By Kristen Baldwin
September 04, 2018 at 10:01 PM EDT
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We made it, rose lovers! Five full hours of Bachelor in Paradise drama — plus a [insert your own adjective here] announcement about the new star of The Bachelor. It’s a wonder we’re all still drawing breath. So pour yourself a congratulatory glass of rosé and let’s recap week five, shall we?

Monday night in Paradise
An unexpected breakup sends everyone into a collective emotional tailspin. As Chelsea says, “Paradise has been shooketh!”

Angela and Eric and Cassandra
No, you didn’t dream it — Eric “Miracle Season” Bigger did, in fact, give his Paradise steady Angela the proverbial finger by accepting a date from newcomer Cassandra. Irony alert: Now he’s eating popsicles with Cassandra and telling her he looks for “consistency” and “honesty” in a life partner. Meanwhile, Angela is bawling her eyes out back at the beach. When Eric and Cassandra return that night, he all but ignores Angela — much to the consternation of all the women. Once they do finally sit down to talk, Eric continues his BS explanation of “sorry not sorry but I woke up horny.”

ABC

To make matters worse, Eric blames the whole situation on Angela, saying she wasn’t giving him enough “all in” vibes. Ugh, go home, Eric’s reasoning — you’re drunk. But Angela doesn’t get mad, she gets even by giving Cassandra a heads up about Eric’s duplicitous ways: “He literally told me last night, ‘I’m not gonna go on a date with anyone else.’” Eric tries to do damage control by telling Cassandra that Angela took his words “out of context,” but as you can see, she’s not buying it.

ABC

She tells Eric that their relationship is now “tarnished” and “icky” – though she still accepts his rose at the end of the episode.

Colton and Tia
The week begins with Tia thanking her lucky stars that she and Colton are “on the same page” and that she’s not going to get “blindsided” like poor Angela. I think you know what that means, rose lovers: Colton’s having second thoughts, just in time for ABC’s Bachelor announcement! “I don’t think my heart’s in it right now with Tia,” he tells Kevin. “I want her to be so happy… but I’m not happy with it.”

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“My whole life, that’s all I want to do is please people,” says Colton tearfully. “And the only person I hurt is myself, by staying in things.” Exactly, buddy! It’s not too late to choose yourself over producers — really! But first, you gotta break Tia’s heart… again.

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“You deserve somebody who’s gonna be crazy about you every single day,” he says sadly. “I just know what you deserve, and I can’t give it to you.” Oh Lord — however you feel about Tia, it’s no fun to watch her cry her eyes out over Colton for the 37th time. All things considered, she handles it pretty well. “You need to figure yourself out,” she tells Colton, “so you can fully give yourself to someone” on national TV in about six months. (I’m paraphrasing that last part.) After a very tearful goodbye on both sides, Tia and Colton pack their bags and board separate SUVs out of Paradise. The man producers think is ready to be the Bachelor spends his ride to the airport weeping and declaring that there’s “something wrong” with him and that he’s “broken” because he couldn’t force himself to love Tia. Yep, nothing to see here, folks — everything’s fine! (Next: Please welcome Hurricane Shushanna)

Jordan and Jenna
Perhaps most shooketh by the Tia and Colton breakup is Jenna, who flings herself onto a daybed and begins sobbing. Jordan sweetly comes to comfort her: “I’m stickin’ by my hot baby named Jenna, okay?”

Awwww. I’m legitimately rooting for these two — and yes, I know that’s insane. And just as Jordan is relaying this whole interaction to the camera, Venmo John wanders in after an epic nap and is all, “I haven’t seen Colton and Tia for awhile.”

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“Really?” John says. “Can they do that?” Yep, once the Bachelor Interns give them back their passports.

Astrid and Kevin
While everyone else is wigging out about the Colton-Tia-Angela-Eric drama, Kevin takes a deep breath and decides to focus on the positive. “I’m sitting here in Mexico, I watched the most epic sunset with you tonight,” he says. “I just wanted to make sure after a really long day that you know that I’m falling in love with you.” And she LOVES it.

