Bachelor Pad recap: Rhythm is Gonna Get You
The "ladies" get trounced by the men in a gymnastic challenge, and the twins prove they are their own worst enemy
Have you got your Purell ready, rose lovers? Too bad we can’t use it on our eyes. But as we all know, watching the Pad is a labor of self-hate, so let’s get to it.
The action resumes post-rose ceremony, with Erica jubilantly relieved to be clutching a bud, and Overly Honest Dave — who took out a full page ad in the Bachelor Pad Times telling the veterans that the newbies were planning to vote them out — looking more than a little chagrined. I’d ruminate more on Dave’s bad strategy, but I can’t hear anything over the shrill, screeching sounds of bird hawks attacking each other in the Pad’s driveway… Oh, wait, sorry — that’s just Brittany and Erica fighting. “Last night you called me a slut four times!” whines Thing 1. “It’s old news, just get over it!” bleats Thing 2. “You did it again, I cried. You did it again, I cried. You did it again, I cried. So then what?” At first, Rachel tries to intervene and remind the girls that they love each other, but eventually she and the other Padmates just settle in to enjoy the show. “It’s like watching Jerry Springer,” jokes Blakeley. Jaclyn, though is not amused: “God, they’re so duuuuuumb!”
Hope you were able to sleep off your stupid, girls, because morning has arrived and so has Harrison — he wants you meet him in the driveway for the next competition. What will it be — pie eating contest? Water balloon toss? Mean-spirited version of the Newlywed Game? All good guesses, but no. Today’s event is… rhythmic gymnastics. Wha-huh? Harrison, explain yourself. “In honor of the summer Olympics going on right now, welcome to your next competition.” (Ballsy move, Team Bachelor Pad! I’ve no doubt this will keep ABC from getting clobbered by whatever Olympic competition aired on NBC Monday night.) Anyhow, each of the contestants must perform a routine for a panel of judges — the winning man and woman get roses, while the couple who does the worst will each go into the rose ceremony with one vote against them.
Based on what we see in the training montage, the guys, especially Reid, are in danger of getting stress fractures in their knees from their lumbering leaps, while the women — especially Jamie and Sarah — risk strangulation by pink ribbon. Donna and her boobs have been taking gymnastics since they were 8, so she’s actually semi-coordinated, and Stagliano — who, as we all know, is a breakdancer — masters the moves pretty quickly as well. Once the contestants have all donned their asset-enhancing leotards — “My eyes kept going straight to their package!” admits Sarah — it’s time to meet the judges: Ashley and JP (of course), and Olympic gymnast Tasha Schwikert (that makes more sense). The “ladies” go first, and what follows is a riot of tangled ribbons and wobbily brandished hula hoops. “I was so relieved,” Kalon tells us. “It took any and all pressure off once we realized how absolutely terrible the girls were.” As much as I hate to agree with Kalon, he’s right — compared to what we saw from the women, the guys’ routine actually came within 200 miles of decent. Even Reid managed to redeem himself by busting out a pretty impressive worm mid-routine.
Erica Rose, who did not manage to perform even a portion of the routine properly, gets the vote for worst of the women, and Ed — who was critiqued by Tasha Schwikert for not being “sassy” enough — took the loser title for the guys. Of course, Stagliano takes the gold medal for the men, and on a more surprising note, Blakeley is the winner on the women’s side — a fact that causes Chris to deflate with disappointment. “I have to just man up and get along with Blakeley,” he sighs. Weirdly enough, Blake and Stag don’t get to enjoy one-on-one dates with the partner of their choice — instead they each have to bring three people and hand out a rose to one of them. Donna and her boobs really hope Stagliano will pick them for one of the date slots. “Normally a guy would be head over heels for me in a second,” puzzles Donna, as the camera zooms in on her peeling a banana and putting her lips around it. (Really, Team BP? Isn’t that a little on the nose?) “But with Michael,” she continues, “I kind of have to work for it.”
