After an evening of bad dancing, bad decisions, and bad bluffing, the bachelors and bachelorettes bestow the cash prize on one (or two) of their own
Natalie, Dave, Elizabeth, Kovacs, Tenley and Kiptyn battled it out for the big bucks
Credit: Rick Rowell/ABC (3)

It was part Dating Game, part Intervention, part Skinemax, and all gross beyond our wildest dreams. And tonight, Bachelor Pad ended exactly the way it should have, with a showmance trumping a "real" "relationship." Take that, monogamy! There's a lot to cover, so let's get to it.

The post-mortem begins with a lot of back-slapping and toasting to the "super-duper six," but Natalie is having a hard time hiding her dismay. "We made a mistake getting rid of Jesse B. and Peyton," she says. "I'm over the pacts at this point. Pacts are [bleeeeep]."

You know what else is [bleeeeep]? White pants after Labor Day! But no one told Chris Harrison, who summons the contestants to the living room the next day while rocking some blindingly white slacks. (Yes, people, I know this was taped before Labor Day, but is there really any acceptable excuse for white pants on a man?) The bachelors and bachelorettes gloss right over Harrison's sartorial misstep and go straight to freaking out about the next competition: ballroom dancing! Kipper, who displayed tragically uncoordinated moves during his date with Jillian in Spain, is not pleased — but with trained dancer Tenley as his partner, Kiptyn probably doesn't need to worry (provided no one allows Rainbow Brite to dance the dance that's in her heart).

They all pile into limos, where Elizabeth — never one to miss an opportunity to browbeat Kovacs into loving her — warns him that if their dance instructor is female and Kovacs makes eye and/or bodily contact with her, she will set his bed on fire in the middle of the night. (Okay, I'm paraphrasing.) Once at the studio, the contestants are shocked to discover that they will be learning their moves from Dancing with the Stars pros Chelsea, Edyta, and Louis. It is no doubt pure happenstance that producers paired Kovacs and Elizabeth with sex bomb Edyta, a woman who, in Kovacs' words, is "so hot, it's almost unbearable." As the Polish beauty wraps her long, lithe legs around Kovacs' torso, Elizabeth manages to cloak her psychotic rage in "Oh-I'm-so-silly!" perkiness: "I feel a little tinge of jealousy every time she puts her hands up on my man…. I'm starting to freak out." (Translation: "Kill! Kill! Kill!")

A few studios over, Dave is doing whatever it takes to learn his cha-cha-cha, including hoisting Louis in his arms and spinning him like a giddy schoolgirl. "I'm twirling him, I'm dippin' him," says Dave. "And this is business to me. I'm not afraid to get in touch with my feminine side." (I'm sorry, is this the same man who threatened to tie Juan to a tree and "beat the s— out of him" for faking a shot?) Things soon get downright filthy, with Louie commanding Natalie to stick out her ass and "make this really doggie style," and to arch her back and "stick your nipples into his mouth." My goodness, watch your language, Mr. Van Amstel! Don't you know Bachelor Pad is a family show? Kiptyn, meanwhile, is so confused and overwhelmed he just starts reciting a random series of dance terms: "Hover step, sidebox step, twinkle, grapevine, shoulders down, hands up, small step, large step…" Could somebody please get him a glass of water or something? I think he's having a stroke.

NEXT: From the Super Six to the Foolish Four

Night falls, and it's showtime! The Bachelor Pad driveway has been transformed into a giant dance floor, where Harrison greets them and introduces the judges: Melissa, Jake, and Trista. Okay, I've got a few questions for Team Bachelor Pad. 1) Really? 2) You are aware that in order to be a judge, Melissa is going to have to open her mouth and speak, yes? 3) What part of Jake's disgusting display of cruelty and rage during his interview with Vienna made you decide that he deserved one more millisecond of airtime? Anyhow, Kiptyn and Tenley are up first, dancing the foxtrot. I'm going to be honest with you, folks — I have no interest in watching people dance. Doesn't matter if they're D-list celebrities, struggling nobodies desperate for a big break, or idiots on a dating show — I just don't care. That's why I have no insights or constructive criticism to offer regarding Kip and Tenley's routine, other than to say Kip's dancing skills fall somewhere between "totally wooden" and "monster performing 'Puttin' on the Ritz' in Young Frankenstein." It probably doesn't help that Tenley keeps ordering him to "Smile! SMILE!" through clenched teeth. The judges, who appear to be grading on a hairpin curve, give Kiptyn and Tenley 26 points (out of 30).

