What a week, rose lovers! Jordan continued to entertain with this outfits and freak-outs, a stuntman came between Kendall and Grocery Joe, and we said goodbye to four “ladies.” Let’s recap week 3 of Bachelor in Paradise:
Tia and Chris and Krystal
When last we left Tia, she was storming over to cook Chris’s goose because he kissed Krystal. Chris’s strategy in the face of this confrontation with the truth seems to be of the “Jedi mind trick” variety, because he tries to assure Tia that kissing Krystal doesn’t mean that everything he said about being committed to her is a lie. Yeah, she’s not buying it.
“I don’t believe you,” she replies. Fortunately, Chris’s attempts at gaslighting Tia — “there’s no facts” and “you’re making no sense” — do not work, and when Krystal wanders up to become the third point to this triangle, Tia does her best to warn her that Chris is talking out of both sides of his scruffy face. Upon witnessing this tense discussion, Krystal knows exactly what to do.
Girl, pour one for me, too. Chris goes on to inform Tia that she can’t dump him because he already dumped her — she just didn’t know it yet! What an asshat. Krystal almost has enough sense to flee from Chris while she has the chance, but there’s something between them that she “can’t refuse,” and they end up making out on the beach bed. “They’re like the two crazies who just deserve each other in the corner,” says Kevin. Krystal gets Chris’s rose. (Also, it’s a Roth IRA, not an “IRA Roth,” you nincompoops.)
Tia and Colton (again)
Of course, now that Chris has shown himself to be a tool of epic proportions, Tia’s love pendulum swings right back to Colton. “I want to date him!” she announces. Wouldn’t you know it, that’s juuuuust when Jacqueline the psychiatry grad student from Arie’s season shows up. And wouldn’t you know it, she feels a “gravitational pull” toward Colton. But — twist! — when Jacqueline asks Colton to go on a date, he says no, because he doesn’t want to make Tia feel bad.
“All my eggs are in his basket, but he doesn’t even have a f—ing basket!” Tia huffs. Honestly, both of you just need to go home… but something (in the form of a whole bunch of producers begging, most likely) pushes Colton to give it the ol’ college try with Tia. And she LOVES it.
They share a celebratory kiss, though Tia has some constructive criticism for her new man: “Like, use your tongue!”
Their happiness is short-lived, of course. On Tuesday’s episode, Raven (a.k.a. Other Tia) arrives with her Paradise season 4 beau, Adam, but she doesn’t have anything encouraging to say about Tia’s new relationship. “Colton’s past dating history has been the ‘It Girl,’” she says, implying that the former football player is just chasing the limelight via reality TV dating shows. Raven tearfully urges Tia to listen to her “God-given woman’s intuition,” and then offers this chilling warning: “If this ends badly, I’ma cut his penis off, and then he can’t ever lose that virginity!” She means it, too.
Chastened, Tia implores Colton to be honest with her about his feelings: “I’d rather you hurt my feelings with the truth than comfort me with bulls—.” Colton agrees – I think the poor shmuck means it, too – and then asks Tia to be his girlfriend. Great — now can we stop spending 75 percent of Paradise’s weekly running time on their drama? Thanks. (Next: Jordan’s in the doghouse)