The contestants arrive in Mexico, but after only two days, production is halted
Well, Bachelor Nation, I hope you enjoyed your nonexistent break from rose ceremonies, romance, and Robby, because it’s already time to head back to Paradise, where Chris Harrison would like you to know that everything is FINE. Sure, production had to stop filming after only two and a half days due to allegations of misconduct, but really, things are just like Ross Gellar when he found out about Rachel and Joey…
In the season’s opening moments, Harrison welcomes us to Mexico, where he explains that tonight, we’re going to watch what was filmed BEFORE the production shutdown. No, we won’t see the moment between Corinne and DeMario that started the drama, but we will watch as they, and many others, meet and kick off their time in Mexico. So without further ado…
Flashing back two weeks before Harrison gave us all a very stern welcome while not wearing shoes, Raven is the first to arrive in Paradise, and she’s got her fingers crossed for a Carly-Evan scenario all her own. After all, it’s what every woman dreams of: having a terrible first date with someone you really aren’t attracted to only to realize after they fall ill that they’re the one for you. (Also there’s something about eating a hot pepper in there somewhere.)
Dean is the first guy to show up , fresh off his breakup from Rachel and ready for what’s next. Danielle, voice as mousey as ever, follows him and sets her sights on Dean. And that leaves Raven for Ben Z., who just walked in and can’t wait to tell Raven about the many dogs of his life — from childhood to now — that have really shaped the man he is today.
Iggy isn’t far behind, and if you thought America was excited to see Dean, its got nothing on Iggy’s terribly awkward jump/hug. From there, we get Jasmine, Jack “I’m not a serial killer” Stone (he feels the need to make that clear), and Alexis, who walks up the beach in her shark costume (and if she didn’t get paid extra for that moment, she’s doing something wrong).
Just as Raven goes on and on about how DeMario better not show up, he walks through the front gate, swearing he’s the sweetest guy in the world. The first thing Raven says when she sees him? “Are you single?” I’m calling it now: Raven’s the MVP of Paradise.
Also, who gave DeMario a whistle? Because they’re officially the LVP of Paradise. (Or did he keep that whistle as a token from his last date with Rachel?)
DeMario, realizing that Raven is the “leader” of the women, takes her aside to win her over by talking about how he’s “all about vibes and having fun.” To be honest, DeMario says he’s here to be a wingman for the “awkward homie in the corner who doesn’t know how to relate.” YOU’RE THE AWKWARD HOMIE, DUDE. Except instead of awkward, you’re just not great. But thankfully, DeMario is also clueless, so he walks away feeling great, all the while not realizing that Raven still hates him.
Just then, former rivals from JoJo’s season, Derek and Alex, walk in, followed by Corinne, who makes it just in time for DeMario to reveal he’s looking for his “next Mrs. Jackson.” NEXT? Don’t tell me this guy’s currently married…
Corinne shows up to Mexico and tells Chris Harrison that she’s in no rush to settle down. If a man wants her, he’s going to have to work to get her…just like she worked super hard to learn the Spanish words for “naps,” “cheese pasta,” and “champagne.” Those six months of studying were definitely worth it.
Off to the side, Dean asks to talk to Kristina — who can’t decide if she loves his blue eyes or his white teeth more — because he thinks they have a lot in common. Dean’s pick-up line: “You have a weird family dynamic as well…you were an orphan.” Oh my god, Dean, you can’t just ask people if they’re an orphan…
As people keep arriving, we get Lacey, Skinny Vinny, Diggy, Matt, Nick, and even Amanda, who returns her engagement ring to Harrison before admitting she ignored some red flags when it came to her relationship with Josh last season — and not just the fact that he came to Mexico to eat pizza. Amanda’s quick to reveal their biggest issue: “He’s a sweaty person.” I mean, relationships are hard, amirite? #whocanrelate (Next: Corinne and DeMario hit it off)
Also showing up to Paradise is Corinne’s ex-enemy Taylor, who made sure to pack her emotional intelligence this season (if by emotional intelligence, you mean short shorts). It doesn’t take long for Taylor to connect with Derek, who asks her what she wants in a man. Her response? Someone who can take her into the woods and build a fire. Because if Taylor is anything, it’s outdoorsy…
Meanwhile, Alexis admits she’s not feeling anyone. How does she know? Simple. Her vagina’s not dancing.
