It’s been a long, sweaty “journey,” rose lovers, but we’ve almost made it to the end of Paradise. However, before you start fantasizing about the nearly five-month break we’ll have between the Paradise finale and the start of The Bachelor (or… am I the only one who does that?), we must turn our attention to the onslaught of end-of-season breakups and breakdowns.
The week begins with a date card, and it goes to the First Couple of Paradise, Jordan and Jenna. The card instructs them to get “camera ready,” and when they arrive at the date, this gentleman is waiting for them.
Yep, it’s time for some fake “engagement photos!” Jordan, of course, is happier than a Florida-based Wilhelmina model in a Macy’s menswear circular, but Jenna finds the whole thing pretty stressful. “I’m nervous about how I feel about Jordan,” she confesses. “I’m nervous about being nervous.” And that’s before the photographer asks her to change into this:
The move from fake engagement photos to fake wedding photos has Jenna in anxiety overdrive. “I’m scared,” she tells Jordan. “I just want to know that you’re here, all the way.” The male model, who has developed into a dream boyfriend over the past few weeks, assures Jenna that if she left him, “there would be no more romance.” Awwww. She LOVES it.
“I can actually picture a pretty healthy, fun relationship in the future with him,” says Jenna, before getting slammed by a wave and nearly losing her borrowed wedding dress entirely.
But just as Jordan can see his happily-ever-after Paradise ending with Jenna on the horizon, who walks down the steps but this guy:
A+++ on the chyron work there, Team Paradise. Amazing stuff. But the only influence Robby seems to have on his new castmates is to make them feel a mild wave of disgust. “Why is Robby Hayes here?” asks a clearly skeeved-out Cassandra. “Every single girl here knows his reputation. It’s not a good one.” Shushanna, on the other hand, is ready to “double-tap that.”
One by one, the women tell Robby that they’re in relationships and therefore off-limits, though Jenna is a bit more colorful with her language. “Jordan might peel your skin off and cook it,” she informs Robby with a throaty chuckle. Indeed, once Jordan finds out that the social media influencer asked Jenna out, he decides to go talk to his rival — but the “Ken-doll showdown” we were promised in the promos turns out to be a fairly polite conversation. Things are so solid with him and Jenna, says Jordan, that if Robby took her out “it would be a waste of a date card.”
Hearing this, Robby moves on to his next best (a.k.a. only) other option: Shushanna. And that’s when things get [cue the haunted house sounds] spoooooooky. First, a bottle of champagne (that in no way was left out in the hot, hot sun and then shaken vigorously by a Paradise intern) unexpectedly explodes on Wells at the bar. And then, during Robby and Shushanna’s outdoor dinner, fruit starts falling from the trees.
Oh, the horror! Yeah, well… it’s week 6, and producers still have four hours to fill, so what did we expect? (Next: Did Kendall seriously just break up with Grocery Joe?)