Bachelor Pad recap: Coup D'Nah

Remember last week, rose lovers? When the Pad seemed like a magical place where anything is possible, and anyone — even a guy who stubbornly insists on wearing red pants — can find love? Yeah, that was a lie. The Pad is a McMansion built on the burial ground where all human decency went to die. Get used to it. Ready for week three?

Immediately after the rose ceremony, Blake is in damage control mode with Melissa, but she is having none of it. “Why don’t you start with, ‘I am so sorry I played you for a fool,'” she snaps. “Why don’t you be a man?” Uh-oh, this is bad, thinks Blake. But at least I’m not Jake. It doesn’t look like that much fun to be Holly either at this moment, seeing as Melissa is busy whisper-yelling at her for flirting with “her” “man.” Pish-posh, says Holly. She flirts with everybody — it’s her “nature.” Whether Melissa believes her or not, it only strengthens her desire to send Blake packing.

Wake up, Stag! It’s time for the next competition. Suit up and let’s head to the pool. Jake remains Public Enemy No. 1, but he isn’t worried. “There a couple of things I’m just really blessed with,” he explains. “Mental durability, uh, physical strength, and problem solving. So if it falls into any of those three categories, I’ll do well.” Well, one out of three ain’t bad: You’re going to be performing a synchronized swimming routine! Many of the “ladies” — two of whom, Holly and Melissa, were cheerleaders — are thrilled, while the men look like they’d rather be in Lamaze class. True to form, Erica has no interest in anything that involves thinking or physical motion. Plus, she’s never learned how to dive. “The closest thing I’ve done to synchronized swimming in laying out by the pool.”

But wouldn’t you know it, the guys are actually pretty good (Jake learned “technique” from Dancing With the Stars and Stag is, after all, a breakdancer), while the “ladies” are, as Melissa says, a “hot mess.” But the good news is they all have garishly colored flowers sewn on to their bikini tops, which may distract the judges — Olympic Gold medalist Karen Rosolowski and Bachelor Pad 1 winners Dave and Natalie — from how bad they are. The women go first, and while they definitely get the “swimming” part right, there is nothing synchronized about it. Erica — whom one would think might be good at this sport, seeing as she has built-in flotation devices — is about three beats behind the other women, while Michelle and Holly decide to throw a little smooch in at the end, perhaps in hopes that Olympic gold medalist Karen Rosolowski likes a little girl-on-girl action.

I’m not sure how long the teams were practicing before the competition, but the men (especially Kasey) are sunburned to a crisp. Did Team Bachelor Pad not spring for water resistant SPF? Even so, the guys’ routine is a delight to behold. Though no one on God’s green earth looks good in a Speedo (except this man), the men don’t let a little thing like body shame get in their way. They dive, twirl, kick, and flutter with gusto under Stag’s boisterous leadership, and Karen gives the breakdancer the rose. When it comes to the “ladies,” Natalie and Dave have props for Holly and Vienna, but the qualified professional says the least awful performer was, in fact, Michelle. Better luck never next time, Vienna!

NEXT: King Kasey is not happy with his queen

Jake is concerned for his safety in the house, so naturally he finds the weakest gazelle in the herd (Erica), separates it from the pack in a back bedroom, and begins caressing the inside of its thigh. And she LOVES it. “Jake is sexy,” she honks, as her foot travels up the former Bachelor’s leg. “I’d like to keep Jake around.” She’s not the only crazy blonde Jake has overpowered with his charm offensive — Melissa says he’s “really nice” to her, and even Vienna is suddenly being polite to the man she once called a “monster.” Kasey is not pleased. “You’re always so cordial and nice to him,” he complains to Vienna. (This from the guy who shakes Jake’s hand and wishes him good luck at the cocktail party later in the evening.) Not surprisingly, Vienna’s first move is to try to cry her way out of the argument. “Why are you being such a jerk?” she whines, slicing the air with her hand for emphasis. “I don’t want to be here! You swore to me that you would protect me and all you’ve been doing is getting mad at me about everything!”

