A trip to Bermuda plunges the guys into a high pressure system, as Arie annoys Doug, Doug annoys Chris, and Ryan annoys everybody.

By Kristen Baldwin
June 05, 2012 at 05:02 AM EDT
ABC

Greetings, rose lovers! Before you read on, please take a moment to watch this PSA from the ISBVH (a.k.a. the International Society of Bats–t Vampire Hunters). It could save your life. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Okay, everybody ready? Great! If it’s morning, that must be Chris Harrison’s voice we hear bellowing from the flagstone courtyard, calling for the “gentlemen” to come hear their fate for the week. (I hope Michael’s fate somehow involves a haircut and a ritual burning of that god-awful yellow headband he’s sporting this a.m.) All I hear is the Charlie Brown teacher voice until these beautiful six words: “a special two-on-one date.” Yep, it’s time for the Awkward Olympics, and even better, it’s all going to take place in Bermuda! In fact, Emily and Ricki are already there, strolling in the turquoise surf. “I can’t wait for the day when I get to come back to Bermuda with my husband,” gushes Emily. “Maybe I’ll be pregnant and pushing a baby stroller.” Good lord, woman — how many children do you want to have?

Enough fantasizing — there’s product placement to be done! The guys roll up on their not-emasculating-at-all little scooters, and Sean informs us that they’ll be staying at the “gorgeous” Rosewood Tucker’s Point resort, and Alejandro insists, “It’s the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen.” But there’s not much time to loaf around enjoying the luxury, because there sits the date card on the Glass-Topped End Table of Doom. Arie pretends that the first one-one-one will be his  — “Let’s get down to the real stuff, not the romance,” he tells the camera — but instead it’s Daddy Doug. Hearing this, poor Alejandro feels as low as those mushrooms he grows in the dirt. “I haven’t really stood out to her,” he sighs. “It’s tougher and tougher to catch up.”

You’d think Doug would be in a good mood after getting the first date, but instead he’s stressed and psyching himself out — or he wants the guys to think he is. “I put my entire life on hold to come down here,” he says grimly. “I don’t know — I’m coming back. I’ll see you guys tonight… hopefully?” The guys start ribbing him for having no confidence, which causes Doug to flush crimson and swear a lot. “It’s super easy to push Doug’s buttons,” notes Arie, who continues to taunt his rival about being “nervous.” It’s only Emily’s sing-songy “Knock knooock!” at the door that keeps Arie from getting punched. Once Doug is out of the house, the racecar driver continues his juvenile mockery: “That was like the hulk,” he smirks. “Doug angry! Doug smash! Doug sad.”

He’s not as sad as he’s going to be. Emily’s plan for the day? Shopping for knickknacks, fudge, and perfume! But Doug plays along pleasantly. “I just like island towns a lot,” he tells her as they leave the glass geegaw store. Later they sit on some church steps and Doug tells Emily that he started a charity to teach his son that one person can, indeed, change the world. “Of course you did,” marvels Emily, shaking her head. “I am, like, more and more impressed with you every day.” But no matter how good the guy looks on paper, even Emily knows that there’s gotta be a few bodies buried under his house. “What happens on your bad days? I’ve never seen you being grumpy or short…” Oh, yes you have, darling! Doug informs the Bachelorette that the whirlpool of testosterone tension she walked into before their date was, in fact, because he was “getting grouchy with the boys.” And she LOVES it. “I am glad that Doug felt comfortable enough with me to tell me what happened with the other guys.” As a reward, she writes a postcard to Doug’s son Austin, who will no doubt treasure this note from a total stranger. (Or maybe he’ll sell it on eBay.)

NEXT: Rough seas ahead on the group date

Knock knock knock! It’s the Accent Table of Doom at the door! And the winners of the group date lottery are: Charlie, Ryan, Chris, Jef, Sean, Arie, Travis, Kalon… which means Alejandro, John/Wolf, Michael (who has traded his dumb yellow headband for a more Bermuda-appropriate dumb turquoise headband), and Nate are in danger of landing the dreaded two-on-one date. So whichever guys end up going, we will most likely be hearing them speak more than one sentence for the first time since the premiere. Meanwhile, over dinner Emily is eyeing Doug warily — is he just too good to be true? “He always has to give me the perfect answer,” she says. “It’s kind of very similar to the way I felt about Brad.” So she starts drilling down: What would his ex-girlfriend’s biggest complaint about him be? “Too much time with my son,” replies Doug, immediately. No! That answer is not sufficiently flawed! Okay, so what was their last fight about? “She used to complain about me not washing her car enough.” Come ON, buddy — give us something we can use here! “I don’t want the perfect answer,” sighs Emily. “I want the honest answer.”

But just when it seems like Doug is going to get a one-way ticket back to Seattle, he asks Emily to list her worst traits. Turns out, they aren’t so flaw-y either: she’s sensitive, stubborn, wears her pajamas in public… “Maybe, just maybe, Doug is just that perfect of a person,” concludes the Bachelorette. Doug gets the rose! But there’s no celebratory first kiss. “If Emily wants a kiss from Doug, she’ll let Doug know she wants a kiss,” says (you guessed it) Doug. But she doesn’t, so they just stare at each other awkwardly until Doug mercy-kills the moment with, “Shall we?”

