Welcome to week two of Bachelor in Paradise, rose lovers! So much to discuss — dancing vaginas, the first rose ceremony, and Colton’s endless capacity for self-sabotage. Let’s get to it!
Colton and Tia and Chris
After getting a talking-to from Chris, Jordan, and Nick, Colton tells the guys that he’s “exploring other options” in Paradise… even though he’s still in love with Becca. Naturally, that’s the exact opposite of what Tia thinks is happening. “My feelings really haven’t changed,” she says. “This could be the be the start of an amazing relationship.” (And yes, Astrid, Tia says her vagina did dance a little when Colton kissed her.)
Cut to a few hours later, when Tia sees Colton playing a game of flirty football with Angela — and Paradise hath no fury like a woman ignored. Colton better “get his s*** together” and fast, says Tia, or else her rose will wind up on Chris’ sweaty chest. During the cocktail party, she sits Colton down on the daybed and asks for a status report: Are they, like, a thing — or is she just his break glass in case of emergency backup? “I’m trying to stay transparent with you,” he says. “I came on this beach to be selfish and to figure out what I want… I feel like I owe it to myself to explore what I want with other people, too.” You can imagine how well that goes over with Tia.
Honestly, Colton could not be any clearer, but Tia keeps pressing him: Wouldn’t it bother him just a teeny-tiny bit to see her flirting with other guys? “Nope.” Oof. Embarrassed and angry, Tia declares that she will no longer allow herself to wait around for a man to decide her worth — instead, she’s gonna try to pressure Colton into saying he likes her by threatening to take away his free Mexican vacation: “Nobody else here is gonna give you a rose.”
Colton refuses to lead Tia on for the sake of extending his stay in Paradise. In an effort to get a rose, he heads back to the cocktail party and “steals” Angela for a last-ditch chat. But she’s got concerns: A few days ago Colton was professing his love to Becca — how could he possibly be ready to fake fall for someone again so quickly?
It’s a reasonable question, but Colton prefers to place all the blame for his predicament on Chris, Jordan, and Nick for talking smack about him to the “ladies.” This leads to a vaguely tense conversation with those guys by the bar, notable only for the moment Nick calls Colton’s romantic history the “white elephant in the room.” (So close, you blonde buffoon.)
In the end, Tia gives Chris her rose… and it’s a move she will come to regret.
Kenny and Krystal and Chris
Kenny gets the date card and asks the Glitter Queen to accompany him. Team Paradise sends the duo on a date to a Lucha Libre match, where Kenny the pro wrestler was able to defend Krystal’s honor while showing off some of his sweet moves.
“It was beautiful!” says Krystal, who feels a special bond with Kenny because they’ve both suffered through the two-on-one experience. Though Kenny deserves better than Krystal, I’m glad he gets her rose. (Next: Who moved Kenny’s cheese?)
A few nights later, Kenny draws a heart in the sand and sets up a little candlelight picnic for Krystal on the beach… and she decides that’s the perfect time to tell him that she’s not ready to “jump into anything.” Yes, dear Kenny, you are getting #friendzoned — because Krystal just read Who Moved My Cheese? and is ready for some new cheddar.
“I’m not in a relationship at all,” Chris assures Krystal, even though a few minutes ago he told Tia he was “all in” for her. When Colton hears about the Chris-Krystal dalliance, he marches off to inform Tia that her man is garbage. She is not amused.
Annaliese and Jordan and Jenna
What a surprise — when David the dangerous sleeper sees Annaliese getting along with Jordan, he jumps in to warn her that the male model is just “looking to settle.” Jordan counters by setting up a sunset dinner date with Annaliese on the beach, and she LOVES it. “He’s not just the Zoolander model that we get from Becca’s season,” she gushes.
That night, Jordan gives Annaliese a giant stuffed dog — both to ensure that his rose is locked in and to help her get over her past dog traumas. Annaliese gives him the rose — but competition is on its way… from outer space.
Jordan is instantly smitten. “Oh my God,” he moans upon seeing Jenna. “I’m in trouble.” Do I even need to tell you that the attraction is mutual, or that Jenna immediately asks him out on a date? Poor Annaliese is the only one who’s not excited about this development. “We all keep forgetting that Annaliese and Jordan kinda had something,” admits Astrid. “And everyone just keeps talking about how great Jordan and Jenna are together, forgetting that Annaliese is literally sitting there probably freaking out a little bit.”
She should be because Jordan and Jenna are getting along famously on their date.
Because they never miss a chance to make a woman look foolish, Team Paradise intercuts footage of Jordan and Jenna making out with clips of Annaliese talking about how well things are going with Jordan. “I really think I’m going to be standing at the end with a ring on this finger,” she giggles. As the day drags on and Jordan still doesn’t return, Annaliese’s denial starts to weaken. “He was into you, too,” Joe says weakly, trying to cheer her up.
But when Jordan and Jenna walk back in, his big smile and her string bikini (holla, black box of shame!) tell Annaliese everything she needs to know. And to his credit, Jordan immediately seeks out Blonde No. 1 to tell her that he’s now way more into Blonde No. 2.
