Paradise ends with a proposal (and a whole lot of breakups)

By Samantha Highfill
September 11, 2017 at 11:08 PM EDT
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Believe it or not, Paradise is coming to an end after the show’s shortest season to date…that felt like the longest. These people have been in Mexico for like two weeks, and yet I feel like I’ve lost years off my life. But finally, by the grace of the TV gods, it’s time to say A LOT of goodbyes.

With only one day left in paradise, each couple has to decide if they want to leave in separate depression mobiles, leave together in one slightly-less-depressed mobile, or spend one final date — complete with a fantasy suite! — together in Mexico. So basically, it’s f—, marry, kill, but this time it’s “dump, date, or f—.”

First up, it’s Lacey and Daniel. As far as Lacey is concerned, she loves everything about Daniel and would love nothing more than the chance to spend the night together. Daniel’s response? “I’m not done with you yet. Come to your king.” Because that’s okay.

And it gets worse: Daniel just hopes that Lacey ready for the “Fourth of July” in his pants, a joke that she thinks is funny, which proves that he better not be dumb enough to let this one go!

As for Jack and Christen, he thinks they should walk out of paradise hand in hand and see what happens next. But wait, did he say HAND IN HAND?!?! That basically means married, and Christen is losing her mind over it. “I can’t leave here as a couple,” she says, unsure of what to do with her scallop fingers in this incredibly misunderstood moment. “We are acquaintances right now!” Yep, apparently there is something below the Friend Zone, and Jack Stone is stuck here. “Every conversation we’ve had has been so swirly,” she says, offering a perfectly understandable explanation to her freakout.

Jack tries to regroup and explain that they’re on the same page, but what he doesn’t realize is that holding hands means one thing to him and everything to Christen. “Up until this point, we’ve talked about the weather,” she says, unable to fathom that this man thinks he can hold her freakin’ hand.

So instead, Jack gets in a depression mobile all on his own so that he can say “dude” a lot, and Christen returns to the place from whence she came: the ocean. (And apparently, it’s not happy that she’s been away, because the ocean is definitely trying to drown her. Whatever the opposite of Moana is, that’s who Christen is right now.)

As for Jasmine and Jonathan, they agree to part ways as friends while Raven and Adam decide to give the fantasy suite date a try. Raven’s not ready to say goodbye to him just yet, and Adam is amazed at how “easy things are with her.” (And he wants to see how easy she is tonight, if you catch my drift. You do.)

Then there’s Dean, who grabs D. Lo and takes her aside. Just as she mentions her hope for the fantasy suite, he tells her that he can’t stop thinking about Kristina. After she went home, he realized how much he cared for her. He tells D. Lo that he loves Kristina and, because of that, has to walk away from her now.

“Sorry for being an idiot,” he says as he heads to his interview, where he cries about his love for Kristina. “I literally hate myself right now,” he says, officially becoming the Jason Mesnick of 2017. Only, it doesn’t quite work out as well for Dean, but we’ll get to that.

Diggy and Dom part ways, as do Dom and Jaimi — much to Diggy’s surprise. And then there’s Robby and Amanda. Poor Robby thinks they’re perfect together because they spend the same amount of time perfecting their hair each morning, and he’s ready to convince her of the same with every cliché you can think of: “Patience is a virtue.” “Slow and steady wins the race.” And yet Amanda’s not having it.

The second they sit down to chat, she starts crying. She just doesn’t see this working out in real life. “Do you really see that?” she asks, to which he responds by telling her how hurtful it is that she even has to ask that. Yeah? Well, if you thought that was hurtful, bud, how does it feel that she’s dumping you? (Next: Fantasy suites)

Just like that, we have our three couples left standing, and they each get one last night together.

Lacey and Daniel are first to their date, where she’s ready to tell Daniel that she’s falling for him, and he reciprocates those feelings. They agree to leave paradise in a Facebook-official committed relationship, and to seal the deal, they spend the night together in the fantasy suite.

Then there’s Taylor and Derek, who are VERY ready for the next step in their relationship. In fact, Taylor pretty much comes out and tells him that she can’t say she loves him until she knows the sex is good. After all, it’s “another piece of falling in love.” And what, did you expect Derek to argue?

They all but sprint to the bedroom as Derek claims that, if things go well, he could wake up next to a woman who loves him. Damn, talk about a man who’s confident in his skills. Good for you, Derek. I don’t believe you. But good for you!

