Bachelor Pad recap: Fevered Switch
The Olympics may have ended, rose lovers, but that doesn’t mean the games are over. Games like, “How Much Chardonnay Will I Have to Drink to Make it Through Tonight’s Episode of Bachelor Pad” and “If I Had to Be Trapped on a Deserted Island with Chris B. or Kalon, What Method Would I Use to Drown Myself,” among other sports. Join me, won’t you? It’s week four!
Tonight’s action begins with Overly Honest Dave giving us a rundown of the four “power couples” in the house: Chris and Blakeley, Kalon and Lindzi, Rachel and Stag, and Ed and Jaclyn… which leaves people like Dave and Jamie pretty screwed. Especially since Harrison just walked in and told the room full of drunk, exhausted Padmates that before they go to bed, they need to fill out lengthy, personal surveys about each other. “I urge you to be very open, very honest,” says Harrison, silently adding in his head, Because that makes for much better TV. Nighty-night, you morons!
The next day, Harrison greets the gang in the driveway, where Team Bachelor Pad has set up a cheesy game show set where the Padmates will play a hybrid quiz game involving questions about “love and romance” and a round called “Who said that?” Let’s play Bachelor Pad Game Show Mashup! In the first round, the questions are a mix of Bachelor-related trivia (“On Jillian’s season of The Bachelorette, which suitor had a foot fetish?”) and anything involving the word “love” (“Which city has an airport named Love Field?”) — and Sarah easily pulls ahead of the rest of the “ladies.” But once Harrison begins the “Who said that?” round, Jaclyn wakes up and begins crushing her competition. I suppose it’s not surprising that a petty gossip can figure out the author of such statements as “Other than to win the money, Ed is on the show because he doesn’t want to be forgotten, since his season was 20 years ago.” (Answer: Chris B.) To Sarah’s dismay, Jaclyn wins the rose.
Okay, guys — time to man the buzzers. Of course, Team Bachelor Pad whisks right through the “love and romance” trivia and heads straight to the more emotionally damaging “Who said that?” segment. Besides answering a lot of hanky-panky-centric questions — number of sexual partners, strangest place they’ve ever “made whoopee” — the women called each other out on things like who was the “most fake” (Jamie fingers Jaclyn for that title) and “most annoying” for being “all over every guy” in the Pad (Blakeley says, Duh, it’s Jamie!). By some act of the reality TV gods (or some creative scoring by Team Bachelor Pad), Ed earns enough points to win his first Pad competition; taking over from Ed in last place is Dave for the guys and Rachel for the girls.
The real loser of Game Show Mashup, though, is Jamie, who’s gotten herself in trouble for being “so damn honest” about Jaclyn’s manipulative ways. Jamie brings her tearful pleas for help to any guy who will listen, including Kalon, who falsely assures her in calming tones that she’s not at all on the guys’ radar. “I mean, when you put a dog down, you sit there and pet its head, right?” he reasons. (Argh, I hate when he says something funny.)
NEXT: Jaclyn and Ed play ball
When Jaclyn’s date card arrives, Sarah is under the absurdly misguided impression that her rival will take someone other than Ed. Did she miss last week’s episode? Of course Jaclyn’s going to take her partner/only person in the house who doesn’t hate her. The limo arrives and brings the pair to Dodger Stadium, where they drink wine and play a little ball on the empty field before having a picnic on the pitcher’s mound. While Jaclyn is clearly thinking her game partnership with Ed could possibly become a life partnership (as Jamie puts it), Captain Drunkypants has no interest in his partner when he’s sober. Fortunately for Ed, Team Bachelor Pad provided fuel for dinner conversation and it’s all strategy related: Jaclyn must give the date rose to someone other than Ed (who already has a rose), and that guy can take anyone he wants out the next night. Jaclyn wants to give it to Kalon, since he’s a “power couple” ally, but Ed is pushing her to consider his homeboy Chris B. Man, that’s a tough one. It’s like choosing between food poisoning and a yeast infection! Jaclyn ultimately picks Mr. Beady Eyes… Oh, wait, I realize that applies to both of them, sorry. She picks Chris.
Speaking of things that are nasty, back at the Pad, Chris B. — who has reached a breaking point with Blakeley — finally allows Jamie to join him in bed. What better way to cause a permanent rift with his bossy, jealous partner? Of course, Jamie has no idea that she is merely a tool in Chris’ game, and she keeps interrupting their foreplay to talk about her feelings and emotions. “Were you really into me from the very, very beginning?” and “You like me?” and so on. Chris, ever the charmer, has a solution: “She talks and talks and talks,” he complains. “I feel like the only way to shut her up is to kiss her.” And she LOVES it. “It’s just so wonderful to have someone caring about me — that is such a good feeling.” The saddest woman on television, ladies and gentlemen!
