The Bachelorette recap: Men of Iniquity
The guys get together to reminisce about their role in Emily's "journey," but they're really more interested in attacking the season's villains, Ryan and Kalon.
Tonight! On the Men Tell All! Guys you barely remember will make one final attempt to speak on camera, while others won’t even speak! Chris Harrison will be allowed to show some personality! And women in the audience will display exaggerated expressions of disapproval or glee on cue! It’s all coming up… right now!
Of course, rose lovers, we begin with Harrison leading Emily on a walk down memory lane. You and I don’t really need to relive any portion of the Bachelorette’s “journey” — Trophy Wife-gate, Baggage-gate, Awkward Kiss During Breakup-gate — so let’s focus on the most important thing about this segment: How did I never notice before that Emily has SIX BOXES of hair and makeup supplies in her bathroom? And why am I actually surprised by this? And here I was thinking that having three different shades of pink lip gloss was indulgent.
Anyhoo, let’s move on to the deleted scenes, shall we? First up, Emily spills white wine on her gorgeous rose dress during her date with Joe, and then proceeds to swear like a longshoreman in a bar fight. “Motherf—er! F—, y’all! I just spilled it all over my dress,” she whines to someone off camera. “And I said the F-word in front of my date! I’m supposed to be a lady!” (The best part is the “y’all.”) In other what-you-didn’t-see news, we learn that Travis has some kind of dialect Tourette’s — he’s shown slipping from hip-hop lingo (“aiight!”) to a quasi-Irish brogue all within the course of the Shakespeare date — while Arie’s little brothers got some clandestine sex ed during the hometown date when they spied on Emily and big bro as the duo were making out by the Getaway SUV. “Oh, that’s awkward,” says the Bachelorette, who adds that she “loved” Arie’s brothers and told them “if it didn’t work out, I’d be calling them.” (Um… okay, Pamela Smart.) Chris, meanwhile, is a terrible dancer, as evidenced by painful footage of him trying and failing to spin Emily during their private Luke Bryan concert in Charlotte. But cut the guy some slack — dancing in an abandoned parking lot while surrounded by screaming spectators can’t be easy. The segment ends with Emily promising to do the running man on After the Final Rose — so at least those 90 seconds weren’t completely for naught.
At this point the action moves to the Tealight Candle Thunderdome, but it’s just a tease, because the guys aren’t coming out yet — first, we’ve gotta watch an extended promo for the new “dramatic,” “fun-filled,” “sexy” season of Bachelor Pad. In short, it looks like this: crying, crying, running away from cameras, crying, crying while dabbing eyes with a hand towel, crying in a stairwell, running down the stairs crying, possibly dead girl in the Reject Limo, knife-wielding lunatic in the Pad kitchen, Ed [bleep] Chris [bleep], topless “lady,” drunken insults about bestiality, night vision sex, crying while drinking wine and holding a rose, awesome Stagliano sound bite (“Uhhhhhh my god it’s already a hell hole!”), rhythmic gymnastics, Tony talking about his son without crying, whipped cream obstacle course, Bachelor Pad spelling bee (BRILLIANT!), fireworks, prop planes, rooftop dinners, icky hookups (Stag and Rachel; Chris and Blakely; Chris and Jamie), and awesome Reid sound bite (to Ed: “Didn’t you say you were going to marry Jillian and then you moved in together and then you cheated on her?”). Cue the applause!
NEXT: Roll the drama montage!
Put in your earplugs, rose lovers, because at last it’s time to re-meet the guys: Randy (who?), Aaron (wait, who?), Joe, Charlie, Stevie, Alessandro, Travis, Nate (who dat?), Michael, Alejandro, Kalon, Ryan, Doug, John/Wolf, Tony, Chris, and [squeeeeeeeeeeeal] Sean. Harrison gets things started by inviting the guys to talk about their opening night jitters. “You kind of prepare yourself mentally and physically prior to meeting Emily and certainly these gentlemen,” says Kalon, “and that certainly goes all out the window.” Let’s roll the drama montage! You know what, Tarzan hair? Watching this back, I think you were totally right when you said Doug was “at the heart of eighty or ninety percent of the confrontations and the drama.” Too bad Team Bachelorette chose to silence your wisdom.
After viewing the highlight reel of bad behavior, Chris feels penitent and admits he was “immature” at times, primarily because he was so crazy about Emily. But Chris can only be the bigger man for about 40 seconds: “Obviously the guys who were older than me and thought they were more mature than me, it didn’t work out so well for you guys.” Oh, snap! Or more like, oh, shut up. Doug rolls his eyes — “I can’t believe we have to have this same conversation again!” — and Ryan tries to shut Chris down with his condescending charm: “You’re a great dude, you’re a young guy, but it doesn’t matter.” Speaking of d-bags, Kalon doesn’t think his helicopter shtick from night one was really that obnoxious. “I didn’t see it that way,” he said, vainly trying to keep his teeth covered by his lips. “If anybody else had arrived that way, I would have been extremely interested to hear their story.”
Judging from the derisive scrum that follows, everyone still hates Kalon — everyone, that is, but Chris and Tony, who joined him on Bachelor Pad. So why does Tony look like he wants to self-immolate with a tealight candle when Kalon says they’re “great friends”? Perhaps because he knows it’s time for Helicopter Boy to get in the hot seat, and that means we’re all about to watch Kalon’s Montage of A-holery. After the damning footage rolls, Kalon explains that he didn’t know Emily was the Bachelorette when he signed up — and once he learned the news, it was too late to bow out gracefully. And really, Kalon continues, all those times he was a dick to Emily — telling her to “run along” or “let me finish” — it was really just because he doesn’t “thrive” in the reality TV “scenario,” and he can’t help it if “everybody in America likes things to be sugarcoated.” Well, you’ve got to hand it to the guy — he’s really committed to this douchebag-villain persona. It’ll probably serve him well on Bachelor Pad.
