The so-called special is mainly old news about former couples, with only a few minutes showing DeAnna and Jesse's relationship-advice session with Trista and Ryan
DeAnna Pappas, The Bachelorette: DeAnna

The Bachelorette: DeAnna

‘The Bachelorette’ recap: Very special leftovers

We’ve been duped! ABC pulled a typical Bachelor and/or Bachelorette move (Brad Womack, DeAnna Pappas, take your pick!) and led us on with last night’s Where Are They Now? special. Okay, sure, maybe like a gullible bachelorette, one of many, I went into last night knowing I may be disappointed. I vaguely remembered an unsatisfying Where Are They Now? special from a few months ago, just before London Bachelor Matt crossed the pond to find fame love with Shayne ”Monkey” Lamas.

Back then we caught up with Bachelors Aaron Buerge (a still single banker who’s building an empire of Trolley’s restaurants, now that he has two); Bob Guiney (now married and often mistaken for Matt Leinart — he wishes! — or Will Ferrell, a former breath of fresh air in the Bachelor/Bachelorette world that now seems a little stale); and Andrew Firestone (and the woman he married just a couple weeks ago). We also got a chance to take another walk of shame with previous bachelorettes who would have done anything (at one time) for those guys. There were memorable nuts like season 5’s gold digger Trish (now married with stepkids and no longer the ”crazy single girl”) and season 9’s Erica Rose (who started a line of tiaras because ”every woman needs a tiara,” to which I respond, ”Every so-called princess needs to look in the mirror before letting her knockers bounce around on national television.” Thank goodness ABC hasn’t stooped to bringing her back for The Bachelorette). There were lesser nuts, some of whom are now engaged, like season 8’s Moana, or married, like season 2’s Brooke and season 2 and 6’s Heather (sadly, the significant others were mute). And then there was ”that girl…whose emotions get out of hand” according to host Chris Harrison: season 2’s Christi, who has settled down with a cute puppy and who told us, ”I know exactly who I am….I’m doing all the things I’ve ever wanted…by myself, for myself….I could live forever without a husband.” We were meant to hear independent women roar when really what came to mind was pre-Mark Darcy Bridget Jones. But why waste any more time talking about what you die-hard fans had already seen? My fellow Bachelor/Bachelorette follower Mandi Bierly summed up that show perfectly when it aired months ago.

Well, she did intentionally leave out the Splenda-sweet Trista and Ryan update, which most of us don’t really need anyway, having already caught up with the perfect pair numerous times in People. She and Ryan (who, like a junior Brad Pitt, is building their dream ”green” house) are living their fairy-tale life in Vail, Colo., but only, as Ryan so thoughtfully pointed out, because ”life done properly is romantic.” They are the series’ only true success story so far. ABC and Chris Harrison can tell us about London Matt and Shayne’s bliss until the cows come home, but I’m still not buying what they’re selling. And the rehashing of their romance montage and appearance last week on After the Final Rose did nothing to convince me otherwise. All I know for sure is that Shayne looked much better during the taping of The Bachelor: London Calling than she does now. I blame the bangs.

NEXT: The Sutter summit

So basically ABC lured us into sitting through 50 minutes of romance montages (DeAnna and Jesse’s, Matt and Shayne’s) and a bunch of blather that we’d already seen, all for less than 10 minutes of Trista and Ryan giving DeAnna and Jesse advice. Why couldn’t they have dragged Matt and Shayne back for this cozy get-together? Maybe because Matt’s too busy moving into his own space, which he claims he needed in order to grow closer to Shayne? Or maybe they’re handling the fame game a little differently than DeAnna and Jesse. Fame was actually, surprisingly, part of Ryan and Jesse‘s bro talk. Ryan basically said to enjoy it while you can (”most people are nice”) but have a plan to retreat to somewhere chill like Colorado. Trista told DeAnna (lady, get thee a personal website, posthaste!) the same thing.

I could only think about the conversations that must have taken place off screen. Where was the dirt? Where was the paparazzi bashing? What about ”here’s what to do when the media glare subsides” and ”here’s how to get back on magazine covers”? And ”here’s how to handle the people who aren’t nice and are basically idiots who want to razz you”? And was it really necessary for DeAnna to throw her legs over Jesse’s in the Sutters’ living room? We know you’re in love, but c’mon, show a little sense of decorum.

I’m still not sure we’ll see a wedding from these two. Jesse told Ryan he’s glad to know that after the helicopters fly away, there can still be love, and I trust good guy Jesse’s intentions (mostly because I love his parents but also because his ability to snowboard with DeAnna on his back made me swoon a little), but I’m not sure what they’ll be like as a pair when the buzz of infatuation and fame fades away. DeAnna said Jesse makes her feel like a 16-year-old; London Matt said the same thing about Shayne (and I don’t see those two walking down any aisles that aren’t lined with a red carpet anytime soon). And I didn’t know what to make of Jesse’s statement that ”hopefully in five years from now, just like Ryan and Trista, we’ll still be in love and maybe have a little bambino on the way too.” ”Hopefully”? Is that ”hopefully we’ll have a little bambino”? Or ”hopefully we’ll still be in love”? Because up until now I haven’t gotten any skepticism or caution from these ”madly in love” (as Ryan called them) lovebirds. But it’s just too soon to really tell, I guess. We’ll know so much more this time next year.

What I can’t wait to know is who’s going to be the next Bachelor. The blogosphere seems hot on Jason or Jeremy. My vote’s always been firmly cast in Chicago Fred’s corner. (C’mon, with a little voice coaching, we can get his accent to acceptable levels.) Or Graham? (The pressure of emoting might make him implode in the first few hours.) Who do you all think would make the best Bachelor? And what did you think about last night’s not-so-”special”? And that ending? Executive producer Mike Fleiss finally got to show us the finale he wanted for Brad Womack. How long do you give DeAnna and Jesse? Will we see a wedding? If we do, will we eventually see a d-i-v-o-r-c-e? And do you think ABC could make a special out of that? Maybe they could bring in Ellen to mediate. Until next time, TV Watchers, I wish you all (including DeAnna and Jesse) nothing but nugs and happiness!

The Bachelorette: DeAnna
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