By Kristen Baldwin
June 11, 2019 at 10:00 PM EDT

Bachelorette

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And we’re back, rose lovers! If you’re “tired of hearing about the Luke S. and Luke P. situation” as Dustin is, that’s too darn bad — because we’re still in the thick of it. As you’ll recall, when we left off last week, Hannah had summoned the Lukes to another room. “I just want to hear you both talk to each other about this,” she says. Our Bachelorette needs clarity, y’all! Let’s listen in…

ABC

Yeah, we’re not really getting anywhere. Luke and Luke go around and around, with Luke S. calling Luke P. out for lying, and Luke P. doubling down on his assertion that Luke S. isn’t “a fit” for Hannah. The Bachelorette listens for a bit, discouraged and disgusted, and then gets up and walks out. Even after she’s gone, the Lukes keep bickering… until Harrison arrives with a grim announcement. “This night’s over,” says the host. “We’re going straight to the rose ceremony.”

Cue all the grumbling from the dudes who didn’t get a chance to talk to Hannah. “I know you guys don’t want to hear anything from me right now…” begins Luke P., but all the men cut him off. “We don’t!”

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So, who will go home in the #Lukebowl2019 aftermath? Let’s find out right now! Sorry… looks like Luke S. has something he needs to say. “Um, Hannah, may I talk to you for a moment?” The Bachelorette heaves a heavy sigh. “Yeah, sure.” Don’t worry, Hannah — Luke S. knows he’s lost, so rather than subject you to another he said, he said debate, it seems the wannabe tequila salesman is just going to bow out gracefully. “I’m really sorry if I’ve caused you any pain. It’s just been hard for me to have to defend my character time and time again,” Luke S. says. “I would just urge you to keep your eyes open for… I think you know who I’m talking about.”

Yeah, she does. With that, Luke S. hugs the Bachelorette and heads out, much to the guys’ chagrin. “Good job, Luke P.! Hope that’s what you wanted, buddy,” sneers Garrett, who’s clearly feeling pretty bold with that rose on his lapel. Okay, Team Bachelorette, time to activate Harrison!

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So only nine more dudes will be getting roses tonight, joining Tyler, Jed, and Garrett in the zone of safety. Does this mean Hannah was going to give Luke S. a rose, and now she doesn’t want any of them to have it? Or did producers just want to give the guys a little shock? Either way, it’s time for the rose ceremony roll call: Peter, Connor, Dylan, Dustin, Mike, Kevin, Devin, Grant, and Luke P. (blech) are safe. You know what that means, rose lovers.

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Sorry, John Paul Jones, but you’re audi, dude. (Until Paradise, of course.) The poor guy doesn’t even get a proper exit interview. Boo! (Oh, and Matteo’s gone, too.) “Luke P. is still here because my heart wants him to be here,” says Hannah. “My head doesn’t always want him to be here.”

Oh God — Luke P. wants to make a toast: “To finding our forever, and having the time of our lives while we’re on the hunt.” The hunt? Good Lord. Hannah is so mortified she can’t even make eye contact with any of the guys. Thankfully, Mike breaks the silence with a derisive laugh-cough.

Let’s hope that the Bachelorette will start thinking with her noggin once she and the guys reach their next destination: Inverness, Scotland! It’s the Perfect Place to Fall in Love™ and Hannah hopes heading overseas will be a good way to get a “fresh start.”

After checking in at their castle, the guys gather at a local pub for beers. Hannah arrives and tells everyone it’s time to “reset” so they can all have a “super fun” week. She’s not kidding: Mike (the future Bachelor) gets the first one-on-one date. “The other guys should be on their toes because Hannah’s with me!” announces Mike with a big smile. He and Hannah head out the door, leaving all the other guys to start in on Luke P. “You literally smeared [Luke S.],” says Dylan. “You’re a liar.” Jed then warns Luke P. that he’d better not “cross the line” or start feeding Hannah more heavily-revised versions of the truth. (Jed also calls him “the Luke Ness monster,” which makes me wonder if the show took them all to Scotland just so producers could force somebody to make that terrible pun.)

