Bachelor Pad season premiere recap: A House Divided
Gah! Enough romance and true love, right rose lovers? After spending two months watching Emily’s “journey,” I feel like my brain could use some time off — and since Big Brother is only on three times a week, I think the only responsible thing for me to do is check into the drunku-series known as Bachelor Pad. Grab your antibiotics and join me, won’t you?
God, it feels good to be back in Casa Bachelor. Harrison, did you get a haircut? Lookin’ good, pal. So, what’s on the agenda this evening? “The most memorable and controversial men and women from season’s past are here,” says our affable host. “You know who they are: the lover, the villain, the fighter, the good guy, the crazy girl, and the one you love to hate.” (There in a nutshell is what’s so fantastic about this show; Team Bachelor Pad doesn’t even bother to acknowledge these contestants as human people — they’re simply skanky archetypes.) In other news, a handful of “super fans” are being allowed admission into the Pad this year, and will compete for the $250k as well. I will reserve judgment on this twist for now, given that at first glance I hate it and want more time to gather evidence about why it’s such a terrible idea.
Let’s meet a few of the more notable Pad-mates!
Chris B: Recently dumped by Emily. On a scale of 1 to Polish, he’s Polish. Has venetian blinds. When prompted to name a woman from a previous season who he finds attractive, Chris chooses the woman who dodged the Ben bullet, Lindzi. “Maybe she’ll be on Bachelor Pad,” muses Chris. “That’d be awesome!” Ask and ye shall receive, sir! Next up…
Lindzi: Likes horses. Wore a gorgeous and ridiculous green velvet cape before getting dumped by Ben. Thinks love and money are both “great.”
Reid: Looks like Scooter from the Muppets. Charmingly neurotic. Failure to fall in love with Jillian immediately cost him the final rose. Hates Ed, and will not be c—blocked by him again. “He may have won last time,” says Reid, “but this time, no way. Payback is a bitch!”
Ed: Proposed to Jillian, but then just couldn’t keep it in his pants. “I’m not an angel,” he admits. “There was certainly some truth to what was in the tabloids.” Hoping to get rich — and laid — in the Pad.
Blakeley: Former VIP cocktail waitress/hot tub sexual assaulter turned aesthetician. Really hopes she can win some dough on the Pad so she can take a break from waxing private parts. Also, she’s lonely. “I’m really close with Jaclyn, she’s hilarious… That’d be fun to have camaraderie with another girl. Like, have a friend.” If the crushing sadness of that statement isn’t enough for you, let’s let our next Pad-mate take the pain up a notch…
Jaclyn: “Blakeley thinks we’re besties, but we’re frienemies,” drawls the unique-looking woman who says she’s in Pad both to win it and to “lose friends.” As for our reformed VIP cocktail waitress? “Like, Blakeley waxes vaginas and I actually have a college education. So, I’m obviously going further than her.”
Kalon: Hates children and luggage. So focused on being the villain of the show that his introduction package is a faithful homage to the “morning routine” scene in American Psycho. (Slow, impressed clap to whoever had that idea.)
NEXT: Let’s meet the “super fans”!
Now for the “super fans”!
Paige: Her dress is either really short or she forgot her pants. Anyhow, this 24-year-old has her eye on Chris B., or possibly Stagliano. (Hands off, cookie — Stag’s mine!) Occasionally incontinent, especially around reality TV stars.
Chris “Swat”: Chases bad guys for a living, but still didn’t have enough balls to say no when Team Bachelor Pad insisted on shooting him watching The Bachelorette at home in his PJs, surrounded by candles.
David: This real estate agent/mixed martial arts fighter fantasizes about dating Lindzi and Blakeley, but knows he has to keep his eye on the prize: complete and utter loss of dignity the cash.
Britney and Erica: Professional fameosexuals, as evidenced by their willingness to have physical contact with this guy. Erica (a virgin) and Britney (a “definitely not” virgin) will have to share one vote, in keeping with Bachelor Pad‘s strict female disempowerment policy.
