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September 04, 2018 at 10:01 PM EDT

We made it, rose lovers! Five full hours of Bachelor in Paradise drama — plus a [insert your own adjective here] announcement about the new star of The Bachelor. It’s a wonder we’re all still drawing breath. So pour yourself a congratulatory glass of rosé and let’s recap week five, shall we?

Monday night in Paradise
An unexpected breakup sends everyone into a collective emotional tailspin. As Chelsea says, “Paradise has been shooketh!”

Angela and Eric and Cassandra
No, you didn’t dream it — Eric “Miracle Season” Bigger did, in fact, give his Paradise steady Angela the proverbial finger by accepting a date from newcomer Cassandra. Irony alert: Now he’s eating popsicles with Cassandra and telling her he looks for “consistency” and “honesty” in a life partner. Meanwhile, Angela is bawling her eyes out back at the beach. When Eric and Cassandra return that night, he all but ignores Angela — much to the consternation of all the women. Once they do finally sit down to talk, Eric continues his BS explanation of “sorry not sorry but I woke up horny.”

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To make matters worse, Eric blames the whole situation on Angela, saying she wasn’t giving him enough “all in” vibes. Ugh, go home, Eric’s reasoning — you’re drunk. But Angela doesn’t get mad, she gets even by giving Cassandra a heads up about Eric’s duplicitous ways: “He literally told me last night, ‘I’m not gonna go on a date with anyone else.’” Eric tries to do damage control by telling Cassandra that Angela took his words “out of context,” but as you can see, she’s not buying it.

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She tells Eric that their relationship is now “tarnished” and “icky” – though she still accepts his rose at the end of the episode.

Colton and Tia
The week begins with Tia thanking her lucky stars that she and Colton are “on the same page” and that she’s not going to get “blindsided” like poor Angela. I think you know what that means, rose lovers: Colton’s having second thoughts, just in time for ABC’s Bachelor announcement! “I don’t think my heart’s in it right now with Tia,” he tells Kevin. “I want her to be so happy… but I’m not happy with it.”

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“My whole life, that’s all I want to do is please people,” says Colton tearfully. “And the only person I hurt is myself, by staying in things.” Exactly, buddy! It’s not too late to choose yourself over producers — really! But first, you gotta break Tia’s heart… again.

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“You deserve somebody who’s gonna be crazy about you every single day,” he says sadly. “I just know what you deserve, and I can’t give it to you.” Oh Lord — however you feel about Tia, it’s no fun to watch her cry her eyes out over Colton for the 37th time. All things considered, she handles it pretty well. “You need to figure yourself out,” she tells Colton, “so you can fully give yourself to someone” on national TV in about six months. (I’m paraphrasing that last part.) After a very tearful goodbye on both sides, Tia and Colton pack their bags and board separate SUVs out of Paradise. The man producers think is ready to be the Bachelor spends his ride to the airport weeping and declaring that there’s “something wrong” with him and that he’s “broken” because he couldn’t force himself to love Tia. Yep, nothing to see here, folks — everything’s fine! (Next: Please welcome Hurricane Shushanna)

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Chris Harrison goes international with a cast of former bachelors and bachelorettes looking for love… and a chance to extend their reality fame.
type
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seasons
5
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run date
08/04/14
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