Kovacs and Elizabeth are ready to rhumba next, and blondie is able to keep it together for a good 27 seconds before pulling a complete Cindy Brady-on-the-quiz-show and forgetting every single step. Kovacs attempts to keep things going by dragging Elizabeth around the floor while counting out the steps aloud, but the result is, as Natalie gleefully suggests, as graceful as "Bambi on ice." Melissa, proving once and for all that she should be seen and not heard, tells Kovacs and Elizabeth that they did a "great job," while Trista's look of pure pity belies her weak "good job" critique. But the numbers don't lie: with only 24 points, Kovacs and Elizabeth are out of the running for the rose. "I haven't won anything," sighs Kovacs. "I haven't won a challenge, I haven't won a rose — nothing." Cheer up, pal…maybe they'll let you keep that V-neck unitard! Something tells me Dave and Natalie are going to have no trouble being the Fred and Ginger of this sorry bunch. Their cha-cha, while a little jerky and marred by a few missteps, is far and away the most non-embarrassing performance. And yet somehow, the "judges" give them only 25 points, meaning Kip and Rainbow Brite get the rose! Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, and by "state of Denmark" I mean "the Bachelor Pad control booth where producers, desperate to have Kip and Tenley in the finals, frantically yelled '8! 8! 8!' into Trista's earpiece." The sting of defeat burns through Dave, Natalie, Kovacs, and Elizabeth — and no doubt Kip-Ten's impromptu performance of a victorious Running Man routine makes it hurt all the more.

Elimination night arrives, and Kovacs wastes no time sidling up to Kiptyn to make sure he remembers that he and Elizabeth are "terrible" at competitions, while Natalie and Dave are "super intense" and "will do whatever it takes to win." Indeed, keeping Kovacs and Elizabeth around is certainly the smart strategic move — which is why it should come as absolutely no surprise to anyone that Kip and Tenley choose Dave and Natalie instead. Oh look, Tenley's crying! Yahtzee!! Even though she's riding home in the Reject Limo, Elizabeth keeps her eye on the prize — not the money, silly. Kovacs! "I would love for that day to come where…he can say that he loves me," she says. "Even $250,000 — to me, that's a small price [to pay] for love." And what do you know, the wine guy says he does want to continue his "journey" with Elizabeth, with whom he has an "awesome" relationship. And with that, it's time for everyone to pack up and leave the Pad. The "live" finale awaits!

NEXT: Reunited and it feels so…tense and awkward

But because Team Bachelor Pad has two hours to fill, we're not going to get our "winner" for awhile. First, we get a mini Tell All special, with all your "favorite" "players" returning for a few more minutes in the warm, womb-like embrace of the Bachelor bubble. Things get off to an amusingly bitchy start as Elizabeth responds to Harrison's question about whether she and Kovacs are still together with a snippy, "No! He's single! If anyone wants to date a player, here you go!" [Cue oh-no-she-didn't reaction shots from audience] The short version of this shocking story: "He wanted to have a casual relationship," says blondie-now-brownie, "and I don't do casual relationships." (That's an understatement, honey.) Moving on to strategy — or lack thereof — Harrison grills the "outsiders" on why they couldn't get their act together…but that quickly gets derailed when Gia reveals that she's single, prompting Wes to stammer like a schoolboy before uttering this soundbite-ready admission, "Bad boys need love too." And he's about to get it, right there on stage: Gia plants one on her new man — but no, sweetie, ABC is not going to send you to the Fantasy Suite, unless you two agree to let them televise the consummation of your relationship. (Two other random observations: Brilliant reaction shot to a sour Krisily when Dave and Natalie are announced! Also, where did Melissa get that maternity mini-dress — A Pea in a Hooker's Pod?)

