Two new arrivals fight over John Paul Jones, but all he wants is Tayshia.

By Kristen Baldwin
August 26, 2019 at 10:00 PM EDT
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It’s week four, rose lovers, and several couples are firming up their quasi-real “connections” in Paradise. As a result, this episode was very, very heavy on the John Paul Jones of it all. I’m still processing the weirdness, but this cuteness helps.

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Yes, it is almost certain that Demi and producers discussed the possibility of her bringing Kristian to Paradise before she even arrived, but if we’re going to get angry at the show for contriving a situation… well, then we need to be angry at the show about 96 percent of the time. And for everyone who’s angry that Kristian is allowed to stay even though she’s not a part of Bachelor Nation, I feel compelled to remind you that none of these people were part of Bachelor Nation until they showed up on our screens for the first time. She’s here, she’s queer, let’s all just get used to it, okay?

Anyhoo, time to recap.

RELATIONSHIP STATUS

Tahzjuan and John Paul Jones and Hailey: Look, none of us really thought that the Tayshia and John Paul Jones “relationship” was going to stick, right? Actually, I’m sorry — JPJ for sure thinks it will. “She’s really the only woman I can envision a long-term relationship with,” he says. But Tayshia says she can’t see JPJ being her “future husband,” so she gently encourages him to go on a date with one of the new women scheduled to be arriving this week. “I just want to make sure you’re happy,” she says. In other words, I’m gonna play the field, bro, and you should too.

It’s perfect timing because Tahzjuan from Colton’s season (“I was there for two seconds”) just walked down the stairs, and she has her hard, little heart set on JPJ. (But… did she even talk to Derek? Never mind.)

After taking a shower and doing some manscaping, JPJ escorts Tahzjuan to dinner, though he’s still very much hung up on Tayshia. It also seems like he might have arrived at dinner already drunk, or high, or maybe he’s just insane?

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Take it down a notch, buddy — “Tahzjuan-on-one” wasn’t that funny. JPJ is also absolutely determined to eat the date food, despite Tahzjuan’s vehement protests. I admire his willingness to eat on camera, but it does look like that food has been sitting under the heat lamps for a little too long.

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After a coughing fit that mercilessly does not lead to vomit, JPJ rallies and takes Tahzjuan for a late-night swim/make-out sesh. “I’m having the best time!” she says.

Not for long, because here comes Haley (a.k.a. one-half of “the Twins” from Ben’s season). Her sister Emily has a longtime boyfriend now, and so Haley is looking for a “goofy” guy of her own… and she, too, has her sights set on JPJ. The poor guy only has his sights set on sleep, but he agrees to go on a date with Haley after some coffee and a nap. Seeing JPJ walk away with Haley is too much for Tahzjuan to bear — well, that and the heat. She half-faints from dehydration and then asks the medical team for some guacamole. Very relatable.

Meanwhile, Haley and JPJ are getting along famously on their date.

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A match made in blonde hair heaven. When they get back from their date, Tahzjuan declares that horseback riding is “lame” and demands to know whether Haley and JPJ kissed. It’s very awkward, Tahz’s “joke” that she considered spitting in Haley’s wine. The Twin steps away so JPJ can sort things out with Tahz, which he does by making a rambling toast that ends with, “I’m physically and emotionally drained right now.”

Tayshia and Derek: Now that Derek has had 12 whole hours to get over his breakup with Demi, Tayshia thinks he’s ready to start dating again. “Derek is someone that stood out to me since day one,” she says.

Unfortunately, Derek still can’t even talk about Demi without crying, and he’s not even sure he should stay in Paradise. “I don’t know how to take a next step while I’m here,” he says sadly. Tayshia tells him to take some time and reflect before he makes any decisions.

Nicole and Clay: Yep, they did it.

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“It was even better than I thought it would be,” says Nicole. “Our relationship’s stronger than any other couple in Paradise.”

Caelynn and Dean: “I’ve never felt more comfortable and more myself with anyone,” gushes Caelynn. She wants to push aside her worries about Dean’s “reputation,” but Demi warns Caelynn to keep her guard up. “He has a way of making people feel really special,” she says. “You need to lay down the law.” Wells agrees: “No one’s been able to, like, wrangle him.”