As for the remaining 8 contestants, they’ll just have to make due with a limo introduction. Bring the car around, Jeeves! Chris, Lindzi, and Ed (white pants and a rose-colored suit jacket? Did the limo pick him up from his job at the ice cream parlor?) are the first to arrive, followed by Nick (no, I don’t really remember him from Ashley’s season either), Rachel (Ben’s “dumpster trash”), Sarah (Brad’s first season), and Ryan (no clue, but he’s a 32-year-old virgin). When Reid arrives, Ed immediately begins regaling the group with the tale of Reid’s failed attempt to woo Jillian, complete with a mocking impersonation: “He comes back from Philadelphia, ‘Oh, I still love her!'” Ever observant, Lindzi suspects that there’s “still some tension between the two of them.”
Tony (apparently a few weeks at home is all he could take before leaving his son again) and Blakeley arrive next (Jaclyn’s all, Meeeow!), then Jamie (surprisingly she’s not wearing her “World’s Most Awkward Kisser” sash), and at long last Michael Stagliano, last season’s winner and all-time best Bachelor/Bachelorette contestant ever. But we’re not done yet! Here comes Erica Rose, who announces she’s worried that Kalon will be in the house, since she tattled about him to the tabloids. What are the odds? Here comes Kalon now, driving up the Bachelor Pad driveway in a rented Porche. “Will you keep it close for me?” he asks Harrison, tossing him the keys. “Appreciate it, boss.” (We get it, we get it — you’re a douchebag.)
For some reason, Erica Rose scurries right up to Kalon after he arrives and insists that he stop making fun of her “appearance” because it’s something she’s “worked really hard on.” Tactically it probably wasn’t the smartest move, but I’m still glad it happened because it gave us this exchange:
Erica Rose: “Out of the blue you were like, ‘Well I don’t like how you represent Houston.'”
Kalon: “Well, you didn’t. You got naked on a television show and ran around.”
Erica Rose: “I mean, yeah. But the point is with women you should be more sensitive.”
NEXT: Ed, the first step is admitting you have a problem
Hold up, guys! Don’t start all the drama before the “super fans” get here! Donna and her boobs arrive first, and they head straight for Stagliano. “Swat” won’t enter the house without getting a snapshot with Harrison first; Paige and Dave are hopelessly starstruck; and Team Virgin/Whore Dichotomy somehow manage to lose even more IQ points somewhere between the driveway and the backyard patio. “I feel like, so, like subhuman,” says Brittany. “I honestly feel like I’m in Disneyland. I feel like I’m a robot.” Ed, meanwhile, is feeling no pain as he drunkenly peels off his clothes and dives into the pool. Sarah tries to rein him in — “Ed! Pull it together! Pull it together! We get it, you’ve got like a big d—, you’re funny. But pull it together!” — but he’s hell-bent on filling the void in his soul with booze/making his mother proud. Harrison can barely keep Ed’s wet, tighty-whitey clad ass on the couch long enough to explain the rules: weekly competitions, winners get dates, twins get one vote, boys vs. girls. Got it? Now pair up, you morons!
Morning dawns on the Bachelor Pad, and the 10 newly-formed teams jog out to the driveway on Harrison’s command, where they find giant red hearts suspended from cranes. Much like last year’s “lovers clinch” challenge, this game — called “Falling for Love” — consists of the teams cramming themselves inside these giant, tilting hearts and hanging on for dear life as long as they can. The first couple to take a dive leaves with a crappy consolation prize: one elimination vote each. Everybody survives the first tilt, but Erica Rose and Nick drop soon after tilt number two, and after that the bodies come in rapid succession: Chris and Blakeley, Stagliano and Sarah, Jaclyn and Ed, and so on until there are just two couples left: Brittany and David, and Team Reid the Paige. And the fans take it! Good god, does this mean we have to watch that trio of randoms go on a date? Yes, yes we do. Let’s all meet back here when it’s over, okay?
