Bachelor Pad recap: They're Fake, and They're Not so Spectacular
Welcome, rose lovers! You’re just in time for this week’s Bachelor Pad vocabulary lesson. Wes, you were just in the middle of saying that Gia going home last week was, in your words, ”an atrocity.” Class, who can tell him what is wrong with this usage of ”atrocity”? Did Gia going home involve, say, 6 million people being put to death? No, it did not. So who can tell me a different word that Wes could have used to describe Gia’s departure? ”Predictable?” Absolutely. ”Completely her fault?” Yes, that’s another good choice. ”Really kind of nice actually?” Perfect. Now, let’s move on.
Inside the Bachelor Pad, the gang is performing the post-mortem ritual, and Wes just can’t let it go. ”Can we do one thing? Can we quit bending over and blowing smoke up each other’s asses?” (Wow, thanks for the visual, cowboy.) The gang sits in uncomfortable silence, so Captain Rage steps into the void and calls Wes a ”jackass” for not accepting the reality of reality TV: there can only be one winner. Natalie, for all of her ”I’ve made the rounds” bluster, offers some surprisingly astute insight: ”This game is all about relationship building. It’s not about the best kisser or who eats the most pie… He needs to be careful.” Just as it seems that Dave and Wes might come to blows, ding-dong! The Accent Table of Doom is at the door! Gee, you’re working late, buddy. I hope they’re paying you overtime. The ATOD comes bearing something beyond awesome: An anonymous survey that each of the contestants must fill out about one another. Brilliant move on Team Bachelor Pad‘s part to have the gang complete the survey at the end of a long, wine-soaked evening — when good judgment and restraint are at their lowest. Oh look, Tenley’s crying. Everybody take a shot!
The next morning, Melissa struts in and leads the group outside for the day’s competition. There, the gang finds Harrison (looking weekend casual in a grey henley) waiting for them — along with two long benches and some whiteboards. In order to win, each contestant has to guess how the majority of the other contestants in the house answered questions in last night’s Survey of Bitterness and Hate. And truly, the questions on this survey are inspired: Who is going to win? (Survey says: Kiptyn!) Who is your biggest enemy? The answer is… Krisily??? Did I miss something? ”Krisily is everyone’s enemy,” explains Natalie, ”because she’s straight up just a bitch.” Well, that clears things up. Moving on: Who is the most shallow? (It’s a split! The ”ladies” say Elizabeth and the guys say Krisily — but blondie wins, and her acceptance speech is a thing of beauty: ”I don’t know what shallow really means.”) I would have paid cold hard cash to be in on the meeting at Bachelor Pad HQ when the producers sat around brainstorming the meanest, most self-esteem depleting questions they could think of. That is my idea of a good time. When the time comes to vote which player is the dumbest, Natalie gets most of the guys’ votes (and her own!), but unfortunately poor Gwen — again, did I miss something? — is unfairly saddled with the stupidity title. ”I would take an IQ test against anybody here,” she fumes.
NEXT: Fake boobs, real feelings
Tenley is the first woman to rack up four points so she takes the rose, while the men continue to battle it out. First question is a softball — who does everyone have a crush on? (Answer: Captain Rage. I’ve given up trying to understand this game.) But then things get nasty: ”Who will be a bridesmaid, but never a bride?” Day-um, that is harsh. The win goes to Natalie. She ”likes to party,” explains Wes. ”She’s going to have to find a guy who puts up with her lifestyle.” (Translation: Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?) The crushing humiliation of being voted Most Likely to Die Alone in Your Cat-Filled Apartment (And By the Way Said Cats Will Likely Eat the Face off of Your Corpse As You Rot for Days and No One Finds You) leaves Natalie in tears. ”It hit home, you know,” she says. Even worse, her ”secret” boyfriend Dave voted for her, which ”just sucks.” Wes takes the crown as the biggest jerk (a shock to absolutely no one but Wes, who voted for Dave), and then comes the mother of all tiebreakers: Who has the worst boob job? Wow. Well, played, Team Bachelor Pad. Well played. It’s hard to tell who looks more uncomfortable — the ”ladies” or Kovacs, who finds himself pinned between a rock and a rock-hard implant. ”I have to write down who the majority of the house thinks has the worst boob job, and that could be Elizabeth.” Though he knows the right answer, he writes down the safe answer — Krisily — because there are more important things in life, like ”relationships.” And ”not getting his nuts cut off in the middle of the night.” So it’s Jesse B. for the win!
Blondie is of course chagrined to learn that her ta-tas are seen as sub-par. ”I mean, you try to look beautiful, and you want to be beautiful…” she tells the camera, before trailing off in tears. Cheer up, sweetie. At least you get a one-on-one date with Kovacs as your consolation prize. I’m sure he’s reaaallly looking forward to a night out with you and your shattered self-worth. He does his best to soothe her hurt feelings by insisting that the other ”ladies” are just ”jealous” — and the whole thing actually makes him realize that he, you know, totally likes her: ”I knew right then and there that I actually truly, 100 percent care about this girl.” Meanwhile, the rest of the ”ladies” have scuttled back inside the Pad to cry in peace. Poor Natalie even hides in the shower in a vain attempt to get some privacy, but Gwen and the Bachelor Pad cameras find her. ”Believe me,” says Gwen, ”we’ve all been insulted today. You can’t take it personally.” But Natalie is inconsolable: ”It’s like my biggest fear, seriously.” And like Kovacs, it appears that the sad, insecure blonde also learns something about herself from this experience. ”It’s really, really hard to have that stereotype — and I put it on myself.” Once again, nice work Team Bachelor Pad… you managed to orchestrate both a heartless exercise in abject humiliation AND a teachable moment. Bravo!