Awwww. Now I’m legitimately rooting for these two, as well — and yes, I know that’s insane.

It’s Raining Women
On Monday we welcomed not one, but two women: Shushanna, the Armenian beauty from Ben’s season (and season 3 of Paradise); and Christen Whitney from Nick’s season (and The Proposal, and last season of Paradise, where she was ruthlessly mocked by mean girls for enjoying scallops).

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The “ladies” are not pleased to have two more women in the mix in a week where the guys have the roses. “F— this,” mutters Olivia, speaking for them all. Whose lives do Shusanna and Christen decide to toy with? Read on.

Annaliese and Kamil and Shushanna
Poor, poor Annaliese. Minutes after she tells the camera that she and Kamil are “one of the strongest couples in Paradise,” Kamil tells Shushanna that he and Annaliese are “in the friendship zone.” Ouch. Shu gets straight to the point, asking Kamil if he’d move to Utah and admitting that she stalked him on Instagram. What guy doesn’t love to hear that? Of course, he agrees to go with Shushanna on a date… but not before telling Annaliese exactly what she wants to hear: “I’m really still into you. Don’t forget that.” Oh Lord, will someone get Annaliese some tissues?

“You can’t live in fear,” Chelsea tells her. Um, have you MET Annaliese? She absolutely can and does live in fear, every minute of every day.

When Kamil, Shushanna, John, and Christen finally do return from their double date, all the other Bippers grab their popcorn and prepare to watch a full-scale Annaliese meltdown — but instead, they get this:

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That’s right, kids! For once, something went right for Annaliese. Kamil tells her that his “connection” with Shushanna was not there, and they head to bed for some night-vision cam snuggling.

The Ashley I. and Jared Interlude
While Shushanna and Kamil are out on their double dates with Christen and John, Chris Harrison shows up in Paradise and orders everyone into the rose palapa. He announces two “new arrivals” — but don’t worry, it’s just “Paradise success story” (LOL) Ashley and Jared, who are here to decide which remaining couple will get to go out on a date. If you didn’t watch Bachelor Winter Games… well, for one thing, you’re not alone, and for another, you may not know that in between weeping about why Jared didn’t love her, Ashley I. had a brief “relationship” with Canadian Kevin — and apparently cheated on him.

If that’s not awkward enough, the real reason Ashley and Jared have been summoned to Paradise is so Jared can do this:

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Welp, congrats I guess? I think Jenna puts it best: “This can really work if you pursue it. Mercilessly. For years.”

The only one who doesn’t want to raise a glass to the new couple is Kevin, who feels like having to watch his ex get engaged in front of him was “a little bit of a slap in my face.” Of course it was, buddy – that’s why the producers did it! But they’re gonna make it up to you by giving you and Astrid a night out on the town. And that’s when something truly exciting happens:

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Did you hear that, rose lovers? Kevin and Astrid just dropped mutual L-bombs! So what if it’s only been, like, 11 days — Paradise can work! (Next: Meet the Spawn of Paradise)

Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony
With four women going home, everyone’s feeling tense as Harrison kicks off the evening in the rose palapa. Will Kamil choose Shushanna or “the blonde girl”? Will John choose Olivia or Christen? Will Eric choose Cassandra or Angela? More importantly, will someone explain why so many women in Paradise have the same earrings?

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Must have been a sale in the hotel gift shop. Anyhow, Shushanna gives it her last best effort with Kamil, but he admits that he didn’t feel a connection on their date — primarily because she had her walls up. (It’s always the woman’s fault, isn’t it?) Shushanna takes it way too hard, moaning, “Why can’t I ever be loved?”

The Olivia-John-Christen triangle continues throughout the cocktail party, as both “ladies” pull him aside for smooches and “I’m here for you” assurances. Little do they know that Harrison’s about to throw another rose into the mix, courtesy of this guy:

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Huh. This is Jordan from New Zealand. He was on Bachelor Winter Games, but at that time he had hair. Jordan has one hour to decide which lonely lady he wants to give a rose to. He’s not here to f— spiders, y’all.