Mike’s one-on-one date is of the “strolling around a quaint foreign town” variety. They stop at a bookshop, where Mike reads poetry to Hannah — Robert Burns’ “A Red, Red Rose,” naturally. And of course, they just had to check out Mr. Simms Olde Sweet Shoppe (perhaps a relative to Taylor’s Olde Fashioned Soda Shoppe in Stars Hollow?) for some very sour candy called the “Black Death.”

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Yeah, that’s sour. Candy is dandy, but of course, liquor is quicker. A few sample whiskeys later, and Mike and Hannah are feeling no pain. That is until someone gives them some haggis — and only tells them what it is AFTER they eat it. “It’s the intestines of sheep cooked in the skin of the belly of the sheep,” explains a white-haired gentleman helpfully. “It’s not good. I don’t eat it.”

Meanwhile, back at the castle, producers have asked Luke P. to take a long walk on the grounds so they can film the other guys trashing him in their hotel room. “He proved today that you can’t trust anything he says,” complains Garrett. “Luke needs to watch his step,” adds Jed, “because he could cross up the wrong person here.” Not sure what it means to cross someone up, but I’m guessing it’s not good.

Awww, look at how smitten Mike is!

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He and Hannah do seem to have a very relaxed chemistry, though I am a little concerned that he’s more into her than the other way around. (Or maybe I’m just hoping that’s the case, so he can be the Bachelor.)

At dinner, Mike plans to share his feelings and emotions with Hannah, and he’s nervous. “The last time I was this nervous was December 25th, 2013,” he says. “That’s when I told my ex that I loved her.” Okay, so here’s what this tells us: Mike is a fan of grand gestures (dropping the L-bomb on Christmas? That’s Hallmark movie-level romance!), and he has a good memory.

Excuse me — why are there other patrons at this dining establishment? These fake dinners are only supposed to take place in locations that are completely empty.

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Let’s hope they’re not eavesdropping because this conversation is getting real. “I’ve been living my life from man to man, and adapting myself to those relationships, because I didn’t love myself enough,” says Hannah bluntly. It was only through time alone that the Bachelorette became “the person I’m supposed to be.”

Mike is so nervous to Open Up™ that he can barely get through a sentence without taking some cleansing breaths. Finally, he gets some momentum going. “I’m 31 years old, I’ve learned a lot of things in my life, I’ve been around the world, and I truly know who I am,” he says. “I can see myself getting down on one knee in a few weeks, if I’m ever so lucky.” Whoa there, big fella! Let’s not pull a Luke P., okay? Is it me, or does Hannah seem a little taken aback, too? “Thank you,” she giggles. Still, she gives him a kiss — and the date rose. One step closer to Bachelor, baby!

It’s group date time! Devin, Tyler, Jed, Dylan, Grant, Connor, Dustin, Peter, Kevin, and Garrett meet Hannah outside for a date that appears to involve an Outlander crossover.

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Charlie and his bearded buddy are here to put the guys through some Celtic Highland Games. “It’s not just about your strength and physical ability,” he trills in his brogue. “It’s about heart.” It’s also about ax throwing, which none of the guys can do with any degree of skill. (Hannah, of course, hits the target on her first try.) Other Highland Games include carrying buckets of milk and throwing each other to the ground. Fun, right?

Oh no, we’re getting a report that at the hotel, Mike is trying to discuss his concerns with Luke P. — who’s getting the second one-on-one of the week. No, no, no, that’s not a good idea! “I am concerned deeply with what you intend to tell Hannah tomorrow,” Mike says. “Multiple times you’ve questioned if you want to be here…” Luke P. interrupts to deny that he’s ever said such a thing, when literally the night before he was on camera saying, and I quote: “Just to be honest, I’m at the breaking point, where after this I’m going to know if I really want to be here still.”

Mike’s response is perfect. “That’s… crazy.” Yes, yes it is. As is the next bit, where producers have Mike read a passage about the Loch Ness Monster that could also apply to Luke P. himself: There is no doubt something unexplained exists underneath the surface. This monster is cagey and elusive to all but those with the keenest eyes.

