Bachelor Pad recap: War Paint
Contestants show their true colors in an egg-throwing insult challenge, Gia freaks out, and Vienna and Kasey somehow manage to get even more annoying
Week two, season two, rose lovers, and all is right with the world — Brenchel is back together on Big Brother, the Red Sox are in first place (at press time, that is), and season two of Bachelor Pad is a completely ridiculous parody of itself. As the contestants file back into the McMansion after the rose ceremony, one of the “ladies” semi-jokes,”That was the most shocking exit in Bachelor Pad history!” While she’s probably talking about Rated R’s elimination tantrum, the unpopular wrestler’s memory is already fading, as focus turns to the one and only Jake. How long will it take Kasey to send him packing? Not long, according to Kasey. “I have control of this game,” gloats Vienna’s beau. “I’m going to crush him mentally, just beat down his spirits, just drive him crazy.”
If crazy is Kasey’s goal, he’s probably a bit too late, but let’s not quibble. It’s a new day, and Harrison is waiting in the driveway to welcome the contestants to their second competition, cheekily titled “Target on Your Back.” While the explanation is a little clunky — blindfolds, something about “difficult, revealing questions” — it’s essentially last season’s anonymous survey challenge, only this time contestants throw paint-filled eggs at each other for points. The men are the targets first. One by one, the “ladies” trot out of the Pad and answer questions by hurling an egg at one of their male opponents. First question is “Who are you the least attracted to?” Melissa tags William; Holly, Ella, Vienna (who claimed to have “pretty good aim”), and Michelle miss, which maybe means they want to boff them all; Erica hits William, and Jackie pegs Stagliano (beeyotch!). Almost every guy gets splattered at some point, but when it comes to the last question — “Who do you want to go home this week?” — it’s Jake who gets an extreme makeover: skin edition. Michelle, Holly, Michelle, Jackie, and of course Vienna all bean him with a paint-filled projectile. “It hurts, it really, really does,” sighs Jake. “This group, they really don’t even know me. They only know what they’ve read in the tabloids and what Vienna has told them… I’ve just gotta deal with it.”
What’s so brilliant about this competition is that not only does it completely humiliate the contestants — which, of course, is no one’s fault but their own — it also conjures up images of Team Bachelor Pad cackling in the writers’ room as they brainstorm challenges that will clearly communicate their utter disdain for the “stars” of their show. To that end, the tiebreak question is brutally blunt: “Who is the dumbest?” Jackie tries to hit William but she aims too high, while Melissa’s egg practically knocks Graham over. Crazy Melissa for the win!
Now it’s the “ladies” turn to take the hits, and the questions are no gentler for them. Who’s most likely to cheat on you? Jake — who continues to insist that Vienna was unfaithful — hits Vienna, but Kasey, who is psyched for the game because he plays baseball, tosses one “high and outside,” missing Ella. It’s Erica to gets doused during the “Who do you want to go home this week?” round, but what really hurts are all the eggs she takes for being voted least attractive. Graham, Blake, Kirk, William, and even Stag hammer her with ego-destroying eggs. “It just hurts because I’m naturally very curvaceous,” Erica whimpers tearfully after the competition. “It’s hurtful if people are targeting me especially when there’s someone like Ella who’s definitely way bigger than I am, and I don’t think she’s that pretty.” Fantastic, Erica. Good to see this hurtful experience has helped you grow as a person.
NEXT: Brokenhearted Stag checks into a haunted hospital
As one of the winners of the challenge, Stag gets to take three “ladies” on a group date. He chooses Erica (pity pick!), Michelle, and of course Holly, for whom he still carries a self-destructive torch. The good news is, when he inevitably gets burned, he’ll already be in the hospital — it turns out the group date is a nighttime tour of the now-abandoned (and allegedly haunted) Linda Vista Hospital. Armed with a flashlight, a night vision camera, and a map, Stag and his harem begin their Scooby Doo adventure, where they encounter a terrifying… mouse. “Just a mouse?” wonders Stag, marveling at how loud his dates can scream. “Not even, like, a haunted mouse?” He gets his ghost interface later that evening, when he and Erica try to “contact” the spirit of a former Linda Vista patient, who answers with the sound of rushing water. (Somewhere, a production assistant dumps a bucket of ice water on the concrete next to a microphone.)
