Ed sobers up long enough to realize that people -- gasp! -- sometimes lie in Bachelor Pad, just in time to escape Reid's "foolproof" plan to vote him out
Bachelor Pad
Credit: ABC

It’s only week three, rose lovers, and so far the Pad has brought us topless pool parties, pity frenching, and a barely concealed act of fellatio. At this rate of depravity, the final episode of Bachelor Pad will be a group snuff film. And maybe that’s for the best.

We join the party post-rose ceremony, as always, where Reid is stewing in his own bad idea juices after convincing a few people to vote for Ed — one of whom was Sarah, who confessed to Ed out of guilt. “I’m afraid that could get back to me,” he says. “If that happens, that could be pretty detrimental to me staying to the end.” But rather than feeling angry and fired up for revenge, Ed is dismayed to discover that “people are, like, flat-out lying” in the Bachelor Pad, and “I can’t do that.” (Are you sure, pal? Jillian might disagree.) But just as he’s about to take his tighty-whiteys and go home, Jaclyn convinces him to stay and fight.

The next day, all the Padmates pile into a party bus for a field trip to their next competition: A combination dessert/obstacle course dubbed “Hot Sludge Funday.” It’s as dignified as it sounds: First the women must wade through a vat of pink foam masquerading as ice cream, slide down a hill of hot fudge (god knows what it really is), crawl through whipped cream, climb into a “nut sack” and dump nuts on their heads, and then hop over to their partner, who will then do the course in reverse. None of this fazes the Padmates; instead, what they find horrifying is that they won’t be competing with their regular partners — they’re going to be “randomly” assigned new ones. (Clearly, this whole “shakeup” was orchestrated by Team Bachelor Pad in order to put Erica and Kalon together so he could make this crack about her weight: “We’ve got a huge pool full of ice cream, and I’m thinking Erica can probably just eat her way through it, Pac Man-style.”)

Jamie and Ed take an early lead, but soon Stagliano is pulling ahead with David hot on his heels. The finish is so close that Harrison declares “the tape will have to be reviewed” to determine whether Michael or David ate the concluding cherry first. The last place crown won’t require a playback, though: Ed can’t get up the wall of hot fudge, and he eventually has to walk around. Time to lay off the hooch, Swiderski! You and Jamie are going into the rose ceremony with one vote against you. As for the winning team, it’s David and Rachel, which means the overly honest “super fan” will be sticking around another week. “I’m starting to see the possibility of me being here until the end,” marvels David, who appears to have borrowed Ryan’s very unfortunate tank-top.

Of course, all of the female veterans suddenly no longer feel it’s beneath them to talk to the “super fan,” and they begin sidling up to him with eager, take ME on the group date! faces. Blakeley feels she’s owed a date given that she deigned to bring Dave with her last week, while Jamie is desperate for any chance to save herself after Captain Drunkypants landed their team in last. Indeed, he chooses Jamie, Blakeley, and in a surprise move, Erica, the woman who once called him an “ugly loser.” That night, the limo deposits the trio at “this red carpet place” (Jamie’s term), where they will attend a makeshift prom — complete with off-the-rack dresses and a band fronted by country music recording artist Katie Arminger.

NEXT: “I just want to fall in love on TV and show my kids”

Back at the Pad, Reid is trying to fool Ed into thinking they’re allies. “I don’t know how it came down to people talking about voting you off,” he tells Ed. “I think you’re fine, no matter what.” Though a sober person’s The Dude Doth Protest Too Much alarm would be going off, Ed buys what Reid’s selling. “I do have good friends here who are tight and trustworthy,” he says. “It’s a good feeling.” Ed feels confident enough to spend another night getting blackout drunk and hooking up with a random female Padmate. “I look up and I see Jaclyn on Ed’s back,” grouses Sarah. “While they’re partners, I don’t believe Jaclyn is Ed’s type.” I’m not so sure, Sarah. Does Jaclyn have a vagina? Yes? Then I think she qualifies as “Ed’s type.” And those mariachi-themed mating sounds he’s making from behind the sheet covered bunk bed prove my point. (Shocking side note: I actually found it a little romantic when Kalon covered Lindzi’s ear so she wouldn’t hear Ed’s vulgar cries of passion. In Bachelor Pad, the romance bar is very, very low.)

The Enchantment Under the Sea dance is in full swing when suddenly, Jamie reminds us that she’s a human being and not just a mannequin in whore’s makeup and false eyelashes. “I didn’t go to my senior prom because this was when my mom started to disappear for, like, a weekend or something,” she tells David, tearing up. (Jamie, you might remember, raised her siblings after her mother — who had “dependency issues” — could no longer care for them.) The waterworks have the intended effect: “Jamie, she has a vote against her and she needs a rose to stay here,” says David. ” I know what I have to do.” Oh hells no! thinks Blakely, who promptly busts up David’s one-on-one with Jamie with the express purpose of snatching that bud out of her arch-rival’s hand. “I already told Jamie she’s getting the rose,” mumbles David sheepishly. Uh-oh, pal! You’re on Blakeley’s “diarrhea list”! (Thanks for trying to keep it PG, honey, but it’s Bachelor Pad. That ship has sailed.)