ABC

Enough with the literary interludes! Back on the field, the guys are changing into their kilts in the freezing cold (man, production couldn’t swing for a tent or something?) and preparing to battle it out for Hannah’s heart at the Highland Games. Tyler conquers the ax throwing, Jed masters the yoke race (and bathes himself in milk after his victory), and then it’s time for no-underwear wrestling!

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Man, that black box is getting a workout. “I saw your nuts, Connor!” cries a traumatized Dylan. (As for that little girl in the front row, I hope her parents believe in therapy.) After all the sausage-on-sausage action, Jed challenges Hannah to a “match,” which is really just an excuse for him to roll around with her on the ground. He ends up “winning” the Highland Games, and a square foot of land from the Scottish tourism board.

Hannah’s goal for the post-date cocktail party is to “focus on the other individual relationships” without having to worry about Luke P. “being the focus of the evening.” So not only does Hannah recognize that none of the guys like Luke, she also recognizes that Luke is disrupting her whole “journey” — to the point where she basically had to give him a one-on-one so her group date wouldn’t be ruined. Sigh. She may be a tough cookie, as Garrett says, but she’s also got a painfully big blind spot when it comes to Luke.

Right now, though, Hannah only has eyes for Lord Jed. She tries to mount him during their alone time, but her dress doesn’t allow it. “I like being with you,” she says, as Jed gropes her butt. Um, Kevin? You may want to come back another time, buddy.

ABC

“I walked up the stairs and Hannah had, like, Jed pinned down, like, attacking the s—t out of him!” says Kevin glumly. He watched for “10 or 15 seconds” (perv!) and then skulked back down the stairs. “Me and Hannah have not kissed yet.”

Man, what do they put in the water in Inverness? Now the Bachelorette and Peter are practically rutting on the pool table!

ABC

Either that, or Hannah hit her head on that lamp even harder than we thought, and Peter’s just giving her mouth-to-mouth. And when it’s Tyler’s turn to sit down with Hannah, we’re treated to this exchange:

Hannah: “You’re the only one who could wax the ax.”
Tyler: “Could what???”
Hannah: “Wax the ax!”
Tyler: “I thought you said, ‘You’re the only one who can wax my ass!’”

Then Tyler and Hannah go make out on a nearby bed. But it’s Lord Jed who wins the date rose. And hey, it looks like our Bachelorette may have even learned a little something, too! “It would be ignorant of me to ignore the fact that today went so great, and Luke P. wasn’t on this group date,” admits Hannah.

Given that Luke got the grimmest date card message ever — “Luke, let’s figure things out… one way or another” — perhaps it’s time to hope that The Man God Spoke to in the Shower will be heading back to the States soon. Of course, Luke thinks everything’s fine; he interprets the date card as “One way or another, Luke, we’re gonna get through this.”

The guys give Luke a warm send-off (“Listen, be a man and keep our names out your mouth,” warns Garrett), and then he heads out to the countryside. Hannah is waiting for him on a peninsula, perhaps so she can dive into the ocean and escape in case Luke’s company becomes too intolerable. “He doesn’t always express his emotions, he seems like he’s trying to be perfect and it comes off really fake,” she says. “Either today is the first one-on-one with my future husband, or it’s the first and last one-on-one date with Luke.” The second one! The second one, please!

Well, you certainly couldn’t ask for a more picturesque location for a come-to-Jesus talk.

ABC

As they sit on the grass overlooking the blue expanse of the ocean, Luke poses a not-so-innocent question: “Is there anything that you want to talk about?” Dude, you know there is. Hannah says she just doesn’t get why the other guys don’t like him, and Luke goes straight to false contrition. “I could have handled that whole sideline situation a whole lot better,” he begins. “I admit that. I screwed up.”

That’s the only reason the other guys don’t like him, Luke continues, but Hannah isn’t buying it. “It just doesn’t make sense why every single guy had something to say” about you, she presses. Luke’s all, Oh, don’t worry about it. People are just twisting my words around. And because Luke P. told the guys that he would not mention their names on the date, we had to know the exact opposite would happen, right? So, he accuses Dylan and Devin of blowing his actions “way out of proportion.” And when Hannah says she wants to be with a man that people are “drawn to,” Luke literally says that everyone he’s ever met loves him. “I hate sayin’ it,” he drawls, “but it’s the truth.”