In the midst of all of this supernatural silliness, Michelle is playing couples counselor, first grilling Holly and then Stag about the status of their relationship. “It feels like there’s something still there between you guys,” she says. That’s obvious enough, especially after Stag gives Holly the date rose, and then proceeds to pour his heart out, the poor guy. “I, like, want to hang out with you all the time, you know what I mean, now that we’re here,” he chokes, holding back tears. “Seeing you makes me realize that… [long, fraught pause] I really want you to be happy.” Their conversation is halting, awkward, and mostly just very sad, as Holly weakly tries to suggest that they’re better as “best friends,” an idea that crushes Stag’s heart all over again. “I knew I wanted to marry you and love you,” he says. “I didn’t think you were a best friend.” Eventually, they share a weepy hug, which looks like goodbye to me… but Stag clearly has other ideas. “If you need space, then I’ll give you space,” he says. “But it doesn’t change the fact that I love you.” Ugh, I hate seeing my dear Stag sad. You can do better, honey!
The next day, it’s Melissa’s turn for group-date fun, and she chooses Kirk, Kasey, and Blake. No, she’s not trying to move in on Vienna’s man — instead, Melissa hopes to strike a deal with Mr. Guard and Protect by giving him the date rose, and thereby (theoretically) securing a rose for herself the following week. The guy Melissa really has her sights on is Blake; unfortunately, he’s approaching the date with the grim resignation of a man who’s about to get a tooth pulled: “You’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do.”
Meanwhile, Jake is facing an equally daunting task: Getting people to stop hating him. That’s not going to be easy, given that Vienna has spent the past week droning on and on to anyone who’d listen (and even some who aren’t even bothering to listen) about all of the “unforgivable” things Jake did to her. How can he combat such character assassination? Simple: “I’m going to ask Vienna for help.” And by asking for help, of course, he means he’s going to let Vienna to display more relentless negativity in the face of yet another public olive branch from him, to ensure that everyone knows he’s wants to make things right. That is, he wants it to look like he wants to make things right. His plan appears to be working: Vienna’s rude rebuff of her ex-fiancé makes everyone else uncomfortable, and a little annoyed.
NEXT: Blake awakens the beast
Back on the boat, Blake is making a shameless play to steal the rose from Kasey. “I can tell everything about a person by the way they kiss,” he oozes to Melissa, before leaning in for the least sexy smooch of all time — even with the accompanying porn music. At least Blake knows how disgusting he is: “I have to kind of whore myself out to keep her happy.” And she LOVES it. Blake gets the rose, and more kisses from Melissa, which he’s able to tolerate a bit more easily because he’s had “a few drinks.” Way to keep it klassy, Blake!
This bit of chicanery comes back to haunt him the next night, when Melissa — prowling the pad in some hot pink sweats and a purple tank top — wants some lovin’ from her new man. She goes from room to room to room, calling his name, until she finally finds him alone with Holly on a giant bed. Seeing this private moment, she does what any sane woman would do – she lies down and adds a slice of crazy to Blake’s “lady” sandwich. After Holly’s inevitable departure, Melissa begins whisper-yelling at Blake about how she’s spent far too long defending herself about that “friggin’ episode” and now she’s back in the Pad to prove that she’s a “nice person” and “like, awesome.” Before he knows what hit him, Blake is feeling the full force of a Melissa meltdown. “I saw her episode of The Bachelor,” he laments. “She got kicked off for losing it. I don’t know why I chose to that person to align myself with and think that things would be different.” Silly, Blake — if you had good judgment you wouldn’t be living in the Hormone Hut, would you?
Cocktail party time! Jake heads straight to Kasey and Vienna, who are sitting outside with Kirk and Ella. (Floaters grab a life vest!) “You guys are basically the only ones that can save me tonight,” he begins. “I need your help. You don’t owe me anything — it would be merely out of the kindness of your heart.” Kasey sits stonefaced, clearly relishing his role as the Don Corleone of the Pad. “Do you think you deserve to be here?” he sniffs? Why, sure, says Jake. I want to win the money and give it to charity! Vienna is not having it. “I know you’re in debt, Jake,” she snorts. “I know you’re 250 — 300,000 in debt from your limo company. You can’t play me for a fool.” Oh, I think he can sweetheart. Because while you and your boyfriend are ripping Jake a new one in the courtyard, you’re also destroying what little patience people have for your arrogant antics. “I feel sorry for Jake,” sighs Ella. Adds Kirk, “Jake’s trying to be a really nice guy, but Kasey’s being a jerk.” But all Kasey cares about is that he guarded and protected Vienna’s icy cold heart — and he celebrates by flexing his forearm for the camera and making his heart tattoo “beat.” Uffda, I think my eyes just puked.