Let’s keep the asshat train rolling: Ryan, sit yourself down on the hotseat, won’t you? Please do us the courtesy of explaining what the difference is between you, a man who’s been “blessed with so many worldly gifts,” and an arrogant ass. “There’s no doubt I’m confident in me,” says Ryan, who intimates that all of his braggadocio was really just a result of being taken out of context by Team Bachelorette. Harrison, why don’t you open it up to the floor so Chris — who looks like he’s about to jump out of his seat — can get his digs in? “I’m talking right now, to you! Please listen!” he barks, after Ryan interrupts him. “My question is, what were your feelings for Emily?” Ryan’s answer: She’s nice and all, but not “my wife” material.
NEXT: Emily tells Sean about her “ugly, ugly, ugly cry”
But District Attorney Chris is not done with his line of questioning: Is it not true, sir, that you told Arie, “It’s going to be me and you at the end, and if you win I’ll probably be the next Bachelor”? Hell yeah, says Ryan. “I had that conversation with not just Arie, but several frontrunner guys… I didn’t see you as being one of them, sorry.” Nice. Ryan definitely has his arrogant/suave alpha-male bit down cold (of course, getting a rise out of Chris is easier than booking Erica Rose for Bachelor Pad 12). Harrison assures us that The Bachelor: Augusta is not going to happen and then attempts to wrap up the segment, but Ryan does not want his moment in the spotlight to end. “How about ‘trophy wife’ – you want to touch on that?” he asks the host, who instead sends Wolfman Jack packing with a sarcastic dismissal: “Ladies, the line forms right over here!”
Moving on to the sad-sack portion of the evening, it’s Chris’ turn to relive his humiliation. “It hurts,” he tells Harrison. “It really, really hurt… I really believed that I would be with this girl for the rest of my life.” [Cut to women making ‘Awwww’ faces in the audience] The Bachelorette, continues Chris, made him believe in true love again: “I am looking forward to falling in love with that right girl. I really am.” Encouraging applause! Wait a minute — isn’t this the guy we saw bed-hopping and talking about “trading in” one girl for a better one in that sneak peek of Bachelor Pad? I hope the future Mrs. Chris has good insurance, because she’s probably going to need a lifetime supply of Valtrex.
Sean’s next — thank God, it’s time to class up the joint a bit. Don’t cry, lady in the audience… the Genetic Gift is surviving after being dumped on TV. “I fell in love with this girl,” he says. “That’s not going to fade overnight. I wish it would… Although, I do see the light at the end of the tunnel.” Not for long, sir, because The One That Got Away is right backstage wearing a skintight red minidress, and she’s coming out to face you and all of the other guys she rejected. After greeting Harrison (and Tony, who randomly rushes the stage for a hug), Emily turns to Sean and offers this as a consolation prize: “I want you to know that I watched the episode and literally sat in my room and did, like, the ugly cry — ugly, ugly, ugly, cry. And everything that I felt for you was so true and so genuine.” That seems like cold comfort — yeah, your heart is broken, but I had to look unattractive for a few minutes! — but Sean responds graciously, even thanking Emily for showing him what love is. Chris is all, You opened my eyes, too!, and then Kalon — prompted by Harrison — jumps in to apologize once again for Baggage-gate and says he’s trying to use the incident as a “growing experience.”
Emily just furrows her brow and announces, “That is the biggest load of [bleep] I’ve ever heard.” She has reason to be skeptical, as just a few days before MTA taped, Kalon tweeted a photo of an airport baggage claim with the caption, “Thought I would find @emilymaynard here but no such luck…” (He’s since deleted the tweet, but you can see a screen-grab below. Thanks, @emilymaccallum!)
Kalon doesn’t even try to defend himself (saying “I don’t take social media seriously” is not trying), probably because he knows all of this just helps solidify him as a bankable reality TV villain — and you never know, that could lead to a coveted gig on the next season of VH1’s Couples Therapy.
NEXT: Harrison gets the best line of the night
Wow, is it time for bloopers already? We get the standard wind-related mishaps, a montage of black-bar-covered bachelor butt (is that Doug streaking through the woods at night?), Chris going commando in a kilt, and Emily revealing her fetish for guys who are “tattooed” and “homeless looking,” but nothing beats this sublime exchange between Harrison and Emily from the first night of filming:
Harrison: “Are you ready to meet these guys?”
Emily: “Yeah, I’m really ready!”
Harrison: “How many do you think you’ll actually sleep with during this whole thing?”
Emily: “Hopefully all 25. That’d be a success.”
Gotta love a reality TV host who’s in on the joke.
And with that, it’s all over but the crying –and there’s a lot of it in the preview for Sunday’s finale. Can you believe that there’s only three hours left of Emily’s “journey”? (I hope you all will be following me over to the sh–show that is Bachelor Pad, by the way.) In the meantime, let me know your thoughts on tonight’s MTA. There was so much ground they didn’t cover, like Alessandro’s vampire hunting hobby, and Ryan’s unfortunate tank tops. Once again, Tarzan hair guy didn’t even get to speak! And when are we going to get to see Emily’s dress for the Proposal Platform? (You’re not fooling anyone, Team Bachelorette — we all know there’s a proposal.) Post your thoughts below, and be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s blog over on PopWatch. Now put on your Prada shoes and let’s talk Bachelorette!