We revisit the downfall of a power player, and welcome back an old twist

By Kate Ward
Updated August 29, 2011 at 03:05 AM EDT
Monty Brinton/CBS

Big Brother

S13 E23
  • TV Show

Because we TV junkies are all warped individuals, it doesn’t take long for us to begin looking at reality show contestants as family. Especially when it comes to Big Brother. I may see my parents once a week, but I spend three days a week catching up with my Big Brother family. And I don’t even have to bother showering before I see them! So it’s sad, in a way, to watch my Big Brother brothers and sisters fight. Whereas before, the house generally lived in harmony, with the exception of one blow-up or two that was remedied over a nice slop dinner, last night, we watched the family explode as soon as its big patriarch walked out the door.

When you think about it, the final seven contestants in the house were like a family: You had Big Jeff, the level-headed dad who’s still behind the times enough to hold a grudge against gay wizards. You have Kalia, the emotional — sometimes to the point of irrational — mom who enjoys nights with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and Mr. Big. You have Shelly, the kooky aunt who will tell you how much she loves your cooking to your face, but then goes to run to the other side of the family to talk about how much that cooking just has to go. You have Rachel, the angst-y teenage daughter who just doesn’t understand why you want to keep her apart from her man, and if you keep doing it, she’ll sneak into your house, muffle you with a furry boot, and make you pay, oh my god sequins HAHAHA! You have Porsche, the younger, quieter daughter so above it all, she has no choice but to just roll her eyes and go to get her oil changed. You have Jordan, the pet kitten who just looks so adorable trying to catch butterflies between her paws. And you have Adam, the pet puppy who does absolutely nothing except beg for bacon.

NEXT: Family Feud

Turns out Big Daddy Jeff was the glue that held together this very sticky group of people. Because as soon as it became clear that he may not make it to the end with his supposed alliance, all hell broke loose. In a Big Brother first, we rewound to last Thursday’s episode to watch the mystery fight Shelly and Jeff had prior to Daniele’s eviction. So let’s run it down, shall we? One day before Daniele went home, Rachel confronted Big Daddy Jeff to talk about cornholes. (They have a very comfortable relationship.) Shelly had told her that he threw the competition, and that left Rachel no choice but to drop the f-bomb — fiancé. Then, Big Daddy Jeff — angry that Aunt Shelly would go behind his back — only got angrier when he discovered that she had considered trying to keep Daniele in the house. In the purple room, Jeff picked up pet puppy Adam, and said, “Shelly’s such a rat. And Joe Dirt was terrible!” Aunt Shelly overheard the conversation, barged in, and begged to differ, telling Daddy Jeff that she, in fact, is not a rat, but a horse. Jeff disagreed, and announced that she had made final three deals with everyone — that’s something he would never do, because he’s straight up and doesn’t lie to anyone, which is a lie, since he lied to Daniele, and, wait, is he a truthful Whitefoot or a lying Blackfoot, and maybe I should just go and watch Charade than deal with this mess. Adam then tried to offer an opinion, but Big Daddy Jeff just handed him a Bacon Strip to gnaw on. “I’m just worried about us!” the house patriarch yelled. Eventually, the whole argument got so noisy, even Rachel had no choice but to say, “I just don’t want to deal with all this fighting.” Big Brother‘s Rachel, unlikely voice of reason!

If things were bad before Jeff left the house, things only got worse once everyone witnessed “The Hardest Thing“: Jeff walking out the door. Following his exit, Rachel and Jordan gathered in a room, whipped out their tiny violins, and blew up balloons for their exclusive pity party. “I don’t understand how we could be so bad at this game,” sobbed Rachel. The whole scene was one Eric Carmen song away from being Bridget Jones’s Diary, which, incidentally, is likely the next film on Kalia’s Netflix. Then, to make matters worse, Shelly entered. You know when you see your kitten sprawled out on her back, appearing as though she wants attention? And when you approach her, she suddenly and inexplicably unleashes a petrifying attack, clawing and biting at your hands with astounding blood-thirst? I give you Jordan, post-Jeff. Turns out this adorable kitten can be quite ugly. “You should feel like s—!” Jordan yelled at Shelly, insisting the outdoors executive is following in Daniele’s footsteps. “[Daniele’s] season was four years ago, and who gives a f—? And I want my $10 back for Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star!” Calm yourself, Jordan. You may have been handed Big Brother 11 on a silver platter, but the game doesn’t always work that way. Being a piece of s— is a Big Brother requirement. Entering the Big Brother house expecting people to tell the truth is like going to White Castle expecting not to spend your night in the bathroom. You should know what you’re getting into before you enter the Big Brother house — especially for a second time.

NEXT: Porsche opens her box (Oh, don’t go there, guys)

Time for the ever-important Head of Household. It was a game we’d seen in a previous episode — Adam had found a long piece of wood and ball in the Big Brother backyard a week back, and had practiced the balancing game with Jeff. Surely, he would have the advantage, yes? No, silly! Adam is a useless dog! Though the snake-themed game was close — Jordan and Porsche seemed evenly matched at the end — Porsche eventually pulled through with the win, since, as we saw with the last veto, the VIP waitress knows her way around balls. Naturally, the waterworks continued until Jordan eventually ran dry. “I’ve cried so much, I can’t cry anymore,” she said. That’s okay — Rachel had enough tears for the two of them, and continued to sob about the house, Brendon, life, Hurricane Irene, world hunger, getting dumped by Bobby Smith behind the bleachers in 7th grade, the European debt crisis, her roots, Darfur, and her inability to find waterproof mascara.

Time to see Porsche’s HOH room! But, wait, we didn’t actually get to watch her unveil her room to her Big Brother houseguests. No problem. I’m pretty sure this is how it went down: The VIP waitress guides her five housemates through framed photos of her loved ones. “That’s Tiger, that’s Charlie… ” She begins to tear up when she sees a picture of a Porsche 911 Classic. “Oh, that’s Daddy! And he wrote a letter!” She opens it up, picks up a tissue, and cries as she reads: “Vroom.”

But — shocker! — there’s a twist! Tempted by $10,000, Porsche decides to open Pandora’s Box, which unleashed something very bad on the houseguests. And Big Brother‘s viewers. That’s right — the duos twist is back. Just when we thought it had walked out the door with Adam’s metal beard, it returns in the house, giving Jordan and Rachel a distinct advantage during a week when their fates were pretty much sealed.

So, time to turn it over to you, fellow Big Brother fans: Should Porsche nominate Jordan and Rachel for eviction, banking on the fact that they won’t win the veto, or should she try to backdoor them? Is Shelly screwed this week? Can the Big Brother family exist without Big Daddy Jeff? Do you accept Jordan’s new attitude, since all adorable kittens are all secretly spoiled assholes anyway? Or did the Southern belle suddenly get ugly? And are you, like me, angry to see the return of the duos twist?

Follow Kate on Twitter @KateWardEW

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Big Brother

Julie Chen hosts as the houseguests battle it out.

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