Clink clink clink! It’s Harrison time — are you ready? How come, wonders our fearless host, Stag and Holly can be in the house together without any problems, but Vienna and Jake are destroying the mood of the entire Pad? “You guys already forced Jake and I to go on TV and do a national breakup in front of everyone,” fumes Vienna, turning red. “I don’t think it was appropriate for you to make us do this again.” But no one disses Team Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor Pad in front of Harrison and gets away with it! “Who’s forcing you to be here?” he asks Vienna, before pointing toward the exits like an angry flight attendant. “That door’s open, that door’s open — nobody’s forced to be here.” Vienna shuts her trap.
NEXT: “The happiest limo ride in Bachelor history”
Once he’s done laying the smacketh down on Vienna’s candy ass, Harrison delivers this bombshell: It’s “ladies” night — two women will be going home! Looks like you picked the wrong night to be a psycho hose beast, huh Vienna? Panicked, she tries to demand obedience from her minions — “You guys sit down right now and say that we’re not doing this because this is cheating!” — but everyone pretty much ignores her. They’ve got bigger fish to fry. Kasey lets Gia know that Graham ratted her out, and she does NOT love it. Click-clack, click-clack go her heels on the pavement as she storms over to Graham. “I thought we were friends!” she huffs. Though Graham tries to defend himself, Gia’s had more than she can take. “I am walking out! This is not for me!” she sobs. And she means it. Within minutes, she’s traded her cocktail dress for Reject Jeans and heads for the waiting Reject Minivan. “I don’t want to be part of it anymore,” she moans to Harrison. “I don’t think I was made for this game.” You’re just realizing this now, sweetie, after three rounds as a reality TV victim? See you on BP3!
Everyone assumes Ella should be the next to go, but she’s not going down without making sad eyes at every single person in the house while telling them she’s a single mom. But will that be enough to earn more allies than Ames’ new ladylove Jackie? Technically, no… but with allies like Kasey and Vienna, who needs enemies? Though the Power Couple says they’re going to vote Ella out, they decide to keep Kirk’s new partner Ella in the house. Jackie nervously pulls apart string cheese as she awaits the vote, which all hinges on… Melissa. Oh dear, that’s not good. Especially since she’s shame spiraling over Blake’s continued flirting with Holly. “It sucks. When will it be my turn to have a Vienna-Kasey or a Jackie and Ames?” wonders Melissa, before hanging her head and weeping the tears of the perpetually lonely. (Oy, she’s nuts, but we’ve all been there, haven’t we girls? And yes, it does suck.) So will she take her woman scorned rage out on Jackie, whom Blake wants to keep? Oh, like we really need to ask.
And with that, Jackie gets the boot. Ames — rocking his Nantucket reds yet again! — has the same pleasantly confused expression on his face as he walks Jackie to the Reject Limo. They exchange a farewell hug and kiss, under the watchful lenses of two samurai cameramen. “I fell in love with her in a way that I’ve never fallen in love with anyone before,” Ames laments to the camera, shaking his head. As soon as he shuts the door to the Reject Limo, Ames is like a squirrel that can’t decide whether or not to cross the road: Should he go back to the Pad? Or chase after his dreamgirl? Suddenly, a smile of certainty crosses his face and, with a double goodbye wave to his former opponents, he turns and jogs his red-pant-covered butt to the limo and climbs inside. “Is there room for one more?” he asks Jackie. And she LOVES it.
While next week holds its share of surprises — wait, was that Erica making out with Jake? Weird! — let’s leave that aside for now and keep reveling in the warm fuzzies we got from the “happiest limo ride in Bachelor history.” So what if Ames and Jackie have only known each other for, like, 6 days. Good luck you crazy kids! Before signing off, be sure to post your thoughts on tonight’s whirlwind episode below. Will you miss Jackie and/or Ames? Who would get your vote for dumbest and least attractive? And can anyone stop Vienna and Kasey — besides themselves, that is? Grab some string cheese and let’s talk Bachelor Pad!
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