A fight breaks out over a bottle of wine, and a sudden groundswell of smart gameplay sends the first houseguest packing

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July 04, 2013 at 02:59 AM EDT

Let’s all just take a moment to mourn the passing of Dudebro. He had beautiful hair and a supposed job as a lifeguard, which still only barely counts as a “job” even in our miserable economy. You got the idea that half the reason he was on Big Brother was just to get away from the parents he still lives with. He freely admitted that he was mostly on the show just so he could have a showmance, and sure enough, it took him less than a week to meet the love of his life. One contestant admiringly called his girlfriend “the biggest bitch on the show.” When he left the house, he admitted that it had been a difficult week for him: “I was kind of getting bored, to say the least.” Whatever a player is, he was the opposite of. He was a quote fountain and he couldn’t spell real good. For all the talk about him being a physical threat, he vibed like a floater.

I’m sad that he’s gone. Not really. The first eviction episode of this season of Big Brother mapped out a whole array of interesting player-factions inside of the house, and showed the contestants finally getting down to business. Elissa came out as the Sister of Rachel officially, which led Amanda to say: “Maybe we can work with her. And maybe she’s human. Maybe.” It was a busy episode for Amanda, who got in bed with McCrae and wound up making out with him. It’s unclear why, exactly. She flat-out said that she still suspects that he’s a Wall Street millionaire. Maybe she just wants to think that, because she can’t believe she would fall for a mere pizza boy. McCrae himself asked, “Who would’ve thought that the slacker-loser pizza boy would be snuggling with the 28-year-old high-end real estate agent from Florida?” I have no idea if this odd couple will last one second longer than McCrae’s HoH reign, but I hope those two crazy kids make it. “I like you,” said Amanda. “I don’t know why.” Romance!

Elsewhere in the Big Brother House of Love, Jeremy made things semi-official with Kaitlin, the bartender from Minnesota. For a brief and fascinating, it looked like there would be an oh-so-rare Showmance Double-Date Alliance. Jeremy and Kaitlin were hanging out one night with Aaryn and Dudebro. Everyone in the house had agreed that they wouldn’t pop any drinks until midnight, when the Have-Nots would end their week of coach-class misery. But Aaryn wanted a drink, badly. Whatever Aaryn wants, Aaryn gets. Jeremy opened the red wine and shared it with his pals.

This caused a minor controversy that became a major controversy. The Have-Nots excited, expecting a party, only to discover the party was already over. Said Helen: “We’ve got one bottle of red wine in the house, and it’s gone.” This led to some feelings of passive-aggression in the kitchen. Aaryn was not happy with that. “I’m noticing these death glares,” said the girl who stole everyone’s wine. “I’m getting sick of how two-faced these people are,” said the newly-unemployed model who would not admit to anyone’s face that she stole the wine. “They need a smackdown, and I’m sick of them,” she said, really just going into a blood rage run now.

Aaryn made some noise, and Jeremy decided to go inside and tell everyone that it was him, him who opened up the red wine. “It was I who popped the red wine,” he told the house. “I drank the s— out of it, and I feel great, and I don’t give a s—.” Then he turned into the mirror, pointed his finger at the handsome dunce standing therein, and yelled, “J’accuse!

Everyone else in the house looked confused and annoyed. Seriously, have any flimsy pseudo-alliances ever imploded faster than the Showmance Double-Date? Everyone clocked that Aaryn was the puppetmaster of Jeremy’s rampage. As Andy put it: “Aaryn is the head of the snake, and Jeremy is the hulking ridiculously large body of the snake.” Helen started crying, and said she would never raise her boys to behave like Jeremy. Amanda wound up yelling at Jeremy, and it’s clear that Amanda has more power than we could’ve guessed. Aaryn declared war in the confessional: “I will not stop until all of these jerks are out of the house.” By the end of the episode, her main ally would be gone; meanwhile, Jeremy might still technically be in the Moving Company, but he voted behind party lines, and his in-house girlfriend looks pretty friendless.

If one of them wins HoH — a decent possibility, given how the duos lined up at episode’s end– they might have some power for the week. But they made no friends in the Affair of the Red Wine. At one point, Jeremy announced: “I need a new teepee, and I’m about to throw spears at buffalo.” Less than a week in, and Jeremy already sounds like he’s on a vengeance death spiral.

NEXT: Elissa redeemed

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Julie Chen hosts as the houseguests battle it out.
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