We did it, rose lovers. Six weeks, 12 episodes, 25 hours of Bachelor in Paradise down, absolutely zero to go (until next summer). And what a sh—show it has been. Let’s recap, for the final time this year.
We begin in the Tealight Candle Thunderdome, where Chris Harrison promises us “the most exciting television event of the summer.” (Reminder: Fall doesn’t officially begin until Sept. 22, so technically our host could be right.) Before we can get to the sure-to-be awkward-and-full-of-terrible-makeovers reunion show, however, we must wrap up our Paradise “journey” by finding out which, if any couples left engaged.
Poor Annaliese still hopes Kamil is going to propose, but I suppose she should just be happy that he didn’t sneak out of Paradise under the cover of darkness and hop a plane to Papua New Guinea. She’s all, “I know that not only am I the one for you, but you’re the one for me.” And Kamil’s all, “That’s cool, babe, but let’s just see how things go once we get back to the States.” Okay, I’m paraphrasing — Kamil tells Annaliese that he loves her, but he’s not yet ready to get engaged. In a shocking turn of events, Annaliese does not completely lose her mind. “I’m not worried,” she says. “I know that he wants to marry me.” (As we’ll see later, he does not.)
Up next, we have Jordan and Jenna. Though she has been a gigantic ball of nerves and quite wary of jumping into anything, Jenna suddenly wants her male model to put a ring on it. “If Jordan does not propose, I will be crushed,” she says. Once at the proposal platform, Jenna tells Jordan, “You’re all I ever wanted… I love you so much, and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.” Jordan, bless his heart, is visibly nervous as he pledges his love to Miss Coconuts, saying, “I can’t wait to build a family and make all of your dreams come true.” And then…
She says yes! Dammit, rose lovers, why am I crying???
Last and definitely least, we have Chris and Krystal, the “imperfectly perfect pair,” as Krystal calls them. “Chris and I are both afraid of commitment,” she quavers. “Maybe it’s too good to be true.” It’s definitely too something, honey. But of course Chris is not going to turn down the chance to have his quasi-Bachelor moment of glory, so after a groan-worthy fake-out — “It would be unfair to us if I left here today holding your hand, because [excruciatingly long pause] I want to leave here holding your heart” — Chris makes his move. And she LOVES it.
Okay, sure. Congrats. Now let’s leave this crab-infested beach and get to the reunion, shall we? Here’s the latest on our “favorite” “couples” and rivals:
After Paradise, Olivia and Venmo John FaceTimed a bit and spent a weekend together, but ultimately John decided they were better off as friends. At the reunion, Olivia half-heartedly scolds John for not making the “effort” with their “relationship,” and calls John’s decision to publicly FaceTime another Paradise refugee, Chelsea, a “slap in my face.” (Next: Kevin and Astrid meet on the hot seat)