And there was evening and there was morning — the second date. Emily greets her boys at the dock, where they get a quick sailing lesson and then learn that they’ll be dividing into two teams and racing the boats. The winners get more time with Emily, while the losers have to do the “walk of shame” back to the Reject Minivan. Emily blasts the air horn, and they’re off! Team Red (Charlie, Travis, Sean, and Chris) nearly capsize immediately, but they manages to right their vessel and take a commanding lead. It looks like Team Yellow (Arie, Jef, Ryan, and Kalon) are sunk, but at the midway point of the race they slip their boat into the pole position. (I’m not 100 percent sure what that means, but it’s a car racing term, so it seems appropriate for Arie’s team.) Team Yellow FTW! Don’t cry, Charlie. At least you’re not on the two-on-one date.

And frankly, the post-race cocktail party doesn’t get off to a good start, thanks to Ryan, who raises his glass and makes this meatheaded toast: “To a fun day of racing and a beautiful trophy possible-wife.” Emily responds with a playfully peeved, “Heyyyy!” and then immediately leaves with Arie to make out on the beach. Eventually she peels herself away from his tonsils and fetches Jef, who is ready to step out from the shadows. “I don’t know, like, really where I stand with you or what I mean to you,” he tells her, “but when I think about you, I like you.” She’s eating it up, but Jef starts to push his luck when he boasts about hurting his finger during the sailing race and asks Emily to kiss his boo-boo. Dude, knock it off — I’m sure she gets enough of that at home. But the momentum of their one-on-one comes to a screeching halt after Emily tells Jef he should feel free to open up to her, to which he replies, “I’ll get there. [Pause] Well, should we go back?” Be still my heart!

NEXT: Ryan urges Emily to use The Bachelorette for good, not evil

Ryan is waiting to pounce once Emily returns to the pool. “As the Bachelorette, she’s been given a great responsibility,” he says gravely, “and I want to see her do a lot with it.” (Hmmm… I’m not so sure about responsibility, but Emily’s certainly been given a great wardrobe budget.) Unfortunately he’s not able to go all Obi Wan on the Bachelorette right away, because first she wants some answers about his tasteless bon mots, like “If you ain’t cheatin’, you ain’t tryin'” and “I’ll love you but I won’t love on you as much.” Ryan laughs it off as just being “flirtatious,” and again informs Emily that he’d view the accumulation of any cellulite on her butt as a crime against humanity. “God designed you to be a beautiful woman,” he reasons. Eventually, though, he starts laying down some tough love. “Coming into this I was praying not only for myself, but I was praying for you, that you would use this opportunity to really impact tons and tons of people,” he intones. “There’s going to be tons of young ladies who are going to watch you and see how you respond to men, and how you treat them, and how you treat yourself.” This is all a rambling, self-righteous way of saying I was pissed when you kissed Arie before the rose ceremony. After all, if Ryan really gave a frog’s fat ass about what “young ladies” thought of the Bachelorette’s behavior, he would not be on The Bachelorette. Emily semi-apologizes, but really she’s just so dang mad about society’s double standard! “If this were The Bachelor, nobody would be batting an eye,” she fumes. “I feel like he’s judging me.” He is not the only one, sweetie.

Jef gets the rose. It’s the hard-to-get thing. She LOVES it.

The next day, Emily spends her morning with Ricki counting baby chickens in the bushes and splashing in the pool. Such an idyllic scene! But the Bachelorette’s good mood is tempered by the task looming before her: the two-on-one date. “It makes me really sad that one of these guys is going to get lost out at sea,” she says. She may be the only one who’s sad — is it me, rose lovers, or have Nate and John been complete non-entities so far? Even John admits it: “I’ve gotten to this point based on just not screwing things up.” (Once again Michael with the Tarzan hair has somehow managed to avoid a situation that would force him to speak on camera.) But now is the time for John and Nate to rise above the just-not-screwing-things-up bar and make an impression.

They sail with Emily to Diving Board Island, where they throw themselves off a cliff (sorry, sadists, but there’s water below to catch them). Emily says she’s having a “great” time, but if so we’re not privy to it — basically as soon as we see them plunge into the water Team Bachelor cuts the action right to dinner, which is being hosted by a bunch of dripping stalactites. It is not the most appetizing place for a meal, I’ve gotta say. Emily, Nate and John/Wolf take their seats — which have all be placed on the same side of the table for maximum awkwardness — and toast to “hopefully a great night.” Oh Emily, I think this whole place is screaming Abandon all hope ye who enter here, so I really wouldn’t raise your expectations for a good time too high.

NEXT: Seriously, where did Jef get those socks?

