What a week, rose lovers! Jordan continued to entertain with this outfits and freak-outs, a stuntman came between Kendall and Grocery Joe, and we said goodbye to four “ladies.” Let’s recap week 3 of Bachelor in Paradise:
Tia and Chris and Krystal
When last we left Tia, she was storming over to cook Chris’s goose because he kissed Krystal. Chris’s strategy in the face of this confrontation with the truth seems to be of the “Jedi mind trick” variety, because he tries to assure Tia that kissing Krystal doesn’t mean that everything he said about being committed to her is a lie. Yeah, she’s not buying it.
“I don’t believe you,” she replies. Fortunately, Chris’s attempts at gaslighting Tia — “there’s no facts” and “you’re making no sense” — do not work, and when Krystal wanders up to become the third point to this triangle, Tia does her best to warn her that Chris is talking out of both sides of his scruffy face. Upon witnessing this tense discussion, Krystal knows exactly what to do.
Girl, pour one for me, too. Chris goes on to inform Tia that she can’t dump him because he already dumped her — she just didn’t know it yet! What an asshat. Krystal almost has enough sense to flee from Chris while she has the chance, but there’s something between them that she “can’t refuse,” and they end up making out on the beach bed. “They’re like the two crazies who just deserve each other in the corner,” says Kevin. Krystal gets Chris’s rose. (Also, it’s a Roth IRA, not an “IRA Roth,” you nincompoops.)
Tia and Colton (again)
Of course, now that Chris has shown himself to be a tool of epic proportions, Tia’s love pendulum swings right back to Colton. “I want to date him!” she announces. Wouldn’t you know it, that’s juuuuust when Jacqueline the psychiatry grad student from Arie’s season shows up. And wouldn’t you know it, she feels a “gravitational pull” toward Colton. But — twist! — when Jacqueline asks Colton to go on a date, he says no, because he doesn’t want to make Tia feel bad.
“All my eggs are in his basket, but he doesn’t even have a f—ing basket!” Tia huffs. Honestly, both of you just need to go home… but something (in the form of a whole bunch of producers begging, most likely) pushes Colton to give it the ol’ college try with Tia. And she LOVES it.
They share a celebratory kiss, though Tia has some constructive criticism for her new man: “Like, use your tongue!”
Their happiness is short-lived, of course. On Tuesday’s episode, Raven (a.k.a. Other Tia) arrives with her Paradise season 4 beau, Adam, but she doesn’t have anything encouraging to say about Tia’s new relationship. “Colton’s past dating history has been the ‘It Girl,’” she says, implying that the former football player is just chasing the limelight via reality TV dating shows. Raven tearfully urges Tia to listen to her “God-given woman’s intuition,” and then offers this chilling warning: “If this ends badly, I’ma cut his penis off, and then he can’t ever lose that virginity!” She means it, too.
Chastened, Tia implores Colton to be honest with her about his feelings: “I’d rather you hurt my feelings with the truth than comfort me with bulls—.” Colton agrees – I think the poor shmuck means it, too – and then asks Tia to be his girlfriend. Great — now can we stop spending 75 percent of Paradise’s weekly running time on their drama? Thanks. (Next: Jordan’s in the doghouse)
Jordan and Jenna and Benoit
Of course, Jenna loves Jordan’s sleeveless red floral suit — it shows off his chest hair. He loves all her quirks — even when she squirts coffee into his mouth while they kiss. Unfortunately for Jordan, David is still obsessed with him, so before the cocktail party he pulls Jenna aside and gives her a giant stuffed dog — just like the giant stuffed dog Jordan gave Annaliese last week.
All David really wants from this is a reaction from Jordan (and more camera time, of course) — and he gets both. The male model emerges out of nowhere and grabs the stuffed dog off the couch and hurls it into the ocean. Jenna is understandably nonplussed by Jordan’s outburst — which, by the way, isn’t over. When Jordan hears Chelsea and Jubilee “chirping” about his behavior, he lays into them for being “envious” and tops it off with a little “shut the f— up!” Both “ladies” are taken aback by his aggression.
Though Jenna wants Jordan’s rose, she’s understandably concerned about his temper and disrespectful behavior. “The good feelings do not outweigh the fits,” she says with a sigh. “It’s just stressing me out.” After he apologizes to the group, though, Jenna accepts his rose.
Things get bumpy again on Tuesday, with the arrival of this guy:
What, you don’t remember Benoit from The Bachelor Winter Games? The guy who was engaged to Clare for a hot second? You are not alone. Even though most of the women don’t recognize Benoit, his French accent has them swooning — so when he asks Jenna on a date, she can’t say yes fast enough.
Though Benoit seems pretty bland, Jenna is positively giddy around him, and she even manages to turn his quickie engagement to Claire into a positive: “I feel like that’s just telling that he’s open to committing.” They smooch over plates of untouched food — a make-out session that leaves Benoit looking like a tragic, bearded clown.
