Another HoH is crowned, the first member of Team America is revealed, and one houseguest crowns herself the hottest of them all

By Katie Atkinson
Updated June 27, 2014 at 03:35 AM EDT
Big Brother Julie Chen
Credit: Bill Inoshita/CBS
S16 E2

It’s night two of Big Brother 16, and it’s time to meet the second octet of houseguests. We would love to suggest Even Crazier 8’s as their alliance name, but this batch wasn’t quite as resourceful as their predecessors, with none of the eight new players even mentioning the possibility of sticking together. Was it just because they didn’t get the same alone time as the first group, or did they seriously not even consider it as an option? Also, why did Pow Pow waste her time grilling Caleb instead of working on the rookie ladies for her El Quatro galliance? (And yes, that’s gal + alliance, stolen directly from Leslie Knope’s Galentine’s Day.)

But here we are talking way too much sense about a nonsensical show. The fact is, the night one group had their heads in the game and behaved like true BB scholars (truly the only time anyone on this show will be called that), whereas the night deuce squad argued who was the hottest (obviously Victoria, says Victoria) and made thinly veiled homophobic comments (“You’re the most Broadway person I’ve ever seen,” Alpha male Zach says to openly gay Frankie).

So shall we meet Victoria and Zach? No? Well too bad, we’re meeting them anyway.

Victoria: The 22-year-old photographer was raised in Israel and now lives in Miami. “We’re orthodox, but we don’t dress it, obviously”–cue skimpy bikini shot. And she offers up a generic prissy lady quote to boot: “Heels are a girl’s best friend.” Sigh.

Zach: “I don’t need friends because all I need is myself.” Oh, so that’s why the 23-year-old insulted the sitting HoH and made no attempt to form an alliance. In the same breath, Zach tells us that lying gives him a rush and “I tell people how it is”–as long as “how it is” is a complete lie.

Caleb: The 26-year-old from Kentucky is a self-proclaimed metrosexual country boy. He leads us through his beauty regimen, and “next thing you know, I look like Robin Thicke.” It’s only a matter of time until he’s begging Paula Patton to take him back. He’s also ex-military, so he and camo connoisseur Donny should get along just fine.

Brittany: The 29-year-old mother of three (!) is just out of a 10-year marriage. Honestly, she seems too well-adjusted for this show so far, but that’s bound to change.

Manic Pixie Dream Christine: How did they cast Christine and Nicole in the same season? This is too much adorkability for one show. Manic Pixie Dream Girls only work when set against a drab, gray background of normality. Putting two Zooey Deschanels in one place might make the matrix fall in on itself. Oh, and she’s a quirky barista who loves being naked and has a freakishly tall husband.

Deputy Derrick: He’s a dad and a cop, but in the grand tradition of Tony on the last season of Survivor, he’s keeping his Blue Bloods (CBS cross-promo opportunity!) background a secret.

Jocasta: Another reformed-bad-girl pastor who always wears bow ties? Such a cliché. Actually, this lady is going to be great for sound bites (and the famous BB holy-music soundtrack) all season. Case in point: “My past is my past. I’ve done a lot of things; I’ve done a lot of people.”

Hayden: He’s a goofy pedicab driver in Long Beach. His profound Jerry Maguire exit speech on his way to the BB house went thusly: “No more pedicabbing for me!”

NEXT: Two groups converge in Hollywood

So now let’s bring the two gangs together. First, some simple math: 8 + 8 = 16. And yet, here’s Zach’s reaction to walking into the house: “I’m meeting 20 people this way, 20 people this way, there’s 15 conversations going on at once.” But while Zach is meeting 40 people for some reason, Caleb only sees one. “Amber is taking a big bite of my cake right now.” We’re going to need the BB fans to watch the live feeds overnight to let us know what exactly that means. Hayden, meanwhile, is just seeing famous faces. “I am surrounded by legends right now,” the pedicabber says, wondering if he accidentally stumbled onto a celebrity season. Who are his hallucinations sightings? The Rock (Devin), Whitney Houston (Amber), John Travolta (Zach), and Spicoli (himself, of course).

