Seriously. Someone has to.
Bachelor Pad
Credit: Rick Rowell/ABC

Welcome to week two, rose lovers! I don’t know about you, but I feel dumber already. Let’s start this recap with a hearty congratulations to Michael ”break dancer” Stagliano and his brother Stephen, who recently got engaged to some girls. Too bad, Jillian — you had your chance. (Not to be outdone, Deanna’s ex Jesse also snagged himself a life partner.) Now, on to Bachelor Pad.

So, this is weird…episode two opens at last week’s cocktail party. Is it me, or is it very disorienting not to begin a Bachelor/Bachelorette episode on a bright sunny California day? I suppose the key reason producers chose to pick things up right where they left off is so that we could witness Elizabeth and Kovacs’ post-show debrief, in which blondie again warns her pretend boyfriend that people are ”upset” with him, and that he’s going to have to stick by her if he wants to stay in the game: ”I think it’s best if we show each other that our paths match up.” In other words, You’re mine, bitch! Kovacs is definitely feeling the pull of the leash, though he’s pretending to like the feel of the choke collar around his neck: ”I’m actually realizing the being in a couple is a better strategy than being alone,” he insists. Speaking of couples, Natalie has fallen hard for Tattoo Jesse, so much so that she lets him feel her up on the couch. ”I’m like, ‘Oh my gosh, does my hair look okay?”’ she confesses to the camera. ”I’m being all insecure with myself. It’s kind of frustrating.” Don’t worry, honey — Jesse has high praise for you, too, specifically that you are in ”rad shape” and are ”really cool.”

The next morning, while the guys are comically groggy — ”So who went home last night?” asks a no-doubt-hungover McAngry — the girls are busy strategizing…and worrying. Apparently, cliques have already started to form, between the ”inside girls” — e.g., women who live their lives inside the incestuous Bachelor/Bachelorette bubble, like Tenley and Elizabeth — and ”outside girls”, like Peyton, Gwen, Nikki, Gia, and Krisily. After Peyton explains the ”outside” team’s decision to join forces and win competitions (good plan, girls!), Melissa and her severe ponytail lead the contestants outside for their next competition, entitled, ”Eating Your Feelings (In Pie Form).” And that’s when things get serious, you guys. Krisily so doesn’t want to cry, because she’s not that girl, but…she has no gall bladder, okay? And, like, she can’t digest fat. She has to sit this one out. Win this one for her, won’t you ”ladies”? Win it for Krisily. Not surprisingly, Captain Rage has no tolerance for Krisily’s desire to stay out of the hospital, proclaiming that she should have just ”tried to suck it up.” Ooh, he made a pun!

Naturally, the first thing several of the ”ladies” do when they sit down at the table is whip their shirts off, because how else are they going to get pie in their cleavage? While the pie is a perfectly normal looking cherry confection, the women act like they’re being force-fed something fresh out of Sweeney Todd’s oven — though maybe it’s just the experience of having food in their mouths that they find so unsettling. Jessie, bless her heart, is the only lady who is going to TOWN, rooting around in the pie tin like a pig in a trough. You go, Jessie!

NEXT: You call that art?

Tenley, of course, feels victimized by the pie, and is one of the first to need the vomit bucket. You know what is not sexy? Girls barfing up pie. To his credit, Captain Rage says the situation ”brought us all closer together,” because the men have ”seen ’em at their worst now.” (I’m starting to think Dave’s brain is run by 1,000 monkeys with typewriters — and every once in a while, it spits something out that makes sense.) At the end, it’s a race between Gia, Peyton, and Tenley…and the ”outside” girls take it! Congrats to you, Gia! Just FYI, that warm feeling you have in your tummy right now is called being full.

Okay, boys — you’re up! What follows is a truly sad display of gastrointestinal weakness, as the ”athletic” guys including Captain Rage and Kovacs whine about how hard it is to eat all that pie, while the scrappy little weatherdude inhales the contents of the pan with the strength of a Dyson vacuum. Suck it, jocks! This outcome is pleasing to no one — especially McAngry, who unsuccessfully tried to soak up pie with his hair during the competition, and now feels that he’s on the chopping block. He and his hair should relax, though, because Gia and the weatherdude are focusing on breaking up the ”inside” clique: Tenley, Kovacs, Elizabeth, Jesse B., and Captain Rage.