Aaaand we’re back. At the Pad, Chris B. has quickly become the center of a “lady” triangle. Blakeley wants to trust him but if he breaks her trust she’ll “punch him in the throat,” while Jamie and her enormous false eyelashes think Chris is cute and invite him into a bedroom for a night-vision-cam make out session. Jaclyn, doing her duty as the resident s—stirrer, scampers over to Blakeley and reveals the whereabouts of her partner, and the VIP Waxer is not pleased. Blakeley and Jaclyn bust through the bedroom door like DEA agents leading a raid, and Blakeley proceeds to tell Jamie she’s not very “sweet” and needs to watch her back. “What was the point of you guys coming in here?” huffs Chris. “I didn’t do anything wrong!” Are you sure about that, sir? You’re on Bachelor Pad, and that’s about the wrongest thing there is.
NEXT: Hey “super fans” and veterans, can’t we all get along?
The next day, David and Team Virgin/Whore are strategizing over who to vote out — consensus: Erica Rose and Nick, who already have a vote against them — when Erica Rose herself sneaks up behind them and offers a casual, “Whatcha doin’?” Because he is very honest or not very smart, or both, David immediately informs Erica Rose that “super fans” are planning to team up against the veterans, and that she and Nick are their first targets. “I don’t think Dave probably should have thrown it out there for everybody to see what his plan is,” sighs Swat. “I think that was a dumba–move.” Of course, word of the newbie alliance quickly spreads throughout the Pad, and when it reaches Stagliano, he’s both amused and mystified. “The game is lying!” he marvels. “Just avoid conversations, and if you do talk to someone, you lie to them!”
Clink clink clink! Harrison arrives with this Champagne Flute of Fate and announces that the time for voting is nigh. Chris B. feels confident: “This is our house. This is our show. They’re going to be going home.” Indeed, Swat gets a number of eviction votes from the veterans, including Erica Rose and Sarah, so he tries to campaign among some of the other women… but they all murmur vague, non-committal phrases like “You never know” and “I’m going to figure it out later” and “It’s so early.” Also getting some bad news: Reid, who finds out from Stagliano that the consensus among the veteran guys is to send his partner Paige packing… primarily because her boobs aren’t as big as Donna’s. (No! Please don’t take “Team Reid the Paige” away from me so soon, Bachelor Pad gods!)
Reid goes right to work, lobbying his fellow male veterans to vote for Erica Rose instead. Every single one of them ignores him… except Kalon, who’s more than happy to send Erica Rose home: “I’ve wanted Erica gone since before I walked in.” But it’s not just up to him — looks like Swat is the true swing vote. Will he send Paige home to spite his doofus fellow newbie Dave? Let’s go to the videotape…
Everyone lines up on the wet flagstone driveway for the rose ceremony, while Dave and the Barbie Twins take their place as Harrison’s rose assistants. The buds go fast: Lindzi, Chris, Sarah, Ed, Rachel, Reid, Jaclyn, Stag, Jamie, Kalon, Blakeley, Ryan, Donna, Tony, Nick, and… Erica Rose! Alas, the best nickname is Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor Pad history is no more, because one half of Reid the Paige is gone. Plus, that Swat guy. That said, I’ll admit I’m happy to see two “super fans” go first. Just four more to go! (I’m still not a fan of this twist.)
Well, rose lovers, we made it through night one. How are you feeling? Am I alone in hating the “super fan” twist? (If I wanted to see a bunch of random idiots live in a house and compete in physical challenges, I’d watch Big Brother… which I already do.) Is there anyone in this house to root for besides Stagliano? And have you seen this video of Kalon crying on the phone to his mommy yet? Post your thoughts below! And don’t forget to check out Chris Harrison’s blog over on PopWatch, where he covers both the most-dramatic-ever Bachelorette finale and the premiere of Bachelor Pad. Now put on your white pants and let’s talk Bachelor Pad!