When Jenna and Benoit return from their date, Jordan is waiting for them — somewhat creepily — alone by the pool. He wants her to see a message he’s scrawled for her in the sand: “I’M SORRY,” in big, please-forgive-me letters. It’s a sweet gesture, but Jenna is torn: “I feel like this is gonna be complicated.” Damn right — the producers are counting on it.
Eric and Angela
They got barely any screen time this week, so let’s assume everything is fine. (Next: Leo comes between Kendall and Grocery Joe)
Kevin and Astrid
This duo is as solid as a giant sausage.
Kendall and Grocery Joe and Leo
On Monday, Kendall and Grocery Joe were sheer perfection, as always. On Tuesday, Leo — an allegedly problematic contestant from Becca’s season of The Bachelorette — shows up, sporting a pink pineapple shirt and holding a date card. Jenna thinks he looks like an “ideal” mate and Chelsea nearly bursts into flames upon seeing him — but Leo sets his sights on Kendall, and she actually says yes when he asks her on a date. I may or may not have screamed “Nooooo!” at my TV when this happened, and poor Grocery Joe looks none too pleased either.
“It’s so early on in this, I feel like it would be detrimental to myself no to accept a date,” Kendall tells Joe, to which he replies, “Well, I just hope it goes bad.” God, I love that man.
I have some good news and some bad news for you about Leo and Kendall’s date. The good news: Jorge’s there! The bad news: He’s shooting “cover” photos for the “romance novel” that he “wrote,” and he needs Kendall and Leo to assume a variety of provocative poses for the pictures. And now here’s the terrible news: Producers thought it would be funny to shoot a dramatic reenactment of Jorge’s novel, starring a bunch of “fan favorites.”
The less we say about this whole thing, the better. As for the date, the canoodling and smooching continues — on and on and on — even after the “photo” “shoot” is over.
Back on the beach, Joe is restless. “I would hate for her to choose Leo over me,” he sighs. “That would suck.” Yes it would, sir! When Kendall returns, Joe does his best to play it cool, though he can’t hide the fact that he’s hurt by Kendall’s decision to go out with Leo. And Kendall definitely doesn’t say “glad to be back, that guy sucked” — instead she tells Joe that she wants to explore her “curiosity” about Leo.
Excuse me while I scream into a pillow. At least Joe’s able to laugh about it.
Do I even need to tell you that just as Kendall is gushing that she sees Leo as “more of a long-term thing” than Joe, Leo is out there sowing his Paradise oats? At night, he makes out with Chelsea in the rain; in the morning he returns to flirting up a storm with Kendall.
David and Chelsea
Do these two have any chemistry? Who knows. But on Monday, he gives her his rose. (That rhymes, Marge, and you know it rhymes.) On Tuesday, Chelsea lets Leo put the moves on her in the hot tub. Either way, no one cares. (Next: Four women are sent home)
Jacqueline and Kenny and Annaliese
The wrestler and the Ph.D. candidate? Sure, why not. After Colton turns her down, Jacqueline asks Kenny on a date. He throws on his “fresh salmon shirt” and gallantly escorts Jacqueline to dinner, where they discuss their heritage (she’s Slovakian, his dad was from Guyana), and he teasingly calls her “pretentious” for using those “little gold binoculars” when she goes to the opera. They share a smooch — and, as we’ll learn later, a mutual love of Edgar Allen Poe — but not a lot of chemistry.
Annaliese, meanwhile, has spent much of the day fixating on Kenny as her last best chance to stay in Paradise. As soon as he returns from his date with Jacqueline, Annaliese pounces on him for some late-night dessert and the hard sell. “She’s working overtime for that rose,” notes Nysha shadily. “She’s putting in 16-hour shifts.”
Though Annaliese admits she’s not presenting a “sexual energy,” she wants Kenny to know that she is, in fact, into him. They smooch, and maybe there are a few sparks? Later, Annaliese borrows some costumes from production and challenges Kenny to a wrestling match. (No, not that kind, you perverts.) And he LOVES it. Annaliese gets his rose. Unhappy birthday to you, dear Jacqueline!
Jubilee and John
Though he was still smooching Caroline a few hours before the rose ceremony, Venmo John also shares a lengthy make-out session with Jubilee — and she ends up getting the rose. Also, can we please take a moment to honor this man’s tremendous abs?
Get it, gurl.
I regret to inform you that this week we said goodbye to Bibiana, Paradise’s resident life coach and confessional narrator. Maybe next summer, Queen Bibi! Also going home: Nysha, Jacqueline (go finish your Ph.D., girl) and Caroline, who will probably have better luck in love once she learns to own her own fabulousness. Even her intro lacked confidence.
And with that, rose lovers, another week of Paradise is in the books. Before you go, I want to hear what you think about all the drama. Has Kendall lost her damn mind? Is Tia in denial about Colton? And would Venmo John make a good Bachelor (if Wills says no, of course)? Post your thoughts below!
Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on ABC.