Ding Dong! It’s the Accent Table of Doom at the door! Along with the date card message — ”Reveal your true selves, no brushes allowed” — the ATOD also reveals a key piece of information: The weatherman has come to play. He chooses Gwen, Peyton, and Ashley for the date, or, as Kovacs puts it, ”girls who haven’t hooked up with anyone in the house.” It’s a smart move, one that leaves the wine guy reluctantly impressed: ”I think the weatherman’s more of a threat than I initially thought.” Of course, I’m sure the move did not seem quite as smart to producers, who now must watch four of the least sexy contestants engage in the day’s chosen activity: body painting! Wow, what a missed opportunity. Why didn’t Team Bachelor Pad switch the dates up and give Gia the R-rated art project? Maybe they just like making the weatherman put on a Speedo.

Anyhow, back at the Bachelor Pad, the ”cool” kids are frittering the night away in the hot tub while Krisily, Gia, and Nikki huddle in the bedroom, planning a coup. It’s a numbers game, explains Krisily — in order to keep from getting ousted by the ”insiders,” the uncool kids need to recruit McAngry for his vote. If he comes over to the Dork Side, it’ll be 9 vs. 8: Craig, Jessie, Gia, Krisily, Gwen, Peyton, Nikki, Ashley, and the weatherman vs. Natalie, Captain Rage, Kovacs, Jesse B., Tenley, Elizabeth, Kiptyn, and Wes. Or something. The whole idea gives Krisily ”the goose bumps;” it gives Ashley the butterflies, however, because she’s such close friends with many of the ”cool” girls. Still, Ashley assures the weatherman that she’s willing to join forces with his rag-tag group of unsexy outsiders.

We now interrupt this discussion of strategy to contemplate the news that the weatherman kind of has a thing for…GWEN. Even better is the fact that she is beyond not into it, telling the camera, ”That’s not going to happen in a million years.” You go, ”old” lady of the house! String that little weatherbitch along!

NEXT: Wes performs the Jedi mind trick on Gia

The real drama begins the next day, when Gia sits down with the weatherman to discuss her master plan. The forecast calls for ”oh no, you didn’t” when she tells him that McAngry is getting the rose — weatherman says it should go to Wes instead, because somehow that will result in Kiptyn getting kicked out. To be honest, I really cannot follow their heated debate — the best moment of which is when Gia literally calls Jonathan ”weatherman” to his face — but it all boils down to one question: Whose side is Ashley on? Well, two questions: Does Gia kiss her mother with that mouth? By my count, she dropped three f-bombs (and two s-words) during her exchange with the weatherdude. When the date card arrives, Gia and her unfortunate headband pick Wes (her coach during the pie eating contest) and McAngry first. Then she pretends to choose the third bachelor’s name at random by pulling a slip of paper out of a bowl, but in fact she’s written Jesse B.’s name on every single scrap. ”I need him on our side,” she explains to the camera. ”I have to show him that he needs to start working with the weatherman and Craig.” Fair enough, but is she not at all concerned that someone might, I don’t know, look in the bowl after she’s gone and see that she lied about the ”random” selection? If no one thinks to do that, then I guess they deserve to be duped.

The date takes them to a Moroccan-style tent set up in the middle of what looks like a public courtyard. It seems as though it’s going to be a suspense-free night, given that Gia a) has a boyfriend and is theoretically not interested in any of these men and b) has already said she’s giving the rose to McAngry. The only question hanging over the evening is whether Tattoo Jesse can be flipped to the Dork Side, and based on what he tells Gia, the answer is maybe. ”Natalie is a cool chick,” he says, ”but it’s a game. And once she has to go…it’s not going to be hard for me to, um, to do that.” (Ouch!) ”I’m here for $250,000, and that’s really it,” he continues. ”And to meet you.” Awww! Or, rather, bulls—! Gia is flattered, but she insists she won’t let Tattoo Jesse’s charm ”misconstrue” her strategy. Wow, she just misconstrued the meaning of ”misconstrue.” I feel the vocabulary universe collapsing in on itself.

