Here’s the worst possible drinking game idea for The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All, rose lovers: Drink every time someone you don’t recognize speaks. Really and truly, though, do not try this at home, because you will end up in the ER… and then you’d miss all of your “favorite” men getting cheered and booed by the most excitable audience EVER.
Now, dear rose lovers, pour yourselves a glass of rosé (yeah, I know many of you read this in the morning) and enjoy this rundown of the top 10 takeaways from the Men Tell All.
1) There will be a lot of man tears on Paradise.
Sure, we’ll get Ashley and Jared’s engagement, visits from past Bachelors like Arie (oy) and Ben H. (#unlovable), as well as some excellent love triangles (I’m already shipping Kendall the Taxidermist and Joe the Grocer), but the real treat will be watching grown men express their vulnerabilities via salty eye discharge.
2) Team Bachelorette made Lincoln disappear.
The living embodiment of The Bachelorette’s sh—y background-check practices did not appear, nor did anyone utter his name. (The only oblique reference to Lincoln’s existence was Harrison’s joke about the earth being flat during the blooper segment.)
3) Wills is still the GIF #GOAT.
Our future Bachelor (if I keep saying it, it’ll happen) was in wonderful form yet again. Not only did he show up on stage rocking a plaid suit with red suede boots, he also treated us to several of his (should be) patented reaction shots. Some highlights:
Picture-in-picture GIF greatness:
Oh-no-he-didn’t GIF greatness:
“Love you” GIF greatness:
Blooper reel GIF greatness:
4) Jordan: Manic episode, coke bender, or something else entirely?
Talking 100 miles a minute, swiveling restlessly in his chair, making bizarre proclamations like, “If I want to eat Cap’n Crunch and mix it with orange juice, I’ll do whatever I want” — what on earth is going on with Jordan the Male Model? Here’s hoping everything is okay with Captain Underpants. To Jordan’s credit, though, he saw right through Christian’s ruse during their confrontation. “This is your moment, right?” Jordan bellowed at the banker. “You’re accosting me so you can get some camera time… You’re a joke.”
5) Jason is working real hard to become the next Bachelor.
The heartbroken boy from Buffalo gave a gentlemanly performance, thanking the audience for their “awwwws” of sympathy, graciously wishing Becca happiness in her future, and pledging his support to his gay brother and the LGBTQ community in general.
But even before Chris Harrison put him in the Hot Seat, Jason used every chance he could to assert himself as a Team Leader, telling Jean-Blanc he owes Becca an apology, and chiding Jason for “bullying” Jordan the Male Model.
6) This is what a complete loss of dignity looks like (part 1):
7) This is what a complete loss of dignity looks like (part 2):
8) Joe the Grocer remains adorably unaffected by “fame.”
As hard as Harrison tried, Joe gave him nothing but concise, honest-to-a-fault gold. How was your experience on The Bachelorette, Joe? “Uh, it was pretty bad.” What are your interactions like with fans? “They just wanna take pictures.” You don’t seem to want to talk to me right now. “I don’t know you too well.” Cannot wait to see this big lug on Paradise.
9) If I never hear another word about Colton’s virginity, it’ll be too soon.
Really not looking forward to listening to people discuss it endlessly on Paradise. But we have to take the good with the bad, I suppose.
10) The bloopers, as always, were the best part of the MTA.
Every year, Bachelor Nation prays for more bloopers. Heck, how about scrapping the MTA altogether and just giving us two full hours of wipeouts, rumbling tummies, ranch dressing accidents, and flying insect freak-outs?
Welp, it’s all over rose lovers, but the crying — three hours of it next Monday, to be precise. Before you go, let me know your thoughts on tonight’s Tell All action. Did Jason’s me-for-Bachelor campaign win you over? Were you as annoyed as I was to see Venmo John relegated to the credits sequence? And seriously, is Jordan okay? Post your thoughts below. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to buy my husband some red suede boots.
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.