Obviously, it isn’t — and now Hannah’s starting to get really annoyed. “Don’t say things like, ‘People love me.’ That makes me so mad!” she fumes. “Do you understand how that sounds?” He doesn’t, honey, but we do. And so does Devin.

ABC

Still, Hannah keeps at it. She wants to know how Luke is feeling, but rather than giving her an answer, he just mumbles something about wanting to give her clarity. “Did I answer that well enough?” he asks. “No!” she shoots back. The Bachelorette excuses herself and walks off to consult with producers. “There’s no feelings behind the things that he’s saying,” she complains. “Can you not express your emotions?” Of course not, woman! He’s basically a sociopath.

“I don’t know how to get out of this,” she vents, while a male and female producer nod sympathetically. “Can somebody talk to him about what it means when I say, ‘How do you feel?’” Oh girl, if you need reality TV producers to coax a human response out of a man who claims to like you, it is time to take this relationship behind the barn and put it down. (To the producers’ credit, they refuse. “You need to talk to him about that!”)

By this time, Hannah’s spirit is completely broken. “Let’s go look at this castle,” she sighs. Luke keeps asking if he can “explain” anything else to her, and she can’t contain her frustration. “I just want to, like, talk to you about, like, normal stuff,” she says wearily. “I just want to know, do you like macaroni and cheese or spaghetti more?” (Spaghetti, obviously.) Like the true gaslighter that he is, Luke goes on to assure Hannah that he would never just tell her what she wants to hear — even though she just told him all he’s doing is telling her what she wants to hear.

For God’s sake woman, why don’t you just send him home??? “I really like Luke P.,” says Hannah. “And I hate admitting it… I want to be able to send him home just like I’ve sent home every other guy that’s pissed me off, but I can’t.” Still, the Bachelorette knows she can’t keep “making excuses” for Luke P., and that if things don’t go well at dinner he’ll have to go.

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The man she marries, Hannah continues, will own up to his flaws. Again, like the true gaslighter that he is, Luke just starts parroting back Hannah’s concerns. “Bottom line, I’ve been trying to be too perfect,” he says sheepishly. With all the guys picking on him, Luke continues, it’s been very hard for him to “let loose” and be himself. “I’m really mad at myself,” he concludes. “I’m just going to be me.”

Oh, if only he had left it at that. Instead, Luke goes on to complain again about how hard it’s been with all the guys saying stuff “that totally is fake and not true.” Even after Hannah literally lists topics for him to talk about — “What makes you mad, what’s your relationship like with your dad, what has hurt you in the past that you still struggle with today” — Luke circles back to how much “pressure” he’s felt over the last few weeks. Oh, and he wants Hannah to know that he loves “every single thing” about her.

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Again, Hannah, I must ask: WHY DON’T YOU JUST SEND HIM HOME? For God’s sake, he just said he doesn’t think he has any traits you don’t like — and you’ve just spent a full day listing all of the things about him you don’t like! Why is he still here, Hannah? Why??? He is not even that hot!

In case you haven’t guessed, we are not getting a rose ceremony tonight. But maybe we’ll get something better? “After today, I don’t feel good,” Hannah tells Luke. “Honestly, today was the worst a day has gone for me.” That’s when she drops the bomb. “Like, I can’t give you this rose.” SMASH CUT to “Next week on The Bachelorette.”

Oh my God, are we free? Are we free of Luke P. at last, rose lovers?

Of course not. In fact, he’s right there in the promo, kneeling before God and praying that his time in the TV spotlight isn’t over. Also of note in the promo: Hannah sobbing in Chris Harrison’s arms (#fanfic).

That was exhausting. We’ve seen Bachelorettes keep jerky guys around before, but never after they’ve spent eight straight hours witnessing their jerkiness in action. Before you go, rose lovers, please help me out here: What is Hannah thinking? Do you think we’ll see Luke S. in Paradise? And did that Irish book shop owner really just make a joke about Mike’s penis size? Post your thoughts below! I’ll see you back here next Monday.

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.

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