Ah, if only we had reached the depths of Gia’s foolishness there. But no, rose lovers, it goes much, much deeper. Later on that evening, Wes dusts off the old ”I’m crazy about you” song-and-dance for Gia, and because he is an emotional terrorist, he does not stop there: ”I love you, you know?” Somehow, God help me, this towering pile of steaming-hot elephant manure actually makes Gia cry. ”Everyone’s got it wrong about you,” she sniffles. AND THEN SHE GIVES HIM THE ROSE. I am embarrassed at how angry this makes me. I literally yelled, ”What? You stupid dumb bitch!” so loud that my colleague (and next door office-neighbor) Jason Adams came by to see what the matter was. Truly, it’s pathetic how much I care about the actions of an incomprehensibly gullible swimsuit model. Somebody please stage an intervention. I am begging you.

NEXT: Nikki, the one-woman swing state

With the power suddenly back in the hands of the ”cool kids,” Jessie decides to secure her safety in both camps by whispering in Dave’s ear about the two alliances and how the men should keep her around because she has ”insider information.” Little do they know that Krisily is eavesdropping on their hot tub meeting, and she wastes no time spreading the word that Jessie S. is ”a snake.” The action then segues clumsily to Tattoo Jesse, who has fallen prey to Gia’s feminine wiles and needs an excuse to nip his nascent showmance with Natalie in the bud. His solution? Politely inform her that he doesn’t like sluts. Jesse meekly confronts Natalie about rumors that she’s ”made the rounds” with the bachelors, leaving the beleaguered blonde in tears. Gia, meanwhile, feels confident that she’s righted her rose wrong by convincing Gwen, Peyton, Krisily, and Nikki to vote Kiptyn off — even if the five remaining cool girls vote for McAngry, she breaks the tie and Kipper goes home. It’s a good plan, but there’s another way she could have kept Craig safe: BY GIVING HIM THE ROSE IN THE FIRST PLACE. Grrrrrr.

Harrison walks in wearing a purple polka-dotted tie that is truly ridiculous yet somehow works on him. Within seconds, he manages to crank the tension in the room up to 11 by asking Elizabeth about her ”relationship” with Kovacs. ”I don’t think that mine is any different than Tenley and Kiptyn’s…” begins blondie, prompting Rainbow Brite to offer a helium-voiced protest: ”Well, there might be physical differences.” Then she starts crying, because her heart has an ouchie. This devolves into a cathartic discussion of how ”ugly” the game has already gotten and how much ”bulls—” is going on. In other words, everyone in the room suddenly realizes they are on a reality TV show. Voting finally begins, and McAngry’s chances are not looking good — Tenley, Natalie (and the pink tutu she may or may not have stolen from a 5-year-old girl), Elizabeth, and Ashley put his picture in the box. Poor Jessie is shocked — shocked — to discover that the cool kids think she’s playing both sides, having apparently forgotten the moment earlier in the evening when she told Dave she was playing both sides. To prove her loyalty to the insiders, she reluctantly votes McAngry out, too. The outside girls are all voting for Kiptyn…or are they? Short answer: No. Nikki breaks her word and votes for McAngry, sending him home along with the duplicitous Jessie. So the cool kids win again, just like in life. And it’s all thanks to Gia, the swimsuit model who claims bullies used to steal her shoes back in high school. Oh, girl, they can take your shoes…just don’t let them take what’s left of your dignity.

I will miss McAngry’s hair, and his Miami Vice style. I won’t really miss Jessie, but I’m sure producers will invite her back for Bachelor Pad 2. What about you, rose lovers? Did Gia’s giant mistake make you as angry as it made me? If so, how are you channeling that anger? (I could use some tips.) When you’re done posting in the comments section, be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s exclusive Bachelor Pad blog over in PopWatch. Until then, just know that I’m crazy about you. In fact, I love you.

Episode Recaps

Bachelor Pad
Chris Harrison reassembles former rose-contenders for a second chance at reality fame, love, and televised skankiness
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