Bachelor Pad recap: Say Goodbye to Your Little Friend
An unexpected twist leads to betrayal and the departure of the Pad's biggest power player
Just a few more weeks of summer left, rose lovers. I’m so glad you made the choice to waste it with me watching the only reality TV show proven by medical science to make you dumber after each episode.
Interior, Bachelor Pad, night: Chris storms through the door, pissed off beyond words that his partner Blakeley survived his attempt to send her home. Rather than gather with the other Padmates in the living room for a post-rose ceremony cocktail, Chris the outcast huffs off to his room, climbs into bed, and pulls the comforter over his head. “Chris has taken up all the a–hole space possible in the house,” says Stagliano. “If your name isn’t Chris, you are safe.”
It certainly seems that way, as no one is treating Chris with anything but open contempt at this point. Kalon doesn’t even bother denying it when Mr. Beady Eyes accuses him of voting for Jamie, after telling Chris he’d vote for Blakeley. “Yeah, I’m a liar,” Kalon explains to the camera. “Do you want me to elaborate on that?” Ed has a little more trouble handling the confrontation with Chris, so he decides to throw Jaclyn under the proverbial bus. “I was influenced by my partner, who is the only person right now I feel I can trust,” Ed whines. “I haven’t changed my partners three times… I’ve been very loyal to her.” This little dig sense Chris’ god complex into overdrive. “The only reason you stayed partners with Jaclyn is because I told you to stay partners with Jaclyn,” he scoffs to Ed, as Sarah looks on helplessly and Tony pretends he’s asleep. The rest of the conversation goes something like this: No I didn’t! Yes you did! No I didn’t! Don’t [bleeping] yell at me! I’m a grown-ass man! Screw you, this game is stupid. Aaaand SCENE.
The mood is tense and angry the next morning as Harrison calls the gang out to the driveway for the competition. While the rainbow colored tablecloths and stacks of cups and saucers suggest that the Padmates will be hosting a gay pride tea party, instead they’ll be racing in “The Great Fall of China.” The contestants have to race back and forth between the tables seven times, and each time they need to add one more cup and saucer to their tray. The first couple to make it through each trip without dropping any tableware wins the rose. As Harrison explains the rules, Blakeley — a longtime Hooters cocktail waitress — giggles and claps with glee, causing Chris to scowl even more deeply. “This is not fair,” he harrumphs. “Obviously this is an advantage for the girl who’s worked at Hooters for the past 35 years.” Zing!
Indeed, Blakeley does take an immediate lead during the women’s race, but just as she goes to add her final cup — crash! — her cups fall. She’s not alone; cups and saucers are plummeting to the ground all over the place and the air rings with the melodic tinkling of smashed porcelain. Eventually, both Sarah and Blakeley manage to stack six cups on their tray and begin inching their way back to the final table. Though Sarah gets there first, she’s immediately disqualified for touching the top of her cup while still in her lane… which means it’s Blakeley FTW. Suck on that, Beady Eyes!
NEXT: Kalon and Lindzi make out on top of a car
With the bitter taste of loserdom still on his tongue, Chris joins the rest of the guys for their portion of the race. Blakeley walks back and forth alongside her new partner Tony, offering encouragement with every step. “Can we, like, back off the guys a little bit?” groans Sarah. “It’s really annoying.” Whatever, honey, it’s working — Tony takes the lead (just as Chris drops his tray of cups), and Blakeley all but wills him across the finish line: “You got it you got it you got it you got it you got it woooooooooooo!” Whaddya know, looks like the waxer and the sad single dad make a pretty good team! “This is my worst nightmare,” sighs Chris. You think this is rough on you, Chris? Just imagine how your mom feels watching her son act like a class-A asshat on television.
After the competition, Harrison greets the gang in the living room and asks Blakeley if she was planning on taking Tony on her date. “I am gonna take Tony,” she replies, after a slight but noticeable hesitation. (That’s weird — who would she have taken in his place?) Anyhow, since Blakeley and Tony are killing two dates with one rose, Harrison informs her that she can hand the second rose to any guy she wants to keep safe this week — and that guy will be able to go on a date as well. Of course she gives it to Kalon, both because he’s a power player and because it’ll send Chris to an even deeper level of his own personal hell.
