Big Brother recap: Love Blooms on a Battlefield

Last week, no one in the house trusted Mike Boogie. This week, no one in the house trusts Mike Boogie. The problem is that, for one brief shining moment, roughly half the houses decided that Mike Boogie was a swell guy who absolutely would not throw them into a quicksand ocean at the first opportunity. So Janelle went home, Frank won HoH, and almost immediately, everyone on the Silent Six decided that it was probably not in their best interest to be on the Silent Six. At the beginning of last night’s episode, Britney and Danielle informed Dan that he came thisclose to getting the backdoor backstab. Dan didn’t believe them. He went upstairs and said, “Say, Frank, I’m hearing this kooky rumor that you were planning to backdoor me.” And Frank responded “Well, I sure was considering it!”

Frank explained his reasoning. “I want Dan to hear it from me. I had the opportunity, but I trusted him, and he needs to trust me.” Dan nodded his head and had a good laugh and swore vengeance on Frank. “If I get the opportunity to shank Frank in this game, I’m gonna do it,” announced Dan. Operation Shank Frank is now in effect. Nothing will stop Dan from getting Frank out of this game. Unless, I dunno, Boogie slithers up to Dan one day and says, “Hey, man, let’s be on a team together! You and me and Frank! Also, dude, you gotta try this apple I pulled off the Tree of Knowledge! It’s so tasty. You totally won’t be banished.”

Wil knew that he was in the crosshairs this week. His back was against a wall. He decided to start playing a sharp social game. Unfortunately, Wil’s version of social game basically involved walking up to random houseguests and saying, “I think there’s a conspiracy to evict me. Hahaha! And I think you’re in the conspiracy. Hahaha! Anyhow, hello.”

It wasn’t a convincing argument, is what I’m getting at. Smashley could recognize this. So Smashley made a quiet little power move. She walked up to Frank in the kitchen and said, “Do you want to go on an ice cream date later?”

Cut To: Interior HoH Throne Room, Night. There’s no ice cream in the house, so Smashley and Frank are sharing a few glasses of wine. “My only friend in the house is Wil,” says Smashley. “Sometimes it gets lonely. I need some manly testosterone in my life.” “Do you wanna make out on the couch for a bit?” asks Frank surreptitiously. Cut To: Ian, downstairs, playing a mournful game of badminton with the fellows. Cut To: Frank and Smashley, making out on the HoH throne-couch. Cut To: Ian, complaining to Britney, “I thought she was my flirtmance.” Cut To: Smashley, running down all the ways that Frank is similar to Channing Tatum. “He’s very manly. He has nice lips. And a very soft tongue.” Truly, Frank has the body of Channing Tatum and the hair of Little Orphan Annie. Call him Little Orphan Channie. Or don’t, weirdo.

We’re reaching the halfway point of the summer. The housemates have not seen the outside world for a long, long time. Britney has a wife on the outside; Jenn likes ladies; Danielle has promised her heart to Shane, who has promised his heart to the man in the mirror who really rocks that pink tank top. That leaves Smashley as the only unattached human heterosexual female. So it makes simple geometric sense that Frank would seek a showmance with Smashley. Or, anyhow, a Secondbasemance. Smashley, for her part, said “This is exactly what I secretly wanted.” Could it be that Smashley is using her feminine wiles to conquer a powerful man, just like Cleopatra and Delilah and Angela Merkel? Or could this be love? Or maybe life inside the Big Brother house is just crushingly boring?

NEXT PAGE: Meet Mrs. Joe. Or should I say: MEET MRS. JOE!!!

Meanwhile, Outside the Big Brother house: I don’t usually talk too much about the exterior video packages the BB producers craft for the eviction episodes, because if I wanted to bother you with long-winded descriptions of filler, I think it would be more interesting to live-blog my experience eating an entire jug of Double-Stuf Oreo Cookies. But there were two big revelations offsite in last night’s episode. First off: We saw Joe’s home. Joe, it turns out, is married to a totally badass lady and is the father of four remarkably self-aware children. Mrs. Joe called Boogie an “[expletive deleted]” and said, “If I could talk to Joe, my advice would be: Trust your gut, and stop yelling in the diary room.” Meanwhile, all four Little Joes joined in making fun of their loud dad. Combine that with a fantastic closing-plea from Joe himself — “I’M TAKING CLASSES AT NIGHT CALLED HUMAN WHISPERING.” — and last night’s episode marked a complete character redemption for the house’s loudest and loneliest contestant. Everyone hop on the Joe Train, TOOT-TOOOT!

The other interesting thing to happen outside the house last night involved the return of Jeff, the brilliant lunkhead with uncannily well-plucked eyebrows who is either a fan-favorite or an attractive douchebag that CBS keeps insisting is a fan-favorite. Anyhow, Jeff was boring, but that’s not the point. An unusually frisky Chenbot asked Jeff to try out his interviewing tactics on her, and Jeff asked: “What kind of player would you be inside the Big Brother house?” Julie didn’t miss a beat: “I would probably be a Janelle crossed with a Mike Boogie,” she said. (She laughed, but it was the kind of laugh that sounded like: “Ha. Ha. Ha. IWILLCRUSHYOU. Ha. Ha.”) Now, admittedly, saying you would play Big Brother like a mixture of Janelle and Mike Boogie is sort of like saying you’d like to be Superman crossed with Batman. But I like how El Chenbot immediately associates herself with a high-functioning emotionless sociopath and a ruthless grinning supervillain.

Vote Time: Smashley didn’t let a little makeout sesh tear her away from best buddy Wil. And, in a surprising move, Jenn also declared her wish to send Joe home. (“Thank you,” said the Chenbot, “But do you mind me asking: Who are you, and what are you doing in the Big Brother house?”) Unfortunately for the man with beautiful hair, the Quack Pack/Silent Six alliance coalition wanted him out. So Wil went his merry way — the happiest man to leave the house all season, which probably explains why he wasn’t very good at the game.

The rest of the housemates started competing for the newest HoH competition, transferring water across a slip-slide surface over to a jug. There was a twist, though. They could also fill smaller jugs for a pair of prizes: A one-week eviction immunity, or $10,000. Boogie is the only guy who went for the $10k. This strikes me as a horrible miscalculation on his part. Frank couldn’t compete in the HoH, and the four other people in the Silent Six alliance could all be gunning for Chilltown Part Deux next week. (Plus, it’s typically bad form to shamelessly chase after the cash prize at this stage of the game.) Julie announced that the rest of the housemates were evenly split between immunity and HoH.

Now, I couldn’t spot who was going for what (although I believe Smashley was chasing immunity.) Apropos of nothing, I’m betting it lined up like this: Smashley, Danielle, Ian, and Joe are chasing immunity; Britney, Shane, Dan, and Jenn are angling for HoH. (I bet Joe just wants a week of peace after his recent run on the block; likewise, I feel like Jenn is sensing that she needs to establish herself in the house before the jury starts coming together. Then again: Who’s Jenn?)

Julie closed out the night by announcing that next week will be a Double Eviction episode. It seems unlikely that the Silent Six alliance will hold at this point; in fact, considering that Boogie has already taken himself out of the running for HoH, it’s easy money that Boogie and Frank will find themselves on the block next week at some point. Check back here on Friday morning for my complete rundown of the players’ chances going into the back half of the season. For now, I want to hear from you, fellow viewers. How do you see the breakdown of the Silent Six from here? Can the Quack Pack overcome its ridiculous name and become the power alliance in the house? Will wild cards Joe and Jenn prove useful in a close vote? Will Frank ever forgive Boogie for throwing this HoH competish?

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