Hello again, rose lovers! Before we start this week’s “journey,” a housekeeping note: Some of you have asked that I recap the week’s action chronologically, which I am happy to do. To that end, I’ll still be tackling the couple-by-couple action from the week in one recap, but I’ll do Monday’s drama first, and then move on to Tuesday. Let’s begin, shall we!
Part 1: Monday Night in Paradise
The “ladies” have the roses this week.
Jordan and Jenna and Benoit
The male model insists that he and Jenna are “in a good place,” but…
“Are you f—ing kidding me?” Jordan barks, spying “his” girl mid-makeout. “Jenna needs a guy who knows how to use his hands — [Benoit] can’t even throw a Frisbee 15 feet!”
That night, Jordan pulls Jenna aside and pours his Zoolander heart out: “I’m scared that I’m never gonna meet someone like you again, and I’m never gonna feel what I’ve felt the past few days,” says Jordan, adding that his feelings for her are akin to “love at sight.” (You read that right — he forgot the “first.”)
So, is it au revoir to Benoit? Not exactly. Jenna announces that she needs to make a choice, and there will be no more kissing of any guys until… What’s that? Benoit’s tongue is in her mouth again? Oh lord. This, of course, leads to a Benoit-Jordan blowup by the hot tub — but these boys are both too pretty to let things come to blows.
The next day, Jenna is still letting Benoit hang all over her — but as soon as he walks away, Jordan swoops in. Sure, he may not be ready to get married right away, but the male model is looking for love — and he tells Jenna, once again, that he thinks he’s found it with her. Is she impressed, or just uncomfortable from her giant swimsuit wedgie?
Hard to say. Unfortunately, Jordan’s sales pitch is a little lacking. “You’re not meant for anybody else,” he says, sounding not at all like a total stalker. “Today, if you choose him, I’ll say goodbye — and then you call me and let me know how this whole thing went for you.” Miraculously, though, it works! Jenna decides to go with her heart (Jordan) instead of her head (Benoit).
Hurt and angry, Benoit hurls a football into the surf again and again. Whatever, pal — I’m sure there’s a nice woman waiting for you in Canada.
Chris and Krystal and Connor
These two “aliens” (Astrid’s term, but it works) are deep in the lovey-dovey phase, talking about what they’re looking for in a life partner and making out constantly. “There’s really nothing that can stop us,” says Chris. Oh man, why’d you have to go and say something like that?
Yep, Connor — the dude who threw Lincoln’s “wedding” photo in the pool during Becca’s season — has arrived, and he has one thing on his mind: Glitter. Krystal’s feeling it, big time. “You were the person I came into Paradise wanting to meet,” she tells Connor. Krystal informs Connor that she’s too “smitten” with Chris to consider going on a date with someone else, and suggests that he look for a “connection” elsewhere.
Here’s where things get extra painful. Krystal then saunters back to Chris and assures him that she told Connor that she won’t go out with him. Do I even need to tell you that a few minutes later Connor asks Krystal on a date anyway… and that she says yes? The Goose is not amused.
“I did come to [Paradise] to meet someone, that particular person — and you caught me by surprise,” Krystal tells Chris, before asking him in a baby voice if he’ll talk to her when she gets back from her date. “If I’m up,” he mumbles glumly.
As for Krystal and Connor’s date?
I dunno. The date card said something about a “mystical” evening, so… yeah. All you really need to know is that the evening ended with the two of them smooching in the surf. When they return to Paradise, Chris is waiting up to talk to Krystal, but she tells him she’s too tired to talk — can they chat in the morning? You know what this is, rose lovers. That’s right — karma! (Next: How Annaliese got her groove back)
Kamil and Annaliese
Just as things were starting to look up for poor Annaliese, Kenny sits her down and says that he has to go home to attend his daughter’s dance recital. “I’m not leaving because I don’t feel something with you,” he assures her, but I’m sure that’s cold comfort to Paradise’s resident Old Maid. “Every time that girl gets her hopes up, her dreams are crushed and shattered,” says Astrid. Also crushed and shattered? The production’s supply of tissues.
Just when it seems like Annaliese’s only hope for companionship would be the stray cats roaming around Sayulita, in walks Kamil. Everyone keeps calling him the “60-40 guy” because of his awkward night-one interaction with Becca, but the rest of us in Bachelor Nation know him as the “social media participant.”
Kamil — who says he’s here “for, like, redemption” — makes the rounds and then asks Annaliese on the dune-buggy date. This leaves Chelsea feeling bummed out because she’s been faux-paired up with David this whole time and definitely feels like she’s settling. “I don’t know if this is the right process for me,” she laments. “I feel like I’ve been friend-zoned with every guy here.” Am I the only one who forgot Chelsea is a single mother? Gurl, go home and hug your son.
John and Jubilee
Wait a minute — John gave Jubilee the rose last week, and then he gave her the “let’s be friends” speech? And we only get to see it in a sepia-toned flashback? And then Jubilee went home and didn’t even say goodbye? Man, if producers are leaving this stuff on the cutting room floor, the rest of this week’s drama better be top notch.