NEXT: Tenley gets her man
Okay, enough of this touchy-feely crap. It’s time for Tenley’s date! She picks Kipper, and they’re whisked off in a limo for an ”island” adventure. Oh look, a helicopter! That never happens in the Bachelor/Bachelorette universe! They fly to Catalina island and proceed to harness up for a zip-line excursion. Tenley is hoping this ”leap of faith” will bring Kipper closer to her, since he’s been ”distant” in the Pad. And then I’m not quite sure what happens next because Tenley’s scream pierced my eardrums and I was not able to hear the rest of the date. It was actually a blessing, because I really didn’t want to listen to the smacking noises the duo made as they made out on the bluff. Later that night, Kipper lets Tenley know that he does, in fact, find her attractive, but he’s been holding back because they’ve been under ”a magnifying glass.” Now that they’re alone and he can’t be judged, he would like to hit that in the Fantasy Suite, please. ”I haven’t been with a man since Jake broke my heart,” says Tenley, ”so I’m ready to open up my heart again.” Ugh… too many… dirty… jokes… possible. Can’t choose…
A-hole that he is, the next day Kipper stops Tenley to tell her they have to ”tone things down” and put on their ”game face” before they go back inside the Bachelor Pad. He blames it on strategy, but it comes across more like a dickish ”keepin’ my options open” move. Meanwhile, the sky’s the limit for Jesse B. and Peyton, who take the limo to an airstrip, where a biplane is waiting for them. Ok, seriously, can Peyton please get ONE romantic date that doesn’t involve any kind of dangerous mode of transportation? And their ”intimate” dinner? It’s in an airplane hangar for God’s sake. And yet she LOVES it, and is thrilled to get the rose from Jesse B… that is, until he unleashes a loud trucker burp in her personal space. It then becomes even more abundantly clear what a bad, bad idea those vodka martinis were, because Jesse B. proceeds to turn a good save — ”Your eyes are awesome” — into a dis, saying those eyes are ”the only reason you’re on this date tonight.” He then snickers like Beavis, or maybe Butt-Head, though that comparison is really not fair to either of those animated morons. (Peyton’s expression — a sort of ”Am I being Punk’d??” bewilderment — is priceless.) From there, Jesse B. reveals himself for what he truly is: A dim, 25-year-old man-child who can’t hold his liquor. ”Jesse’s treating me like a little sister,” sighs Peyton, in the most diplomatic statement of the evening. ”I don’t think it’ll be a romantic evening, and it’s disappointing.” She wisely decides to pass on the fantasy suite. ”When a guy’s burping in your face,” she explains, ”that doesn’t really make you feel special.” I’m not sure how many times I’m going to have to say this, ”ladies,” but if your goal is to feel special, checking into the Bachelor Pad is probably not the best way to go about making it happen.
The sun rises on elimination day, and once again Kovacs and Krisily are in the crosshairs. Kovacs — who seriously is like a malfunctioning robot, spouting the phrases ”I’m on the chopping block” and ”There’s a huge target on my back” in an endless loop — is hoping Wes takes the bullet, while Krisily thinks there’s a chance Gwen could leave instead. Wes is campaigning like it’s his job — literally. ”The people in the house just want to party,” he sniffs. ”This is like my job. This is like work.”
NEXT: Krisily fails to keep it klassy
Voting begins, and Nikki aims squarely for the aforementioned target on Kovacs’ back, Natalie tearfully drops Wes’ photo in the box, as does Elizabeth, while Captain Rage, Kovacs and Kipper stand outside and argue between Krisily and Gwen. Kiptyn is reluctant to vote for Gwen but Captain Rage says they should keep Krisily around, because he can manipulate her into doing his bidding. The key to their whole plan is Kiptyn — if he doesn’t go along with their vote for Gwen, they believe it’ll be a 2-2 tie between Gwen and Elizabeth, and rose-holder Jesse B. will break the tie by sending blondie home. But look who’s grown a pair! Kipper is not letting the big boys push him around. ”I gotta wake up on the morning and feel okay with it,” he tells the Testosterone Twins. ”And Krisily is the only person I can cast a vote for and feel like I did what I had to do.”
And thus it comes to pass that Krisily, despite being told by her crush Dave earlier in the evening that she was safe, is given an unwelcome escort to the Reject Limo. But she’s not going quietly: ”I wish very good luck to anyone who is not Kovacs, Kiptyn, Elizabeth and Tenley,” she huffs, ”because they’re going to be the final four… No one has the guts to break them.” Wes, however, keeps it ”classy,” just telling his fellow contestants he had a great time, even though he knows Captain Rage, Kovacs and Kiptyn convinced Krisily to vote against him. I cannot believe I’m saying this, but suddenly Wes seems to have the most perspective — this is just a reality TV competition for cash, people — than anyone else in the house. But the cynic in me says this new-and-improved Wes is the result of a carefully orchestrated image overhaul from a guy who wants to extend his time in the reality TV spotlight without the burden of having to play the villain. If Chris L. turns down the gig, might we be seeing Wes as the next Bachelor? Lord help us all!
Okay, enough conspiracy theorizing. Tell me what you thought of tonight’s episode. What was your favorite question on that evil survey? And what questions should they have asked? On a scale of bad to disfiguring, how would you rate Elizabeth’s boob job? Are Tenley and Kipper in it for the long haul, or will their combined annoyingness cause their relationship — and possibly the universe — to collapse in on itself like a dying star? All right, rose lovers, put your pencils down and let’s talk Bachelor Pad!
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