One veteran heads to jury while the other positions herself for the win... and the newbies continue to play a sloppy game

By Kate Ward
Updated September 09, 2011 at 03:56 AM EDT
S13 E28

On Thursday night, I sat glued to my television after watching Jordan walk out the Big Brother door. What will happen next? What would a Jordan-less house be like? Who will win the next Head of Household? I needed to know! But wait — what is this? Breaking News? Cutting into my Big Brother? What’s that? You say two terror plots might threaten New York City, my home, this weekend? Oh, wow! There are worse things than the idea Adam winning season 13 of Big Brother! Way to make me put things in perspective, TV.

So I bring this up only to introduce my next point, fellow Big Brother fans. Perhaps my mind is all mixed up with thoughts of my possible demise this weekend, but I can’t help it: I think Rachel should win this season of Big Brother. In fact, I think she will win Big Brother this season. Porsche, the victor of the most powerful of the Power of Veto competitions, all but sealed it. Now, I don’t disagree that Jordan needed to leave before the final two. But had Porsche sent Rachel packing, she would have almost guaranteed a Head of Household win, since Jordan only comes to competitions armed with cute tank tops and Adam can’t win anything when distracted by Beggin’ Strips. But, instead, opting to vote out Jordan, she kept a viable competitor in the house who also happens to be smart enough to know she’d win in a landslide stacked up against who could just be the worst player in Big Brother history. (You may now hand over your trophy, season 10’s terrible, terrible old man Jerry.) So Porsche’s only chance to win a half million dollars? Winning this final, three-part Head of Household, and choosing to take Adam to the end, when he’ll likely do nothing.

NEXT: The real loser in this game is bacon.

In fact, just watching his reign as Head of Household was painful. It started with the final four all taking a peek at his HoH room, which included a bucket full of bacon-themed goods. Bacon gummies, bacon pillows, bacon-wrapped half a million dollars — just kidding! He’ll never get that. Seeing his basket, Rachel commented that if Adam could marry bacon, he would. But then you know that bacon would have no choice but to divorce Adam, because how could something so awesome as bacon be married to something as lame as Adam? It’s like the Big Brother version of Sandra Bullock and Jesse James. Never gonna last.

Porsche, instead of attempting to convince Adam that he had no chance to win against a veteran, tried to convince the Head of Household that it would be fun to see new people face off at the end. As much as I’ve started to like Porsche in these final Big Brother days, I have to admit she doesn’t quite have a gift with words, but I suppose most vehicles don’t. Jordan, on the other hand, used a more aggressive approach when she found out Adam wasn’t sure about whether or not he’d use the veto to save her. “She doesn’t deserve to be in the final three,” said Jordan of Porsche. She ran to the diary room and said, “This girl uses her feminine ways, bats her eyes to stay in the competition,” then ran back up to use her feminine ways and bat her eyes in an attempt to stay in the competition. The best thing about the whole scene? Watching the never-before-in-power Adam struggle with having to do… something. The guy was so nervous and uncomfortable in power, shifting his eyes back and forth as if looking for an escape, I almost wish I were there to throw him a pair of floaties.

But then Adam did something surprising. No, don’t worry, I didn’t say smart. Hell isn’t ready for ice-skating yet. But surprising. He opted to nominate Porsche and Jordan, regardless of Jordan’s scary kitten act. Was it because he wanted to get a powerful player out? Nope — he opted not to make a strategic decision, instead saying he nominated both because they had never got themselves off the block with a veto. “Earn it, please,” he told them hilariously, as if he ever had. Then Rachel responded: “Good speech.” Please, Rachel, tell me that was sarcasm so I have a reason to like you when you win this whole shebang!

NEXT: A half million dollars will buy a lot of waterproof mascara.

Too bad she digressed to Old Rachel faster than you can say “Bukie is an incredibly inappropriate nickname for a significant other.” Thanks to the veto competition — Porsche, deploying a smart strategy during a very challenging competition relying on contestants’ memories of the game, easily picked up the win, which, unsurprisingly, brought Rachel to tears. And then we heard the most self-aware series of statements since Kanye sang “Runaway”:

Jordan: “I deserve to leave.”

Rachel (to Porsche, drying her eyes): “I’m really happy for you, I’m sorry.”

Porsche: “This is very awkward.”

Jordan (to Rachel): “You don’t take losing well, do you?”

Adam: “Beggin’!

Porsche: “Beep beep!”

Perhaps it’s because she has a big heart, or perhaps she realized she’s the biggest floater second only to Adam in the house, but Jordan decided it was likely her time. “If you get in the final two, you will win,” she encouraged Rachel, severely making up for her plea earlier that Rachel buckle down and win the veto… even though she was the one up for nomination. And then, once again, the kitten turned catty during her final speech, telling Porsche she knew nothing about her, but “I know you love wearing bikinis and I know you love hosting competitions.” ZING! Apparently, Jordan really had never spent time with Porsche, since we all know all she wore were sweatpants and sheen of Turtle Wax to protect her exterior.

So that brings us to the final, three-part Head of Household competition, friends. And now I toss it over to you: Were you as bored as I was during this episode? Hell, were you as bored as I have been during this whole season? (Bring on Big Brother 14 already!) Did Jordan deserve to go? Does Rachel deserve to win? Does anyone other than Rachel stand a chance? And, finally, do you think Adam… ugh, I can’t even bring myself to complete a sentence about Adam. Until Sunday!

Follow Kate on Twitter @KateWardEW

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