Knock knock knock! It’s the Accent Table of Doom at the door! Kalon, it’s time to choose one of the “pretty women” in the house for the one-on-one date. Naturally he chooses Lindzi, and hands over the fancy black jewelry box tied with a nice pink bow. Wow, a diamond bracelet and earrings? Looks like someone’s gonna get the full Vivian the Hooker treatment tonight! Kalon gets the keys to a Bentley, and Blakeley — who chose tomorrow’s overnight date over today’s Pretty Woman extravaganza — gets the beginnings of an ulcer. “Diamonds, schmimonds,” she sniffs. “The overnight date is the money date.” I don’t know, Blakeley – it doesn’t usually work out so well for those Price is Right players who get greedy and pass on the first showcase in hopes of getting a car in the second one. Usually they wind up with a popcorn maker and a dune buggy… but we’ll see.
Kalon and Lindzi climb into their supercar, which GPS-es them so far into East LA that Kalon thinks they’re going to get carjacked. But there’s a method to Miss Bentley’s madness: She’s taking them to a deserted bridge where they’ll have a fancy dinner under a glittering chandelier that is swaying a bit too much in the wind for my liking. I hope it’s properly secured. “It is a little weird to be out in the real world together,” confesses Lindzi to the camera. Honey, this ain’t the real world. It’s an overpass. Still, she and Kalon are happy to be away from the Hormone Hut for a night alone, and the luxury brand consultant doesn’t waste any time sharing his feelings. “I’m actually, possibly, maybe in love with the person I’m actually spending time with,” Kalon tells Lindzi. And she LOVES it. “America didn’t really get the chance to see the Kalon I’ve been lucky enough to get to know,” she gushes. “I’m really glad that I got to see this side of you.” Then they cap off the romantic evening by making out on top of the car. That’s Kalon — klassy to a fault.
NEXT: If that trailer’s a-rockin’…
The next day, the date card arrives for Tony — and with it an invitation to bring one lucky lady to “see the stars.” Inside the mysterious date box? A map of California and some keys… The Padmates are abuzz. Will they be piloting a helicopter to the top of a luxury hotel? Spending the night on a yacht? Flying to Vegas for a Celine Dion concert? But this is showcase number two, rose lovers, and you know what that means: These two suckers are taking a jeep to a campsite, where they’ll sleep in a cramped trailer. The schadenfraude is palpable. “Lindzi got diamonds, a hot car, and a date with a millionaire,” gloats Sarah. “Blakeley gets a map, a jeep, and a date with a lumber salesman. She can’t be happy right now.”
Sure, Blakeley is annoyed that she got the crap date with no fancy amenities, but she’s eventually able to enjoy herself with Tony… most likely because he clearly worships her. She even allows him to smooch her under the stars, as they slow dance to the tinny strains of Chihuahua, Mexico’s biggest recording artist.
Back at the Pad, Chris — who has nothing to lose — is putting Operation Screw Kalon (or, more accurately, Operation Keep Kalon From Getting Screwed) into motion. After burying the hatchet with Ed, he plants a seed of betrayal: “If I were, like, painting a picture of how this could perfectly work out, the guys voting Lindzi off — it would bust up Kalon, who is the shadiest dude here.” Meanwhile, Stag whisks Rachel away to a tapestry-draped balcony, where they proceed to cuddle under some blankets and make out. I’m not really feeling the chemistry here, I have to say; I think poor Stag just can’t bear to be alone. “The most important thing in my life is having a girl to kiss and hold onto,” he confesses. Whatever, Mike — as long as you don’t start playing that guitar by the couch, I’ll look the other way when you and Rachel take the action to the night vision sex suite.
When Tony and Blakeley return from to the Pad the next morning, Chris wastes no time lobbying the lumber salesman — who as the challenge winner has a rose to give out to any woman of his choosing — against giving the bud to Lindzi. Tony’s a pretty malleable guy, obviously, so he tells Chris he’s fine with that plan. But Blakeley’s vehemently opposed to this plan, and as Tony’s about to hand the rose out, Chris — sensing a disturbance in the force — pulls his persuadable buddy aside for one last pep talk. Surprisingly, it doesn’t work: Jaclyn gets the rose!
