Chelsia goes a little crazy while facing eviction and guarantees she'll lose the vote; plus, Evel Dick returns for a visit
Big Brother

”Big Brother” recap: Meltdown on the block

Lots to say about the previous week’s episodes, and I find it easier to just break it down night by night. So let’s get cracking:

The nominations It was rather refreshing to watch Adam ruminate about how ”his fun, easy ride was coming to an end” and how he didn’t want to deal with the ”fakeness” and ”phoniness” that comes with being the head of household. Since the celebration that follows the HOH competition can be ridiculously over-the-top and bubbling with bile, it was sorta nice to see someone genuinely conflicted about the newfound responsibility. But I’m glad Baller (seriously, Baller) was finally forced to stop acting like a miserable floater and pick a damn side already — though I’m not entirely convinced he aligned himself with his most favored peeps. His decision to screw with Sheila was a bit of an eyebrow raiser (I’m not that sure I believed him when he told Julie it was all just fun and games), and it’s hard to fathom why he finds Naughty Nasty Natalia more palatable than, say, Squeaky Sharon. Maybe he already saw something in Natty that we’re only now starting to discover: Once the object of her obsession was gone from the house, she would eventually figure out how to play this game and persuade Adam to target James and Chelsia for nomination. Book smart she ain’t: Her fixation on tracking down groups of eight objects throughout the house was almost as dim-witted as her declaring ”D-U-N done!” after the HOH competition and insisting that Alzheimer’s is pronounced ”all-timers.” Still, Natty’s finally got it going on and might actually provide us with something constructive to talk about other than her uncanny resemblance to Cheri Oteri and any random bimbo in the Joe Francis video archives.

The veto ceremony The decision to have that Dick from BB8 bang the pots early in the morning was certainly consistent with his previous stay in the house. I never really addressed it in last summer’s columns, but Dick and his daughter routinely pulled all-nighters, which led to some pretty intense exchanges, to say nothing of that Dick‘s round-the-clock irritability. This assorted crew, in comparison, seems to cherish their sack time — though I really wouldn’t know because I’ve spent virtually no time camped out in front of ShoToo (but more on that later). That said, they certainly enjoyed being roused out of bed by Evel, even though a little bit of me died inside when Sheila was all over him like a cheap suit. (Et tu, woman? You just said in the diary room that you hated him last summer!) And I also found it rather gross when Joshuah tried to suck up to that Dick by describing himself as his gay doppelgänger. But I have to admit, it made me wonder: You guys know more than I do about how Joshuah behaves outside the prime-time telecast (as I said, I’ve completely neglected my ShoToo subscription), but I’d like to think that if his behavior is often so egregious, then we’d see more of it on Sundays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays. Then again, the producers may have learned a lesson by airing a warts-and-all version of that Dick last year; I’m sure they didn’t appreciate the boycotting bulletins from NOW and the angry letters from fans, so maybe they are leaning on the censor button a helluva lot more this season. The question is this, then: Should we celebrate their good judgment or bitch up a storm that we’re getting the censored version of a full-tilt jerk? I do remember one or two of you posting something about Joshuah being warned that he shouldn’t stage a verbal attack on Sheila’s family, so we CBS viewers are obviously not seeing everything. At least the producers aren’t holding back whenever Joshuah goes off half-cocked about being the ”master of the house.” His unabashed arrogance is laughable, though I have to admit warranted; he really should have been the one to go up on the block instead of Sharon when James exercised his veto, but Adam believed that evicting Chelsia would truly hobble James. Bad call, Baller. You shoulda listened to Naughty Nasty Natalia again.

NEXT: Chelsia comes out of her shell

The eviction and HOH competition I hardly found Chelsia’s abrupt decision to attack the Easter eggs to be an act of ”cruelty,” as Sheila would have us believe, but her 11th-hour meltdown was definitely one for the BB history books. Though contestants should never be so stupid as to offer themselves up as a replacement nominee, Sharon apparently foresaw that Chelsia would self-destruct — and girlfriend didn’t disappoint. Her exit speech was a downright knee-slapper, especially that little declaration that she never, ever ”breast-fed” off of any other HG in an attempt to save her butt (I guess licking whipped cream off of Natty’s boobs during that infamous orgy didn’t really count) and that she ”still had her dignity” upon walking out the door (uh, see previous comment). I made sure to type out her genius parting words just so I wouldn’t forget them: ”You guys can all stay. I just wanted to give you all some insight. Adam, get a backbone in this game, you’re playing like a baby! Sheila, you’ve been rode hard! You will be put away wet! Natalie, educate yourself, you need one honey. You’re in dire need of one! Joshuah, you’re crazy! I love you baby. [Whisper whisper whisper to Joshuah; whisper whisper whisper to James.] Ugh! Blow this house up, folks! Blow this house up!” Cringe-worthy, indeed, but at least it gave Julie something substantial to talk about on the couch. Her line of questioning was spot-on, and it definitely satisfied my need to know why James helped to evict Chelsia by a unanimous vote: Chelsia gave him permission. So there you go, folks. Ain’t love grand?

Since I definitely favor James over Ryan and Sharon over Natalie, I would have preferred to see Team Pink Hair win the HOH competition rather than Baller’s Babies — but alas, it wasn’t meant to be. Natalie’s the next person to occupy the second-story bedroom, which means we’ll have to muddle through another excruciating segment featuring pathetic pictures from home — almost as mind-numbing as watching the houseguests watch a friggin’ movie. Gawd, I loathe product placement.

Now back to my neglect of ShoToo. Maybe it’s the time of year, but I haven’t been the least bit interested in hearing what idiotic things Natalie has been saying after hours. It could just be that I’m simply not wired to fully engage with BB in the spring; this has always been a summer show, folks, and there are far more important thoughts occupying my mind right now — like whether Jin is really dead, as those flash-forwards would have us believe, and whether Ozzy’s fellow teammates will finally get wise and vote off his alpha ass. Course there could also be another explanation for my partial apathy. If the Donatos didn’t do serious damage to the Big Brother franchise, then this season’s band of idiots and their waterlogged bacchanal certainly did. What I can’t decide is whether BB can recover from featuring so many bad seeds. Survivor certainly lived to tell the tale after the dreadful Thailand edition, and we’ve already forgotten the painful family edition of The Amazing Race — but both of those shows have enviable (and Emmy-nominated) production values to fall back on. There ain’t nothing fancy about Big Brother: It’s a house with a bunch of a cameras, and it’s hard-pressed to earn so much as a Razzie.

So I ask you, dear fans: Where do you stand today? Will you dutifully return in July after watching these buffoons? Are you such a true fan that you’d be willing to do what that Dick has done and tattoo ”Big Brother” on your shoulder? And do you really think Natalie’s family ”would have absolutely nothing to do with” her if she crushed Easter eggs but would be fine seeing her, say, performing oral sex under the covers on national TV?

Episode Recaps

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Big Brother

Julie Chen hosts as the houseguests battle it out.

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