Chelsea tries to get his attention, but she’s intercepted by Shu, so she seeks out Kamil and makes a play for him. Kamil once again says he and Annaliese are “just friends,” and he tells Chelsea he finds her “very attractive.” A few minutes later, the camera catches Kamil getting dance lessons from Christen, even as Annaliese is gushing to Chelsea about how secure their relationship is!

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Incredible shot, Team Paradise. Kudos.

In the end, though, the roses go about as you’d expect: Kevin gives his to Astrid, “American” Jordan gives his to Jenna, Chris gives his to Krystal, Joe gives his to Kendall, Eric gives his to Cassandra, Kiwi Jordan gives his to Shushanna, John gives his to Olivia, and Kamil gives his to Annaliese (with some BS line about knowing the moment they met that they’d be together). This means we must say goodbye to Christen, Angela, and poor Chelsea, who simply can’t believe that she spent all this time away from her son only to leave Paradise alone.

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But Chelsea’s misery goes largely unnoticed by the group because Christen suddenly feels lightheaded and needs a medic. Maybe when they’re done giving Christen oxygen they can pass some over to Chelsea — if she keeps hyperventilating like that she’s going to black out.

And with that, rose lovers, Monday’s episode is FINALLY over. Three hours down, two more to go!

Tuesday Night in Paradise
The end is near, so it’s time to bring in some Paradise veterans to decide which couple deserves an “epic” date.

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Look guys, we’re on hour four here, so let’s just cut to the chase: Kendall and Grocery Joe get the date. And by “date” I mean…

ABC

That’s right! Joe and Kendall will be babysitting the Spawn of Paradise — Evan and Carly’s baby, Bella, and Tanner and Jade’s baby, Emmy — while the two OG couples head out for a much-needed spa day. The babysitting goes about as well as you’d expect.

ABC

Poor Emmy is not having it — though she calms down a bit when Joe passes her to Kendall. (Bella, meanwhile, seems incredibly chill. Congrats, Carly and Evan.) After being freed from their babysitting duties, Joe and Kendall are treated to a date night… on another beach somewhere. So much for a change of scenery. (Next: Single white Shushanna)

Jenna and Jordan
These two have baby fever! If only they could agree on names. Jenna likes “Tucker” for a boy, but Jordan scoffs that “Tucker’s the kind of guy that has a f—ing man-bun.”

Eric and Cassandra
Someone’s having second thoughts! No, not Cassandra — though she absolutely should be. Instead, Eric must have had another one of those transformative sleeps, because this morning he just wants to be friends with Cassandra, the woman he dumped his Paradise girlfriend for. “I just don’t think that you’re ready for a relationship at all,” sighs Cassandra, stating the incredibly obvious.

Miraculously, Eric realizes that Cassandra is right. “Angela leaving really hit me hard,” he admits. “The best decision is just to leave Paradise and move on.” He rouses Cassandra from her nap to say goodbye, and then tearfully breaks the news to the rest of the Bippers. Maybe I’m being cynical, but do you think Eric left so he’d have a shot at being the Bachelor? Welp, either way, we all know that’s not gonna happen… this year at least.

Chris and Krystal
If there is one couple we all wanted to see get a date card… it is literally any other couple than these two. But Chris sure is excited, because he can’t wait to tell Krystal that he loves her. And just as he’s about to pour his heart out, guess who comes to interrupt:

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“That scared the s— out of me!” says Chris. Still, he shakes it off and confesses his love to Krystal, and wouldn’t you know it, the Glitter Queen feels the same way. Congrats to the least likable couple in Paradise. Hit it, musician whose name is apparently Ben Rector!

