Big Brother recap: Bombs Away, Oy Vey!
The house is put into unrest after a secret pairing is revealed and secrets come out
Readers, this season of Big Brother is turning into the Summer of Sausage.
That’s right, another lady exited the house this week, meaning the women are now outnumbered 2 to 1. Not that I mind all that much, but we’ve seen a lot of girls take the fall while a viable all-male alliance sits (rather idly, I might mention) right underneath everyone’s nose!
Kristen came close to exposing the Brigade this week, but right as she was hot on their trail, she was voted out. Meaning, of course, The Animal got to stay in the house. I’m talking about HAYDEN, the Brigade member, not the Muppet. Don’t worry; I get them confused, too.
It was obvious to most after the veto ceremony that Britney had been convinced by Rachel not to use the veto. As Kathy aptly observed, ”She’s playing with the devil.” I think that’s a bit harsh. Poison Ivy, maybe, but the devil? Hmm.. then again, you don’t want to underestimate what a woman is capable of if someone ”messes with their man.”
Kristen was torn up by the idea that she’d have to campaign against HAYDEN because he was someone she ”had formed a bond with.” Thankfully, it appears she has no problem forming bonds, considering she had a pre-BB boyfriend waiting for her back home. Well, he was waiting, but more on that later.
Outside, Brendon and Rachel were quick to assure HAYDEN that he was safe this week. Well, as safe as someone on the block can be, but that was good enough for him. ”I just need to sit tight and keep my mouth shut,” he said in the diary room, whilst once again unconsciously (?) giving himself a man-boob massage with his thumbs.
Meanwhile, Britney continued her Save Lane campaign (although Lane was in no direct danger in this episode). I initially thought she should have saved those cards for later, but then I saw what she did. She told Enzo about Rachel’s plan to replace HAYDEN with Lane on the block had she used the veto. This angered Kitty, I mean Meow-Meow. ”They better grow eyes on the back of their heads because the Brigade’s coming after them,” he threatened. I’ve learned this the hard way, Enz, don’t give science nerds unnatural ideas. It always ends in disaster. Just look at what Rachel does with a simple box of hair dye. Kidding!
Speaking of Rachel’s head, Kristen wanted to ”rip it off” after Britney told them the truth behind her decision not to use the veto. It was a brilliant move on Britney’s part to tell the tale to anyone with an ear. Not only does she have Rachel and Brendon’s trust because she kept the nominations the same, but she has the others feeling sympathy for her situation. Uhm, awesome?
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong about a person. I wasn’t a huge Britney fan in the beginning, but she’s turned into a good player, one that could in coming weeks have a spot in both of the house’s strongest alliances. Did you see that coming? I sure as heck didn’t, y’all!
”Floaters get a life veeessssssst”
Back in room where Muppets and hippies collided, tears were being shed. ”Looking at Hayden is really hard,” she said. I know, sweetie, but he can cut his hair. It’ll be ok… Oh, wait! There was more…”because I know that I have the option of fighting for myself, which I want to do because I don’t want to go home. Having to be against him is really, really hard.”
HAYDEN tried to comfort her by saying she should campaign. This did little to make her feel better, but it did raise a flag. (FINALLY!) She started to wonder why he was so confident and pushing her to campaign while he did none of his own.
She later brought these concerns to Ragan, who largely dismissed the Brigade’s connection as a friendship. Though, he did admit that if it was an alliance, his shelf life was ”very limited” Uhm…think more like discount store canned tuna, Ragan.
When Kristen presented the idea of a possible Bro-liance to Britney, she seemed to succeed in planting a seed of uncertainty. Britney didn’t like the idea of being one of the sole females left in the house ,and their conversation had seemed to earn Kristen one more vote. It didn’t, of course.
The final move in Kristen’s Cling to Dear Life Plan was to go to the belly of the beast: Brendon. Despite her effort to paint him as an outsider from the pack of guys, she didn’t succeed in swaying him. I think she definitely took the wrong approach with Brendon. A man with that pecs has no idea what it’s like to be an outsider. If he was mentally able to compute the meaning of the word, he would have understood Kristen’s very valid point. But it could also be that he’s denser than a slice of week-old lemon pound cake. You decide.
I’m peeved no one took her seriously. I suppose they were waiting for solid evidence, but part of me thinks four personalized Haynes t-shirts with the words “We are the Brigade” plaster on the front wouldn’t have even done the job. They just wanted her out. Hey, at least she tried.