Suitably chastened, Caelynn decides it’s time to have a “serious” conversation with Dean about their future… or lack thereof. The next morning, she pulls Dean to a daybed and asks him to clarify whether he’s serious serious about her, or just TV serious about her. “All I know is I’m enjoying spending my time with you,” he replies, “and I don’t want to spend it with any other girl while I’m here.” That’s the good news. Now for the gut-punch: “I suck at dating. It’s challenging for me to see myself getting to a point where I’m like, ‘All right, I’m ready to settle down now.’” There will be no “normal life” and Saturday-night dinner parties for Deanie Babies!

Caelynn does NOT love it. “This just feels like it’s gonna stop after Paradise,” she says. Dean does not deny that prediction: “I think you would just be miserable as my girlfriend.” Agreed.

ROSE CEREMONY SCRAMBLE

The night begins with Blake telling Caitlin that she’s “100 percent” getting his rose, so I think we all know how that’s going to wind up. Oh hey, there’s Kristina! She wants to make sure that Blake is making “good use” of his rose: “If you’re not sure about Caitlin, you shouldn’t lead her on.” Then she pulls out her big guns: “I kept your ass around.” The reverse pep talk seems to work because Blake then turns around and tells Caitlin that he’s “not 100 percent sure” what he’s going to do with his rose. Comedy! And also, as Caitlin puts it, a pretty “s—-y” move.

JPJ, meanwhile, goes from doing cartwheels on the beach with Tahzjuan to play-fighting with Haley on the daybed about whether it’s rude to say “yo” to your girlfriend. But in his heart of hearts, he still wants Tayshia. She, however, wants something else.

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“I’m here to move forward,” says Derek, who apparently had quite a successful time reflecting. “You’re so pretty.”

Caelynn is also ready to move forward with Dean, even though he’s a homeless commitment-phobe. But hey, he sang her happy birthday! That’s good enough. As for Katie, she’s determined to fix things with Chris before he gives his rose to Jen. “I wanted you to know that I want to be with you 100 percent,” she tells him. “I don’t want you to doubt where my head’s at.” Chris still seems conflicted and hesitant, so Katie almost literally spells it out one more time: “I want to be with you, Chris Bukowski.”

ROSE CEREMONY RESULTS

First, some housekeeping. “Paradise is all about finding love, no matter what that looks like,” says Harrison, adding that he’s going to “change the rules” by letting Demi hand out the first rose of the evening.

Awwww. As for the rest: Dylan gives his rose to Hannah; Clay gives his rose to Nicole; Mike gives his rose to Sydney; Dean gives his rose to Caelynn; Blake gives his rose to… Kristina (these two deserve each other); Derek gives his rose to Tayshia; a jilted JPJ gives his rose to Haley; and Chris gives his rose to… Katie (yay!). That means it’s time to say goodbye to Caitlyn, Jen, and Tahzjuan. Sorry, ladies — but hey, at least you have some air conditioning in your future.

5 MOST GIF-ABLE MOMENTS

1) JPJ manscapes his nipples

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Sorry. But at least I didn’t GIF the dude shaving his happy trail.

2) Sydney, Caitlyn and Tayshia drag Colton’s kissing skills

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Tayshia agrees, but with a caveat: “He got better by the end, by the end of the season!”

3) JPJ can’t walk and laugh at the same time

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To be fair, the dude really needed a nap.

4) Tahzjuan eats her feelings

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In between crying, screaming at the sea, and sloshing her drink angrily, Tahz coped with JPJ’s absence by carbo-loading. But who among us hasn’t downed a bowl of pasta when the object of our affection turns his attentions elsewhere?

5) Haley calls a fowl

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And I agree with the Twin — it’s not much better to be a seagull.

I’ll be honest, rose lovers — I’m not too broken up about tonight’s departures. But I do have questions: Why haven’t we seen more than one conversation between Mike and Sydney? Are the cold-hearted Blake and Kristina made for each other? And is Dean about to crush all of Caelynn’s hopes and dreams? Post your thoughts below!

Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on ABC.

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