Kevin and Astrid
About halfway through Monday’s episode, Kevin blew my mind when he told Astrid, “I’ve really enjoyed this past seven days with you.” Hold up, we’re on week 4 of this damn show, and these people have only been there SEVEN DAYS? Does Bachelor in Paradise take place in a black hole where time has no meaning??? Discuss.
Anyhow, Kevin tells Astrid he wants her to go on a date with another guy to help test the “boundaries” of their relationship. “In the real world, babe,” he explains, “we’re both going to be pushed that way.” Astrid is completely nonplussed by this suggestion. “I don’t need to go on other dates to know that I don’t want to talk to anybody else,” she says crankily, before getting up and walking away in tears.
Eventually she calms down enough to talk to Kevin again, and he tries to explain his insecurities: Having gotten engaged “in this situation” once before, Kevin’s worried that things between him and Astrid will fall apart once they reenter the “real world.” He goes on to say that he’s not in it for the Instagram money or the temporary fame — “I’m 34 years old, I don’t care about any of that s—” — he legitimately wants to settle down. After getting his heart broken on The Bachelorette and Winter Games, and now meeting his “dream girl” in Paradise — of course he’s worried that will fall apart too. He’s also missing his therapist, whom he sees twice a week back home. Who doesn’t love a guy who’s comfortable talking about his feelings? After talking it out, they kiss and make up — and suddenly, I’m rooting for these two crazy kids.
Grocery Joe and Kendall and Leo
Somehow, Kendall is still torn between Leo and Joe — even worse, she says her heart is with Leo. “I can’t really explain it. I feel like I crave him.” Ewwwwww. Perhaps it’s time for someone to tell Kendall that Leo the Lustful kissed Chelsea right after his date with her? Damn straight — and Kevin is just the guy to do it. As Kendall is raving to him about her connection with Leo, the beefy Canuck interjects, “Well, then I feel like he shouldn’t have kissed Chelsea, too.” Cue Kendall’s record-scratch moment!
Gurl, WHAT HAVE WE ALL BEEN TELLING YOU? When the taxidermy enthusiast confronts Leo — in a reasoned, calm way, of course — he’s all, “Well I told you I hung out with Chelsea!” Not gonna fly, Tarzan. Nor is calling your hot-tub make-out session “a peck,” or, even worse, a “handshake.” Kendall presses Leo to explain why he wasn’t honest, but he can’t. “I have a feeling of not believing you,” she says. I repeat: Gurl, WHAT HAVE WE ALL BEEN TELLING YOU???
Rather than worrying about repairing his relationship with Kendall, Leo decides to focus his energies on figuring out who “snitched” on him. He proceeds to make a scene in the pool, shouting about people “tattling” on him. He continues ranting and drinking as the day wears on, so finally Kevin seeks him out to “rip the Band-Aid off.” It goes about as well as you’d expect.
“Leo screwed up with Kendall and he’s looking for someone to blame,” says Kevin, after his heated debate about Paradise rules with Leo. “But in the words of Justin Trudeau: ‘Canadians — we are polite, we are reasonable, but we will not be pushed around.’ Leo, remember that, and go f— yourself.” Can I get a round of applause for Kevin?
That night, after a few more hours of drinking, Leo sits down with Kendall… to yell at her. “You ruined my day by making me feel like I did something horrible by kissing Chelsea!” he fumes. “What matters is what we felt!” Kendall pushes back, telling Leo that it’s BS that everyone knew about Chelsea but her, and when he snaps back, “I hope it works out with you and Joe,” she tells him to eff off… in the most Kendall way possible. “I really don’t appreciate you being condescending right now.” Leo continues to be a little snot — can you imagine what kind of a bastard would be rude to Kendall, of all people?? Joe, overhearing Leo abuse the woman he adores, marches over and asks sharply, “Are you guys done?” Cut to… (Next: Don’t touch Jordan’s briefcase)
Part 2: Tuesday Night in Paradise
Let’s rejoin the Leo and Kendall and Joe drama, already in progress…
Joe to the rescue! He interrupts Leo’s ranting and pulls a visibly upset Kendall away for a calm-down talk. And this:
I’m not crying! Oh wait, I’m totally crying. Hooray for the end of Kendall’s temporary insanity!
Jordan and Jenna
The French Canadian is also feeling aggro now that Jenna has told him her rose is going to Jordan. “How can you know what’s best for me?” huffs Benoit. “That doesn’t make sense at all.” Dude, just accept it — your free Mexican vacation is over. Stop being an a-hole and making Jenna cry.
Side note: Love her nail color. As soon as Jordan finds out that Benoit is the source of Jenna’s tears, he stomps over to the bar to chew the guy out — proving he has not learned anything from the Stuffed Dog Incident. Temper tantrums are not the same thing as defending someone’s honor, but they do make good TV, I guess — especially when they result in soundbites like this: “You opened up my briefcase, and I don’t like your little French fingers going through it.”