Now let's get to it! Harrison explains that the cast-offs are going to vote for the couple who deserves the money most — and the winning couple will advance to the next round. But first, the Final Four will have to submit to some tough questioning by the losers they voted out. Jessie and Krisily are mad at Dave for getting them sent home, and true to Captain Rage form he is brusque and dismissive in his responses to the "ladies." Peyton and Gia take Kiptyn to task for saying he wasn't in a relationship with Tenley, and for sending Nikki home even though she saved his ass early on. But all of these are gentle love taps when compared to the right hook of repressed rage Michelle throws toward Tenley, aka The Woman Who Started the Rumor. "I was pissed, I was livid, Tenley!… I lost respect for you, I didn't care for you, and to this day I don't care for you. I'll tell you right now, you don't have my vote." Oh look, Tenley's almost crying! Uno!

It is time for the couples to stand before the jury of their peers and plead for money. Natalie rushes through a frank and strategic speech, saying she would like to pay off her debts, start up a small charity for prostate cancer (her dad's a survivor), and "be able to breathe again." Dave turns on what little charm he has, apologizing to Krisily for the "mix-up" which resulted in her ouster, and saying he hopes he brought some "comic relief" to the proceedings. (Cut to Juan, no doubt thinking, "Yeah, like that hilarious time you threatened to beat the s— out of me. Good times!") Gwen gets the last laugh, though, when she interrupts to tell Dave she was hurt by his comment that anyone in their 30s was a "loser" for being in the Pad. While Dave doesn't back down — "It's not something that I would like to be doing when I'm 40 years old" — he is forced to apologize after Gwen gets a round of applause from the crowd.

NEXT: Keep or share?

Kip-Ten are up next, and — what a surprise! — Tenley plays the victim, saying how "incredibly uncomfortable" the game was for her, because she's so "sensitive" and "emotional." Plus, she lost her house when her marriage fell apart. OMG, so sad. Kiptyn, ever the Good Guy, tells everyone he'll give $50,000 to charity and leaves it at that. Screw helping people — this show is about strategy and gameplay. And not talking like you just inhaled helium. So it's Dave and Natalie for the win! Before they have much time to celebrate making it to the next round, Harrison drops the Prisoner's Dilemma bomb: Dave and Natalie must go to separate deliberation rooms backstage and decide whether they want to keep the money for themselves or share it with each other. If they both pick "share," Dave and Natalie split the money. If one picks "keep," that person gets all the cash, and if they both pick "keep," Dave and Natalie get nothing and the cast-off contestants share the prize. OMG YOU GUYS WHAT WILL THEY DO???

Dave, who looks like he's about to barf, reveals his sign first: SHARE. Natalie goes all twitchy, and prefaces her reveal with a cryptic defense: "The only time to be selfish is when you get your friends as far as you can get them." And…PSYCH! She totally chose "share" too. All hail Natalie and Dave, the "champions" of the Bachelor Pad! Next stop, a Wheaties box!

Well, rose lovers, what say you? Did Dave and Natalie earn the cash? Was there ever any doubt in your mind that Natalie was going to share the money? And are you as shocked as I am that 12 hours of your life is now gone and you'll never, ever get it back? Sound off below! And don't forget to check out Chris Harrison's exclusive Bachelor Pad blog over on PopWatch. Okay, Wes, sing us out, won't you? They say, love don't come eeee-zaaay….

Episode Recaps

Bachelor Pad
Chris Harrison reassembles former rose-contenders for a second chance at reality fame, love, and televised skankiness
  • TV Show
  • 3

Comments have been disabled on this post