NEXT: Donna gets Rachel’s sloppy seconds
So does Erica Rose, who’s hoping her old buddy Mike will take her on the date and gift her with a life-saving rose. It’s a scenario that seems unlikely, given Stag’s current BP mission: “Last season on Bachelor Pad 2, I made all of my decisions about who to take on the dates strategically,” he explains. “And this time it’s literally the opposite.” Knock knock knock! It’s the Accent Table of Doom at the door! (Hey buddy — good to see you! Hope you’ve had your shots.) It’s time for Stagliano to choose the lucky three “ladies” who’ll join him for a night on the town. Survey says: Rachel, Lindzi, and Donna and her boobs. Go shower and make yourselves pretty, girls — the limo is waiting to take you all to the Pomona Fox Theater for a semi-private concert by a band called Adelitas Way. Stag spends the majority of the concert dividing his time between Donna — who simply cannot wrap her head around the fact that she’s, like, totally living in an episode of The Bachelor right now, you guys — and Rachel, who takes the lead by planting one on Michael in the middle of the dance floor. Lindzi must be taking an epic powder in the ladies room, because she’s nowhere to be found.
Meanwhile, back at the Pad, the gang is celebrating Jamie’s birthday with shots and a homemade cake. She’s hoping to do a little private celebrating with Chris, but her partner Ryan — who’s nursing a little crush — has constructed an entire seduction plan, that involves feeding Jamie sushi and covering her bed with dime store candy. She’s nice enough to humor him, but her impatience to go meet up with her crush turns to anger once Ryan casually mentions that Chris told him he’s planning to stay partners with Blakeley. “That just blows my mind,” she grumbles. “She’s a VIP Cocktail waitress. If Chris wants to have a happy relationship with someone he can bring home to his family, someone to have kids with, I’m your girl.” Let’s get one thing straight, Jamie: Blakeley is a bikini waxer, not a VIP cocktail waitress. And no matter what she does for a living, at least she has the good sense to realize that fingerless lace gloves were only cool for about 104 minutes, which coincidentally happens to be the running time of Desperately Seeking Susan. But Jamie is forced to eat her words after she walks in on Chris making out with Blakeley in bed. “It’s not a big deal that I have to sell myself a little bit,” says Chris as he climbs into Blakeley’s bunk, which, by the way, happens to be right below Jamie’s. “It’s part of the game.”
As we rejoin the group date in progress, Rachel is using her one-on-one time to suck face with Michael, while Donna’s appeal to his ego is more cerebral: She presents him with a portrait she’s done of him in pencil, and he doesn’t even seem to mind that she drew him with an almost freakishly wide grin. “I wanted to give her something in return, to fulfill a little bit of a fantasy for her.” Turns out that “something” is his tongue, which he jabs into her mouth repeatedly. Team Bachelor Pad doesn’t even bother showing us Stag’s alone time with Lindzi, who eventually does return from the bathroom to see Michael give the rose to Rachel. So sorry, Donna and her boobs! You know what they say, never meet your idols.
The next day, it’s Blakeley’s turn to choose which guys she wants to take out on a romantic date. Though Chris is a no brainer, I was a little surprised to see her choose Ed (did she not get enough of his tightie-whities the first night?), and the entire Pad is surprised to see her choose Overly Honest Dave — including Dave himself, who is so moved by the gesture of veteran kindness that he actually tears up. Dude, grab the reins — you’re going to feel really silly about crying when you realize your big romantic date is at… a soapbox derby. Yes, the quartet arrives at a small track, where they’re told to go decorate their little cars with spray paint and tape. Their race down the hill is a pretty suspenseless affair, given that it doesn’t seem like there’s anything a driver can do to make his or her soapbox car go faster, and Ed takes the lead from the beginning and never surrenders it.
NEXT: One of the Padmates gets “hot mess wasted.” Can you guess who?
