By Kristen Baldwin
August 27, 2019 at 10:04 PM EDT
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Weddings, amirite? On tonight’s Bachelor in Paradise, former contestants Krystal and Chris got a free destination wedding while producers got a lot of drama and tears at the ceremony. But things started getting messy even before the bride walked down the aisle. Let’s recap.

Bachelor in Paradise screen grab
ABC

PRE-WEDDING RELATIONSHIP STATUS

Dean and Caelynn: “Thanks for a good birthday,” the beauty queen coos while embracing Dean after the rose ceremony. “He really has grown, and I can see that,” she tells us. “We talk about kids, we talk about what we want in a partner and a future and a life.”

Cut to:

ABC

After being pranked by Dean with fake “I’ve gotta talk to yous” all summer, naturally the poor woman thought he was kidding when he pulled her aside after the rose ceremony. Sadly, he was not. “I know that I won’t be able to get where you would need me to be by the end of this,” says Dean. “I think I should go home… Our lifestyles are not going to be compatible coming out of this.”

To compound Caelynn’s humiliation, everyone watches Dean dump her from the Rose Palapa. “I just want to go home,” she whimpers.

John Paul Jones and Tayshia and Derek: Before the gang heads out for the wedding, JPJ — who gave his rose to Haley the night before — breaks down over Tayshia’s budding relationship with Derek. “I did not expect this to happen,” he says through sobs, as Blake comforts him. “I’ve been looking for my wife since I was 18, man.”

ABC

Hang in there, JPJ. And maybe ask production for some proper Kleenex rather than farmer-blowing into the sand. (Gag.)

GOIN’ TO THE CHAPEL AND THERE’S GONNA BE DRA-A-A-MA

The gang descends on the Vidanta resort to celebrate the nuptials of BiP season 5 success story Krystal and Chris (I refuse to call him “Goose”). In addition to the current Paradise cast, dozens of other members of Bachelor Nation are there to celebrate: Former Bachelorette Becca, Kendall and Grocery Joe, former Bachelor Ben Higgins, Ashley I. and Jared, Astrid and Kevin, Raven and Adam (seriously, I still don’t get it), and more.

Also attending: Clay’s ex-girlfriend Angela, who is one of Krystal’s bridesmaids. (Turns out Chris was the one who introduced Clay to Angela!) “I’m going to need to hydrate because I know I’m going to be sweating,” says Clay.

The freshly-dumped Caelynn, meanwhile, would rather be anywhere else than at someone else’s wedding, but she does perk up a bit when Connor (from Hannah’s season of The Bachelorette) arrives. “I know he probably is a better match than Dean is for me,” she says.

JPJ is still moping around, too, as he watches Tayshia and Derek together before the wedding. “Derek is that creepy guy who, you know, graduated high school five years ago and comes back to the high school parties despite the fact that he’s a grown-ass man,” he grouses. (Sorry, buddy, but if anyone seems like a guy who can’t progress emotionally past high school, it’s you.) JPJ plops himself down next to Tayshia and begins giving her his sales pitch: “I think there’s definitely more potential for a long-term relationship between the two of us,” he says. “I don’t think that Derek is that guy [for you].” Irritated, Tayshia tells him that this is not the time or place for them to have such a serious, personal discussion.

We interrupt this recap to yell loudly at our screens, Holy crap, is that Brooks from Desiree’s season of The Bachelorette???

ABC

Lookin’ good, buddy — even with the man-bun.

As always, Chris Harrison does a bang-up job officiating the wedding — even when forced to lead Chris and Krystal through something called a “smudge-pot” cleansing ceremony. (“Really get in there,” he tells the guy wafting the sage smoke around with a feather.)

ABC

Congrats, you crazy kids.

POST-WEDDING RELATIONSHIP STATUS

Derek and Tayshia and John Paul Jones: “I’m a little conflicted at the moment,” Tayshia tells Annaliese (welcome back, girl!). “Derek is older, he has experience; JPJ is much younger, and I don’t know if he’s lived enough life yet, to be quite honest with you.”