Just like the previous night, when Frankie quickly bonded with fellow peacock Joey, Ariana Grande’s bro takes an instant shine to Victoria. “I love me a cartoon princess,” he says. Joey also has a new favorite: quirky barista Christine. “Triple-shot Americano, please!” Everyone but Caleb is in the mood to celebrate the merging of groups (“I kind of feel like it’s us versus them at this point,” he rightly points out), so they break out the champagne… in mason jars? This is not Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar.

Some observations from the formal introductions:

-Deputy Derrick lies about being a cop by claiming to be a parks and rec coordinator. Do we see him as more of a Tom Haverford or a Ron Swanson?

-Hayden announces: “I don’t surf.” We’d love to make fun of him for saying that, but he’s a long-haired blond living in Long Beach, so yeah, we had him pegged for a surfer. It needed to be said.

-That was some healthy applause for the fact that Zach is unemployed.

-But the biggest applause is reserved for Brittany being single. These dudes don’t seem to care one bit that she has three kids back home.

-Caleb says he’s a hunting guide, which puts Frankie a little on edge about just how conservative the Southern boy might be. “He’s not going to get all of this, and I’m most likely not going to get all of that,” Frankie says.

NEXT: Pow Pow sees Caleb as an El Quatro threat

Paola is also skeptical of Caleb, but it’s hard to tell if they’re being flirtatious or combative in their one-on-one. When Frankie calls for some icebreakers, Donny breaks out his secret weapon: making cricket noises. “I’m not just whistlin’ just to be whistlin’—I’m distractin ’em.” That’s not so difficult, Donny. Brittany and Derrick, meanwhile, are bonding over having kids and have a total Fievel moment, hoping their little ones are looking out at the same stars. Again, Brittany is too well-adjusted for this game.

But let’s get on to the competition: It’s not too far off from Wednesday night’s Head of Household contest, but this time, instead of walking on a spinning log, they’re clinging to a spinning log. Subtle differences. The four ladies all go down first, in this order: Victoria, Brittany, Jocasta, and Christine. The spewing BBQ sauce doesn’t help matters, and the four remaining men look like the inside-out man at the end of Robbie Williams’ “Rock DJ” video at this point. Zach and Derrick both (smartly) drop out, while Hayden and Caleb duke it out for HoH. After all his big talk, Caleb actually delivers. Frankie seizes the opportunity to suck up to his fellow HoH, squealing, “Oh my God, we’re gonna be roommates!” But his real intentions are revealed soon enough in the diary room. “He’s a lion, and I’m gonna be his tamer.”

Of course, we’ve been promised all sorts of twisty twisting twists this summer, and Julie explains that both Heads of Household will nominate two houseguests, and those pairs of nominees will go head-to-head in a Battle of the Block. Whichever pair wins, their nominating HoH goes back into the pool of houseguests and could end up on the block. But that’s not the end of the twists and turns… and more twists: Joey was chosen as the first member of Team America: Big Brother Police. She, along with two other houseguests, will be given tasks to complete each week, and they can earn $5,000 for each completed mission. Was anyone else kind of surprised that Joey was the first pick? I definitely thought the Ariana Grande fans would come out hard for her brother.

On Wednesday night, Darren brought you a moment in showmance. Now, I bring you…

The night in Julie Chen tongue-twisters, a.k.a. all the times the host used the word “twist”:

+ It’s all part of what’s shaping up to be THE most twisted summer ever.

+ The final details of this summer’s big game-changing twist will be revealed.

+ This IS the most twisted summer ever.

+ The most twisted summer ever is JUST getting started.

+ You’ve all been speculating on how this twist will play out.

Follow Katie on Twitter @ktatkinson.

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