The twins show up in paradise just in time for Dean to make another big decision

By Samantha Highfill
September 05, 2017 at 10:04 PM EDT
Paul Hebert/ABC
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Let’s face it: Twins make everything better. Without twins, The Shining would’ve been a lot less scary. Without twins, every Mary-Kate and Ashley movie would’ve consisted of either the tomboy OR the girly girl. And without twins, Paradise would’ve delivered another boring episode. But thankfully, Emily and Haley kept that from happening.

Before we get to their big entrance, we start the hour with yet another love triangle that we don’t really care about. Just as Dom talks about how “all the couples here have been through so much” — you know, in the few days they’ve been a couple — Jaimi decides to join the fun. Jaimi says she’s best known for being open about her bisexuality on her season, but I’d argue she’s best known for spelling her name “Jaimi.”

However, after this episode, she’ll certainly be known for being bisexual, because the show milks that fact for ALL it’s worth, even to the point of it being offensive! Fun, right?!

While the episode plays up the whole “which direction will Jaimi swing?” idea, she tries to figure out why no one has snatched up Tickle Monster, the divorcee whose name is Tickle Monster. And just like that, that mystery is solved! She then pulls Christen aside and everyone’s all, “Gasp! The bisexual and the virgin! CAN YOU IMAGINE?!”

Actually yes, because they’re friends, and their sexual history does not define them. At the end of it all, Jaimi takes Diggy on her date, but I hope you didn’t think we were done with her sexuality yet! Once we get past the topic of her nationality — totally normal first-date conversation — Diggy wants to hear all about Jaimi’s life. I mean, it MUST be interesting. She’s BISEXUAL. Talk about some good stories!!!

Just kidding. After all that, Jaimi says she doesn’t even consider herself bisexual; she prefers “fluid.” But either way, Diggy’s never met anybody like her, which she takes as the world’s greatest compliment and not him once again talking about her sexuality.

Meanwhile, Dom is all, “Jaimi’s very different than me.” OH MY GOD WE GET IT.

Before I lose my mind, let’s get to the twins’ portion of the show. Haley and Emily are here, they don’t care what anyone thinks, and they have their sights set on Derek and Dean. After Chris Harrison greets them multiple times just to prove he can tell them apart, he hands them a double-date card and sends them in so they can show us what they mean when they say they’re “The Mr. Steal-Your-Man Women.” (Hint: It means they won’t steal anyone’s men. Also, it means they’re men?)

First up, Amanda pulls her besties aside to update them on the situation. Turns out, that special edition Deanie Baby that Emily wants? He’s taken. And so is Derek (who has no fun nickname because his personality is so painfully bland). Amanda tries to convince them that Jack Stone is “actually fun” and not at all creepy, and that Tickle Monster would be a good option. She also let’s them in on the whole Christen scallops thing, but the twins are more amazed that scallops are not a vegetable.

To sum up this season on Paradise, Amanda says: “Scallops has been with Penguin Matt, Serial Killer Jack, and Tickle Monster.” Next up, Scallops is taking over Gotham City! (Next: The twins lose their minds)

While Amanda talks to the twins, everyone else works on how to tell them apart. Wells claims it’s all in the earrings, but Haley and Emily give us a number of ways: They have different noses, different eyes, and the easiest one: “Our vaginas our different.” Whose is better, you ask? Haley, they answer in unison, before Haley clarifies, “Hers is still wonderful.” This all begs the question: What do they think makes a good vagina? You know what? Nope, let’s not.

Giving in, Haley asks out Jack — mostly because Derek is currently nestled in Taylor’s bosom. But Emily’s not giving up so easily. She pulls Dean aside to ask how he’d feel about going on a date, you know, IF she asked him. His response? “What does the card say?” So what, he’d go on a date if it was skydiving but not if it was dancing?!

Emily knows Dean has a thing with D. Lo and that Kristina just left, but she says she won’t take no for an answer (an answer to the question she never actually asked). Leaving him no choice…Dean still says no. But Emily knows what she wants. So, she pulls D. Lo aside and gets her to say “it’s his decision” about the adult man they both like. And despite the fact that Dean already made his decision, Emily asks him out once more, but again, she comes up short.

So, Emily asks Tickle Monster and then threatens to drop him if he touches her, a line that gives Haley what appears to be a small stroke. As for D. Lo, Haley says she’s hot “if you enjoy talking to a wall.” Oh SNAP.

Elsewhere, Jasmine is enjoying her Starbucks drink while Taylor and Derek sit around and talk about how he’s falling in love with her and she’s so happy and blah blah.

Okay, back to the twins. After they get ready, Jack decides he’d rather spend more time with Christen than be somebody’s fourth choice. So, while Tickle asks, “Which one of you is mine?” — who says chivalry is dead?? — Jack backs out. And the twins are angry. No, they’re livid! No, they’re…out of synonyms for angry.

“F— everybody here,” they yell as they storm out of paradise. Their final action? Throwing some perfectly good scallops on the ground.

But Jack’s not too worried. He claims they can head home, watch Frozen, and play with their fidget spinners. Wait, did Jack just insult somebody? Was that a hint of personality I just saw?! There might be hope for him after all.

As for the happy couples of paradise, time is coming to a close, and it appears Raven and Adam haven’t left that one hanging chair in 48 hours. But they have to get up when Harrison shows up and drops a bomb: Today is their last day in paradise. Also, the twins just wasted the last of the scallops. What’s the bigger loss? I’ll let you decide.

I will see you all next week for the finale. If you need me before then, I’ll be writing BachelorGotham crossover fanfic. Turns out, Jim Gordon is a big fan of twins.

Episode Recaps

Chris Harrison goes international with a cast of former bachelors and bachelorettes looking for love… and a chance to extend their reality fame.
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  • 08/04/14
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