The male model goes on to inform Annaliese that he’s “saving a place” for her, should things go south with Jenna. That’s what every woman wants to hear, right? Welp, at least they gave her a tissue during her confessional.
It’s possible that the only person more heartbroken than Annaliese about the Jenna-Jordan development is David. The dude is straight-up obsessed with Jordan — why else would he suddenly move in on Jenna with a sad looking birthday cake? “I was disappointed she didn’t take me on the date earlier,” claims David, but it’s more likely the guy knows the only way producers are going to let him stick around is if he stirs up a little drama.
After saying “I’m glad we were able to celebrate your birthday” about 14 times, David finally gets the hint and walks away. “Stop trying to have what I have,” Jordan fumes, as Jenna tries to laugh it off. “Stop being mad,” she tells him. “You’re clenching.”
Astrid and Kevin
Having been “c—blocked” by Kenny with Krystal, Kevin the polite Canuck starts chatting up Astrid, and the two end up making out on the beach. With his c— thus unblocked, Kevin gets Astrid’s rose.
Kendall and Grocery Joe
Is it too soon to declare these two the most adorable couple Paradise has ever produced? She loves that he’s “silly,” “nerdy,” and “very attractive,” he loves her creepy demon voice (“You wouldn’t like me when I’m crazy”) — it’s a (temporary) match made in (TV) heaven! “If I don’t get a rose from you,” Joe says, “I really don’t want a rose from anybody else.” Swoooon.
Though Venmo John comes in hot with a make out sesh at the cocktail party — “I am pleasantly surprised at how much game John has,” marvels Kendall — the perky taxidermy enthusiast makes the right choice and gives Joe her rose. (Next: What’s Venmo John packing down there?)
David and Chelsea
Nick spent the first two days of Paradise trying to woo Chelsea with his sleepy come-ons (“I have, like, a weird attraction to you”), but she’s just not that into him.
Instead, Chelsea gives David her rose.
Angela and Eric
On Monday, Nysha gave Eric her rose. On Tuesday, Eric decided he was more into Angela — and his request for a hug from her turns into a full-on smooch fest. Clearly, that rose Angela gave to Venmo John on Monday night was of the friendship variety.
Caroline and Venmo John and Jubilee
Though she was so nervous when she arrived she could barely speak, Caroline manages to pull it together long enough to ask the adorable Venmo John out on a date. He’s thrilled — Caroline is one of his “celebrity crushes,” after all. Their date gets off to a rocky start, as the stray animals of Sayulita keep interrupting their dinner while John is trying to “open up” about his relationship goals.
But John powers through, and he’s so earnest and sweet that Caroline can’t help but feel a little tingly around him.
Once Jubilee arrives, though, she takes a shine to John — and he’s either interested in her too, or he’s too polite to say no when Jubiliee asks him out. (“What’s that dude packin’ down there?” wonders Kevin with a chuckle.) John and Jubilee have a nice time zip-lining and chatting about stringed instruments and programming, but — and maybe this is just me — their kisses seem a little more perfunctory than passionate.
Free agents: Nysha, Bibiana
Twist! During Monday’s rose ceremony, Bibi — rather than giving her rose to the dreamiest guy there, Wills — does the producers a solid by saving Colton from premature evacuation. But who will be there to save Bibi and Nysha come the next rose ceremony?
Bachelorette in Paradise
In a sign that Team Paradise has committed way too hard to the Tia-Colton storyline, producers actually made the newly engaged Becca fly down to Mexico to help producers make sure Colton sticks around. While Becca and Tia make small talk about the beach and the heat, the cameras return to Colton to gauge his reaction; it’s essentially a full 30 seconds of this:
“I didn’t know if I was ready for this,” he says tearfully. “Honestly, I’m not.”
And he’s certainly not ready to come face-to-face with the woman who broke his heart, like, a week ago. “Seeing you is the last thing I expected today,” he tells Becca. “And that just sort of messed me up.” The former Bachelorette assures Colton again that she did not send him home because of Tia, and then gives him the Paradise pep talk: Just push through the doubts — it’ll be so rewarding at the end!
Obviously, if Becca really cared about the big lug, she’d urge him to dry tears and go home. This may be an unpopular opinion with the #ColtonForBachelor camp, but it’s clear this guy has a lot of soul searching to do about what he wants out of life and who he really is. The sooner we set him free, Bachelor Nation, the sooner Colton can find a modicum of peace.
Leaving us this week are Nick (I guess the white elephant in the room is that no one wanted to date you, buddy!) and, on a much sadder note, Wills. The “ladies” of Paradise don’t deserve you, sir! More importantly, you are now free to become the next Bachelor. Make it happen, Fleiss!
Spotlight on Yuki:
Everyone’s favorite goddess from Bachelor Winter Games has arrived! Ostensibly she’s there to help Wells with the bartending duties, but Yuki is no one’s assistant — she is, and always will be, the boss.
So what if her signature cocktail is disgusting? When Yuki smiles, the world smiles with her.
That’ll do it for our week two hookup rundown, rose lovers. Which “couples” are you rooting for (besides Kendall and Grocery Joe, of course)? Why does anyone find Chris attractive? And who the hell puts relish and/or avocado in their tuna fish? Post your thoughts below!
Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8 p.m. ET on ABC.