I seriously forgot there was another date to get through. At least this one involves some slightly more tolerable people — Rachel, Nick, Stag, and Tony — and at least it’s an interesting idea: Team Bachelor Pad has taken over a wing of Madame Tussaud’s wax museum in Hollywood to create “The Bachelor Experience,” an exhibit that allows fans to interact with lifelike figurines of their favorite Bachelor/Bachelorette “characters.” But little do they know those “figurines” will actually be “real” “people” wearing latex makeup. Cue the hidden camera hijinks!

We interrupt this fun-filled outing to bring you the saddest thing you’ll see all week: Jamie, back at the Pad, trying to get it on with Chris and being callously rebuffed. It’s not the hook-up rejection that’s sad, it’s the white-hot current of loneliness and need humming beneath all of Jamie’s bad decisions. “I just want to fall in love on TV and show my kids,” Jamie tells us. “I’m a little awkward sometimes, you know, dating… because I really don’t trust people. It’s really hard for me to trust people. I really want, you know, I really want a family, you know, to spend the holidays with. It would just be nice.” It’s moments like this that make me question all of my beliefs. Maybe reality TV really is ruining America… But then I stuff another handful of Cheetos in my mouth and let the fluorescent orange powder work its healing magic. U-S-A! U-S-A!

NEXT: Donna wants someone — anyone — to make out with her

So, where were we? Oh, right. Madame Tussaud’s. Hidden cameras. Fake wax figures. Rachel can’t stop blinking, Tony is bummed to learn that some fans think he’s “pathetic,” and Stagliano proposed to many a thrilled female admirer. Is there any doubt that Rachel is going to give the date rose to her budding crush Michael? Let’s leave these two showmantics to their alone time and move on.

The day of the rose ceremony arrives, and Reid is feeling good about his “foolproof” plan to get Ed and Blakeley out of the house. But there’s one fool who seems intent on derailing things: Sarah, who yet again decides to tell Ed that people are conspiring to send him home. “It’s the honest thing to do,” she explains. I’ll never understand why these morons think honesty has any business showing its face on a reality show. Anyhow, Ed waits until later in the evening to confront his former Bachelorette rival in the hot tub. “You say one thing and do the complete opposite, dude!” Ed barks. “I’m not a f—ing idiot!” Reid makes a frantic defense, saying he wants to vote out the “weak links” and the people who think they have the “power,” and insists that he’s totally not talking about Ed. In related news, Reid is not a good liar.

Naturally, the atmosphere is extra tense at the rose ceremony. Blakeley feels certain that she’s on her way out, and Chris’ pep talk — “Don’t do anything stupid” — doesn’t make her feel much more secure. Fortunately Stagliano’s bedside manner is a bit better. “I promise you you’re not going home,” he tells Blakeley. “You can take a deep breath.”

His intentions are good: Mike, Tony, Ed, and Chris are voting for Donna, and Kalon told Stag he’d vote for Donna, too. Of course, Kalon also told Erica and Reid that he’s voting for Blakeley. All Donna knows is that if she doesn’t hook up with someone before she gets voted out, she will have disgraced her hometown of Hackensack, NJ. Fortunately, Nick happens to be walking by, and soon the two of them are engaged in a tepid make out session on the couch.

While the “underdog” women (Erica, Donna, Jamie, and possibly Sarah) are voting for Ed, the “cooler” “ladies” — including Lindzi, Rachel, Jaclyn, and Blakeley — drop Reid’s headshot in the ballot box. To Ed’s credit, he tries once again to sit down with Reid and have an honest discussion about all of the lying that’s gone on, and eventually Reid ‘fesses up about trying to get his former rival out of the Pad. “The way I came into this was looking at it as a game — in the end, everybody’s going to screw each other,” he tells Ed. While that is a remarkably rational way to approach a cutthroat reality competition, Ed remains shocked and disappointed by his former friend’s treachery. And hell hath no fury like a Swiderski scorned. In the end, Kalon and Sarah choose to use their swing votes to send home Donna and Reid, respectively. Captain Drunkypants FTW! And a reluctant huzzah for Overly Honest Dave, now the only “super fan” left in the game. Your time will come, sir.

Well, three weeks down, rose lovers! How do you feel? Is there anyone in this vermin-infested house of horrors that you’re rooting for? Am I the only one who finds it hilarious that Ed, a known cheater, is so indignant about others’ dishonesty? Why am I starting to like Kalon, even though he’s trying way too hard with his cold-hearted assassin shtick? Also, people, that was a mouse. You want a rat? THIS is a rat. Post your thoughts on tonight’s episode below, and be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s blog over on PopWatch for more behind-the-scenes thoughts on the Padmates. Now, spray some latex on your face and let’s talk Bachelor Pad!

Episode Recaps

Bachelor Pad
Chris Harrison reassembles former rose-contenders for a second chance at reality fame, love, and televised skankiness
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