggled at but didn’t pay too much attention to. But seeing him stomp over to them in rage made me want to throw an animal skin across his shoulder and hand him a club. What a bully.

The thought that Rachel finds him attractive baffles me. What baffled me even more was that this isn’t a display he’s been putting on for the house. He’s like this in real life! Well, at least that’s according to his ex-fiancee, who based on that beach footage and plastic-looking home might live in a ’90s teen sitcom. They dated for two years and were engaged for six months. In that time, she claims, he was dramatic and emotional. Not much news there, but the part of me that was really hoping the hot guy wasn’t crazy just died of disappointment.

Also disappointing? Saboteur 2.0. After Annie was voted out, we were relatively indifferent about the loss of the Saboteur. Then, we got a second chance to have one; again we were indifferent but went with it and voted for a new Sabo. Now, the best we get is a measly five-minute shake-up in the house and a little smug giggling from the happy couple? Pfft.

Moving on (because I refuse to expel any more energy on the concept of the Saboteur — that sentence doesn’t count), at their final speeches, Brendon and Rachel took the opportunity to declare their love because THIS WAS ALL NEW INFORMATION TO US. Me = bored. Well, I was bored. Until Brendon compared their situation to the Salem witch trials because they were ”being persecuted for being who we are.” This gave me an idea for a BB twist I could get behind, but I won’t get into that. Let’s just say it involves Julie Chen saying the line, ”By a vote of 6 to 0, you have been evicted from the Big Brother house. Please gather your things and head for the stocks.”

Speaking of voting, Rachel was evicted 6 to 0. Based on that, I’d call Brendon’s Save Rachel campaign an epic fail. In the event of her eviction, I pre-wrote a farewell message:

Rachel, it’s sad to see you go. The house — and certainly this recap — won’t be the same without the copious amount of mockable material you provided every week. BB-esque fade out/fade in transitionWhat can I say? You dug your own grave with a clear, plastic stiletto. No one can deny you played a solid game, but should there be an All-Stars season in the future, I implore you to keep your mind on the game instead of on ”your man.” I’ll think of you every time I see a red crayon, hear a hyena cackle, and see the cover of one of those science-themed porn movies. Best of luck, and thanks for the laughs.

In the houseguests’ messages, Matt’s comments prompted me to add misogynistic to the reasons why I hate him, Enzo meowed, Britney mocked Rachel’s hair extensions and Rachel still didn’t get it, HAYDEN was kinda nice, and Brendon swore revenge creepily.

Did he get it? You’ll have to tune in next Sunday to see. As last night’s episode ended, it appeared to be a tight race in a competition that seemed tailored to Lane. C’mon, it involved mud and chickens; BB was practically handing him the HOH on a plate. Then they had to go and complicate the game for him with things like knots. Good going.

Meanwhile, tell me what you thought of the episode. Will Las Vegas ever recover from the embarrassment Rachel has caused them (”I AM Vegas!”)? What do you think of Rachel possibly returning to the house (per Julie’s tease)? Are Brendon and Rachel 4 EVA (sorry, that seemed fitting)? Did you think someone as dainty as Britney was capable of imitating a Neanderthal walk so convincingly?

Also, be sure to check out Julie Chen’s blog and keep an eye out for our exit interview with Rachel. And for more Big Brother banter, follow me on Twitter.

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Big Brother

Julie Chen hosts as the houseguests battle it out.

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