JPJ, though, thinks that Derek has a little too much experience. “Derek has expressed to me multiple times his reaching out to his fans and taking advantage of them sexually,” he tells Katie. “A man that takes advantage of women because of the very temporary status he’s acquired through this process doesn’t really strike me as a man of integrity.”

What? Sweet, woke Derek is a serial man-whore? And he’s intentionally creating drama so he has something to talk about on his podcast? Those are pretty serious accusations, JPJ! Do we believe them, rose lovers? I suppose it’s all (very) possible, even though I’d really like to believe that Derek is a good guy. Still, it’s always interesting when Paradise wades into the post-show financial ecosystem these contestants fuel.

To JPJ’s credit, he doesn’t just talk trash about Derek behind his back — he storms over and confronts him directly. (With a little producer encouragement, I’m sure.)

ABC

Congrats, Krystal and Chris! As your wedding gift, producers got you two randoms creating a loud and embarrassing scene during your cocktail hour! Tayshia, mortified, bursts into tears and hides around a corner. Then Chris and Krystal summon the Paradise players — not for a talking-to, but for a well-timed “thanks for coming.” Oh, and they also announce that these people, and these people only, are invited to the reception: Hannah, Dylan, Caelynn, Blake, Mike, Christina, Tayshia, and Clay.

Correct, Nicole. Have fun back at the beach while your boyfriend hangs out with his ex-girlfriend all night! Well played, producers. Well played.

Angela and Clay and Nicole: “There’s a huge chance that Clay could still have feelings for Angela,” says Nicole, as we cut between the gang back at the beach and Angela giving a toast at the reception. “I am worried that she may try to take him back.”

Unclear, but Angela and her “revenge body” are determined to show Clay what he’s missing — so when he pulls her aside to chat, she says yes. “It’s been tough knowing that I was going to see you,” says Clay. “I still do care about you a lot… I just want you to be happy.” Angela’s all, Fine, but you know it was effed up for you to go to Paradise in the first place.

“I never wanted to hurt you,” replies Clay, leaning forward and resting his hand on Angela’s leg. “I know coming here was selfish, and I’m sorry.” Getting rejected from the NFL, says Clay, threw him into an existential “what am I doing for the rest of my life” crisis. “I’m sorry the way things ended with us,” he says. “I still care a lot about you.”

Uh-oh, Nicole. The next day, she seeks Clay out for a rundown of what happened the night before. He admits that Angela is still a “special person” to him but says Nicole has nothing to worry about. Actually…

ABC

Of course. Well played again, producers. Well played.

Blake and nobody: It’s more than a little satisfying to watch Blake mope around at the reception, getting teased by former contestants about his escapades (“Anything can happen at Stagecoach! Too soon?”) and fielding unsolicited advice (“You should probably go to Europe”).

Caelynn and Connor: Good Lord, woman, the corpse of your “relationship” with Dean is not even cold and now you’re smooching Connor at the reception? Take a minute to be alone with your own thoughts, for Pete’s sake! “Connor turned my night around,” she says. “It just sucks that we only have tonight.”

Psych!

ABC

Looks who’s here in Paradise! And he wants to take Caelynn on a date. Unfortunately, it’s one of those weird “paint with your body” dates, another awkward Paradise favorite. They coat each other with primary colors (which all blend into a sort of greyish-green) and make out all over the canvas.

BEST NEW CHYRON

ABC

After complaining on Twitter about his hilariously long list of Bachelor-related credits, looks like contestant emeritus Chris Bukowski finally has a shorter chyron. But the shade, rose lovers… the shade remains.

3 MOST GIF-ABLE MOMENTS

1) Kendall and Grocery Joe, still the cutest

ABC

Love these two.

2) Angelina struts down the aisle

Your new “when you walk by your ex looking fine as Hell” meme has arrived!

3) Dream date or waking nightmare?

ABC

As a neat freak, I can’t watch this date without breaking into stress hives. How is Caelynn gonna get this gunk out of her hair???

And that’s a wrap on week four, rose lovers! Some questions: Will Clay pick Nicole, Angela, or singlehood? Is JPJ telling the truth about Derek? And would you let a reality TV camera crew film your wedding and reception if the show picked up the tab? Post your thoughts below!

Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on ABC

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