So while Taylor and Derek experience each other “in a different way,” Raven and Adam wonder if they should do the same. Adam is all in, but Raven is hesitant to be so vulnerable. In the end…we don’t know because we cut to the “live” finale with Chris Harrison and a studio audience!

I’d like to welcome you all to the After the Final Rose stage, which has been dressed up with yoga blankets and a fake parrot to feel like paradise. There, Chris is joined by Jaimi, Diggy, Dominique, Emily, Haley, Jasmine, Alexis, Jack Stone, D. Lo, Christen, Dean, Danielle M., and Kristina. It’s been two months since filming wrapped, and Chris would like to start by bringing out Corinne and DeMario TOGETHER. Isn’t that CRAZY EXCITING?!

Sitting side by side, they wish each other well, talk about therapy, and Corinne gets in a quick plug of her fashion line, proving that all the buildup to this moment was not worth it.

By the end, Corinne claims life is once again sunny. That can’t be true for poor Wells, who didn’t even get a spot on the stage. Really, ABC? That man deserves a throne, much less a seat on the stage!

Harrison then touches on the many things we no longer care about: The twins blame Jack Stone for their reign of terror; Christen and Jasmine still don’t like each other. And the scallop fingers story was just a joke. Cool. Great. Good stuff.

Moving on to the not-good-but-better stuff: Dean, the most uncomfortable human being in the world according to Harrison, joins Chris on stage to relive his mistakes. He admits it’s hard to see Kristina and that he still cares for her. She hopes he learned from his mistakes but agrees that he’ll always have a special place in her heart. But wait. Sorry, Kristina, D. Lo’s going to let you finish in a minute, but she’d like to ask Dean a question: Why did he leave paradise claiming to love Kristina and then call Danielle AN HOUR after leaving the show?! And THEN, Dean and D. Lo had a relationship after paradise.

DEANNNNNNNN. Sweet, stupid, Dean. What have you done?

The poor man-child admits his “indecisiveness” carried over after the season, but let’s put it this way: His chances with Kristina are long gone. (Next: A proposal)

In other news, Harrison thinks THAT is the “most uncomfortable hot seat I’ve ever seen,” which means he’s apparently forgotten half of his career (including Nick Viall’s “make love with me” comment). Quick! Someone make sure Harrison’s feeling okay!

Next up, Amanda comes out to talk about how Robby won her over. (It’s all about avocado toast, apparently.) She reveals that they tried dating after paradise, but after she gave him 20 chances, she was done.

Robby arrives on stage just in time to deny the cheating rumors the twins are throwing his way. Needless to say, he and Amanda are through. But hey, at least Amanda can eat pizza again thanks to this experience! (Yeah right, like she ever ate carbs.)

From one breakup to another, Lacey comes out to reveal that her fantasy suite was a nightmare. As soon as the cameras stopped rolling, Daniel admitted that his feelings were a lie. And just to prove it, he comes out and lies some more!

After Daniel tries to pretend nothing bad happened, Harrison plays some audio from the morning after their fantasy suite, during which Daniel tells a producer, “Lacey might like me a little bit more than I like her,” and, “I could never change my Facebook status to ‘in a relationship with Lacey.'” There’s also some story about how Daniel came to New York and only saw Lacey for one hour because he loves Vinny more than her, but nobody cares at this point. Let’s get to the success stories.

First, Raven and Adam are still together! They’ve spent their time post-paradise traveling, and Raven is getting ready to meet his family. As for Raven’s family, well, they’re here, and no one is more excited than Jasmine! Except we don’t actually get to see any of it because commercials are important.

Last but not least, Taylor and Derek are very happy — so happy, in fact, that Derek gets down on one knee and asks his “equal,” the woman who “lit a fire in my heart” to marry him. In return, she sobs, but she does manage to nod her head “yes.”

It just goes to show you that even in the most boring of times, Paradise is still somehow “successful.”

Thank you all for going on this truly exhausting journey with me. I will see you back here for Arie’s season of The Bachelor, but if you need me before then, I’ll be participating in a number of very sketchy medical trials to see if I can get this season of Paradise erased from my memory. Maybe I’ll call up Harrison’s guy, because clearly he’s forgotten some things.

Chris Harrison goes international with a cast of former bachelors and bachelorettes looking for love… and a chance to extend their reality fame.
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