Just as I am brainstorming ways to make fun of Kasey’s “Jenius” t-shirt, he hurls this deliciously awful put-down at the woman he claims to love: “Do you want to have another public breakup on TV? Jesus Christ, stop!” Nice! Low blow, pal. But he isn’t finished. After accusing her of trying to get “America’s sympathy vote” because she “looked like the bitch last time,” Kasey tells Vienna she’s effed everything up. “I get that he’s your ex-fiance. I get that he physically and mentally abused you, or whatever — that was a year ago. Get over it! Do you know what I’m going through right now?” I don’t know about you, but I’m beginning to suspect that Vienna has not, in fact, traded up from her last relationship. Also, did Jake sign away his right to sue Team Bachelor Pad for slander, or what?

The next day it’s time for Michelle’s date, and she chooses Blake, Kasey, and Graham (oh hey, buddy, where ya been?) to accompany her on a wine-tasting date. (Why does everyone keep bringing Kasey? Does he have a really entertaining magic act or something?) Over giant glasses of red, Michelle chides Blake over his treatment of her “good friend” Melissa. “You need to fix that,” she warns. “If you can’t make amends, like, I think you’re in trouble.” Meanwhile, back at the Pad — ding dong, the Accent Table of Doom is at the door! It’s bearing Michael’s date card, which makes Holly very nervous. “I don’t want him to ask me on [the date],” she sighs. Too bad, toots — you’re going! Later, night falls on the winery, and I’m not sure how many glasses of liquid courage Michelle has had, but she’s finally ready to tell Graham that she has a crush on him. And though he’s still smarting from his bad breakup, that doesn’t stop Graham from planting one on Ms. Money and securing the rose.

NEXT: I find Bret Michaels’ “hair” very disturbing

Stag’s turn! He hustles Ella, Vienna, and Holly into the waiting limo and runs down the date rule, first and foremost is this: “No talking about strategy!” Not a problem — it’s difficult to have a complex conversation with dates when you’re each riding on a separate horse. True to form, Vienna has no problem doing what she’s best at: Bitching. “You smell that? That’s so disgusting… I seriously, am so hot right now… I’m, like, sweating, like, so bad…” Yeah? Well, hauling your ass around is no trip to Pismo Beach either, sister, thinks the horse to itself.As soon as he can, Michael breaks free of this firehose of negativity and pulls Holly aside for a chat. “So, you’ve been getting’ all friendly with me lately,” says Holly. “Do you miss me?” Well, duh, honey. While she acts like she might want to get back together — “I keep wanting to, like, touch you. It’s weird,” she tells him — Holly tells the camera something different. “Deep down I don’t think we’re supposed to be together, because I don’t think relationships are supposed to be this hard.” Here’s what I say to that: Your loss, doll.

Meanwhile, Jake is attempting to rally a No Chance in Hell army in an effort to get Kasey and Vienna voted off. “People are keeping them around and they’re getting voted off,” he tells Blake and William. “That’s not even playing the game — that’s just plain stupid.” Next stop: Erica! Little Miss Clueless is so smitten with Jake that I almost feel sorry for her — honey, who taught you that the best way to show a guy you like him is to massage his arm like you’re trying to squeeze frosting out of a pastry bag? But Jake plays along, because he’ll do “whatever it takes” to be safe this week — even subjecting his mouth to her predatory, Restylane-filled pucker.

Speaking of things that are disgusting, Bret Michaels has just pulled up in his tour bus to crash Michael and Holly’s date. (She got the rose, natch.) After hearing about their sad past, Mr. Michaels decides he needs to play a song for the duo in the hopes that music fairies will spring out of his guitar and rebuild their shambles of a relationship. It took every fiber of my being not to fast-forward through that shiz. See how devoted I am to you, rose-lovers?

