Paul Hebert/ABC
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August 07, 2018 at 10:05 PM EDT

Becca and Garrett have chosen to do the damn thing together. Mazel tov to them, but I think history has taught us that pretty much anyone can fall in love in a matter of weeks and celebrate scoring a big fat engagement ring courtesy of Uncle Neil.

Now Bachelor in Paradise, on the other hand, is way different. It doesn’t take itself too seriously. Everyone knows exactly why they are there and they embrace the meat market. If you don’t believe me, look no further than the opening montage set to the seductive tune of “Almost Paradise.”

There’s Kendall talking to the skull of an animal, Bibiana dropping a mic, Joe bagging some groceries, Jordan (still) showcasing his golden underwear — and my personal favorite, the girls slo-mo pillow fighting on the outdoor beach bed.

See what I mean? It’s just easier if you welcome the crazy into your home four hours per week. Trust me.

What I did find particularly disturbing is our host Chris Harrison raking the sand. Excuse me, ABC, but don’t you have some sort of intern to do that for Mr. Harrison? Shouldn’t he be sipping a Corona while Wells fans him with a palm frond?

Moving on… Harrison wants us to know that this season promises romance, tears, drama, more tears, panic attacks, and tears. It’s also the most emotional season ever, because ABC has gathered all of Arie and Becca’s rejects and pumped them full of alcohol to see if lightning can strike three times in Paradise. If it can happen to Jade/Tanner and Carly/Evan, it can happen to any one of these jokers, surely.

Let’s meet some of the cast.

Kendall (Arie’s season) is our favorite taxidermy enthusiast who just wants people to know she’s more than dead animals and has no intention of stuffing one of those sand crabs as a souvenir. Chris (Becca’s season) is embarrassed everyone saw his Crazy Eddie impression and he wants a do over. He also has a Paradise gang name. You can call him “The Goose.”

Krystal (Arie’s season) suffers from the way she was portrayed last season, and Annaleise (also Arie) suffers from everything, including but not limited to: bumper cars, dogs, sand, thunder, water, red heads, and birds. David and Jordan (Becca’s season) are doing fine. One lives with his mother and the other just wants to drink white wine and watch chick flicks. I’ll let you determine which is which.

Wills (Becca’s season) promises to keep his eyes open this time, and Bibs (Arie’s season) claims, “If my ass gets blurred, I’m doing something right.”

Ladies and gentlemen, Paradise is officially open. Use the appropriate amount of antibacterial hand sanitizer and proceed with caution. (Next: Tia hearts Colton)

( 1 of 3 )

Chris Harrison goes international with a cast of former bachelors and bachelorettes looking for love… and a chance to extend their reality fame.
type
TV Show
seasons
5
Genre
run date
08/04/14
Network
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