While all the strategy was going on, there was a show in progress in the HOH room, courtesy of Britney and Matt. It can only be described as a Las Vegas-quality impression of a Las Vegas cocktail waitress, complete with red clip-on hair extensions and catch phrases. Yes, it was as good as it sounds and the best three minutes of the season so far.
To top it off, Rachel walked into the room. Britney was stunned…until Rachel started laughing because she found it “huh-larious.” Turns out she was flattered by it all. “The highest form of flattery is totallymaking fun of someone,” she said. So that’s how that’s how the phrase goes! I supposed that makes her a freaking deity. Britney, like the rest of us, was stunned by Rachel’s cluelessness.
Stay groovy, Kristen.
In this week’s awkward conversations with Julie Chen, we were forced to relive the homo-erotic wonder that was this week’s luxury competition and listen to Britney talk about Ragan’s gaseous ways. Ragan was none too happy about thisairing of his personal business, responding, ”I would say that every fart has come from Britney’s legs.” As expected, that’s when Chenbot pressed abort on the conversation.
In other malodorous news, those of you who thought something didn’t smell right about Kristen and HAYDEN’s relationship were absolutely right. No, they aren’t siblings (Come on, now, people! See decency limits referenced above.). This week we met a man who claimed to have been dating Kristen for two months before she left for the house. But despite agreeing to remain a couple while she went on the show, he saw her fling with HAYDEN unfold before his eyes (in night vision!). ”I don’t think much of Hayden. He’s a 24-year-old kid, and I’m a 31-year-old man,” the now-ex said spitefully.
We also met HAYDEN’s mom, who with her son proves we have perfected the art of human cloning. She didn’t think Kristen was being genuine (not that she has to worry about that now) and wanted her son to ”think with the head on his shoulders.” Cue viewers’ uncomfortable shifting as a mom references the male organ. We also learned — by way of HAYDEN’s childhood pictures — that children with mullets are destined to have bad hair forever. The guy couldn’t catch a break this week.
Rachel had a good week, though, as she shared with Julie. One of her enemies was on the block, her next target is Matt, her man beast is still in tow (though the honeymoon is over), and the best way to verbally cue someone that your finished making a point is with uncomfortable laughter. At this point, I think it’s just an honest-to-God nervous tick. At least she doesn’t do HAYDEN’s thumb caressing. That’d be awkward.
In their final speeches to the houseguests, HAYDEN took a subtle jab at Rachel, saying he’d never ”throw somebody under the bus.” Kristen used the opportunity to defend her game. ”I’ve done nothing but play with my heart [Ed note: and HAYDEN’S hair…] since I’ve been here,” she said.
Of course, we all know heart gets you nowhere in Big Brother. So Kristen was sent packing. Kathy was the only houseguest to vote in her favor. Bravo to Kathy for sticking by her friends even when the rest of the house votes the other way. It shows great character and integrity. Now, Kathy, re-read what I wrote about heart.
The houseguests’ farewell messages were loaded this week. Matt pointed out that Kristen fell victim to what he called ”The Curse of the Big Brother Unitard” (which really sounds more like an extremely serious wedgie), Rachel called her a bitch (I thought she didn’t call girls that? Hmm…), Ragan said she fell victim to Rachel’s insecurities (aww…), Kathy cried, Brendon said he thought it was not smart of her to ”make up” that Hayden was in an alliance, and HAYDEN admitted to being in an alliance.
The NEW Saboteur (let’s see if it sticks this time…)
Before the contestants began this week’s HOH competition (a cliffhanger Big Brother purists will have to wait until Sunday to see concluded), we learned that Ragan received the most number of votes and will be offered the position as the new Saboteur. The catch? The HOH must choose to open Pandora’s Box to unleash him and Ragan has to accept the position. Does anyone else feel like we’re playing Bamboozled [/obligatoryFriends’ reference]?
In this week’s HOH battle, the contestants were placed on a spinning paint can and had to hold on for dear life while getting slapped with a giant paint brush. The competition is now over, but I’m not telling. Results here if you’re that curious. Don’t spoil for others, though. Be nice.
So what’s your take? Did the house get rid of the right person? Will you miss Kristen’s high-waisted pants? Sound off below! And remember to look for Julie Chen’s blog later in the day, and follow me on Twitter if you, too, sometimes have nothing better to do. No shame in that.