And she only gets sadder after Chris decides to pick not Blakeley, not Jamie, but Sarah the Parking Lot Fornicator for his romantic one-on-one date. Jamie somehow rationalizes it as Chris “protecting” her from Blakeley and gamely smiles as he leads Sarah out the front door. They’re picked up in a town car (was the Dodger Stadium date so expensive Team Bachelor Pad couldn’t afford a second limo?) and driven by two people (seriously, who is that in the passenger seat?) to a remote parking garage. After a few seconds of awkward silence, the driver hits the gas and burns rubber all the way up to the roof, where the car smashes into a wall of empty cardboard boxes with such force that Sarah almost pops out of her dress. Ah yes, the old action movie date — we rose lovers know it well.
After changing into their costumes (a simple shirt and pants combo for him, and a replica of Sandy’s carnival slut outfit for her), Chris and Sarah beat up a couple of black-suited bad guys and then share a triumphant, scripted kiss. The real kiss comes later, after Chris presents her with a mutilated strawberry on a fork in place of a rose. “Chris is going to be a really great partner in this game,” gushes Sarah. “He’s going to be loyal to me and we’re going to have something great after this.” Okay, so what exactly about Chris’ past behavior is leading you to draw these conclusions, honey? Oh, forget it — just go make out with him in the hot tub. You know you want to.
NEXT: Chris and Sarah make a night of it
Meanwhile, back at the Pad, Harrison assembles the players in the living room to present yet another rose. This one belongs to Ed — since he won the challenge and went on Jaclyn’s date instead of his own, he’s still got one bud to give. After some off-screen deliberation, Ed decides to hand the rose over to Rachel — a fact that sends Blakeley and Jamie into crazy overdrive. They begin sniping each other in a back bedroom about whether or not Jamie should have sought Blakeley’s permission before hooking up with Chris — or something. I’m not entirely sure what they’re fighting about, but whatever it is, Jamie thinks she’s the winner. “Blakeley’s clearly not interested in Chris anymore,” she gloats. “I’m so excited for him to get home from this date so I can tell him, ‘Hey listen, now we can be together all the time and everything’s okay.'”
Oh, we’re excited for Chris to come home too, sweetie — but that’s because he and Sarah just got a room at the hot tub hotel and won’t be back until the morning. For now, we’ll just enjoy the sinister genius of Team Bachelor Pad‘s editing, as they juxtapose Jamie’s glowing monologue about Chris — “He’s so loyal, he’s so lovable, he’s so respectful. Those are seriously qualities I want in my husband” — with footage of Chris and Sarah slipping into a hotel room and hanging the “Do Not Disturb” sign on the door. Indeed, the next morning all Jamie can do is chew her lips as Chris and Sarah do the shame walk back into the living room and begin regaling the group with tales of their high-octane date.
Anyhow, the rose ceremony finally arrives, and while David attempts to lobby people to put Nick’s photo in the box instead of his own, Chris is busily trying to get the cool kids to vote Blakeley out instead of Jamie. This disturbs Stag, perhaps the only person in the house who is not letting his showmance affect his game (yet). “Blakeley and Chris were a huge part of our alliance. Now he’s got Sarah as a partner,” Stag grouses. “Sarah comes with Erica Rose, because they’re besties, and Jamie has his back as well… So that gives him three girls next week who will likely keep him around.” Ed tries to warn Chris that he’s irritating his alliance, but he just brushes Ed off with cocky assurances. Little does Chris know that his partner in villainy, Kalon, has as much contempt for him as he does everyone else, and will actually vote to keep Blakeley around.
In the end, it’s Dave the overly honest super fan and Jamie the overly made-up emotional train wreck who get the boot. Curses! Chris B.’s plan would have worked if it wasn’t for those meddling kids! “My two best friends in the house lied to me,” Chris groans. “Ed and Kalon… I thought I could trust them the most, but now it’s like, I don’t trust anybody.” Well, Chris, perhaps you should listen to some sage words of warning from Mr. Michael Stagliano: “Chris has been going around and starting a lot of little fires in girls’ pants. And when you play with fire, you get burned.”
True enough, rose lovers! So what did you think of tonight’s adventures in deception and debauchery? Will Chris finally get the ass kicking he deserves next week? Can anyone grab the reins from Stagliano? And how in the name of all that’s holy are Nick and Tony still here? Post your thoughts below! And be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s Bachelor Pad blog over on PopWatch if you’re still hungry for more Bachelor Pad news — and let’s be honest, who isn’t?