As for two people who are hitting it off, it’s 4:30 p.m. and DeMario and Corinne are already very drunk and in the pool, and thankfully, we have Alex ready and willing to give commentary on the entire situation.
But that’s enough with all the relationship talk. Let’s get to what really matters: Harrison gathers everyone so that an emotional Jorge can make an announcement. He is leaving the show to pursue his dreams and open a company called Jorge’s Tour-ges, and he’s LITERALLY CRYING AS HE SAYS THIS. Honestly, I’ve never cared about anyone on this show as much as I care about Jorge. But also, did he say Jorge’s Tour-ges? Oh Jorge, you’re better than that.
As for his replacement, they’re bringing in Wells, because he has nothing better to do and doesn’t mind wasting a few weeks pouring drinks while he’s not even allowed to play in the game of love.
Harrison also announces that the women will be handing out the roses on week one, so when Kristina gets the first date card of the season, she quickly asks out Dean. (Apparently, that whole “let’s bond over our terrible childhoods” thing works.) But you know what also works? Really good friends who lean on each other until one day, they realize they’re in love. Yep, I’m shipping Wells and Danielle after she reveals that her friend from Nashville is the one she turns to in her hour of need. Wells might be the bartender, but hey, the guy has to sleep somewhere!
As Lacey and Iggy hit it off in a relationship I couldn’t care less about, Dean and Kristina’s date goes like this…
Dean: “You’re sweet.”
Kristina: “No, you’re sweet.”
*Enter Flamenco dancers*
*Dean tries to dance*
*Confetti guns go off so they have no choice but to kiss*
Back at the “house,” Nick gets a little too drunk, so Jasmine switches her attention to Matt, and let’s just say Nick wakes up the next morning with regrets. Also having regrets? Me, for watching this season of Paradise, when Robby walks in with his new hairstyle — it’s exactly the same but because he’s in vacation mode, one hair is purposefully out of place — and one of his back pockets is inside out, and I’m 100 percent positive it’s supposed to be a fashion statement.
After Lacey’s grandfather passed away, she went home, which means that Robby’s arrival directly translates to four guys going home this week. But first, Robby’s got a date card, and this guy didn’t bring a bathing suit for every day for nothing! He asks Raven out on a date (and Ben Z. is not happy about it).
On their date, Raven and Robby go jet skiing, followed by a nice chat on the beach. Robby’s opener: “How many kids do you want?” Well, he’s direct, I’ll give him that. But here’s Robby’s problem: No one is ever going to love Robby as much as Robby loves Robby. He needs to find the Kim to his Kanye, and that’s not Raven.
Returning from their date, Robby gathers the men to tell them all how well things went. Meanwhile, Raven is cementing herself as my absolute favorite person. She says she simply can’t go on another date with someone who’s prettier than she is. As for his abs? “What do you do for a living? Stop working out. I don’t trust you.” Seriously, she’s the best. Oh, and wanna know what it’s like to date Robby? He talked about being an influencer on their date. NOPE.
The next date card goes to Matt, who immediately asks out Jasmine and ruins Nick’s whole big plan. If you thought that was his low point, he then calls himself “Saint Nick.”
On their date, Matt and Jasmine attend a drag show where Matt becomes Virginia, and Jasmine loves every moment of it, even though I still can’t figure out why he was in a purple dress and red heels.
Back at the house, everyone is getting ready for their first rose ceremony, where Iggy decides the best way to get a rose from a woman is to call her “crazy” and Ben Z. decides one last time to try to win Raven over. If this doesn’t work, he’s going home to his dog.
But it works! Turns out, Ben is a much better kisser than Robby, and Raven lets him know it! Also kissing? Taylor and Derek. He just can’t get enough of her emotional intelligence. And then there’s Danielle, who seems to be into Jack Stone in spite of…everything.
All of those relationships are put on hold when producers grab Corinne and DeMario and the cameramen are ordered to put down their cameras. It seems we’ve finally made it to the “dramatic” halt in production. But there is one thing that overshadows everything we’ve seen so far, and that’s the guy who says it’s the “last thing I ever would’ve pictured we would hear.” I mean, HONESTLY.
With that, I leave you all for 24 hours, which I’ll spend trying not to have nightmares about Robby’s hair.