Omigod, you guys, is this quinoa? Thank god Nate is here to break the nearly unbearable tension with his enthusiasm for Bolivian grains. Wolf, however, isn’t having it. “I don’t think I’m ever going to eat it,” he says, as Emily’s head turns back and forth between them, like she’s watching the world’s most uncomfortable tennis match. Eventually Emily pulls Nate aside for some champagne under an ominous rock, where the accountant gives Emily the rundown on his life: He wants 2-3 kids, his parents have been married for 30 years, he worships his brother… aaaand now he’s crying! Oh, and it was going so well, ladies and gentlemen! Better luck next time, sir. Now all John/Wolf has to do to avoid getting the boot is  — what do you know? – just not screw things up! “I’ve never said, ‘Hey, hey! Look at me!'” he admits. Still, he tells Emily, “I think we can click.” Is there any question that John gets the rose?

Hey there, Ricki! Please look into the camera and say you’ve been doing your homework — we don’t want Child Protective Services making a big fuss about mommy bringing you along during her televised husband quest, now do we? Emily arrives at the cocktail party sporting an off-the-shoulder all-white pantsuit thing that kind of looks like something Charlie’s Angels would wear to Fantasy Island. Out of fairness she gives her first one-on-one sitdown to Alejandro, who hasn’t had any time with her all week. He goes right into his sales pitch: “If you keep me around, if you give me that rose, I’m going to absolutely let go, I’m going to show you who I am.” I’m sorry — I’d like to keep talking about this but they just cut to the living room where the guys have gathered and Jef’s outfit has left me completely speechless. I don’t know how to describe it other than business on the top, sexually repressed English schoolboy on the bottom. Where does one even procure slate-blue knee-high men’s hose?

I was so thrown off by Jef’s look that I only half-heard Ryan’s chat with Emily — mainly he flirted shamelessly (“There you go touching my leg again, gollee!”), flattered her obsequiously, and generally tried to determine whether Emily is worthy to be bathed in the musky aura of his awesomeness. He’ll have to finish his assessment later, though, as Arie has swooped in to rescue the Bachelorette from his hirsute rival. While Ryan says he’s “not really worried” about Arie, he should be — Emily is rapidly forming a strong attachment to the speed racer. “Whenever I’m out doing stuff,” she tells Arie, “you’re the person that I think of.”

Breaking news: Tarzan is venting to Ryan! “I didn’t get a date. I’m sitting inside — it’s, like, torture because you can see this beautiful ocean and everyone’s going on these dates…” Unfortunately for Michael, he’s chosen the least sympathetic ear in the house, because all Ryan wants to talk about are the “bigger” things he’s destined for. “I’m involved with the media back home,” he tells Tarzan. “I’m gonna say, let’s do Bachelor Ryan. The Bachelor: Augusta, you know what I mean?” Yeah, we do. But you may want to set your sights a little lower, pal — I think your destiny as it relates to this franchise can be found under a wooden bunk bed on season three of Bachelor Pad.

NEXT: Age ain’t nothin’ but a number

Meanwhile, Chris is making the classic Bachelor/Bachelorette contestant blunder of assuming the rose-holder knows about any of the petty grievances going on in the house. He’s still riled up about his tiff with Doug in the hotel, and Doug is nearly sagging under the weight of the chip on his shoulder when he sits down with Emily for their one-on-one. “When someone says something regarding my age and saying that I’m not ready to be here or to be a father figure or to be a husband, which I am ready for… it upsets me,” he huffs. Emily is all, Um, ok, sure — but Chris will not be placated, dammit! He summons Doug from the living room and confronts him by the pool. “I wanna know why you think that you’re the better man of the two of us for Emily,” he demands. For Doug — who was manipulated so effectively by Arie earlier in the episode — this is an opportunity to push someone else’s buttons for a change. “Okay, Chris, I think you’re kind of being immature right now.” Oooh, burn! Even though Doug’s drunk enough to be slurring juuuust a little bit, he continues to verbally pummel Chris in the nards (“You don’t get my competitive juices flowing at all” and “You’re so insecure”) with an infuriatingly calm demeanor until Chris calls him a liar and storms off.

It’s a theme that keeps coming up; during her pre-rose ceremony sitdown with Harrison, Emily is still working through her concerns that Doug is just too darn good to be true. “He could very well be the most perfect man that God ever put on this planet,” she says. “But anytime I hear about any kind of argument in the house, more often than not it has to do with Doug or Ryan.” That, my dear girl, is what they call a red flag. Speaking of, Emily tells Harrison that she’s justifiably wary of Ryan, too, who she’s realizing is “manipulative.” So will the Pro Trainer make it through another week? Let’s find out!

The “winners” are: Sean, Arie, Travis, Chris, Ryan (d’oh!), Kalon, and Alejandro — which means that Silent Mike and Charlie are heading back to the continental U.S. As for Emily and her male harem, they’re heading to Jolly Old London.

Now it’s your turn, rose lovers! Is Doug hiding something? Do you think Kalon and Jef shop at the same Douchebags ‘R’ Us? Can anyone beat Arie? Who do you think refers to Ricki as “baggage” next week? Post your thoughts now! And be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s exclusive behind-the-scenes blog over on PopWatch when you’re done. Now climb into that scary cave and let’s talk Bachelorette!

Chris Harrison hosts the romance reality contest series. Will you accept this rose?
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