Jordan and Christian face the consequences of their fight, while Hannah finally chooses between Dylan and Blake.

By Kristen Baldwin
August 19, 2019 at 10:00 PM EDT

Paradise giveth, and Paradise taketh away, rose lovers. Tonight, it took Jordan and Christian away from the show, but not before giving Bachelor Nation a look at their piñata throwdown in its full, ridiculous glory.

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This goes on for a few minutes, even after producers and security get involved. Christian keeps trying to break free to pummel Jordan, who keeps calling him a “bitch” and the like. “I would be pissed if I was Christian, too,” mumbles Blake, while Mike faults “both parties” for being stupid. As for Nicole, her reign as Queen of Paradise has come to an abrupt and sobering end. “It’s one thing to be, like, this fiery guy, but it’s another thing to put someone in danger and, like, physically hurt someone.”

The production team agrees. “Anybody who touches anybody else, we can’t have it,” a producer tells Christian. Though the rest of the contestants are worried that production is going to be shut down completely (again), Harrison arrives to tell them that Jordan and Christian have been sent home… and it’s back to business as usual in Paradise.

ROSE CEREMONY SCRAMBLE

Two men gone means two more men get to stay this week. But who will give Paradise’s current floaters — Cam, Kevin, Wills, and JPJ — a rose? One possible source: Onyeka. “I have the power!” she says. “Like, woo me.” Anyone? Anyone? But no one seems interested in forming a “connection” with her.

Then there’s Hannah, who is debating between Vitamin B and Vitamin D (heh heh). Dylan takes his shot by setting up a picnic spread complete with crackers and Hannah’s favorite candy, gummy worms. Blake tries to top that by commissioning a mariachi quartet to serenade her while they… swing dance? Nobody swing dances to Cielito Lindo! Even so, Hannah LOVES it.

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Again with the smooching Blake right in front of Dylan! “Hannah, come on, baby,” says Mike. “Don’t do my boy Dylan like that… You know better.” Does she, though? If she does, she definitely does not care. “She’s putting me through so much s—,” says Dylan through tears. “It’s not fair.” Oh Lord, let’s just put the poor guy out of his misery, okay?

ROSE CEREMONY RESULTS

Chris Harrison is mid-preamble when Onyeka interrupts. “Can I say something really quick?”

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“I can’t give out a rose to anyone tonight,” she says tearfully. “I’ve met amazing friends, so I’m not leaving here with nothing.” Peace out, girl. Good luck in the real world.

Demi gives her rose to Derek; Katie gives her rose to Contestant Emeritus Chris Bukowski; Nicole gives her rose to Clay (turns out she doesn’t want an assertive rageaholic after all!); Caelynn gives her rose to Dean; Tayshia gives her rose to JPJ; Sydney gives her rose to Mike; Hannah gives her rose to… Dylan? WHAT? MY GOD DID SHE FINALLY SEE THE LIGHT? AMAZING! Also, look at how happy Mike is to see Blake get the shaft.

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Basically everyone but Blake is grinning ear-to-ear over this development. Hannah thanks Dylan for being “patient” and “understanding” and “awesome” before handing him the rose. Pack your bags, Blake, and go sit on a tractor at your dairy farm! Wait… what?

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Oh, come on, Kristina — you don’t have to do everything the producers ask you to do! Especially when you could have given your rose to Wills, or Kevin, or even Cam, for Pete’s sake. Instead, those three dudes are going home. Fare thee well, guys! We’ll probably see at least one of you on the beach next season.

RELATIONSHIP STATUS

Caitlin and Blake: I vaguely remember this woman from Colton’s season of The Bachelor, but nothing really jumps out. Of course, in this franchise, “forgettable” usually equals “almost sane,” so props to her. After getting the polite brush-off from Dean, Derek, and JPJ, Caitlin decides to ask her old Stagecoach buddy Blake on the date.