Rose ceremony night rolls around, and it seems like Chris and Sarah’s fate is sealed, until… clink clink clink! Harrison and his Champagne Flute of Fate are in the house! And the host is here to do Team Bachelor Pad’s dirty work. First, he asks Ed if there’s anything romantic going on with his partner, thought he knows very well that the answer is as if. “I made a decision before I got here that romantically I would never, ever get involved with anybody,” says Ed, “and I still firmly believe that.” (Just to clarify for those of you confused at home, to Ed, “sleeping with,” “receiving oral sex from,” or “otherwise winding up in a compromising position with” a woman does not constitute getting “romantically involved.”)
NEXT: But first… a shocking twist!
Now I’m no fan of Jaclyn’s, but it’d be inhuman not to feel a little sorry for her in this moment, as she does her best to hide the disappointment, embarrassment, hurt, and shame she’s feeling. “Jaclyn, what does that mean?” prods Harrison, as the other Padmates sit in uneasy silence. “I don’t know,” she mumbles. “I feel really uncomfortable right now.” Lindzi and Rachel, sitting with Kalon and Michael, respectively, on their perch of Perfect Couplehood, gaze down at Jaclyn with pity. “Obviously Jaclyn is feeling incredibly hurt,” says Rachel. “Her and Ed sleep in the same bed every night.”
On that incredibly awkward note, Harrison drops another bomb: No guys are going home this week! Everybody’s voting to send one “lady” out the door! And then that “lady” will drag one man with her, kicking and screaming! The twist is clearly Team Bachelor Pad‘s hail Mary effort to keep Chris in the house (every show needs a villain), and that means his current booty call gets to stay as well. “Now we can’t get rid of Sarah because Sarah might get rid of Michael,” says Tony — and Stag agrees. The only woman who wouldn’t take him down with her, he figures, is his “dear friend” Erica Rose. “I’m going to have to take a shower after tonight’s rose ceremony,” Stag laments. Still, he jumps headlong into his plan to rally votes for Erica, and to plant the seed in her mind that Chris B. is behind the whole thing.
Meanwhile, Ed and Jaclyn stare at each other grimly in the backyard, and finally Ed drums up enough courage to give his partner/bedmate the “I like you as a friend” speech that he should have delivered about three weeks ago. “I wouldn’t be doing what I’m doing with you if I didn’t have some sort of feelings for you,” says Jaclyn, tearfully. Ed, endlessly clueless or cruel or both, roughly puts his hand on hers and mutters, “I’m sorry. I’m very, very sorry. I don’t know what you want me to tell you right now.” How about you tell her where you’re sleeping tonight, Ed, because I’m pretty sure Jaclyn’s getting the bed.
As the voting progresses, Erica hears from Jaclyn that Chris is leading the move to get her out, and she is not happy about it. It’s all going according to Michael’s plan! And he LOVES it. “I don’t want to sound cocky here,” he says, sounding totally cocky, “but I’m almost 100 percent positive not only how everyone is voting and what the exact numbers are going to be.” Uh-oh, Stag, don’t you read your Bible? Pride goeth before destruction, sir — and in this case “destruction” is Chris B. taking Erica Rose into the voting room with him so she can see whose picture he drops in the box… And lo, the scales fall from Erica Rose’s eyes, and she knows her good pal Mike has been lying all along. God help him.
So which two Padmates will pay the ultimate price? Lindzi gets the final rose, and Erica proves she will not take it in stride. “Michael, I’m choosing you to leave,” she announces in her nasal drone. “Hopefully, this will make the house a lot more fair.” Well, Erica Rose certainly got her eye for an eye, did she not? I love you, Stag, but you had it coming. And with that, the comic relief piles into the Reject Limos. I’ll miss them both — without Stag, who’s left to root for? (God, am I now rooting for Kalon and Lindzi?) And without Erica Rose, who will win the shopping challenge (should they ever have one)? Let me know what you think of tonight’s twist — and be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s blog over on PopWatch. Now take a shower and let’s talk Bachelor Pad!