After drinking some victory bubbly from his trophy, Ed and the gang head back to the Pad’s guest house (a.k.a. the bungalow where the Bachelor/Bachelorette lives during taping) for some pool time. Chris, who rolls his eyes any time Dave opens his mouth, assured us earlier that “someone might die” if Blakeley gives Dave the rose — but that isn’t stopping the “super fan” from trying to plead his way into the bikini waxer’s heart. “I watched your season, and I saw how much of a hard time you were getting,” Dave begins. “At lot of people were ganging up on you. Maybe somebody could have stood up for you and helped you out. And that’s what I’m asking you to possibly do — to try to help me out.” Well would you look at that — Overly Honest Dave might not be so hopeless after all. That was some quality manipulation. And it was an Oscar-worthy performance compared to what we saw from Chris, who can’t mask his insincerity or annoyance with Blakeley during their alone time. Still, Blakeley gives Chris the rose, because she’s so very “committed” to their partnership. Okay, whatever you guys — it’s time to get blackout drunk!
Indeed, it’s a full-blown Bacchanalia back at the Pad: Ed’s pouring champagne into Dave’s mouth, Erica Rose is making out with — I don’t know, is that Jamie? — Lindzi cuddling in bed with Kalon, Stag’s making out with Rachel, Dave is getting frisky in the hot tube with “one of the twins,” and Ed is in his usual state: “hot mess wasted.” Jaclyn has her eye on Ed’s pickle, but ultimately it’s Sarah who ends up fiddling with him under the watchful gaze of the night vision sex cam. Somehow, as drunk as he is, Ed manages to stay awake during the entire sex act — he even provides a soundtrack of howls and mariachi screeches that leaves the rest of the contestants mesmerized, creeped out, and a little scared.
At least Ed had the courtesy to make his otherworldly mating calls while the rest of his Padmates were still up. The twins, on the other hand, keep the whole house awake later that night when they erupt into yet another argument. “I have no idea what started it,” sighs Blakeley. “I don’t know, maybe a door shut? Maybe a light went off?” In fact, the root of the skirmish is that Erica wants to stay to pursue her crush on Dave, but Brittany wants to go home. The fight drags on throughout the night, and to everyone’s amazement Thing 1 and Thing 2 are still at it when the sun rises. “I have been listening to their voices for the last seven hours,” groans Jaclyn. “It was like nails on a chalkboard.” Eventually they argue their way out the door and right into the Reject SUVs, leaving the Padmates in peace.
NEXT: Reid attempts a cocktail party coup
Dave is “devastated” to learn that his fellow “super fans” are gone — he must have thought he was having a drunk-dream when Erica said goodbye to him in the cabana — because he knows it means he has one fewer vote on his side. It’s fantastic news for Erica Rose, however; with the twins gone, the “ladies” have already made this week’s sacrifice to the Bachelor Pad gods, so no one else from their team will be going home. It seems like a foregone conclusion that Dave will be the one taking that long Reject Limo ride back to obscurity… until Kalon decides to rally the women against Ryan. “He bugs me,” Kalon tells Lindzi, and that’s all she needs to hear. Soon, she’s flitting from group to group, doing her temporary TV boyfriend’s dirty work. But Operation Dump Ryan hits a snag once Reid learns of the plan, which he somewhat mistakenly attributes to Ed and Chris. Given that Ed is Reid’s sworn enemy, he lobbies Donna, Sarah, Erica and Jamie to vote Captain Drunkypants out. Sarah, of all people, willingly goes along with this plan — but she instantly has voter’s remorse. “I turned on someone I hooked up with in this house,” she sniffs. “I think everyone’s looking at me like, ‘How are we supposed to trust you?'”
Who will prevail — Kalon or Reid? It’s a close one, but… awww, you didn’t think Team Bachelor Pad would let the life of the party go home, did you? Instead, it’s Ryan who gets sent packing, which would be sad if I had any idea who he was. Godspeed, sir! May this be your last encounter with this wretched franchise.
Phew. Who could use a shower? I know I could, rose lovers. But we all knew what we signed on for when we season passed the Pad. So, what did you think about tonight’s outing? Were you sad to see the twins go? Are you enjoying Erica Rose’s continued last-minute escapes? How soon before Ed gets alcohol poisoning? Are you disappointed in Lindzi for becoming Kalon’s cuddlebuddy? Post your thoughts now! And be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s blog over on PopWatch. Now put on your leotard and let’s talk Bachelor Pad!