“We met at Stagecoach,” Blake confirms. “Nothing happened!” Good lord, was there some kind of Bachelor Nation tent at the festival or something? Either way, Blake is just happy that someone is into him. Their date activity is an old Paradise stand-by: Tantric yoga! Let’s get those sexual chakras flowing, guys!

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After the intense stretching, Blake fills Caitlin in on his Paradise (and pre-Paradise) history with the women on the beach. It is a long monologue punctuated only by Caitlin’s confused “Uh-huhs.” When Blake’s finished, Caitlin assures him that it’s all “fine,” and they make out in the pool.

Dylan and Hannah: Producers are all, Don’t get too happy too quick, Blake! As soon as he and Caitlin return from their date, Sydney finds a date card addressed to Dylan. Of course, he asks Hannah to come, much to Blake’s chagrin. “It sucks that they’re, like, dating right in front of me,” he complains. (Reminder: Just one night before, he was making out with Hannah in front of Dylan. But I digress.)

At dinner, Dylan can’t help but be a little too eager. First, he tells Hannah that the reason he fought so hard for her is because he was inspired by his mom, who fiercely held the family together when his dad was diagnosed with cancer. Then, he drops a partial l-bomb: “I’m starting to fall in love with you.” She doesn’t reciprocate exactly, but Hannah assures Dylan that she is “all in” with him. So, congrats, I guess?

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“I know that she’ll get there,” says Dylan. Cue the Aztec warrior-dancers!

Chris and Katie: Back in 2015, Chris hit “rock bottom” when he exited Paradise by walking through a beach bonfire. Today, though, he’s “in a better place” and “excited about Katie.”

John Paul Jones and Tayshia: I’m still not sure what’s going on here, and neither is Tayshia. “I think it’s bizarre that JPJ and I are hitting it off like we are,” she admits. “He’s extremely intelligent and very good to look at.” JPJ reveals to Tayshia that he was in a serious relationship after college and was close to getting engaged, but he decided she wasn’t the one.

“I’ve known for a long time that I’m ready to settle down,” he says. “I’m looking forward to spending more time with you.” Indeed, JPJ is a little sad that he didn’t get to see much of Tayshia until night fell, but she has a perfect excuse: “It’s not my fault that you take 12 naps a day, JPJ!” Wow, this man may be my spirit animal.

Demi and Derek: The John Krasinski lookalike says Demi is helping to heal his “wounded heart.” Unfortunately, Demi is still thinking about Kristian, the woman she was dating back home. “One of them deserves to have all of me.” It’s hard for her to make a choice, Demi continues, when one of her options isn’t there with her in Paradise. Hmmm… something tells me that’s going to change. But first…

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Yes, former Bachelorette Hannah Brown has flown all the way to Mexico to give Demi a pep talk about being her true self, etc. As soon as she’s done catching up with Hannah, Demi pulls Derek aside for an “open and honest” chat. “I really, really think about [Kristian] a lot, and I have so many feelings for her,” she says. “And I have so many feelings for you, too, and I’m so confused.”

Derek is understandably disappointed, but he believes that they have a “special connection” and he doesn’t want to walk away from their relationship yet. “It’s okay to not know how you feel,” he adds. “I’m not giving up now… I want you in my life.” Awww, is this guy a gem or what? Meanwhile:

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Uh-oh.

3 MOST GIF-ABLE MOMENTS

1) Kristina Schulman, ice queen

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If she’s going to do the producers’ bidding by giving Blake her rose, at least she’s enjoying the schadenfreude of it all.

2) Dean keeps it clean

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I don’t care what anyone says — mustaches, even clean ones, are gross.

3) John Paul Jones doesn’t know.

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Neither do we, dude.

Episode 5 is in the books, rose lovers! Before you go, I have some questions: Does Hannah really like Dylan or will she relapse and go back to Blake? Do Tayshia and JPJ seem compatible to you? And what is going on with Kristina? (She used to be such a nice “lady.”) Post your thoughts below!

Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on ABC.

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