Looks like we’re still speaking of things that are disgusting, folks: It’s Kasey and Vienna’s six-month anniversary, and he’s gonna put a ring on it. And if you think you’re wigged out by that, think about how Vienna feels. “I don’t want it to be an engagement ring,” she whimpers in her baby voice. “Why would you say that like that?” barks Kasey. “I’m trying to open my heart up to you.” Crisis averted — it’s just a promise ring! And promises are meant to be broken in Bachelor Pad. “Here I am again,” laments Kasey later. “I try to do everything that I can do to put my heart out there for her, and she treats me like crap.” But dude, you make it so easy! Like, why are you singing right now? Please, for the love of all that’s holy, knock it off.

Elsewhere in the Pad, Erica has discovered that Jake and Melissa are hanging out in the hot tub, so naturally she’s decided to creep through the bushes to the landing below the hot tub to eavesdrop. While she doesn’t hear anything incriminating, she immediately scurries back to the kitchen to spill her useless intel. “It seems like she was buttering him up to talk strategy with him,” she tells Ella and Vienna, who do not look up from the food they’re preparing. But we know Vienna is annoyed, because she attempts to club a helpless clove of garlic, or something, to death with the handle of her knife.

NEXT: Batten down the hatches — here comes Hurricane Melissa

Anyhow, this tiny little seed of a rumor Erica planted — Melissa is working with Jake! — blossoms into a fully-grown crazy tree in about 10 minutes flat. “Erica said you were trying to ally with Jake,” Stag tells Melissa innocently, as Erica squats behind the couches and listens in. Of course, Melissa begins to cry tears of rage and races to confront Erica angrily, which only makes her seem more unhinged. “Melissa is batshit crazy,” explains Kasey matter-of-factly, and Michelle Money is clearly over it. “You’ve gotta just let it go,” she tells Melissa. “It’s driving everyone crazy.” When Michelle Money is telling you that you’re nuts, it’s time to buy a bus ticket to Bellevue.

By this point, Melissa has driven past the brink and is Thelma & Louise-ing it into Breakdown Canyon. The only man who can (and will) comfort her is Jake. “She wants to be loved and accepted more than she wants $250,000,” says the Ken Doll Terminator. “And unfortunately, I need her to stick around.” He eventually manages to lure a tearful Melissa out of the bathroom with the hopes that tonight’s the night they’ll finally send Kasey packing. But that just got a bit more difficult — it seems tonight both the “ladies” and the guys will be voting for the one man they’d like to send home. Erica begins campaigning hard to get seven votes for Kasey, even to the point of mending fences temporarily with Melissa by telling her she can do better than Blake. “First of all, he’s too young for you,” she says. “You need a guy that’s older and more mature.”

Once Kasey and Vienna find out what’s afoot, however, they begin storming around the house indignantly. “I just want to tell you Erica that you should be very ashamed of yourself,” snipes Vienna. “Coming into this house Kasey said you were one of his closest friends and he would never, ever stab you in the back, ever.” Erica doesn’t blink, though she does look pretty terrified by some phantom behind her when she goes into the voting room to send Kasey home. It’s all down to Kirk, and according to Jake, the “grace of God.” Dude, don’t bring God into this. He’s too busy watching Runway.

Once assembled in the driveway, challenge winner Michelle hands out the roses to the guys: Kirk, William, Blake… and then, after a ridiculously long pause as the ominous music marches toward its climax… Kasey. And we smash cut to black! Ugh, is it weird to say that I’m disappointed? As you know, I’m not a big fan of Jake, but he’s only marginally as annoying as Kasey and Vienna. (We need a couple name for them. Kavie? Kanna? K-V Jelly? Help me, Bachelor Pad nation.) What about you, rose lovers — are you thrilled, dismayed, or otherwise indifferent about this outcome? Do you think Jake will make good on his threat to “take down” several of his Pad-mates before he gets ushered into the Reject Limo? And is there anyone on this show to root for besides Stag? Post your comments below! And don’t forget to check out Chris Harrison’s exclusive blog over on Popwatch. Now, don your swimcaps and let’s talk Bachelor Pad!