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September 10, 2018 at 10:01 PM EDT

Speaking of filler, it’s time for an update on Cassandra and Kiwi Jordan.


Great. Moving on.

Kendall and Grocery Joe are cuddling on a daybed and talking about the future. “I like you,” says Joe. “I like your soul.” It’s ridiculously sweet, but when Joe brings up the idea of the two of them getting engaged — he’s sort of joking, but sort of not joking, too — Kendall gets visibly uncomfortable and tense. When Joe asks her what’s wrong, her response is awkward and clipped. “I don’t know,” she says. “I just want to sleep on it. I just feel weird, that’s all.” Gurl, sleep on what? The fact that you landed the most loveable and relatable guy this stupid franchise has ever produced?

Look, I’m going to be honest with you. Some other stuff happens next during the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party — John and Diggy compete for Olivia’s affections, and Olivia and Cassandra try to warn Shushanna about Robby — but the only thing that really matters is what goes down between Kendall and Grocery Joe. Our favorite produce-slinging hunk has spent the day worrying about Kendall’s sudden emotional distance. “She’s so involved in her own feelings that she’s literally pushed all mine to the side,” he says sadly. “I went to bed last night having no clue where we stood.”

Seriously, Kendall, what is UP? Finally, she and Joe sit down and talk it out. “I feel like when we were talking about being exclusive, I got a sense of it being not because we generally wanted to,” she says, “but because we felt we had to.” Huh? Girl, I’m sitting on a couch in another country and even I can tell that Grocery Joe is completely without guile. Instead, it’s Kendall whose feelings are not completely there. “Part of me, like, obviously loves you,” she tells Joe. “But I don’t know if it’s in love.”

Kendall goes on to say that Joe has “never expressed” how he feels about her, and the hurt on his face is gutting. “You don’t know how I feel?” he asks incredulously. “I’ve been falling in love with you since day two.” The only reason he hasn’t been dropping l-bombs left and right, Joe continues, is because Kendall talks so much about other boyfriends who “suffocated” her. “The truth is, you don’t know how you feel about me,” says Joe. “You need to stop saying ‘we,’ please.”

Excuse me while I scream into a pillow.

“We’re just not in the same place. That’s what I’ve been scared about this entire time,” Joe continues. Knowing this, Joe has no interest in Paradise. “I’m not staying,” he tells Kendall. “I’m going home.”


Cue the sad piano music, because Grocery Joe is leaving the building. (Or, you know, the collection of huts.) Kendall, meanwhile, is left sobbing on the daybed. “All of a sudden he was saying he had all these feelings and I was the only one who had doubts,” she tells Astrid.”This is stuff that he never told me before.” All of a sudden? WOMAN, IT WAS OBVIOUS HE LOVED YOU! Uh, is it too late to make Grocery Joe the Bachelor?


Having made the biggest mistake of her young life, Kendall climbs into the Rejector SUV and weeps. “I just want to see him again,” she sobs. “I’m just gonna miss him so much.” There, there, you fool — you’ll see him tomorrow night at the reunion episode.

As for the rest of you, let’s just get this rose ceremony over with: Cassandra gives her rose to Kiwi Jordan, Shushanna gives her rose to Robby, Annaliese gives her rose to her “boyfriend” Kamil, Astrid gives her rose to Kevin, Krystal gives her rose to Chris, Jenna gives her rose to Jordan, and Olivia gives her rose to Venmo John. Sorry, Diggy — thanks for playing!


Such good trolling this week, Team Paradise. Kudos. (Next: Not Astrid and Kevin, too!)

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Chris Harrison goes international with a cast of former bachelors and bachelorettes looking for love… and a chance to extend their reality fame.
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