Benoit and Chelsea
Last call! You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here! Or something like that. Chelsea’s not into David, Benoit wants a rose, so:
Angela and Eric
Tuesday’s episode begins with Eric and Angela going on their first date outside of Paradise. “He treats me like a princess,” gushes Angela. They arrive at a fancy nearby resort, where a silent woman tosses rose petals at their feet as she leads them to — what is this place? DJ Khaled’s bathroom?
There’s a tub full of champagne, a golden toilet, matching plush robes, tacky shell necklaces, an ice cream sundae the size of Leo’s ego. Ding-dong! The butler’s at the door again! This time he’s got a gigantic cheese spread. I dunno, guys – alcohol plus ice cream plus cheese? That sounds more like a gastro-intestinal nightmare than a precursor to a romantic night. Anyhow, Eric and Angela talk a lot about their “relationship” and it’s “potential,” but it all feels a little going-through-the-motions, if you ask me.
Chris and Krystal
“It’s time to really show Krystal how serious I am,” says Chris, before leading the fitness trainer to a makeshift yoga studio. But there’s just one problem: Chris doesn’t know how to do yoga, so he wants Krystal to teach him. “Teach you yoga?” she asks, incredulously. “You want me to work?” In other words: Aw hells no. Still, she gives him a little Yoga 101 — which isn’t easy given that he’s about as flexible as 100-year-old beef jerky — and they end the session with an extended smooch.
Kevin and Astrid
No date card? No problem.
Awww, that’s sweet.
Joe and Kendall and… John?
What the what? Now that he sent Jubilee packing, Venmo John is trying to make a move on Kendall? Not cool, Venmo John. Not. Cool. “I find you really attractive,” he tells her. “I like that.” And just as I was yelling “Don’t kiss him!” at my screen, Kendall and John go in for the smooch. As soon as it’s over, though, Kendall starts “freaking out,” and she immediately confesses the kiss to Joe. (How much is one adorable grocer from Chicago supposed to take?) “The real reason I keep trying to distract myself,” says Kendall, “is because I’m falling for you.” How much is one adorable grocer from Chicago supposed to take? Joe, bless him, doesn’t overreact or get angry, he just says, “Well, I’m falling for you, too.” OMG YOU GUYS I LOVE THEM SO MUCH!!!! (Next: Leo loses it)
Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony
Leo’s been drinking all day, so as the gang gathers for the cocktail party and starts making “cheers to finding love” toasts, he interrupts to offer a “real” toast. I’ll paraphrase: Kendall’s “full of s—” and Grocery Store Joe is a “bitch.” Well, you know that Joe isn’t gonna stand for that.
Leo throws a drink at Joe, Joe lunges at Leo, crew members rush in to pull the guys apart, and two production staffers lead Leo out of Paradise… forever.
With that excitement over, everyone finds unique ways to pass the time: Colton gifts Tia with a giant pyramid of hot dogs, Jordan and Jenna decide to be Paradise-exclusive, and Chelsea man-shops between John, Benoit, Connor, and David. Let’s be honest… does anyone really care who she picks? I didn’t think so. Let’s skip ahead to the rose ceremony. And the “winners” are: Krystal and Chris, Kendall and Joe, Tia and Colton, Jenna and Jordan, Astrid and Kevin, Annaliese and Kamil, and Angela and Eric. As for Chelsea, she sort of shrugs her shoulders and picks John, which means Connor, David, and Benoit will be joining Leo on the Loser Plane to Die-Alone City.
We’re only a few weeks away from the finale, and you know what that means, rose lovers — contestants you couldn’t recognize if your life depended on it are gonna start coming through those doors. Case in point:
John and Olivia
Olivia (Arie’s season, I guess) gets shot down by Joe and then Kamil, but John is more than happy to take her up on the offer of a date. Weirdly enough, their date takes place at a quinceañera for a young lady named Karely.
Now that is an entrance. ¡Felicidades, Karely! John and Olivia dance up a storm and make out a little too close to the festivities if you ask me.
Angela and Eric and Cassandra
Just a few days after declaring that he was “all in” with Angela, Eric’s head is turned by a new arrival: Cassandra from Juan Pablo’s season (and season 2 of Paradise). “Dayum!” he exclaims. “Baby got back.” Naturally, Cassandra asks him on a date, and naturally he says yes. If only he broke the news to Angela with a little more tact. “Yesterday I told you I wouldn’t go on a date,” he says. “So today, when I woke up, I felt different about a lot of things.” Eric goes on to assure Angela that his date with Cassandra “doesn’t mean anything.” Angela does NOT love it.
“I’m just upset because I feel like he lied just to my face last night,” she cries. This makes all the other “ladies” feel insecure in their “relationships,” because if the rock solid love story known as Eric and Angela can fall apart, what chance do the rest of them have?
And with that, rose lovers, week 4 of Paradise has come to a close. And boy, do I have questions: Are you invested in any of these couples (besides Kendall and Grocery Joe, of course)? Do any of these guys strike you as Bachelor material (if Wills says no, of course)? And good Lord, can anyone erase the “Colton likes to go commando” scene from my brain? Post your thoughts below!
Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on ABC.