Annaliese and Kamil and Shushanna
While these two seem to be fine (I mean, he’s still sort of into her, while she’s ready to marry him and have 10,000 of his babies), the specter of Shushanna is still casting a veil of gloom over their relationship. “I always catch Shu staring at me,” says Kamil. “It’s like an owl… It’s creepy.”

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Also creepy? Shushanna’s suggestion for the next “truth” question in the gang’s game of Truth or Dare: “Did you ever want to kill someone?” Ha ha ha, she’s kidding, everybody! She also absolutely believes that Kamil is still interested in her, despite his claims to the contrary. 

Given Shu’s obsession with Kamil, things aren’t looking very good for New Zealand Jordan. Even when he gets the date card and asks Shu to go with him, she rolls her eyes and tells him to ask Cassandra instead. “Shu’s walking that fine line between persistent and cray-cray,” notes Kevin wisely.

Hey Kamil, why don’t you tell Shu again how you’re feeling?

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“I just can’t see it working between us,” he explains. But Shu thinks she can wear Kamil down — after all, Evan wore Carly down! Ashley wore Jared down! It can be done, people. “Everything is possible,” she says.

Dafuq it is! thinks Annaliese, who marches over to tell her rival to back off. First, she tells Shushanna that Kamil is “off limits,” and then — in what seems like a dubiously-edited exchange — she suggests that Shu is “doing witchcraft” to break up her relationship with Kamil. “Do I look like a f—ing witch?” snaps Shushanna. But she’s more hurt than angry; first Ashley I. called her “Euro-trash” the last time she was in Paradise, and now this.

There there, babushka. It’s not quite last call yet — Diggy from Rachel’s season is here! What’s that? You’re still obsessed with Kamil and don’t want to go on a date with Diggy? Sure, that’s totally fine and not crazy at all.

Fortunately, Shu’s good friend Olivia is there to convince her that Kamil isn’t the guy for her — the guy she’s really meant to be with is… Kiwi Jordan. Olivia tells Shu that she and Kiwi Jordan “looked right” together — and suddenly, Shushanna is all about it. “I think it will be perfect!” Sure, that’s also totally fine and not crazy at all. (Next: Venmo John eats carbs?)

John and Olivia and Diggy
Oh Lord, did anyone need to see these two recreate Evan and Carly’s disgusting jabañero pepper kiss?

ABC

The seeds oozing out of their mouths are a nice touch, Team Paradise. You should be proud. “That was a terrible f—ing idea!” screams Olivia, as she runs to the bar to get water.

The next day, a different part of Olivia catches fire… when Diggy arrives on the beach. “I did hope to see you in Paradise,” she giggles. So when Diggy asks her out, she’s happy to go — and they’re both happy to spend the evening making out. As for Venmo John, he doesn’t seem too worried.

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HOW is a guy with those abs eating carbs? Amazing.

The sad coda of Shushanna and Kiwi Jordan
Perhaps Grocery Joe explained it best when he said Shu only wants what she can’t have. And wouldn’t you know it, by the end of Tuesday’s episode, Shushanna has turned her laser-focused obsession toward the guy who gave her a rose in the first place. But not before burning a framed photo of Kamil that someone in production conveniently had on hand.

ABC

Once Kiwi Jordan returns from his date with Cassandra, Shu asks him to join her for a fireside chat. After admitting she was jealous that he went out with someone else, she and Jordan sit in silence for 11 long seconds. Eventually, Kiwi Jordan tells Shu that he wants to spend more time with Cassandra “and see what happens.” This sends our Armenian head case into a paroxysm of tears, and poor Kiwi Jordan is left to comfort her with a “you’ve got so much to offer” pep talk.

This is what we’ve been reduced to, rose lovers: Watching the drama between a foreign Bachelor we’ve never heard of and a minor Bachelor contestant we can barely remember. Is summer over yet? Not quite — just two more episodes left! If you can summon the strength, hit the comments below and let me know who you want to see get “engaged” next week.

Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on ABC.

Chris Harrison goes international with a cast of former bachelors and bachelorettes looking for love… and a chance to extend their reality fame.
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